Another beginning…

Wow….so much has happened or not happened since the last time I blogged. I’m not even sure where to begin. As crazy as it may sound, I believe that things happen for a reason. There could be simple things like reading a book that you had for years but maybe you needed the message now. Maybe it is sitting by a complete stranger on a plane and you needing to hear their story. Life has a funny way of showing you things as long as you are open to seeing them. I just want to say I get it…I need to make changes. I’m currently at the highest weight I have ever been in my life. I used to think 300 lbs was the highest I would go. God knows I swore to myself a million times that I was going to change. I know all of the right words to say but it’s the action part that I would get hung up on. The last time I went to the doctor I weighed 326 lbs and even though I’m on blood pressure medicine, my blood pressure was still high. I talked to the doctor about my knees and the swelling that I was experiencing. I guess bootcamp was a little too much for this big body. I hate to admit defeat but it was too difficult. My doctor told me that I should have never done it. The jumping, burpees and craziness is too much for me right now. She told me she wanted to me to get an X-ray on one of my knees and to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day. She changed my blood pressure medicine to include a water pill to help with the swelling. I’m almost 100% sure that my job is playing into my blood pressure issues. For years I have worked way more than I should and have neglected myself. Sometimes it takes tragic situations for you to wake up and realize that life is too short. Over the course of the last couple weeks my eyes and ears have been wide open. I’ve attended work conferences but personally needed the message from the speakers. I was surrounded by some amazing people on the flights and heard their stories. A friend was rushed to the hospital which shook me to my core. You start to question yourself and how you are living your life. Will anyone at my job miss me if I die tomorrow? Am I living an infinite or finite life? Do I put myself and my family first? Am I living my best life? I could go on and on with the million questions that I asked myself. At the end of the day I want to be a better person that has a positive impact on those around me. I want to be healthy and happy. So…tomorrow is a new beginning. I can’t change all of the poor decisions that got me to this point but I can try to make better decisions going forward. No more excuses!

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Just laugh 😂

Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong? Those are the days I laugh the hardest. I laugh at how I thought it couldn’t get any worse and then it does. Perhaps I laugh to keep from crying. Needless to say the last couple of days have been tough. Work sucks…a lot. I thought it would be better by now but it’s gotten worse. I’ve decided that I will not work more than 70 hours a week. It’s still a lot but it’s a step in the right direction. Honestly after the last couple of days I will probably shorten it even more. We have experienced some turnover and unfortunately more pressure is being applied to me. With me trying to work less now, I can’t cover everything. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t be able to cover everything if I worked more. It’s just not humanly possible for one person to cover that many jobs. At this point I’m extremely frustrated with my boss, his boss and HR because no one seems to hear me when I say this is too much. I’m seriously about to snap. I curse people out on a daily basis. I look like shit. I feel like shit and it’s just getting worse. Apparently there will be changes to our insurance cost in 2018. My job required the employees to have a medical screening in order to receive savings on our insurance next year. This lovely screening occurred yesterday. They checked weight, height, blood sugar, cholesterol, BMI and blood pressure. I tried to tell the guy my arms were large and he needed a bigger blood pressure cuff but of course he didn’t listen. I busted out of that thing like the Incredible Hulk. He got a larger one and then checked my blood pressure. He asked me what it normally was and I told him normal because I take medication. Apparently it wasn’t normal at that moment. I was 144/101. I said of course because I have a stressful as job and you just tried to amputate my arm. My height…yeah I’m shrinking or I seriously need to start working on my posture. Weight…big girl has hit a new high at 314 lbs. No wonder I breathe heavy getting dressed. He almost whispered that I was obese like it was some secret. I was like dude…do you see me? That shit is no secret. Blood sugar and cholesterol was great. So here is the conclusion I came to…my job is literally killing me. I’m stressed the fuck out which is causing my blood pressure issues. I’m fat as hell because I can’t do anything but work. After this realization I share it with my boss’s boss. I actually thought we were friends on some level until this clown tells me that my workload is normal for this industry. I said no the hell it isn’t. He basically gave the HR appropriate answer like I was going to sue or something. Why couldn’t he man up and say I understand and we are trying to fix it? Thank you for all that you do. Maybe you need to take some time off. He could have said a million things that would have made me feel better but instead he said the one thing that told me he didn’t care about me. Thanks…glad I know where we stand now. I was a little bummed after that last night. Not only did I hit a new weight high but people that I thought cared about me personally really do not. Fast forward to today. For some unknown damn reason I signed up for a boot camp a couple of weeks ago. Today was the meeting and day to get measurements. Awesome…I get to find out how fat I am again. Two days in a row just makes me so happy. Anyway…I had to leave work earlier than I normally would to make it to the gym for the meeting. Don’t you worry…I still worked close to 11 hours. 😉 I’m walking out to my car with another girl from work. I get into my car to leave and realize I split my pants. I hop out to try and catch my friend but she didn’t see me waving at her. At this point I’m pretty sure my ass is exposed but I’m not 100% sure. There is no time for me to go home and change because of course I left work later than I should. I pull my shirt down and carry on. Okay I’m fat so pulling my shirt down only last for so long. The damn thing is going to roll back up. I get to the place and go straight to the restroom. Yes ladies and gentlemen we have a confirmed tear. Damn the luck. I laughed so freakin hard. Like you can’t make that up. Who splits their freakin pants right before getting measured for boot camp? Definitely one of those “here’s your sign” situations. I’m not sure who saw my ass but I’m sure if we are in boot camp together they will witness more horrifying things than that. Shit gets real beginning Monday. Let’s hope I don’t die. 🙏🏻

