Another beginning…

Wow….so much has happened or not happened since the last time I blogged. I’m not even sure where to begin. As crazy as it may sound, I believe that things happen for a reason. There could be simple things like reading a book that you had for years but maybe you needed the message now. Maybe it is sitting by a complete stranger on a plane and you needing to hear their story. Life has a funny way of showing you things as long as you are open to seeing them. I just want to say I get it…I need to make changes. I’m currently at the highest weight I have ever been in my life. I used to think 300 lbs was the highest I would go. God knows I swore to myself a million times that I was going to change. I know all of the right words to say but it’s the action part that I would get hung up on. The last time I went to the doctor I weighed 326 lbs and even though I’m on blood pressure medicine, my blood pressure was still high. I talked to the doctor about my knees and the swelling that I was experiencing. I guess bootcamp was a little too much for this big body. I hate to admit defeat but it was too difficult. My doctor told me that I should have never done it. The jumping, burpees and craziness is too much for me right now. She told me she wanted to me to get an X-ray on one of my knees and to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day. She changed my blood pressure medicine to include a water pill to help with the swelling. I’m almost 100% sure that my job is playing into my blood pressure issues. For years I have worked way more than I should and have neglected myself. Sometimes it takes tragic situations for you to wake up and realize that life is too short. Over the course of the last couple weeks my eyes and ears have been wide open. I’ve attended work conferences but personally needed the message from the speakers. I was surrounded by some amazing people on the flights and heard their stories. A friend was rushed to the hospital which shook me to my core. You start to question yourself and how you are living your life. Will anyone at my job miss me if I die tomorrow? Am I living an infinite or finite life? Do I put myself and my family first? Am I living my best life? I could go on and on with the million questions that I asked myself. At the end of the day I want to be a better person that has a positive impact on those around me. I want to be healthy and happy. So…tomorrow is a new beginning. I can’t change all of the poor decisions that got me to this point but I can try to make better decisions going forward. No more excuses!

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Just laugh 😂

Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong? Those are the days I laugh the hardest. I laugh at how I thought it couldn’t get any worse and then it does. Perhaps I laugh to keep from crying. Needless to say the last couple of days have been tough. Work sucks…a lot. I thought it would be better by now but it’s gotten worse. I’ve decided that I will not work more than 70 hours a week. It’s still a lot but it’s a step in the right direction. Honestly after the last couple of days I will probably shorten it even more. We have experienced some turnover and unfortunately more pressure is being applied to me. With me trying to work less now, I can’t cover everything. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t be able to cover everything if I worked more. It’s just not humanly possible for one person to cover that many jobs. At this point I’m extremely frustrated with my boss, his boss and HR because no one seems to hear me when I say this is too much. I’m seriously about to snap. I curse people out on a daily basis. I look like shit. I feel like shit and it’s just getting worse. Apparently there will be changes to our insurance cost in 2018. My job required the employees to have a medical screening in order to receive savings on our insurance next year. This lovely screening occurred yesterday. They checked weight, height, blood sugar, cholesterol, BMI and blood pressure. I tried to tell the guy my arms were large and he needed a bigger blood pressure cuff but of course he didn’t listen. I busted out of that thing like the Incredible Hulk. He got a larger one and then checked my blood pressure. He asked me what it normally was and I told him normal because I take medication. Apparently it wasn’t normal at that moment. I was 144/101. I said of course because I have a stressful as job and you just tried to amputate my arm. My height…yeah I’m shrinking or I seriously need to start working on my posture. Weight…big girl has hit a new high at 314 lbs. No wonder I breathe heavy getting dressed. He almost whispered that I was obese like it was some secret. I was like dude…do you see me? That shit is no secret. Blood sugar and cholesterol was great. So here is the conclusion I came to…my job is literally killing me. I’m stressed the fuck out which is causing my blood pressure issues. I’m fat as hell because I can’t do anything but work. After this realization I share it with my boss’s boss. I actually thought we were friends on some level until this clown tells me that my workload is normal for this industry. I said no the hell it isn’t. He basically gave the HR appropriate answer like I was going to sue or something. Why couldn’t he man up and say I understand and we are trying to fix it? Thank you for all that you do. Maybe you need to take some time off. He could have said a million things that would have made me feel better but instead he said the one thing that told me he didn’t care about me. Thanks…glad I know where we stand now. I was a little bummed after that last night. Not only did I hit a new weight high but people that I thought cared about me personally really do not. Fast forward to today. For some unknown damn reason I signed up for a boot camp a couple of weeks ago. Today was the meeting and day to get measurements. Awesome…I get to find out how fat I am again. Two days in a row just makes me so happy. Anyway…I had to leave work earlier than I normally would to make it to the gym for the meeting. Don’t you worry…I still worked close to 11 hours. 😉 I’m walking out to my car with another girl from work. I get into my car to leave and realize I split my pants. I hop out to try and catch my friend but she didn’t see me waving at her. At this point I’m pretty sure my ass is exposed but I’m not 100% sure. There is no time for me to go home and change because of course I left work later than I should. I pull my shirt down and carry on. Okay I’m fat so pulling my shirt down only last for so long. The damn thing is going to roll back up. I get to the place and go straight to the restroom. Yes ladies and gentlemen we have a confirmed tear. Damn the luck. I laughed so freakin hard. Like you can’t make that up. Who splits their freakin pants right before getting measured for boot camp? Definitely one of those “here’s your sign” situations. I’m not sure who saw my ass but I’m sure if we are in boot camp together they will witness more horrifying things than that. Shit gets real beginning Monday. Let’s hope I don’t die. 🙏🏻

