Just laugh 😂

Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong? Those are the days I laugh the hardest. I laugh at how I thought it couldn’t get any worse and then it does. Perhaps I laugh to keep from crying. Needless to say the last couple of days have been tough. Work sucks…a lot. I thought it would be better by now but it’s gotten worse. I’ve decided that I will not work more than 70 hours a week. It’s still a lot but it’s a step in the right direction. Honestly after the last couple of days I will probably shorten it even more. We have experienced some turnover and unfortunately more pressure is being applied to me. With me trying to work less now, I can’t cover everything. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t be able to cover everything if I worked more. It’s just not humanly possible for one person to cover that many jobs. At this point I’m extremely frustrated with my boss, his boss and HR because no one seems to hear me when I say this is too much. I’m seriously about to snap. I curse people out on a daily basis. I look like shit. I feel like shit and it’s just getting worse. Apparently there will be changes to our insurance cost in 2018. My job required the employees to have a medical screening in order to receive savings on our insurance next year. This lovely screening occurred yesterday. They checked weight, height, blood sugar, cholesterol, BMI and blood pressure. I tried to tell the guy my arms were large and he needed a bigger blood pressure cuff but of course he didn’t listen. I busted out of that thing like the Incredible Hulk. He got a larger one and then checked my blood pressure. He asked me what it normally was and I told him normal because I take medication. Apparently it wasn’t normal at that moment. I was 144/101. I said of course because I have a stressful as job and you just tried to amputate my arm. My height…yeah I’m shrinking or I seriously need to start working on my posture. Weight…big girl has hit a new high at 314 lbs. No wonder I breathe heavy getting dressed. He almost whispered that I was obese like it was some secret. I was like dude…do you see me? That shit is no secret. Blood sugar and cholesterol was great. So here is the conclusion I came to…my job is literally killing me. I’m stressed the fuck out which is causing my blood pressure issues. I’m fat as hell because I can’t do anything but work. After this realization I share it with my boss’s boss. I actually thought we were friends on some level until this clown tells me that my workload is normal for this industry. I said no the hell it isn’t. He basically gave the HR appropriate answer like I was going to sue or something. Why couldn’t he man up and say I understand and we are trying to fix it? Thank you for all that you do. Maybe you need to take some time off. He could have said a million things that would have made me feel better but instead he said the one thing that told me he didn’t care about me. Thanks…glad I know where we stand now. I was a little bummed after that last night. Not only did I hit a new weight high but people that I thought cared about me personally really do not. Fast forward to today. For some unknown damn reason I signed up for a boot camp a couple of weeks ago. Today was the meeting and day to get measurements. Awesome…I get to find out how fat I am again. Two days in a row just makes me so happy. Anyway…I had to leave work earlier than I normally would to make it to the gym for the meeting. Don’t you worry…I still worked close to 11 hours. 😉 I’m walking out to my car with another girl from work. I get into my car to leave and realize I split my pants. I hop out to try and catch my friend but she didn’t see me waving at her. At this point I’m pretty sure my ass is exposed but I’m not 100% sure. There is no time for me to go home and change because of course I left work later than I should. I pull my shirt down and carry on. Okay I’m fat so pulling my shirt down only last for so long. The damn thing is going to roll back up. I get to the place and go straight to the restroom. Yes ladies and gentlemen we have a confirmed tear. Damn the luck. I laughed so freakin hard. Like you can’t make that up. Who splits their freakin pants right before getting measured for boot camp? Definitely one of those “here’s your sign” situations. I’m not sure who saw my ass but I’m sure if we are in boot camp together they will witness more horrifying things than that. Shit gets real beginning Monday. Let’s hope I don’t die. 🙏🏻

