Perception versus reality

I was legit freaking out over the increase to a 4 minute run with the C210K app. It wasn’t super easy but I did the darn thing. Of course I looked ahead and the workout this morning increased to 5 minute runs. What? You gave me one day with 4 minutes and then increased me to 5?!?! I think I scared myself so much that I didn’t wake up early enough to go to the gym this morning. I never set an alarm because I don’t sleep if I do. I’m always freaking out about not hearing it so I don’t rest well. Yes I realize that might be a little crazy. Anyway…I didn’t make it to the gym this morning. I tried to tell myself I needed the extra sleep even though I know it was because I was being a little punk. I was determined to hit the gym after work to beat that 5 minute monster. I walk in and I’m surrounded by fit, skinny people. Holy ๐Ÿ’ฉthere is a lot of people at the gym at night. I’m giving them all the stink eye. I’m pretty sure they thought it was because I was hating on the fact that they all look amazing and I’m this fat chick. Nope…that wasn’t it at all. I’m actually okay with not being skinny. I just want to feel better and be healthier. I was giving them the stink eye because it was hot as hell in the gym. Which one of you assholes messed with the air conditioner? They are all young so they were getting the momma stare down. No one confessed their sins so I carried on to the dreaded treadmill. There are a couple of people running on the other treadmills and these guys lifting weights behind me. You can see your reflection everywhere so you know when someone is looking at you. Of course they are looking at the fat chick sweating her face off walking slow motion on the treadmill. I carry on because I’m telling myself I don’t care. They don’t know me and they can think what they want. At least I’m there and putting forth the effort. I finish the killer 5 minute runs and take my sweaty ass home. I make my way to the restroom and that is when I realize why they were staring at me. I don’t normally look in the mirror but sometimes I catch a glimpse. You can see thru my damn shirt!! The sweat just made it that much better. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ I’m thinking I need to go back and collect some cash from those people for the show I just put on. Damn the luck. I guess I need to slow down and look at myself more often. I shouldn’t assume things are one way when clearly it can be something totally different. ๐Ÿคช

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C210K – Week 3 ๐Ÿ˜ฉ

Da damn today was rough. Week 3 is complete and boy did it end with a kick in the ass. Okay so maybe I’m being slightly dramatic. They increased the run portion to 3 minutes. ๐Ÿ˜ณ Sure I know that is nothing for some people but for me…it was the longest 3 minutes of my life. Yeah that’s probably a lie too. I’ve given birth, I’ve waited for my son to get out of surgery and am guilty of staring at the clock at work. Three minutes was definitely longer in those situations. Plus if I’m being really honest…I’m not running no damn where. I’m walking at a speed of 3 on the treadmill and my run parts are at 3.5. That is probably slow motion to some people. My big ass is dripping with sweat and wondering when this will be easier. Baby steps…I know. Well and I didn’t die so there’s that. I can tell you that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow’s workout. They bump it up to 4 minutes of running. ๐Ÿ˜ฏ I should not have looked ahead. I know I’m making progress with the app but it doesn’t feel like anything is changing with my body. I still feel and probably weigh the same. ๐Ÿ˜” Maybe it will change soon but right now I feel like I’m just going thru the motions. I suppose that is better than doing nothing though. If nothing else…I will do it for the badges. Watch out for the rising star ๐Ÿ’ซ๐Ÿ˜‰

C210K – Week 2 โœ…

Holy hell! I just finished at the gym and wow. The amount of sweat dripping off my ass is ridiculous. ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธThis week didn’t go as I had planned. I’m not sure how I convinced myself that it would. I had hoped to cover two weeks of workouts in one week but I had a few challenges. One day all of the equipment at the gym wasn’t working. I’m guessing it was an electrical issue but who does that happen to? Then there was the bean delay. Yeah you don’t want those details. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ Oh and apparently I can’t count because I thought I could take a day off not realizing that had already happened on the equipment issue day. So…I’m hoping to complete week 3 on Sunday. As long as I go Friday-Sunday it can totally happen. The workouts are getting more interesting with longer “run” times. I like it though. I also like the fact that I’m the only person in the gym so if I happen to fall then it’s between the cameras and I. ๐Ÿ˜Š Here is the badge for this week. Clearly they know the athlete in me is buried deep right now. ๐Ÿ˜‚

