Abortion

It’s been a while since my last confession/blog. I guess I have just been avoiding myself. Most people quit their job and move to a different state because they are running from something. I did it to attempt to run to something. There is so much trauma in my past and I’ve done an excellent job with packing each event in a box and sealing it up. Leakage has occurred thru the years. The past has influenced how I live my life. I told myself that thing was over and done with but it’s not. It was never dealt with. There was no forgiveness, healing, anger or any other emotion. I simply survived it and moved on. I knew I needed to make changes. I knew boxes needed to be unpacked or I would never be free. I thought that I would find people to open up to and work thru things with at church. It seems like I keep hitting walls instead. They have different groups you can join. I actually joined a few in an effort to find my tribe. Today I met with someone that leads the abortion group. I’m apparently the only person that joined the group which just feeds my insecurities. The leader jumped right in to ask me about my experience. Ma’am…do you want to know my name, how I’m doing today or any basic thing first? I told her I had an abortion when I was 15 and there wasn’t enough time to tell her about all the things that occurred to bring me to that point. My life has not been normal or at least I pray it isn’t the norm. This group just wants to talk about the abortion but nothing else. I get it but that’s not what I need. I was already emotionally dead before the abortion. I was completely numb and going thru the motions when it happened. I made an adult decision as a child. It seemed like the best decision at the time. Do I regret it? I honestly don’t know. I regret being in the position to have to make that decision. Would I do it again? I don’t know. You never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. It is heartbreaking to know that I killed someone. Not just someone…my child. The amount of shame and loneliness that you feel in that moment is indescribable. You may not process it right away. It may take years but it will catch up to you. What happens then? I can tell you every single person I start to have a conversation with refers me to counseling. I know they are right but this little voice just reminds me how I’m too much, too damaged, alone and not worthy. I also know those are lies but it is so hard to escape them. So…I’m going to throw some extra duct tape on that abortion box and put it back on the shelf. I need to start from the beginning and work my way thru the boxes. Maybe I will eventually look into counseling. Someone should say a prayer for that person. They have no idea what they are about to experience.

Body Combat

It sounds scary doesn’t it? We had decided we were going to this class on our first day at the gym. In my mind I had determined it was a fighting class. We were going to punch and kick stuff. I was going to hug the bag when I needed to catch my breath. I had it all planned out. We were running a little late so when we got to the gym the class had already started. We were about to walk in anyway until they started to do some movements. I was like nope…I have to graduate to that. Also, there was no bags involved. They are kicking and punching at the air. What would I grab when I feel like I’m dying? Body Combat is off the list for now. I made my way to the treadmill. I walked for a little before the treadmill decided to stop. I may or may not have accidentally hit a button but then I couldn’t get it to restart. It’s a conspiracy. I decided to get on the rowing machine until my friend was finished walking. Just in case you were wondering…that was a bad idea too. My legs felt like jello so I’m sure I was about to eat carpet if I kept going. My knee started yelling at me toward the end too. Big πŸ–•πŸ»to the rowing machine. Tomorrow…tomorrow I will be awesome. πŸ‘πŸ»

Battle of the mind

So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!

Bye 2019

Isn’t it crazy how the closer it gets to the end of the year, we can’t wait for it to be over? We are convinced it was the worst year ever and are super dramatic about it. We may even throw ourselves on the floor. We instantly forget all of the good things that happened throughout the whole year. I’m totally guilty of doing all of that. Saying goodbye to 2019 is a little different than previous years. I feel like this time I’m actually closing out the last chapter of my first book. I’m hoping that all the pain and craziness in the first book was all build up for an extremely happy ending in the second book. What? A girl can dream. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ I’m excited about 2020! At this moment it feels like anything is possible and big changes will occur. It almost feels like you just bought a lottery ticket and are convinced you are going to win. You even start planning out what you will do with the money. That’s how I’m looking at 2020. I may dye my hair a crazy color, create a dating profile, run with the bulls, zip line, find baby Yoda, start a doggie daycare, get a tattoo, write a book or skydive. There are endless possibilities. The question is will I allow myself to do anything? Will I get out of my own way and really live my best life? God I hope so! Happy New Year everyone!

