Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong? Those are the days I laugh the hardest. I laugh at how I thought it couldn’t get any worse and then it does. Perhaps I laugh to keep from crying. Needless to say the last couple of days have been tough. Work sucks…a lot. I thought it would be better by now but it’s gotten worse. I’ve decided that I will not work more than 70 hours a week. It’s still a lot but it’s a step in the right direction. Honestly after the last couple of days I will probably shorten it even more. We have experienced some turnover and unfortunately more pressure is being applied to me. With me trying to work less now, I can’t cover everything. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t be able to cover everything if I worked more. It’s just not humanly possible for one person to cover that many jobs. At this point I’m extremely frustrated with my boss, his boss and HR because no one seems to hear me when I say this is too much. I’m seriously about to snap. I curse people out on a daily basis. I look like shit. I feel like shit and it’s just getting worse. Apparently there will be changes to our insurance cost in 2018. My job required the employees to have a medical screening in order to receive savings on our insurance next year. This lovely screening occurred yesterday. They checked weight, height, blood sugar, cholesterol, BMI and blood pressure. I tried to tell the guy my arms were large and he needed a bigger blood pressure cuff but of course he didn’t listen. I busted out of that thing like the Incredible Hulk. He got a larger one and then checked my blood pressure. He asked me what it normally was and I told him normal because I take medication. Apparently it wasn’t normal at that moment. I was 144/101. I said of course because I have a stressful as job and you just tried to amputate my arm. My height…yeah I’m shrinking or I seriously need to start working on my posture. Weight…big girl has hit a new high at 314 lbs. No wonder I breathe heavy getting dressed. He almost whispered that I was obese like it was some secret. I was like dude…do you see me? That shit is no secret. Blood sugar and cholesterol was great. So here is the conclusion I came to…my job is literally killing me. I’m stressed the fuck out which is causing my blood pressure issues. I’m fat as hell because I can’t do anything but work. After this realization I share it with my boss’s boss. I actually thought we were friends on some level until this clown tells me that my workload is normal for this industry. I said no the hell it isn’t. He basically gave the HR appropriate answer like I was going to sue or something. Why couldn’t he man up and say I understand and we are trying to fix it? Thank you for all that you do. Maybe you need to take some time off. He could have said a million things that would have made me feel better but instead he said the one thing that told me he didn’t care about me. Thanks…glad I know where we stand now. I was a little bummed after that last night. Not only did I hit a new weight high but people that I thought cared about me personally really do not. Fast forward to today. For some unknown damn reason I signed up for a boot camp a couple of weeks ago. Today was the meeting and day to get measurements. Awesome…I get to find out how fat I am again. Two days in a row just makes me so happy. Anyway…I had to leave work earlier than I normally would to make it to the gym for the meeting. Don’t you worry…I still worked close to 11 hours. 😉 I’m walking out to my car with another girl from work. I get into my car to leave and realize I split my pants. I hop out to try and catch my friend but she didn’t see me waving at her. At this point I’m pretty sure my ass is exposed but I’m not 100% sure. There is no time for me to go home and change because of course I left work later than I should. I pull my shirt down and carry on. Okay I’m fat so pulling my shirt down only last for so long. The damn thing is going to roll back up. I get to the place and go straight to the restroom. Yes ladies and gentlemen we have a confirmed tear. Damn the luck. I laughed so freakin hard. Like you can’t make that up. Who splits their freakin pants right before getting measured for boot camp? Definitely one of those “here’s your sign” situations. I’m not sure who saw my ass but I’m sure if we are in boot camp together they will witness more horrifying things than that. Shit gets real beginning Monday. Let’s hope I don’t die. 🙏🏻
It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now.
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
Have you had that moment where you know things have gone too far? I’ve had several. Sometimes I feel like the hulk in my clothes like they are going to rip open any moment. Putting on socks and shoes is a heavy breathing workout. Sweating is happening and I’m sure calories are being burned. One of the most crappy moments is realizing you can use your stomach as a shelf. Yes I’ve added a pic for proof. Decades ago when I was pregnant I could do the same thing. I would shuffle cards, prop the pickle jar up and rest my hands on it all of the time. Today my shelf is much larger than when I was pregnant. My highest pregnancy weight was 190 pounds. Weigh-in for my DietBet challenge is in a couple of days. There is no doubt that it will be over 300. I’m praying that I will be able to change in 2017. I know everyone is saying new year new you. I need that to be true more than ever. Fingers crossed that I will do it this time. More action, less talking and no quitting. 💪🏻🏃
Apparently being invisible is the superpower I have chosen for myself. I sometimes feel that I am so I guess the title is fitting. It has been a long time since my last confession on here. It’s funny how the last post was about me not putting myself on my list. I’m pretty sure I have brought a whole new meaning to falling off of the wagon. Hmmm…let’s play catch up for a moment shall we? It looks like my last post was from May. Definitely a busy time at work. I kept telling myself that after the summer I would start fresh and focus on me. I took a trip to see a friend in August and of course my clumsy butt falls down. Back in the boot I go for a couple of months. Out of the boot I am determined again to be awesome. Eat right, work out and do the right thing. I joined a DietBet and a StepBet. I won both and then did what I normally do. I became super lazy. Heck I even stopped wearing my Fitbit completely. It’s out of sight in a drawer so that I can keep using the excuse that I forgot to charge it. Clearly it takes more than 21 days for me to develop a habit. Apparently I like completing tasks and then quitting life. I’m honestly not sure what I weigh at this moment but I know it is over 300 pounds and almost positive it is a number I have never seen on the scale before. No I haven’t had to buy new clothes. I bought them big enough the first time so I have plenty of room to expand I guess. Well except now I’m not even close to comfortable. Small tasks like tying my shoes is annoying. It sometimes feels like a workout. I wish I was lying about that but unfortunately it is the honest truth. This feels horrible. I look like a pregnant woman and act like I’m about to go into labor any moment. This is not where I wanted to be. I’m turning 40 next month. I really wanted to be under 200 pounds by this point. I had big plans of spending my birthday in Europe. As usual I continue to sabotage myself. I decided that it didn’t make sense to take the trip like this. I don’t want to be embarrassed if I’m forced to buy two seats on the plane. I don’t want to get to Europe and not be in shape to explore and enjoy it. In an effort to get going again I joined another DietBet. It is scheduled to start on 1/1. I won’t be where I want to be before my birthday but maybe I will be at some point in my 40th year. No I don’t think I can lose over 100 pounds in a year but I can get closer to 200 than 300. I finally decided to step out of my comfort zone and attempt to hire a trainer. I booked a free consultation with someone and unfortunately they didn’t show. I must admit that this was a punch to the gut. I immediately felt rejected and like it wasn’t meant to be. I could sit here all night writing the thousand of negative thoughts about myself that crossed my mind. A huge part of me wanted to cry and give up. There was that small part of me that was still fighting. I began to tell myself that perhaps there was just a mix-up with the times. Hopefully she will call or email me back and we can meet again. If not…there are other trainers. It’s not the end of the world. Even if I can’t get another trainer I can still go to the gym. Either I’m going to do this or I’m not. My physical demons are big but my mental demons are enormous. One small obstacle cannot have that much power over my health. There are too many young people dying. I’ve spent 39 years fighting for survival. I want to spend my future living life to the fullest being the healthiest version of me. I want to be healthy outside but more importantly on the inside. I don’t want to feel invisible any longer. That superpower sucks anyway. 🙂