It’s been a while since my last confession/blog. I guess I have just been avoiding myself. Most people quit their job and move to a different state because they are running from something. I did it to attempt to run to something. There is so much trauma in my past and I’ve done an excellent job with packing each event in a box and sealing it up. Leakage has occurred thru the years. The past has influenced how I live my life. I told myself that thing was over and done with but it’s not. It was never dealt with. There was no forgiveness, healing, anger or any other emotion. I simply survived it and moved on. I knew I needed to make changes. I knew boxes needed to be unpacked or I would never be free. I thought that I would find people to open up to and work thru things with at church. It seems like I keep hitting walls instead. They have different groups you can join. I actually joined a few in an effort to find my tribe. Today I met with someone that leads the abortion group. I’m apparently the only person that joined the group which just feeds my insecurities. The leader jumped right in to ask me about my experience. Ma’am…do you want to know my name, how I’m doing today or any basic thing first? I told her I had an abortion when I was 15 and there wasn’t enough time to tell her about all the things that occurred to bring me to that point. My life has not been normal or at least I pray it isn’t the norm. This group just wants to talk about the abortion but nothing else. I get it but that’s not what I need. I was already emotionally dead before the abortion. I was completely numb and going thru the motions when it happened. I made an adult decision as a child. It seemed like the best decision at the time. Do I regret it? I honestly don’t know. I regret being in the position to have to make that decision. Would I do it again? I don’t know. You never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. It is heartbreaking to know that I killed someone. Not just someone…my child. The amount of shame and loneliness that you feel in that moment is indescribable. You may not process it right away. It may take years but it will catch up to you. What happens then? I can tell you every single person I start to have a conversation with refers me to counseling. I know they are right but this little voice just reminds me how I’m too much, too damaged, alone and not worthy. I also know those are lies but it is so hard to escape them. So…I’m going to throw some extra duct tape on that abortion box and put it back on the shelf. I need to start from the beginning and work my way thru the boxes. Maybe I will eventually look into counseling. Someone should say a prayer for that person. They have no idea what they are about to experience.
What is your relationship with food? I met with a trainer today to discuss nutrition and that’s the question he asked me. Ummm…I don’t know. Bare with me as I write my way thru this one. Most people assume that obese people eat way too much. I will agree my portion sizes may not be the correct measurement but I truly don’t eat enough food per day. I had that same argument with my doctor who wanted to prescribe me appetite suppressants. My food choices may not be the healthiest but eating one to two times a day is not healthy either. Maybe I trained myself at some point to not eat a lot because I am so big. It’s a little crazy if I dig a little deeper. When I was a small child I remember my uncle saying we had to sit at the table until we ate all the food on our plate. Is that why I don’t stop eating when I’m full now? Most of the time I eat whatever is on my plate. I’m not a fan of leftovers so maybe that plays into it. My sister and I were on our own when we were really young. Our mother would leave us for days alone and with very little food to eat. The lack of food continued for years. There was even a challenge after I was married. My husband would disappear for days and there was very little food in the house. I was locked in and unable to leave to get anything. That’s a whole other story but maybe all of these things play into what is happening with me now. Maybe I eat my food now because I have a fear of being hungry later. Is it possible to change your relationship with food after so many years of craziness? The trainer says yes! He wants me to eat something every three hours. I need to redefine what a meal looks like. Nuts and an apple can be a meal. We went thru how many calories per day I should be eating. He then broke it down to grams and with crazy math got to the macros. Don’t worry…I’m plotting it out on an excel spreadsheet. It’s pretty overwhelming and I may not be awesome with it right now. I’m going to start by focusing on calories and the number of meals. Hopefully after I get used to that I can tie in the macros thing. 🤷♀️ Thats the current plan so we will see what happens. I’m not sure how I got here but I don’t want to stay here. 😊
So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!
You usually regret these once you are sober. You say things that perhaps you wish you had not. Some believe the truth comes out when you are drunk but sometimes it is just pure crazy that happens. I say all of that to say that my last blog was my drunk text. No I wasn’t drunk. The truth is I didn’t have a single drink. It was late at night and I was lost in my brain. It’s a battle that I keep losing but at least I’m still fighting the fight. I regretted the post shortly after it was published. I tried to hide it but when someone contacted me this morning I realized it didn’t exactly work. 🤦🏼♀️ Then I decided to open it back up since the damage was already done. Maybe it can help someone in some way. Depression is real and you are not alone. Maybe it generates conversations about my crazy. Hopefully that opens someone’s eyes to see that person next to them that may not be okay. Life is tough and it doesn’t always go how we want it to. I have to believe there is a reason for everything and God will carry me thru this like he has everything else in my life.