The Ugly Truth

Obviously I’ve been avoiding this whole blog thing. It’s my space to vent or just express my thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to do that when you know some of the people that may be reading it. I never want to be that person that is a burden to others. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or think less of me because of something I’ve written. It is literally how I feel at that moment and I could feel totally different five minutes later. I had a vision of how I wanted things to be and it hasn’t turned out that way. Sometimes you just want people to see or hear about the good things so they don’t worry or judge you. The ugly truth is that I’m not okay. I honestly haven’t been for a long time. I thought once I escaped my job that things would improve. I would finally take care of me and enjoy life. The truth is it just gave me more time to think and almost all of it is negative self talk. I left a job that I worked at for over 20 years and didn’t really develop relationships. I can count on one hand the people that have reached out. Clearly I didn’t have a positive impact on anyone. I went thru the motions and remained detached. Then it turns into thoughts of no one wanting to be around me. What do I bring to the table? I’m just this weird chick that worked way too much so I don’t have any hobbies or anything to talk about. I’m better off alone. I started applying for lots of different jobs. I’ve been trying to avoid doing what I did in my previous job. I’m striking out left and right. I get it…no college degree and trying to get a job in an area I have no experience. Needless to say it’s depressing and really does a number on your self esteem. I tried to volunteer at the church and a homeless shelter. Neither of them wanted me. I mean you must be a horrible person with the plague if the homeless shelter doesn’t want your help. They eventually called back but the damage was already done by the time that occurred. Most of my days are spent in my bed or on the couch watching Netflix, applying for jobs and moving the not qualified emails out of my inbox. My poor dog is rarely taken outside. Don’t worry…he is puppy pad trained. Yes I understand I’m a horrible person for that. I try to pretend it’s okay because he gets plenty of exercise the couple of days a week he goes to daycare. Yes I realize that is wrong too. I feel like I’m so far deep in this dark hole that it is impossible to pull myself out. I know that isn’t true but I think years of baggage is catching up to me. The self hate tornado is out of control. One small thing can bring up years of reminders of why I am not worthy of anything. The more that I write the less I think of myself. I’m sure you are thinking the same thing. It’s okay….remember it’s just this moment in time. I will be okay. I just need to figure out how to get there.

Faith

There were people that thought I was completely insane for leaving my job without having another job or even a destination. I’ve been asked if I won the lottery or if I’m dying. Just for the record people…we are all dying. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m not trying to plan it either. It may not make sense to the majority but this is how I’m choosing to live my life. I’ve spent the last 21 years working way too many hours. I had convinced myself that I was making a difference. I’ve come to realize that I was just another body in a seat. I was too overwhelmed to make connections with people or truly make a difference. I thought I would be missed but that isn’t the case. People and jobs move on. You are replaced with the next person and forgotten. I don’t want to say that I regretted my time there. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the things that we go thru in life shapes us into the people that we are. I would like to believe I’m not a horrible person. I’ve made poor choices along the way. It was definitely not the smartest decision to stay as long as I did. I pray that the next phase of my life is more fulfilling. I want to know what my purpose and passion is. I want to know that I’m making a difference even if it is only with one person. I don’t want to just exist any longer. I want to feel like I’m living. Life is too short to continue to settle for anything else. Sometimes you just have to step out on faith and let the pieces fall where they may.

Wasting time?

Yes this is another self evaluation moment. As I was working out this morning I couldn’t help but wonder if I’m using my time wisely. What would you do if you had time to do it? I thought that going to the gym and working on myself physically was an obvious choice. I’m losing weight but still wonder if I’m really making progress. I know that may sound silly but I want to feel different and I really don’t at the moment. It makes me question if what I’m doing is working. Anyway, after I finish at the gym each day I head home to walk the dogs, shower, wash clothes if needed and then it’s a law and order marathon. That’s pretty much my day 6 days a week. Should I go back to the gym after walking the dogs? Maybe read a book? I thought about volunteering but not sure if that is the best idea since I will be leaving in a month or so. 😬 So…am I just wasting valuable time? I would say yes but not sure what to fill it with. This is so pathetic. Maybe I can find an afternoon yoga class. πŸ€·β€β™€οΈ Maybe I should take the puppy out for a walk. I’m not sure but I really need to figure it out soon.