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Baby steps

I’ve tried and failed a million times. Losing weight can be challenging. My biggest obstacle is me. I seem to lack discipline and of course the mental side of things is not easy. This time around I thought I would try to deal with my crazy. If I could strip away the work excuses and stress and focus on being positive then perhaps I would start to see changes. It’s difficult to make changes if you are constantly beating yourself up or not putting yourself first. I’m trying to ease into it. Monday I started tracking my calories and started taking walks again. The doctor would love for me to eat 1200 calories but I think I should take baby steps. Going from eating God only knows how many calories to eating just 1200 is too extreme. I’m pretty sure I would convince myself I was dying and/or starving to death. Extreme changes do not work for me. I get frustrated and quit. I’m hoping tracking the calories will make me more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I may not eat a lot of food but the foods that I was choosing were high in calories. On Sunday we had our last “free meal”. I was shocked when I added up the calories. Just lunch was 2600 calories. Complete insanity. This is a meal that I’ve ordered several times before and did not even realize exactly what I was doing. I think being more aware and learning what the different calorie counts are for the foods that I eat will help me come up with a better plan. The walking is difficult to say the least. I’m glad I’m getting back to it but I’m super slow. I can feel the additional weight that I’ve added to my body. I keep telling myself that it will all improve soon enough. So…I’m listening to positive messages, tracking my calories and easing back into walking again. One message, step and calorie at a time. 

Complete Fail

Plan K was successful on Monday. Well at least for the workout side of things. Unfortunately Tuesday and Wednesday was a complete fail. Thursday isn’t looking too positive either. The short version is my sons car started to overheat about an hour before I was suppose to meet my friend at the gym. I had to follow him to a car place and leave his car there so that they could work on it the next morning. Since I now have the only car I got to play chauffeur. After talking to some people we decided to pick his car up Wednesday morning and take it to a dealership. It’s too new to be overheating. Surely it is covered by warranty. My luck it will be that one thing that isn’t. Anyway….we didn’t make it to the dealership because his boss called him into work. That’s right…I’m still the lucky chauffeur and no gym time is happening. We will try again tomorrow. Chances are I will have to drop the car off and I will continue to be the driver. Work is chaotic and so is life right now. Hopefully next week will be my week. 

Tried and failed

Today is my 40th birthday and also my weigh-in day for my DietBet. My goal was to leave behind the 300 pound club by today. Unfortunately I did not reach that goal. It sucks. It sucks a lot actually. I’ve already worked my way through the whole emotional cycle. Yes it is that quick for me. Well if you ask my sister she thinks I’m emotionless or emotionally dead. Someone else told me that I bottle emotions up and stuff them down deep. They are convinced everything will come rushing back one day I will explode. Of course I disagree with all of it. I just have what I call flash emotions. I feel the different emotions…I just go thru them quickly. I choose not to dwell on the negative ones for very long. I was disappointment that I didn’t reach my goal. I had the slight pity party where I convince myself that I’ve done all of these things and I should be losing weight. Why even try? What’s the point? I should just give up. Blah blah blah. Then I go to the angry let me set this place on fire emotion because damn it I should be losing. And finally I get to the okay…it didn’t work out how I would like so what did I do or not do and how can I change this? After trying and failing to lose weight so many times I think I’m starting to finally learn a little more about it. I’m beginning to believe there are three things that you need to focus on to be successful. Yes this is coming from someone that has failed but it’s probably because I’ve missed one of the three things. 

  1. Deal with and defeat the mental monster that will constantly try to sabotage you and tell you what you can and cannot do
  2. Eat the right food and the right amount (yes this is where I’m failing)
  3. Exercise. Get your workout on! 

I’ve been great at fighting my mental demons and exercising. The food part is where I always fall short. Beginning tomorrow…yes tomorrow. It’s my birthday remember?!? 😊 I will attempt to fight that beast tomorrow. I think that will be the key to me finally dropping some weight. Wish me luck! As you can see me and my emotional rollercoaster will need it. 