Couch to maybe 10K

Last week I decided enough was enough (again) and I decided to do the couch to 10K (again). Yes I completed it the first time and injured my foot which led me down this rabbit hole of crazy. Anyway…I needed to do something and at least this will provide me with some sort of plan. I’m not going to run this time. It is walking and then walking faster in the parts where I’m supposed to run. I’m sticking with the treadmill. I don’t want to think about my foot while I’m walking and I’m hoping this will help it in some way. I don’t think it is possible to get to the 10K distance in the allotted time with my current walking speed. I’m totally fine with that. My goal really isn’t to make it to the 10K right now. My goal is to simply exercise on a consistent basis with this app helping me to push myself to walk faster then I normally would. Baby steps…that’s what I’m focusing on. I don’t want to get overwhelmed with the details. I believe everything will eventually come together and I will reach the 10K distance. I just may have to repeat the app a few times. ๐Ÿ˜Š My first week hasn’t been the greatest. It actually took me a week and a day to complete the first week of workouts. There are only 3 so that should tell you how pathetic it was. Too much work, bubble guts and tire drama were the excuses I used. It’s only 30 minutes three times a week right now so seriously…there really isn’t a good excuse. I just suck at focusing on me and taking care of myself. That has to change or I will just keep repeating the same things as you can clearly see in all of the blogs. At some point I have to slay the dragon. Let the games begin! After a pathetic week 1 I received the determination badge. Clearly I wasn’t determined but now I am. I’m going to attempt to double up and do two weeks of workouts in one week since it is only 3 days a week on the app. I’m not sure how that will work out but that’s the plan for now. Tomorrow will be day one of week 2. Wish me luck!

Day 3 & 4 ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

We are going to say that day 3 was a rest day since I worked too long and didn’t squeeze the walk in. Today is day 4 and I decided to go to the gym this morning. After work I have dinner plans so if I was going to get a walk in it had to be this morning. Let’s just say wow! I forgot how different walking on a treadmill is then walking outside. First let me say I was surprised I was less scared of falling on the treadmill than I am walking outside. Maybe it’s because I’m holding on for dear life. I’m not worried about falling so I’m not worried about how I’m walking on my foot. Since I’m not worried about my foot I’m not overcompensating or trying to correct something which leads to pain. I know it all sounds crazy. I appreciate my strolls outside. My mine is clear and I can pause and take pictures. It just feels good. In the gym you are moving at the same speed and there is no pause. I wasn’t wearing anything to measure the distance but I’m going to guess that what I walked in an hour yesterday only took me 40 minutes today. Insanity. I’m not sure what I’m going to do but part of me feels like I should build up my foot and confidence in my foot on the treadmill and then venture outside. I actually miss working out in the mornings too. I don’t know…we will see how it unfolds. What I do know is I can check another day of workout off the list. ๐Ÿ˜Š

Day 2 rollercoaster

How is it possible to feel so many different emotions within minutes? I realize that may sound a little crazy. When I started my walk I was proud that I was actually doing it. Another day without excuses. There was a sense of freedom too. I’m not currently wearing a Fitbit so I’m not tracking my steps and neither is anyone else that I’m connected to. I haven’t even weighed myself. Part of me didn’t want to get caught up in how many pounds I lost. I just want to feel better. Then fear starts to set in. I keep thinking about each step and whether or not I will fall down. I start to watch my feet as I walk. My previously injured foot started to hurt because I’m walking in an awkward way. I keep obsessing on which way my foot is rolling and if I’m messing my foot up. As I’m looking down I notice my large stomach. Disgust sinks in and then I start to beat myself up about the way I look. What am I doing? Is this walk really going to make a difference? The crazy just keeps going for almost the entire time. I then start thinking about the weather and how extremely hot it is outside. I’m determined to finish what I started. Then I breathe in a big sign of relief when I see my car. Yes! Celebration occurs because I’ve made it to the finish line. Does anyone else do this? It’s like a crazy rollercoaster that I can’t escape. Hopefully as I continue to walk I will start to feel better. I would assume if you feel better then you are more likely to have positive thoughts. ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

Day 1 again, again, again

Today is day 1 for the million time. I guess that’s what happens when you quit and have to start again. Life has not been fun. I’m currently working 4 jobs and being paid for 2. I’m not sure what the right words are to describe how I’ve been feeling. Suffocation. Anxiety attack. Your neck hurts from looking down all of the time because the man is oppressing you. It’s like 5000 bricks are being placed on your shoulders. They hurt and it’s heavy. Claustrophobic. There is no escape. Failure. There is no way to accomplish everything or even anything at this point. I’ve got over 200 emails in my inbox and deadlines that will never be met. I go to work knowing I will lose, failure will happen and I will let people down. Today though..today is day 1. Last week was processing week for my son at bootcamp. This week the fun really begins for him. He asked what we were going to change while he is away. After all he is going thru a pretty intense time right now. I said I was going to lose weight and save money. I’ve learned that I need to set simple, very short term goals for myself. I haven’t been walking or to the gym in a very long time. I just wanted to do one of those things today. I woke up late so I packed a bag to go walking after work. For a moment I attempted to make excuses. I have an impossible deadline that I know I’m not going to meet. I was like that’s right…I’m not going to meet it. It doesn’t matter if I work several more hours or quit now. I’m not going to meet the deadline. Go walking! That’s exactly what I did. I pray that I’m strong enough to do the same tomorrow.