I’m in control

It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me. 

  • You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself 
  • When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
  • Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
  • If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public 
  • It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself 
  • These things that you believe become your vision statement
  • Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage 
  • You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it. 
  • Everything is a choice
  • You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful 
  • Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
  • You choose

What is normal? 

Who determines what normal is when it comes to emotions? I tend to process things pretty quickly but here lately I’ve been in a funk. Depression scares me. It’s like a dark hole that can trap you before you realize it. You just fall deeper and deeper with each day. I try to work thru emotions quickly so I’m not hanging on to negative feelings. By quickly I’m not saying five minutes but I try not to waste days on something I can’t do anything about. Unfortunately for longer than I care to admit I’ve been having some challenges. I work way too much. I know that. I’ve worked at the same place almost 20 years so It’s just part of me. I ask myself often who am I? What do I like? I think those things were lost at a young age. I became a mother and wife at 17. By the time I was 19 I was a single mother of two. That became my identity. I started working at this place when I was 21. As kids aged and no longer needed me, my job became my identity. If I had a day off I would stay on the couch. Why get up if I wasn’t going to work? What else is there to do? It sounds a little crazy to be lost at my age but I am. My work life is not okay right now. Simply put…I’m not happy. In fact I’m convinced I will die at my desk if I don’t change something. Yes that’s a bit dramatic but probably accurate. I have high blood pressure and I’m fat as hell in a stressful job. I need to change something. Part of me just wants to run away. Then my logical self says that’s not fun. I’m fat…being hungry doesn’t sound like a good time. Where the hell would I run to? Who is going to pay for my car? Yeah…I don’t think running away is the answer. It makes more sense to establish some boundaries at work. Work less and figure out what I want to do in the future. Life should be about love and laughter. It shouldn’t be filled with depression, self hate and constant work. There has to be a way out of this hole. I can’t stand the darkness anymore. I’m done with depression, moved on to anger and now see the light coming thru. Who needs normal? It sounds a little boring. I want to live an extraordinary life. 😊

A new plan

I’ve worked way too many hours for as long as I can remember. Yes…I am a workaholic. For years I did it to support my kids. It became my identity. At this stage in my life it is the only thing getting me out of bed or off the couch. I can’t remember the last time I went walking. Thank you Timehop for reminding me that three years ago I saw the sunrise and sunset often. If I’m being honest a big reason for it was because I led a walking group for my job. Either way I was active and enjoying my time taking pictures. I wasn’t rushing to work before sunrise to get a jump on the day. Work hasn’t been fun in a long time. I’ve got way too much on my plate and instead of being the loving, caring person that I am, everyone believes I’m a giant asshole. I’ve neglected myself and became a miserable person. I don’t like me at all. So my new plan is to try to take care of myself mentally. I need to discover what makes me happy and not pour so much of myself into my job. It’s literally sucking the life out me. I spent the last two days on the couch binge watching Netflix and eating…a lot. Tomorrow is my new beginning. I made a list of 10 things I want to accomplish before January 1st. A couple of the items may be a little silly but it’s things I’ve said I wanted to do but just keep putting off. Don’t worry…one of the items on the list is to blog at least once a week. If I’m doing other things on the list it will be more than that. I actually enjoy blogging quite a bit. Call me crazy but it’s therapeutic. 😊 Wish me luck…I think we both know I will need it. 