Obviously I’ve been avoiding this whole blog thing. It’s my space to vent or just express my thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to do that when you know some of the people that may be reading it. I never want to be that person that is a burden to others. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or think less of me because of something I’ve written. It is literally how I feel at that moment and I could feel totally different five minutes later. I had a vision of how I wanted things to be and it hasn’t turned out that way. Sometimes you just want people to see or hear about the good things so they don’t worry or judge you. The ugly truth is that I’m not okay. I honestly haven’t been for a long time. I thought once I escaped my job that things would improve. I would finally take care of me and enjoy life. The truth is it just gave me more time to think and almost all of it is negative self talk. I left a job that I worked at for over 20 years and didn’t really develop relationships. I can count on one hand the people that have reached out. Clearly I didn’t have a positive impact on anyone. I went thru the motions and remained detached. Then it turns into thoughts of no one wanting to be around me. What do I bring to the table? I’m just this weird chick that worked way too much so I don’t have any hobbies or anything to talk about. I’m better off alone. I started applying for lots of different jobs. I’ve been trying to avoid doing what I did in my previous job. I’m striking out left and right. I get it…no college degree and trying to get a job in an area I have no experience. Needless to say it’s depressing and really does a number on your self esteem. I tried to volunteer at the church and a homeless shelter. Neither of them wanted me. I mean you must be a horrible person with the plague if the homeless shelter doesn’t want your help. They eventually called back but the damage was already done by the time that occurred. Most of my days are spent in my bed or on the couch watching Netflix, applying for jobs and moving the not qualified emails out of my inbox. My poor dog is rarely taken outside. Don’t worry…he is puppy pad trained. Yes I understand I’m a horrible person for that. I try to pretend it’s okay because he gets plenty of exercise the couple of days a week he goes to daycare. Yes I realize that is wrong too. I feel like I’m so far deep in this dark hole that it is impossible to pull myself out. I know that isn’t true but I think years of baggage is catching up to me. The self hate tornado is out of control. One small thing can bring up years of reminders of why I am not worthy of anything. The more that I write the less I think of myself. I’m sure you are thinking the same thing. It’s okay….remember it’s just this moment in time. I will be okay. I just need to figure out how to get there.
I don’t know the answer to that question. If I’m being honest with myself I would say that 95% of me has given up. The last couple of months I’ve tried to really focus on my physical health. I went to the gym 6 days a week and was able to lose a little weight. My body started to hate me though. I was trying to complete the couch to 10K app but clearly have failed. I got up to 70 minutes on the treadmill before I pulled the plug. My knees and foot were starting to bother me. I decided to cut it back down to 30 minutes and start adding time on the bike to it. I’m not sure what I did wrong or when but my good knee is now worse than the bad knee. It hurts and is stiff when I first start moving. It takes a while to warm up but eventually I can walk slow which is my normal. I can still walk on the treadmill but it’s at a slower pace and I’m moving slow when I’m done. Part of me worries that if I continue to push that I will cause more damage. The other part of me says I’m just making excuses and the no pain, no gain thing. How do you know which is true? We decided to stop keto on 10/1 and start counting calories. We planned to have a cheat meal before doing it. One cheat meal turned into several. When I weighed in on Monday I had gained two pounds. 😬 We swore we would be awesome again on Monday. It’s Wednesday and it hasn’t worked out yet. So…my gym life sucks and my diet is in the toilet. I can’t win for losing. My body hates me and my self sabotage game is on another level. Maybe I will read a self help book, lay on the couch all day, accept defeat or convince myself that I will be amazing tomorrow. 🤷♀️ Today…I give up.
I can honestly say I run from this word and everything about it. As a small child I watched my mother battle depression and mental illness. She took what felt like a thousand mood altering pills. It seemed like they could never level her out so there were numerous visits to hospitals. As crazy as it may sound, I have a hard time taking medication because of that experience. I read the side effects on everything and 9 times out of 10 will not take the medicine. Who wants a swollen tongue, constipation, suicidal thoughts and all of the other crazy stuff? That’s a hard pass for me. Perhaps I’m scared of losing control. How can you be scared to lose control of something that you don’t really have control over? What causes depression? Can you prevent it? Is it a choice? It can’t be right? Who would choose to be depressed? Am I depressed? I came across this quote that made me really question it. My sister tells me I’m emotionless or dead inside. I feel like every single day is Groundhog Day. I wake up, go to work and then come home. It feels like I’m not living my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. If I am depressed, how did I get to this place? Could it be a temporary thing because of all of the chaos that is happening with my life right now? Is depression like mental illness and it is with me forever? Does it require medication? Clearly I need to Doctor Google some things. I’m hoping that once things start to settle in my life I can start to focus on my mental health. I would like to believe I can overcome these challenges without medication. If not, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 😬