I’m in control

It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me. 

  • You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself 
  • When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
  • Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
  • If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public 
  • It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself 
  • These things that you believe become your vision statement
  • Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage 
  • You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it. 
  • Everything is a choice
  • You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful 
  • Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
  • You choose

What is normal? 

Who determines what normal is when it comes to emotions? I tend to process things pretty quickly but here lately I’ve been in a funk. Depression scares me. It’s like a dark hole that can trap you before you realize it. You just fall deeper and deeper with each day. I try to work thru emotions quickly so I’m not hanging on to negative feelings. By quickly I’m not saying five minutes but I try not to waste days on something I can’t do anything about. Unfortunately for longer than I care to admit I’ve been having some challenges. I work way too much. I know that. I’ve worked at the same place almost 20 years so It’s just part of me. I ask myself often who am I? What do I like? I think those things were lost at a young age. I became a mother and wife at 17. By the time I was 19 I was a single mother of two. That became my identity. I started working at this place when I was 21. As kids aged and no longer needed me, my job became my identity. If I had a day off I would stay on the couch. Why get up if I wasn’t going to work? What else is there to do? It sounds a little crazy to be lost at my age but I am. My work life is not okay right now. Simply put…I’m not happy. In fact I’m convinced I will die at my desk if I don’t change something. Yes that’s a bit dramatic but probably accurate. I have high blood pressure and I’m fat as hell in a stressful job. I need to change something. Part of me just wants to run away. Then my logical self says that’s not fun. I’m fat…being hungry doesn’t sound like a good time. Where the hell would I run to? Who is going to pay for my car? Yeah…I don’t think running away is the answer. It makes more sense to establish some boundaries at work. Work less and figure out what I want to do in the future. Life should be about love and laughter. It shouldn’t be filled with depression, self hate and constant work. There has to be a way out of this hole. I can’t stand the darkness anymore. I’m done with depression, moved on to anger and now see the light coming thru. Who needs normal? It sounds a little boring. I want to live an extraordinary life. 😊

A new plan

I’ve worked way too many hours for as long as I can remember. Yes…I am a workaholic. For years I did it to support my kids. It became my identity. At this stage in my life it is the only thing getting me out of bed or off the couch. I can’t remember the last time I went walking. Thank you Timehop for reminding me that three years ago I saw the sunrise and sunset often. If I’m being honest a big reason for it was because I led a walking group for my job. Either way I was active and enjoying my time taking pictures. I wasn’t rushing to work before sunrise to get a jump on the day. Work hasn’t been fun in a long time. I’ve got way too much on my plate and instead of being the loving, caring person that I am, everyone believes I’m a giant asshole. I’ve neglected myself and became a miserable person. I don’t like me at all. So my new plan is to try to take care of myself mentally. I need to discover what makes me happy and not pour so much of myself into my job. It’s literally sucking the life out me. I spent the last two days on the couch binge watching Netflix and eating…a lot. Tomorrow is my new beginning. I made a list of 10 things I want to accomplish before January 1st. A couple of the items may be a little silly but it’s things I’ve said I wanted to do but just keep putting off. Don’t worry…one of the items on the list is to blog at least once a week. If I’m doing other things on the list it will be more than that. I actually enjoy blogging quite a bit. Call me crazy but it’s therapeutic. 😊 Wish me luck…I think we both know I will need it. 