The end is near

Or at least I hope so! What a freakin shit day yesterday was. As we dropped my sons car off to be repaired I gave the man at the counter the “you better not screw me over” look. It included the two fingers pointing at my eyes and then at his. I see you guy. We both know this is covered under warranty and my week has been shit so don’t mess with me. That went over real well. We were there when the place opened and of course he calls right before closing to let me know the car would not be ready until Friday afternoon. Thanks guy. You = awesome. Another day I get to drive the fam around. Woohoo! That means I get to stay at work super late to try and make up for the time away. Work sucked big, sweaty, lint covered balls yesterday. When I finally made it to work the chaos started. Two out sick and one with tooth drama. We had three interviews scheduled and only one showed. Oh and my old landlord called to let me know I wasn’t getting a single penny of my deposit back. I’m pretty sure I would have gone completely insane if I wasn’t at work. How does that happen? Why does that happen? They are putting the place up for sale so new appliances need to be purchased and carpet replaced. So what if I lived there 7 years and it was normal wear and tear. If they were renting it they wouldn’t have to replace those items. So a big solid middle finger to that whole thing. I leave work to pick my son up from work. Drop him off and back to work I go. I thought it would be in my best interest to stop for food on the way back so that I can enjoy a lovely dinner at my desk. So what if the skies have opened up and I can barely see out the window. I drive thru the lovely Chick fil a. Since it’s been a shit day I decide I need a shake in my life. I mean why not? My Dietbet already sucks ass so why not add on a few more pounds? A co-worker asked me to grab her a sandwich as well. Just the sandwich…why not a meal? So now I get to look like the fat ass that orders a meal and an extra sandwich. Thanks for that. No I’m not consuming all of this food. I’m sure that’s what the people at the window are thinking. Oh well…I drive back to work. Once there I swear God was dumping buckets on my car. Now I have to figure out how to hold the bag of food, my shake, an umbrella, keys and my phone. In case you are wondering it didn’t work out. Rain is coming in 20 different directions and I’m not sure why the hell I’m even trying to use an umbrella. Paper bags of food and rain don’t mix well. The bag got wet and the food was dropped. Now I’m the fat ass in the parking lot picking food up off the ground. To top it all off my boob is dipped in my shake while trying to do everything. So…I finally make it in the building with wet food, soaking wet clothes, wet shoes and cookies and cream shake on my boob. Yes…everything is awesome. I worked in the wetness until my daughter in-law got off work a few hours later. I pick her up and go home. After a few hours of sleep Friday is here and the day has started. For the love of God and all that is holy please let today be better than yesterday. 

So what had happen was…

Plan K was not a complete success. I had planned to go shopping yesterday after work but of course I worked too long. By the time we finished with dinner it was close to 9pm. Needless to say my eating was crap today but I did manage to leave work at 5pm to go to the gym. Of course I went back to work nice and ripe after the gym. I’m sure I was loved by many. I think my nastiness will help me leave at a decent time. 😊 Tonight I decided it was better to go to the store before dinner or else I may not go. I didn’t get everything I need but at least I have a few healthy snacks. My friend and I have decided to order meals from this clean eating place. We are going to try and eat them for lunch during the week. Unfortunately that won’t start until maybe next week. Until then I will try to punt my way thru this week. Eating healthy is probably my biggest hurdle. If I can conquer that beast then maybe I will finally see a difference in my weight loss journey. Fingers and toes crossed that I will work this out. I may have a thousand plans and be on an emotional roller coaster but at least I’m not giving up. 😁