There are way too many thoughts racing thru my mind right now. As crazy as it sounds I think I create more thoughts to avoid the ones I don’t want to deal with. I tried burying everything by binge watching a tv show. I must admit it somewhat worked but I feel gross. Like I just wasted hours of my life on the couch doing nothing productive because I can’t calm my mind. It had to end at some point so this is me trying to deal with it now so that perhaps I can get some rest tonight. I wonder if anyone else tries to sabotage themselves like I do. I’ve stayed consistent with my workouts but recently my eating has taken a wrong turn. At lunch today I ate way more than I should have. It was to the point that I felt like crap with stomach pains. It was just uncomfortable and I know better. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I let myself win this battle? Is it because I don’t feel like I deserve it? The last two days of workouts I had even started looking at myself in the mirror. Just a few glances here and there but to me it was progress. I don’t know. Maybe this is all just my moment of crazy because I know that I am weighing in again in the morning. Perhaps it is the fear of not losing any weight. I can justify it if I know I ate more than I should or unhealthy things. How do I calm all of these thoughts and just take this moment by moment? Breathe. It’s only temporary. If I lost weight then I lost it. If I gained then I gained. Neither result changes the battle that I will continue to fight. I knew when I started this would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The mental weight loss battle is much more difficult than the physical one could ever be. I pray at some point I find peace and learn to love myself regardless of my size. Hopefully then my mind will relax and overthinking will be a thing of the past.
It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m sure the normal person has plans to spend time with family and friends celebrating the upcoming new year. My plans seem to be eat everything I can and have a stare off with the scale. I’m not sure what to compare the feeling to except maybe someone that knows they are going to a deserted island and is trying to pack food in their body to survive because they don’t know when they will eat again. Yes I know that is far from normal. I’ve never been one of those people that eats huge amounts of food. In fact I’ve probably been the opposite not eating enough. I just don’t eat the right things. Today…well that’s been different. Perhaps I’m scared. I’ve always dreaded the scale. I know that number isn’t going to be pretty and for some unknown reason I keep adding to it today. Tomorrow is a new beginning and I’m not sure how or where to start. I’m scared of failing. Am I strong enough this time or will I just fall back into old habits like usual? All I know at this point is gorging sucks. I feel like crap right now. I need to stop being a giant punk and get on the damn scale already. Wish me luck! Once I get over the embarrassment I will share the details.