It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now.
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
I spend a lot of time talking about things that I dislike about myself. The list is long so it is easy for me to get stuck in the chaos. The negativity can be overwhelming and just leads to a deeper pit of depression. So…tonight I want to try something different. How many positive things can I come up with? 😬 This is tough for me but I want to try.
- Hard working
- Best mom ever! Okay maybe not the best but pretty darn good.
Okay maybe I should attempt something physical. 😳
- Eyes…I like my eye color.
- Dimples…need to smile more so they can be seen 😉
Sorry…I think that’s the end of the list. It’s taking way too long and I’m falling asleep trying to think of more. One day I hope to see myself in a better light.
There are a thousand things running thru my head right now. I leave in a few days for my birthday trip. My plan was to lose 15 pounds before this weekend and be a stair master so I wouldn’t get kicked out of the Statue of Liberty. I really had the best intentions but as usual my commitment to working out and eating right wasn’t there. Oh I have a laundry list of excuses. Work has been crazy since the last vacation, my sleep routine has been off, there isn’t enough time, the funds have been limited, I don’t have energy, it’s too late now so why bother and the list just keeps going. I’ve lost 2 pounds since January 1st. There are some that will say that I should be happy with that. At least I didn’t gain weight. I think that is ridiculous. I’m damn near 300 pounds. I can lose 2 pounds in a day just walking to pee. There is no need to sugar coat or lie to myself. I didn’t do the work so I didn’t reach my goal. Yeah it sucks but it was expected. I walked and did the stairs a couple of times but that is it. So….I’m sorry to my friend if this trip doesn’t turn out like we had hoped. It is totally my fault. Clearly my priorites are not and have not been in order. There is no sense pretending that I’m going to get it together before the end of January. I do promise to try harder in February. I know what needs to be done I just need to actually do it. Words are just blah blah blah if there is no action. Time to come up with a plan and put it into action.