Breaking point

It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now. 

Baby steps

I’ve tried and failed a million times. Losing weight can be challenging. My biggest obstacle is me. I seem to lack discipline and of course the mental side of things is not easy. This time around I thought I would try to deal with my crazy. If I could strip away the work excuses and stress and focus on being positive then perhaps I would start to see changes. It’s difficult to make changes if you are constantly beating yourself up or not putting yourself first. I’m trying to ease into it. Monday I started tracking my calories and started taking walks again. The doctor would love for me to eat 1200 calories but I think I should take baby steps. Going from eating God only knows how many calories to eating just 1200 is too extreme. I’m pretty sure I would convince myself I was dying and/or starving to death. Extreme changes do not work for me. I get frustrated and quit. I’m hoping tracking the calories will make me more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I may not eat a lot of food but the foods that I was choosing were high in calories. On Sunday we had our last “free meal”. I was shocked when I added up the calories. Just lunch was 2600 calories. Complete insanity. This is a meal that I’ve ordered several times before and did not even realize exactly what I was doing. I think being more aware and learning what the different calorie counts are for the foods that I eat will help me come up with a better plan. The walking is difficult to say the least. I’m glad I’m getting back to it but I’m super slow. I can feel the additional weight that I’ve added to my body. I keep telling myself that it will all improve soon enough. So…I’m listening to positive messages, tracking my calories and easing back into walking again. One message, step and calorie at a time. 

Fat girl feet

Last week I pushed pretty hard. I was determined to get at least 10k steps per day. I woke up each morning and went for a 2-3 mile walk. It rained one day so I waited and went that afternoon. I really tried to overcome my excuses and push through. Friday’s walk was a little challenging. I heard someone walking behind me. I could hear them catching up. For whatever crazy reason I was determined that they were not going to pass me. My feet were hurting but I kept going. They didn’t catch me. It may or may not be because they turned off the road. Minor details that are not important. It was a win for me damn it. Well maybe not so much a win. Both feet were hurting but the foot that I previously had in a boot was really hating me. I’m not sure if I injured it again or if I just pushed too hard. Either way I think I’m going to have to reevaluate this whole walking thing. If I hurt the foot and have to wear a boot then I will never get this weight off. My guess is my feet are hurting because they are under a whole lot of pressure. I mean jeez I’ve only added 175 pounds that shouldn’t be there. Once upon a time I had a pretty arch. That thing has caved under pressure and not I have flat feet. The doctor told me to wear inserts to prevent my arches from hurting. They help as long as I’m not walking a lot. Shoes do play a big role but here lately even that hasn’t mattered. My feet hurt as soon as I stand on them in the morning. It’s almost like they have to do a warmup to get ready for the day. It’s either that or I just get used to the pain. Either way it all sucks. So…my new approach will be to ride an exercise bike and do my 21 day fix videos. That modified girl kicked my ass before there is no reason why she won’t do it again. Wish me and my fat girl flat feet good luck. Twenty-four more days to get to the 15 pound weight loss goal. Anything is possible! 