Attack of the treadmill

Do you think treadmill makers take fat, clumsy people into account when they make the treadmills? My guess is no because the treadmill hates me. I’m pretty sure I hate it too. Once upon a time I fell on a treadmill. What can I say? I’m not the most graceful person. I fall down all of the time. It’s awesome. There is nothing like a giant person falling down for no apparent reason. All of this meat and potatoes moving around cannot be a pleasant sight. Anyway…since that one time years ago that I fell on the treadmill I now hold on with both hands. Well up until recently I held on with two hands. You see I decided I was venturing out. I’m working out in a gym. I can do this. I can totally walk on the treadmill swinging both arms like a normal person. I decide I’m going to ease into it since I’m a giant punk. One arm free at a time. After all I need to swing at least one arm to get my Fitbit steps. I had a death grip on the treadmill with one hand and started to swing the other arm. There are cameras at the gym so I may show up on America’s funniest videos. The treadmill is not wide enough for my big ass. If I don’t position myself just right on the treadmill then I beat up my swinging arm on the side of the treadmill. There is no way in hell im swinging both arms. I will definitely face plant once both arms hit the side of the machine. So…excuse my one bruised arm and crazy video. I need my Fitbit steps damn it. Eventually I will defeat the treadmill monster. 😊 

How bad do you want it? 

As I lay in my bed on a rainy Sunday that is the question I kept asking myself. My workout partner was sick yesterday so she ended up cancelling at the last minute. I was already awake and it felt great outside so I decided to go for a walk. As I was walking I decided I would try to get 10K steps before making it back home. I did it but it felt like it took forever. I hit 10K before 8am and then only got 4K steps for the rest of the day. That’s pretty sad especially when you consider how horrible my eating was also. My friend let me know last night that she wouldn’t make it to workout today. I woke up and checked the weather to see when the rain would stop so I could go walking again. Of course it is supposed to rain all morning. So…do I stay in my comfy bed or lay on the couch and binge watch some show? That’s what I wanted to do if I’m being honest. It’s so easy to be lazy. I could come up with a thousand reasons to stay home and really only one pesky reason to get up. I want to be out of the 300 pound club before 40. My eating has not been the greatest but I’ve attempted to exercise each day. I’m worried it is not enough though. I haven’t weighed myself since last Wednesday and don’t intend to until this coming Wednesday. I don’t want to know if I’m falling short to the goal because then I think I would really become more lazy. I wouldn’t necessarily give up on losing weight but I would not work as hard to do it. I know that sounds crazy but that’s just how my mind works. So…how bad do I want it? I got my big ass out of bed and went to the gym. I want to lose weight but I know I’m not doing all that I can to do it. Somehow I need to combine wanting it with discipline to eat right and workout twice a day. Baby steps. First you have to get up! 

But did you die?

All I could think about on the way to the gym was this meme. It hasn’t been a week of working out yet but my body was sore. I told the trainer this morning that parts of my body that I never thought could hurt were hurting. She was smiling at me as I tried to point at different parts of my body asking what was there. I’m not sure why I was asking. It’s not like I have some mysterious muscle that no one else on the planet has. I don’t even remember what she said it was. I was too busy focusing on the soreness. She of course then introduced me to the rolling stick. This little magical thing was a slice of heaven. Apparently it helps with cellulite too so it’s good to do it even when you are not sore. Who knew? That thing should be my bff. I need to roll everyday all day. They see me rollin. Sorry I couldn’t resist. 😂 Anyway….I continue to learn so much from the training. I’m so glad I did it. I would have never had the confidence to do some of these things on my own. The gym was just a scary place before where I would get on the treadmill and then leave. There are so many other things to do that I know will help me in my weighloss journey. I actually punched a bag today. Never in a million years did I see myself doing that and I especially didn’t think I would like it. It was totally fun! I’m convinced the kettle bells are the devil though. Oh and they may be buried deep but I have abs. They were screaming today. I could go on and on but the short version is I’m so happy that I overcame my fear and signed up for the gym. Now if I can just overcome the mirror fear then my gym life will be awesome. Baby steps…I’m still alive to figure it out. 😊