I’ve been called emotionless, emotionally dead, cold and mean. I’m not sure how someone that cries watching the hallmark channel can be emotionless but we will go with it. I’m kind hearted but I’m also direct. I’m lovable but I’m also honest. Relationships are not something I’m good at. I watched my parents struggle and ultimately end with divorce. Then of course I watched my mother and her million failed relationships after that. I was never that girl that dreamed of a husband, kids and a white picket fence. I wanted to be free and travel the world. God had other plans though. I married, had a couple of kids and then divorced. There is nothing in me that says I want to be in a relationship again in life. I would simply like a friend that I can have amazing sex with on occasion. Apparently that doesn’t exist. I’m trying to keep things simple and then someone wants a relationship. Why? Why do you think every female wants that? Does that make me emotionally dead? Maybe. Maybe I am. For the first time in my life I’m thinking I should invest in a vibrator. No feelings or drama involved. I’m sure it would serve the purpose and no one is left disappointed. Maybe I will change my opinion when the right person comes along. I feel sorry for him when he does. 😂
It may be a little strange but I talk to myself all of the time. It hasn’t been the greatest year but positive things have happened. As I try to focus on the good I’m quickly reminded I want this damn year to end. I was attacked by the shower. Let me explain. For some unknown reason my bathroom has a tiny square shower. I actually hate it a lot but it serves the purpose. There is this huge separate tub that I should be taking long baths in but nope…haven’t been in it at all. Instead I fight myself in the shower every single day. It’s awesome. Today would be the day that the shower joined the fight. As I’m having my positive reflection time, I step one foot into the shower and boom. Big girl wipes the fuck out. As my large ass falls on the cold tile several thoughts are going thru my mind. Hold your damn head up. For the love of God and all that is holy you don’t need that metal line where the door closes up the crack of your ass. Scoot girl scoot! Big 🖕🏻to all of that. Did anyone come running when they heard the loud noise? Nope…and it’s probably for the best. Seeing your mom naked on all fours is probably not something you ever want to see in life. I’m a warrior people! I got my big ass up and got in the shower. So what if I have a big bruise on my arm and ass. At least I lived to tell the story. It’s been fun 2017 but you need to go. ✌️
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
As I started to go thru the routine of getting for work I couldn’t get this one thought out of my head. Please understand that I call myself fat because I know that I am. By no means do I think it is acceptable for people to insult other people. My story is not your story and your story is not mine. Everyone faces their own challenges in life. Please understand that words hurt. There are kids harming themselves and committing suicide every single day because of being bullied or teased by others. You have no idea why someone is overweight. They could have been starved as a child, imprisoned by an abusive spouse, have an illness or have been raped which let to pregnancy. There could be countless reasons why someone appears the way that they do. Don’t automatically assume that people that are overweight are lazy and don’t care about themselves. Don’t assume that wealthy people have no problems. They are not immune to illness, death or violence. Don’t assume a skinny person has an eating disorder. You have no idea what life they have led. I don’t know why we have decided that it is okay to body shame or pass judgement on people. No one is perfect. Your words and actions can end another’s life. Think before you speak.