Relationship with food

What is your relationship with food? I met with a trainer today to discuss nutrition and that’s the question he asked me. Ummm…I don’t know. Bare with me as I write my way thru this one. Most people assume that obese people eat way too much. I will agree my portion sizes may not be the correct measurement but I truly don’t eat enough food per day. I had that same argument with my doctor who wanted to prescribe me appetite suppressants. My food choices may not be the healthiest but eating one to two times a day is not healthy either. Maybe I trained myself at some point to not eat a lot because I am so big. It’s a little crazy if I dig a little deeper. When I was a small child I remember my uncle saying we had to sit at the table until we ate all the food on our plate. Is that why I don’t stop eating when I’m full now? Most of the time I eat whatever is on my plate. I’m not a fan of leftovers so maybe that plays into it. My sister and I were on our own when we were really young. Our mother would leave us for days alone and with very little food to eat. The lack of food continued for years. There was even a challenge after I was married. My husband would disappear for days and there was very little food in the house. I was locked in and unable to leave to get anything. That’s a whole other story but maybe all of these things play into what is happening with me now. Maybe I eat my food now because I have a fear of being hungry later. Is it possible to change your relationship with food after so many years of craziness? The trainer says yes! He wants me to eat something every three hours. I need to redefine what a meal looks like. Nuts and an apple can be a meal. We went thru how many calories per day I should be eating. He then broke it down to grams and with crazy math got to the macros. Don’t worry…I’m plotting it out on an excel spreadsheet. It’s pretty overwhelming and I may not be awesome with it right now. I’m going to start by focusing on calories and the number of meals. Hopefully after I get used to that I can tie in the macros thing. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ Thats the current plan so we will see what happens. I’m not sure how I got here but I don’t want to stay here. 😊

Body Combat

It sounds scary doesn’t it? We had decided we were going to this class on our first day at the gym. In my mind I had determined it was a fighting class. We were going to punch and kick stuff. I was going to hug the bag when I needed to catch my breath. I had it all planned out. We were running a little late so when we got to the gym the class had already started. We were about to walk in anyway until they started to do some movements. I was like nope…I have to graduate to that. Also, there was no bags involved. They are kicking and punching at the air. What would I grab when I feel like I’m dying? Body Combat is off the list for now. I made my way to the treadmill. I walked for a little before the treadmill decided to stop. I may or may not have accidentally hit a button but then I couldn’t get it to restart. It’s a conspiracy. I decided to get on the rowing machine until my friend was finished walking. Just in case you were wondering…that was a bad idea too. My legs felt like jello so I’m sure I was about to eat carpet if I kept going. My knee started yelling at me toward the end too. Big πŸ–•πŸ»to the rowing machine. Tomorrow…tomorrow I will be awesome. πŸ‘πŸ»

Battle of the mind

So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!

Hot tub police

I was dragging a leg yesterday so I decided to avoid the gym. Today was a new day though. My knees still hate me so I took it really slow on the treadmill and spent a little on the bike. Then I made my way to water aerobics. I love it because you can do things in the pool that you simply cannot do outside of it. I will admit that hopping around and bending my knees was a little challenging today even in the pool. I decided I would hit up the hot tub after we were done. Maybe the heat would help with my knee pain. The hot tub was empty so I kicked back and relaxed. This old, sweaty guy appears out of no where. He starts taking his sneakers and socks off. I was apparently in total denial. There is no way you are getting in the hot tub. Sir…read the sign. You need to shower. It was like a slow motion tragedy. He sticks his feet in the water. 😳 Ummm….this is not okay. He then starts picking the skin off of his feet. 🀒 What in the holy hell are you doing? Bad knees or not I have to escape this hot tub. Don’t make me hurdle your ass sir. Thank God for the old man with the rat tail hair that distracted the skin picker. I was able to escape the skin infested water. I don’t think I will do that hot tub thing again at this gym. Nope…not happening.

Have I given up?

I don’t know the answer to that question. If I’m being honest with myself I would say that 95% of me has given up. The last couple of months I’ve tried to really focus on my physical health. I went to the gym 6 days a week and was able to lose a little weight. My body started to hate me though. I was trying to complete the couch to 10K app but clearly have failed. I got up to 70 minutes on the treadmill before I pulled the plug. My knees and foot were starting to bother me. I decided to cut it back down to 30 minutes and start adding time on the bike to it. I’m not sure what I did wrong or when but my good knee is now worse than the bad knee. It hurts and is stiff when I first start moving. It takes a while to warm up but eventually I can walk slow which is my normal. I can still walk on the treadmill but it’s at a slower pace and I’m moving slow when I’m done. Part of me worries that if I continue to push that I will cause more damage. The other part of me says I’m just making excuses and the no pain, no gain thing. How do you know which is true? We decided to stop keto on 10/1 and start counting calories. We planned to have a cheat meal before doing it. One cheat meal turned into several. When I weighed in on Monday I had gained two pounds. 😬 We swore we would be awesome again on Monday. It’s Wednesday and it hasn’t worked out yet. So…my gym life sucks and my diet is in the toilet. I can’t win for losing. My body hates me and my self sabotage game is on another level. Maybe I will read a self help book, lay on the couch all day, accept defeat or convince myself that I will be amazing tomorrow. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ Today…I give up.

Numb

Do you ever wonder how you got to a certain point? I’m not sure what’s going on with me if I’m being honest. I’m not sad or happy. I’m just here. I woke up this morning with zero desire to go to the gym. I went anyway and once there didn’t really want to get out of the car. I forced myself to get out and go inside. I guess I was hoping once I got going everything would be okay. After 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the bike, I left. I literally have no desire to do anything. It’s not that I’m depressed and want to curl up in bed. I’m just existing if that makes any sense. I’m hoping once I relocate everything will fall into place. Maybe I’m just feeling this way because I’m not working. It’s sad but maybe without work I have no purpose. There has to be more to life but I’m not sure how to figure that out. Perhaps I will explore a little more once we get settled. Either way something has to happen because this numbness is not okay.

Commando

It’s been a while since my last confession, blog or whatever we want to call this crazy. I guess I’ve just been in a little bit of a funk. I’ve been trying to stick with keto and continue to go to the gym. The couch to 10K app is now up to a total of 53 minutes although I think the next day jumps all the way to 70 minutes. 😳 My knees are kicking my butt. I had hoped that by shedding a little weight I would relieve some pressure. It’s just not happening. I weighed in a couple of days ago and am down a total of 24.2 pounds after 6 weeks. I’m sure I could be doing better. We finally had a cheat meal and have had a few desserts. It’s just been really tough lately. I thought I would give my knees a break from the treadmill and would try the bike. Yeah my left foot that has been in a boot a couple of times didn’t like it. I lasted a whopping 15 minutes and then switched to the treadmill for a little bit. I just feel like I’m spinning my wheels sometimes. Can I really accomplish the things I want to if my knees hate me? Is all of this for nothing? I decided to continue on with the 10K app today and of course my body is hating me. I guess I will try something else tomorrow. You know how when one thing isn’t going your way it seems like other things start to punch you in the face too. I struggled on the workout and then I dragged myself to the pool. I legit almost fell asleep there. I dragged myself back in to change clothes. Guess who didn’t pack any underwear or bra. I’m standing there butt naked eyeballing my swimsuit. Do I really want to fight myself putting that wet thing back on? The answer was no. Commando it is and the girls will just swing. I quit today. Tomorrow…tomorrow will be awesome.