The end is near

Or at least I hope so! What a freakin shit day yesterday was. As we dropped my sons car off to be repaired I gave the man at the counter the “you better not screw me over” look. It included the two fingers pointing at my eyes and then at his. I see you guy. We both know this is covered under warranty and my week has been shit so don’t mess with me. That went over real well. We were there when the place opened and of course he calls right before closing to let me know the car would not be ready until Friday afternoon. Thanks guy. You = awesome. Another day I get to drive the fam around. Woohoo! That means I get to stay at work super late to try and make up for the time away. Work sucked big, sweaty, lint covered balls yesterday. When I finally made it to work the chaos started. Two out sick and one with tooth drama. We had three interviews scheduled and only one showed. Oh and my old landlord called to let me know I wasn’t getting a single penny of my deposit back. I’m pretty sure I would have gone completely insane if I wasn’t at work. How does that happen? Why does that happen? They are putting the place up for sale so new appliances need to be purchased and carpet replaced. So what if I lived there 7 years and it was normal wear and tear. If they were renting it they wouldn’t have to replace those items. So a big solid middle finger to that whole thing. I leave work to pick my son up from work. Drop him off and back to work I go. I thought it would be in my best interest to stop for food on the way back so that I can enjoy a lovely dinner at my desk. So what if the skies have opened up and I can barely see out the window. I drive thru the lovely Chick fil a. Since it’s been a shit day I decide I need a shake in my life. I mean why not? My Dietbet already sucks ass so why not add on a few more pounds? A co-worker asked me to grab her a sandwich as well. Just the sandwich…why not a meal? So now I get to look like the fat ass that orders a meal and an extra sandwich. Thanks for that. No I’m not consuming all of this food. I’m sure that’s what the people at the window are thinking. Oh well…I drive back to work. Once there I swear God was dumping buckets on my car. Now I have to figure out how to hold the bag of food, my shake, an umbrella, keys and my phone. In case you are wondering it didn’t work out. Rain is coming in 20 different directions and I’m not sure why the hell I’m even trying to use an umbrella. Paper bags of food and rain don’t mix well. The bag got wet and the food was dropped. Now I’m the fat ass in the parking lot picking food up off the ground. To top it all off my boob is dipped in my shake while trying to do everything. So…I finally make it in the building with wet food, soaking wet clothes, wet shoes and cookies and cream shake on my boob. Yes…everything is awesome. I worked in the wetness until my daughter in-law got off work a few hours later. I pick her up and go home. After a few hours of sleep Friday is here and the day has started. For the love of God and all that is holy please let today be better than yesterday. 

So what had happen was…

Plan K was not a complete success. I had planned to go shopping yesterday after work but of course I worked too long. By the time we finished with dinner it was close to 9pm. Needless to say my eating was crap today but I did manage to leave work at 5pm to go to the gym. Of course I went back to work nice and ripe after the gym. I’m sure I was loved by many. I think my nastiness will help me leave at a decent time. 😊 Tonight I decided it was better to go to the store before dinner or else I may not go. I didn’t get everything I need but at least I have a few healthy snacks. My friend and I have decided to order meals from this clean eating place. We are going to try and eat them for lunch during the week. Unfortunately that won’t start until maybe next week. Until then I will try to punt my way thru this week. Eating healthy is probably my biggest hurdle. If I can conquer that beast then maybe I will finally see a difference in my weight loss journey. Fingers and toes crossed that I will work this out. I may have a thousand plans and be on an emotional roller coaster but at least I’m not giving up. 😁

Plan K

I’ve made so many plans to become healthier and work less but nothing has worked out yet. If it did work out, I didn’t stick with it. It’s super hard to win when you are fighting against your own stubborn self. So…I’ve come up with a new plan. Work sucks right now and that isn’t going to change anytime soon. I’m going to have to work a lot of hours but perhaps I can take better control of my day. I’m still going to get to work early in hopes that I will be able to leave before dark. Breakfast will be oatmeal or a shake at my desk. I will try to meal prep today so that I can bring a healthy lunch to eat at my desk. I will leave at 5pm to go to the gym. After the gym I will return to work and have a shake for dinner. So basically I’m leaving work before dark but coming back. 😊 It may not be the healthiest plan but it has to be healthier than what I’m doing now. Tomorrow the fun begins. Wish me luck! 

Just breathing

I’ve been working a lot and things seem to keep getting worse. This week I tried to limit myself to 12 hours a day. I failed. I didn’t make it to the gym any day, I ate every meal at my desk and I may snap if one more person tells me how tired I look. I’m taking one day off a week and on that day I just want to breathe. I don’t want to see anyone, talk or do anything. It sounds depressing but it’s the only escape I have from the rest of the chaos. I’m so tired. I feel like each day is a fight and I’m just trying to survive. This can’t be how I’m supposed to live for the next five months. Let’s not even talk about my health. I’ve avoided the scale but I have to weigh in soon for my Dietbet. I already know it’s not going to be pretty. You can’t eat fast food, not go to the gym and expect to lose weight. So…what do I do? I finally went to the gym today and I started to swell up. I’m not talking a little bit of swelling either. My hands looked like the Nutty Professor. Who does that? Of course the fat girl would be allergic to the gym. It makes total sense. I’m supposed to meet my friend again tomorrow so we shall see what happens.