I’m in control

It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me. 

  • You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself 
  • When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
  • Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
  • If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public 
  • It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself 
  • These things that you believe become your vision statement
  • Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage 
  • You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it. 
  • Everything is a choice
  • You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful 
  • Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
  • You choose

Stomach Shelf

Have you had that moment where you know things have gone too far? I’ve had several. Sometimes I feel like the hulk in my clothes like they are going to rip open any moment. Putting on socks and shoes is a heavy breathing workout. Sweating is happening and I’m sure calories are being burned. One of the most crappy moments is realizing you can use your stomach as a shelf. Yes I’ve added a pic for proof. Decades ago when I was pregnant I could do the same thing. I would shuffle cards, prop the pickle jar up and rest my hands on it all of the time. Today my shelf is much larger than when I was pregnant. My highest pregnancy weight was 190 pounds. Weigh-in for my DietBet challenge is in a couple of days. There is no doubt that it will be over 300. I’m praying that I will be able to change in 2017. I know everyone is saying new year new you. I need that to be true more than ever. Fingers crossed that I will do it this time. More action, less talking and no quitting. 💪🏻🏃

Invisible

Apparently being invisible is the superpower I have chosen for myself. I sometimes feel that I am so I guess the title is fitting. It has been a long time since my last confession on here. It’s funny how the last post was about me not putting myself on my list. I’m pretty sure I have brought a whole new meaning to falling off of the wagon. Hmmm…let’s play catch up for a moment shall we? It looks like my last post was from May. Definitely a busy time at work. I kept telling myself that after the summer I would start fresh and focus on me. I took a trip to see a friend in August and of course my clumsy butt falls down. Back in the boot I go for a couple of months. Out of the boot I am determined again to be awesome. Eat right, work out and do the right thing. I joined a DietBet and a StepBet. I won both and then did what I normally do. I became super lazy. Heck I even stopped wearing my Fitbit completely. It’s out of sight in a drawer so that I can keep using the excuse that I forgot to charge it. Clearly it takes more than 21 days for me to develop a habit. Apparently I like completing tasks and then quitting life. I’m honestly not sure what I weigh at this moment but I know it is over 300 pounds and almost positive it is a number I have never seen on the scale before. No I haven’t had to buy new clothes. I bought them big enough the first time so I have plenty of room to expand I guess. Well except now I’m not even close to comfortable. Small tasks like tying my shoes is annoying. It sometimes feels like a workout. I wish I was lying about that but unfortunately it is the honest truth. This feels horrible. I look like a pregnant woman and act like I’m about to go into labor any moment. This is not where I wanted to be. I’m turning 40 next month. I really wanted to be under 200 pounds by this point. I had big plans of spending my birthday in Europe. As usual I continue to sabotage myself. I decided that it didn’t make sense to take the trip like this. I don’t want to be embarrassed if I’m forced to buy two seats on the plane. I don’t want to get to Europe and not be in shape to explore and enjoy it. In an effort to get going again I joined another DietBet. It is scheduled to start on 1/1. I won’t be where I want to be before my birthday but maybe I will be at some point in my 40th year. No I don’t think I can lose over 100 pounds in a year but I can get closer to 200 than 300. I finally decided to step out of my comfort zone and attempt to hire a trainer. I booked a free consultation with someone and unfortunately they didn’t show. I must admit that this was a punch to the gut. I immediately felt rejected and like it wasn’t meant to be. I could sit here all night writing the thousand of negative thoughts about myself that crossed my mind. A huge part of me wanted to cry and give up. There was that small part of me that was still fighting. I began to tell myself that perhaps there was just a mix-up with the times. Hopefully she will call or email me back and we can meet again. If not…there are other trainers. It’s not the end of the world. Even if I can’t get another trainer I can still go to the gym. Either I’m going to do this or I’m not. My physical demons are big but my mental demons are enormous. One small obstacle cannot have that much power over my health. There are too many young people dying. I’ve spent 39 years fighting for survival. I want to spend my future living life to the fullest being the healthiest version of me. I want to be healthy outside but more importantly on the inside. I don’t want to feel invisible any longer. That superpower sucks anyway. 🙂