Reboot

The long vacations and holidays are over so it is time to refocus and begin again. This time around I’m hoping that I will be stronger, dedicated and more focused. Somewhere along the way I’ve convinced myself that I’m not important. Everyone else comes first and well it’s just me so I will be okay. Learning to change my way of thinking will be really tough for me. I know who I want to be but getting there won’t be easy. Until I am a better person inside I will never be the person I want to be on the outside. I’m not saying losing weight won’t happen but until I get my thoughts in order it will always be a battle. I will start, cheat, stop and then restart. It will be a vicious  cycle of me losing and then gaining. Even if I lose a lot it will never be enough if I don’t work on the inside. Learning to love yourself at my age is difficult. Putting myself first will be a challenge but is necessary. There is no doubt in my mind that if I’m completely healthy that others around me will benefit. I’m not sure where to start but I have to do something. So…baby steps. I came up with a 21 day challenge for myself. I attempted to list 21 things I wanted to complete or habits I wanted to develop over the 21 days. It started to get overwhelming and I felt something would get lost or forgotten. The last thing I want to do is set myself up for failure. I decided to limit the list to 10 things…well sort of. I know that I have to develop a daily routine if I want to make changes. I will have to create a strict schedule for myself to make sure that I stay focused and develop healthy habits. Below is my list of 10. My thought process is that if I work less and spend less time on things that don’t matter that I will have more time to focus on what does. Early to rise with positive words and a workout. Hopefully if I begin my day right it will stay that way. I don’t have all of the right answers and I may be way off base with my thoughts but anything has to be better than what I’m currently doing. The reboot begins tomorrow! 

  1. Drink Shakeology daily
  2. Read a book 
  3. Exercise at least 30 minutes per day
  4. Create a budget and stick with it
  5. Drink at least 100 ounces of water daily
  6. Blog at least twice a week
  7. Work less than 60 hours a week
  8. No fast food
  9. Give up Facebook 
  10. Lose 10 pounds

Mental war

Sorry it has been so long since the last blog. I never seem to allow myself enough time to complete everything that I would like to. I changed my workouts a little bit but needed to adjust the start time. My sleep patterns are crazy. I will wake up at odd times and try to force myself to get more rest. Really I just read the news for an hour or so and pray I will go back to sleep. Eventually I do but it causes me to wake up later than I would like to or I wake up after a few minutes and start the cycle over again. Regardless it is my fault for not managing my time. Anyway…I had my follow up appointment yesterday to find out the results of the blood test. I was convinced there was something wrong with my thyroid because of my weight challenges. I feel like I try to workout at least 5 days a week and I’m not seeing as much progress as I thought I would. I will admit what I consume is not always the healthiest but I’m not eating a ton. As I stated before I don’t consume enough food each day. I’m close to 300 pounds and 5’7″. Weight should be falling off me but nope it is sticking to me like glue. Not the cheap glue…expensive super glue. I also assumed that something was out of whack with my hormones. I’m the sweaty bearded lady. I’m not sure how to feel about the results. The doctor said I’m super healthy. Yep…I’m shocked too. How is a sweaty, obese, bearded lady healthy? I went in hoping we could easily identify what was wrong and come up with a plan to attack it. Her guess is that I have policistic ovarian syndrome. I haven’t really researched all of the details but she prescribed a couple of meds for it and will do more tests in 90 days. I will do what I usually do. Drop the prescriptions off, pick them up and read the side effects. I hate taking pills especially for weight issues. I didn’t take a pill to get fat. So I then go thru the process of beating myself up. Am I not working hard enough? Maybe if I was stricter with my eating it would be different. I’m just lazy. Is this the easy way out? The list of questions and punches can go on forever. I’m not sure what the right decision is. She mentioned that I’m not diabetic but my body doesn’t break down sugar like it should. One of the meds will help with that and the other helps the bearded lady part. I made it clear I was not interested in an appetite suppressant. I don’t need that. So…do I avoid reading the side effects and take the stupid pills? I don’t want to take pills for the rest of my life but I feel like if I don’t get this weight off I will. My blood pressure issues won’t go away until my weight does. What is easier to justify taking? I don’t want to take any of it. I feel like I’m cheating if I do. Regardless I can’t give up. I just need to figure out the best path for me. Obviously what I’m doing now is not working. I need to figure out what does…quickly.