Perception versus reality

I was legit freaking out over the increase to a 4 minute run with the C210K app. It wasn’t super easy but I did the darn thing. Of course I looked ahead and the workout this morning increased to 5 minute runs. What? You gave me one day with 4 minutes and then increased me to 5?!?! I think I scared myself so much that I didn’t wake up early enough to go to the gym this morning. I never set an alarm because I don’t sleep if I do. I’m always freaking out about not hearing it so I don’t rest well. Yes I realize that might be a little crazy. Anyway…I didn’t make it to the gym this morning. I tried to tell myself I needed the extra sleep even though I know it was because I was being a little punk. I was determined to hit the gym after work to beat that 5 minute monster. I walk in and I’m surrounded by fit, skinny people. Holy ๐Ÿ’ฉthere is a lot of people at the gym at night. I’m giving them all the stink eye. I’m pretty sure they thought it was because I was hating on the fact that they all look amazing and I’m this fat chick. Nope…that wasn’t it at all. I’m actually okay with not being skinny. I just want to feel better and be healthier. I was giving them the stink eye because it was hot as hell in the gym. Which one of you assholes messed with the air conditioner? They are all young so they were getting the momma stare down. No one confessed their sins so I carried on to the dreaded treadmill. There are a couple of people running on the other treadmills and these guys lifting weights behind me. You can see your reflection everywhere so you know when someone is looking at you. Of course they are looking at the fat chick sweating her face off walking slow motion on the treadmill. I carry on because I’m telling myself I don’t care. They don’t know me and they can think what they want. At least I’m there and putting forth the effort. I finish the killer 5 minute runs and take my sweaty ass home. I make my way to the restroom and that is when I realize why they were staring at me. I don’t normally look in the mirror but sometimes I catch a glimpse. You can see thru my damn shirt!! The sweat just made it that much better. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ I’m thinking I need to go back and collect some cash from those people for the show I just put on. Damn the luck. I guess I need to slow down and look at myself more often. I shouldn’t assume things are one way when clearly it can be something totally different. ๐Ÿคช

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Couch to maybe 10K

Last week I decided enough was enough (again) and I decided to do the couch to 10K (again). Yes I completed it the first time and injured my foot which led me down this rabbit hole of crazy. Anyway…I needed to do something and at least this will provide me with some sort of plan. I’m not going to run this time. It is walking and then walking faster in the parts where I’m supposed to run. I’m sticking with the treadmill. I don’t want to think about my foot while I’m walking and I’m hoping this will help it in some way. I don’t think it is possible to get to the 10K distance in the allotted time with my current walking speed. I’m totally fine with that. My goal really isn’t to make it to the 10K right now. My goal is to simply exercise on a consistent basis with this app helping me to push myself to walk faster then I normally would. Baby steps…that’s what I’m focusing on. I don’t want to get overwhelmed with the details. I believe everything will eventually come together and I will reach the 10K distance. I just may have to repeat the app a few times. ๐Ÿ˜Š My first week hasn’t been the greatest. It actually took me a week and a day to complete the first week of workouts. There are only 3 so that should tell you how pathetic it was. Too much work, bubble guts and tire drama were the excuses I used. It’s only 30 minutes three times a week right now so seriously…there really isn’t a good excuse. I just suck at focusing on me and taking care of myself. That has to change or I will just keep repeating the same things as you can clearly see in all of the blogs. At some point I have to slay the dragon. Let the games begin! After a pathetic week 1 I received the determination badge. Clearly I wasn’t determined but now I am. I’m going to attempt to double up and do two weeks of workouts in one week since it is only 3 days a week on the app. I’m not sure how that will work out but that’s the plan for now. Tomorrow will be day one of week 2. Wish me luck!

