Day 5, 6, 7? ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿป

Yes it’s sad but true. I’ve lost track of the number of days and it’s only been a week….I think. There was no workout on day 5 or 6. Unfortunately I allowed work to take over my life. I had good intentions. I packed my bag but just didn’t see it thru. I was determined to finish the first round of the 2019 budget and I’m happy to report that I did. Now I just have to brace for the changes. Those will need to be completed this week. Day 7…I’m guessing that was today. I didn’t work out but I also decided to take the day off from work too. I haven’t had a day off since my son left so I need this one. I needed to do laundry and go shopping. The plan is to take my lunch at least a couple of days and to attempt to avoid Starbucks. We will see how that works out. I also finally got a haircut. I’m ashamed to say it has been a year since the last one. It is funny how much you ignore when you don’t look in the mirror. I was totally okay with ignoring the full beard, unibrow, mustache and bad hair until I saw it. It was a serious situation. I’m pretty sure I had a handlebar mustache. I can’t wait to see if the laser hair removal thing works. I need it to work because clearly I’m okay with looking crazy. This week didn’t go as I had planned or hoped but I did manage to learn and accomplish some things. Next week I will attempt to be awesome again. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

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Day 3 & 4 ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

We are going to say that day 3 was a rest day since I worked too long and didn’t squeeze the walk in. Today is day 4 and I decided to go to the gym this morning. After work I have dinner plans so if I was going to get a walk in it had to be this morning. Let’s just say wow! I forgot how different walking on a treadmill is then walking outside. First let me say I was surprised I was less scared of falling on the treadmill than I am walking outside. Maybe it’s because I’m holding on for dear life. I’m not worried about falling so I’m not worried about how I’m walking on my foot. Since I’m not worried about my foot I’m not overcompensating or trying to correct something which leads to pain. I know it all sounds crazy. I appreciate my strolls outside. My mine is clear and I can pause and take pictures. It just feels good. In the gym you are moving at the same speed and there is no pause. I wasn’t wearing anything to measure the distance but I’m going to guess that what I walked in an hour yesterday only took me 40 minutes today. Insanity. I’m not sure what I’m going to do but part of me feels like I should build up my foot and confidence in my foot on the treadmill and then venture outside. I actually miss working out in the mornings too. I don’t know…we will see how it unfolds. What I do know is I can check another day of workout off the list. ๐Ÿ˜Š

Day 1 again, again, again

Today is day 1 for the million time. I guess that’s what happens when you quit and have to start again. Life has not been fun. I’m currently working 4 jobs and being paid for 2. I’m not sure what the right words are to describe how I’ve been feeling. Suffocation. Anxiety attack. Your neck hurts from looking down all of the time because the man is oppressing you. It’s like 5000 bricks are being placed on your shoulders. They hurt and it’s heavy. Claustrophobic. There is no escape. Failure. There is no way to accomplish everything or even anything at this point. I’ve got over 200 emails in my inbox and deadlines that will never be met. I go to work knowing I will lose, failure will happen and I will let people down. Today though..today is day 1. Last week was processing week for my son at bootcamp. This week the fun really begins for him. He asked what we were going to change while he is away. After all he is going thru a pretty intense time right now. I said I was going to lose weight and save money. I’ve learned that I need to set simple, very short term goals for myself. I haven’t been walking or to the gym in a very long time. I just wanted to do one of those things today. I woke up late so I packed a bag to go walking after work. For a moment I attempted to make excuses. I have an impossible deadline that I know I’m not going to meet. I was like that’s right…I’m not going to meet it. It doesn’t matter if I work several more hours or quit now. I’m not going to meet the deadline. Go walking! That’s exactly what I did. I pray that I’m strong enough to do the same tomorrow.

Just me, myself and I

Warning this may be an asshole moment. I think today it finally hit me. The light came on or whatever the heck you want to call it. My kids are older and doing there own thing now. My friends have younger kids, financial challenges or I just suck. Either way I find myself alone a lot. During this alone time I’m practically begging friends and family to eat, watch tv, go somewhere or whatever else. A majority of the time I strike out. If they say yes it really is a temporary yes. I wait, wait and wait some more only to be told I can go ahead without them. Thanks…the day is almost over so now I’m just staying home. It sucks a lot. You start questioning yourself. Why am I alone? Why doesn’t anyone want to hang out? As I’m sitting at the beach eating breakfast alone I realize that I’m totally okay being alone. I’m funny and just all around freakin amazing so I can entertain my damn self. I will go to the movies, take a trip, eat wherever I want and enjoy life solo. I’m done asking and waiting. Life is too short and me, myself and I have lots we want to do. See ya when I see ya โœŒ๏ธ

Superpowers

Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps Iโ€™m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally donโ€™t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.

Random thoughts

It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.

How did that happen?

Holy ๐Ÿ’ฉ!! Today was weigh-in day and I lost 8 pounds! Eight pounds in a week! Honestly I was dreading it. I’ve been better with working out and keeping up with my weight watchers points but I’ve also slipped a couple days. I don’t feel different and I’m still uncomfortable in my clothes. I don’t know. Maybe the scale felt sorry for me. I don’t care…I will take it! If nothing else it motivated me to go to the gym and make healthier choices at the store today. I’m hoping to buy a real yoga mat later today too. Mine was clearly made for a toddler because I’m like a giant on that thing. I’m hoping to continue yoga at least twice a week after the introductory classes end. It’s been a challenging workout but totally worth it. I’m pretty sure I just go to class to do the corpse pose at the end. Don’t judge. It’s the best. ๐Ÿ˜Š Anyway…the plan is to stick with it and continue with the gym. I know at some point I will plateau so I will have to mix it up again when that happens. I’m just happy to see progress on the scale. I’ve lost 12.6 pounds since I started Weight Watchers 19 days ago. It’s not overwhelming considering my size but it is still pretty awesome to me. Watch out 200 club…I’m coming for ya!