Another beginning…

Wow….so much has happened or not happened since the last time I blogged. I’m not even sure where to begin. As crazy as it may sound, I believe that things happen for a reason. There could be simple things like reading a book that you had for years but maybe you needed the message now. Maybe it is sitting by a complete stranger on a plane and you needing to hear their story. Life has a funny way of showing you things as long as you are open to seeing them. I just want to say I get it…I need to make changes. I’m currently at the highest weight I have ever been in my life. I used to think 300 lbs was the highest I would go. God knows I swore to myself a million times that I was going to change. I know all of the right words to say but it’s the action part that I would get hung up on. The last time I went to the doctor I weighed 326 lbs and even though I’m on blood pressure medicine, my blood pressure was still high. I talked to the doctor about my knees and the swelling that I was experiencing. I guess bootcamp was a little too much for this big body. I hate to admit defeat but it was too difficult. My doctor told me that I should have never done it. The jumping, burpees and craziness is too much for me right now. She told me she wanted to me to get an X-ray on one of my knees and to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day. She changed my blood pressure medicine to include a water pill to help with the swelling. I’m almost 100% sure that my job is playing into my blood pressure issues. For years I have worked way more than I should and have neglected myself. Sometimes it takes tragic situations for you to wake up and realize that life is too short. Over the course of the last couple weeks my eyes and ears have been wide open. I’ve attended work conferences but personally needed the message from the speakers. I was surrounded by some amazing people on the flights and heard their stories. A friend was rushed to the hospital which shook me to my core. You start to question yourself and how you are living your life. Will anyone at my job miss me if I die tomorrow? Am I living an infinite or finite life? Do I put myself and my family first? Am I living my best life? I could go on and on with the million questions that I asked myself. At the end of the day I want to be a better person that has a positive impact on those around me. I want to be healthy and happy. So…tomorrow is a new beginning. I can’t change all of the poor decisions that got me to this point but I can try to make better decisions going forward. No more excuses!

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I’m in control

It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me. 

  • You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself 
  • When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
  • Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
  • If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public 
  • It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself 
  • These things that you believe become your vision statement
  • Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage 
  • You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it. 
  • Everything is a choice
  • You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful 
  • Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
  • You choose

Self Evaluation #1

I know it’s super easy to look at others and pass judgement. Do you ever look at yourself and do the same? I do it all the time. I constantly reflect on things I’ve said and done. There is usually a great debate about the person I am and want to be. It’s a time when I recognize where I’ve fallen short and try to understand why. Then I decide how I will move forward. This past week was another week of not working out to the videos. I had the best intentions to do them and walk daily but I seem to run out of time. I did manage to walk every day but Monday. I did cheat a little bit with a couple of meals but I stuck with drinking my Shakeology shakes daily. Needless to say I’m a little scared of the scale tomorrow. Considering this is my second week of workout failure I know I need to change something. I wake up super early to go walking but I spend a little too much time at the beach. I can’t help it…sunrise is so beautiful and the beach is so peaceful. I get lost in my thoughts there for sure. By the time I make it home I’m rushing to get ready for work. The sad part is that I’m not rushing because I’m late. I’m rushing because I want to get to work as early as I can. Once at work I stay later than I should. By the time I get home I’m eating dinner late and I’m just blah. We watch one or two shows and then I’m off to bed. I repeat the same thing each day. After my lovely self evaluation I’ve determined that I’m a workaholic that allows work to rule my life. I’ve carved a very small piece of my day out for me and the rest is dedicated to work. My day at work dictates the person that I am at home. It’s impossible to separate the two. If you have a bad day at work then you are going to take it out on your loved ones at home. You may not yell at them but if you withdraw because you don’t want to be bothered then you are still impacting them. I work more hours than is required. I think my fear of letting others down drives that bus. The sad part is I don’t realize that I’m letting myself, my family and friends down. I will never be the healthiest version of me if I continue down my same workaholic road. I know that if I feel better I will be a happier person which everyone around me would benefit from. Nobody likes hanging around with the angry fat chick. Moral of the story…I need to make changes to my work schedule and start focusing on the things that are really important. It’s going to be super hard to break this habit but I have to change. Living a life ruled by work really isn’t much of a life.