Day 5, 6, 7? ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿป

Yes it’s sad but true. I’ve lost track of the number of days and it’s only been a week….I think. There was no workout on day 5 or 6. Unfortunately I allowed work to take over my life. I had good intentions. I packed my bag but just didn’t see it thru. I was determined to finish the first round of the 2019 budget and I’m happy to report that I did. Now I just have to brace for the changes. Those will need to be completed this week. Day 7…I’m guessing that was today. I didn’t work out but I also decided to take the day off from work too. I haven’t had a day off since my son left so I need this one. I needed to do laundry and go shopping. The plan is to take my lunch at least a couple of days and to attempt to avoid Starbucks. We will see how that works out. I also finally got a haircut. I’m ashamed to say it has been a year since the last one. It is funny how much you ignore when you don’t look in the mirror. I was totally okay with ignoring the full beard, unibrow, mustache and bad hair until I saw it. It was a serious situation. I’m pretty sure I had a handlebar mustache. I can’t wait to see if the laser hair removal thing works. I need it to work because clearly I’m okay with looking crazy. This week didn’t go as I had planned or hoped but I did manage to learn and accomplish some things. Next week I will attempt to be awesome again. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

Day 3 & 4 ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

We are going to say that day 3 was a rest day since I worked too long and didn’t squeeze the walk in. Today is day 4 and I decided to go to the gym this morning. After work I have dinner plans so if I was going to get a walk in it had to be this morning. Let’s just say wow! I forgot how different walking on a treadmill is then walking outside. First let me say I was surprised I was less scared of falling on the treadmill than I am walking outside. Maybe it’s because I’m holding on for dear life. I’m not worried about falling so I’m not worried about how I’m walking on my foot. Since I’m not worried about my foot I’m not overcompensating or trying to correct something which leads to pain. I know it all sounds crazy. I appreciate my strolls outside. My mine is clear and I can pause and take pictures. It just feels good. In the gym you are moving at the same speed and there is no pause. I wasn’t wearing anything to measure the distance but I’m going to guess that what I walked in an hour yesterday only took me 40 minutes today. Insanity. I’m not sure what I’m going to do but part of me feels like I should build up my foot and confidence in my foot on the treadmill and then venture outside. I actually miss working out in the mornings too. I don’t know…we will see how it unfolds. What I do know is I can check another day of workout off the list. ๐Ÿ˜Š

Day 1 again, again, again

Today is day 1 for the million time. I guess that’s what happens when you quit and have to start again. Life has not been fun. I’m currently working 4 jobs and being paid for 2. I’m not sure what the right words are to describe how I’ve been feeling. Suffocation. Anxiety attack. Your neck hurts from looking down all of the time because the man is oppressing you. It’s like 5000 bricks are being placed on your shoulders. They hurt and it’s heavy. Claustrophobic. There is no escape. Failure. There is no way to accomplish everything or even anything at this point. I’ve got over 200 emails in my inbox and deadlines that will never be met. I go to work knowing I will lose, failure will happen and I will let people down. Today though..today is day 1. Last week was processing week for my son at bootcamp. This week the fun really begins for him. He asked what we were going to change while he is away. After all he is going thru a pretty intense time right now. I said I was going to lose weight and save money. I’ve learned that I need to set simple, very short term goals for myself. I haven’t been walking or to the gym in a very long time. I just wanted to do one of those things today. I woke up late so I packed a bag to go walking after work. For a moment I attempted to make excuses. I have an impossible deadline that I know I’m not going to meet. I was like that’s right…I’m not going to meet it. It doesn’t matter if I work several more hours or quit now. I’m not going to meet the deadline. Go walking! That’s exactly what I did. I pray that I’m strong enough to do the same tomorrow.

Just me, myself and I

Warning this may be an asshole moment. I think today it finally hit me. The light came on or whatever the heck you want to call it. My kids are older and doing there own thing now. My friends have younger kids, financial challenges or I just suck. Either way I find myself alone a lot. During this alone time I’m practically begging friends and family to eat, watch tv, go somewhere or whatever else. A majority of the time I strike out. If they say yes it really is a temporary yes. I wait, wait and wait some more only to be told I can go ahead without them. Thanks…the day is almost over so now I’m just staying home. It sucks a lot. You start questioning yourself. Why am I alone? Why doesn’t anyone want to hang out? As I’m sitting at the beach eating breakfast alone I realize that I’m totally okay being alone. I’m funny and just all around freakin amazing so I can entertain my damn self. I will go to the movies, take a trip, eat wherever I want and enjoy life solo. I’m done asking and waiting. Life is too short and me, myself and I have lots we want to do. See ya when I see ya โœŒ๏ธ

Superpowers

Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps Iโ€™m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally donโ€™t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.