How did that happen?

Holy 💩!! Today was weigh-in day and I lost 8 pounds! Eight pounds in a week! Honestly I was dreading it. I’ve been better with working out and keeping up with my weight watchers points but I’ve also slipped a couple days. I don’t feel different and I’m still uncomfortable in my clothes. I don’t know. Maybe the scale felt sorry for me. I don’t care…I will take it! If nothing else it motivated me to go to the gym and make healthier choices at the store today. I’m hoping to buy a real yoga mat later today too. Mine was clearly made for a toddler because I’m like a giant on that thing. I’m hoping to continue yoga at least twice a week after the introductory classes end. It’s been a challenging workout but totally worth it. I’m pretty sure I just go to class to do the corpse pose at the end. Don’t judge. It’s the best. 😊 Anyway…the plan is to stick with it and continue with the gym. I know at some point I will plateau so I will have to mix it up again when that happens. I’m just happy to see progress on the scale. I’ve lost 12.6 pounds since I started Weight Watchers 19 days ago. It’s not overwhelming considering my size but it is still pretty awesome to me. Watch out 200 club…I’m coming for ya!

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Progress!

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment with my doctor. Guess who lost 6 pounds since their last appointment?!? That’s right…this chick. It looks like my little bit of gym time is paying off. I started Weight Watchers a few days ago as well. I suck at eating the right thing but hopefully this points thing will help me. So far I’m obsessed with not exceeding my points. It’s a struggle but if I can keep up with it then I know I will see positive results. Next on the list is the yoga class. I’m hoping that with my gym time, Weight Watchers, yoga and DietBets I can finally win this weight battle. Either way, I’m enjoying the process this time.

No excuses

I must admit I stayed in bed an extra hour this morning arguing with myself. I’m 40, obese and just had a pretty nasty fall yesterday. I stayed up later than I should have. I have a lot I need to get done today. What if I can’t walk because I’m sore from the fall? It’s cold out side. Someone needs to feed the cat. For real…how many excuses can you make up to not go to the gym? That’s right I’m 40 and obese. Sounds like more of a reason to go than not go. Yes I stayed up late but guess what I’m awake so there’s that. It’s 30 minutes…you have plenty of hours in the day to accomplish other things. Hello big girl you got up multiple times to pee already so you can walk. Oh and you were not dragging a leg so you are not that sore. You like the cold so find another excuse. He’s a cat…he has food and it’s not like it takes 5 hours to give him more. Get your big ass up and go to the gym! I did just that and it feels great! I’m bruised but not broken. No more excuses!

Attack of the shower

It may be a little strange but I talk to myself all of the time. It hasn’t been the greatest year but positive things have happened. As I try to focus on the good I’m quickly reminded I want this damn year to end. I was attacked by the shower. Let me explain. For some unknown reason my bathroom has a tiny square shower. I actually hate it a lot but it serves the purpose. There is this huge separate tub that I should be taking long baths in but nope…haven’t been in it at all. Instead I fight myself in the shower every single day. It’s awesome. Today would be the day that the shower joined the fight. As I’m having my positive reflection time, I step one foot into the shower and boom. Big girl wipes the fuck out. As my large ass falls on the cold tile several thoughts are going thru my mind. Hold your damn head up. For the love of God and all that is holy you don’t need that metal line where the door closes up the crack of your ass. Scoot girl scoot! Big 🖕🏻to all of that. Did anyone come running when they heard the loud noise? Nope…and it’s probably for the best. Seeing your mom naked on all fours is probably not something you ever want to see in life. I’m a warrior people! I got my big ass up and got in the shower. So what if I have a big bruise on my arm and ass. At least I lived to tell the story. It’s been fun 2017 but you need to go. ✌️

Always waiting…

I’m pretty sure I’m one of the recent blogs if not the last one I said I was done waiting for people. Well…that was a lie. After the last post I went to the gym the next day and actually got my time down to a little over 30 minutes. The next day was going to be a rest day and then the excuses started to happen again. Someone was supposed to go with me and I just kept waiting for them to show so that we could go. I even moved the start time later and still nothing. I kept telling myself they needed my help and if I didn’t wait for them then they would never go. Well…the joke was on me because we never made it back to the gym. Last night I finally told them I was tired of waiting. I was leaving with or without them in the morning. It’s so hard to be selfish and put yourself first. You can’t save the world if you can’t save yourself. I guess I thought I could motivate someone but I really just ended up losing my tiny progress. So…time to reboot again. If they want to go they will go. I have to focus on me right now. I waited five extra minutes this morning and then decided to go to the gym without them. I’m so glad that I did. I’m walking very slow but at least I’m there. I’m not really focused on time or distance at this point. This morning I just walked until I wanted to stop. I signed up for a yoga class last night as well. The class starts in January. I’m super pumped about learning yoga. I’m hoping between the gym and yoga I will be less stressed, happier and healthier. A girl can dream 😊

Breaking point

It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now. 

I’m in control

It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me. 

  • You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself 
  • When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
  • Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
  • If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public 
  • It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself 
  • These things that you believe become your vision statement
  • Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage 
  • You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it. 
  • Everything is a choice
  • You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful 
  • Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
  • You choose