Baby steps

I’ve tried and failed a million times. Losing weight can be challenging. My biggest obstacle is me. I seem to lack discipline and of course the mental side of things is not easy. This time around I thought I would try to deal with my crazy. If I could strip away the work excuses and stress and focus on being positive then perhaps I would start to see changes. It’s difficult to make changes if you are constantly beating yourself up or not putting yourself first. I’m trying to ease into it. Monday I started tracking my calories and started taking walks again. The doctor would love for me to eat 1200 calories but I think I should take baby steps. Going from eating God only knows how many calories to eating just 1200 is too extreme. I’m pretty sure I would convince myself I was dying and/or starving to death. Extreme changes do not work for me. I get frustrated and quit. I’m hoping tracking the calories will make me more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I may not eat a lot of food but the foods that I was choosing were high in calories. On Sunday we had our last “free meal”. I was shocked when I added up the calories. Just lunch was 2600 calories. Complete insanity. This is a meal that I’ve ordered several times before and did not even realize exactly what I was doing. I think being more aware and learning what the different calorie counts are for the foods that I eat will help me come up with a better plan. The walking is difficult to say the least. I’m glad I’m getting back to it but I’m super slow. I can feel the additional weight that I’ve added to my body. I keep telling myself that it will all improve soon enough. So…I’m listening to positive messages, tracking my calories and easing back into walking again. One message, step and calorie at a time. 

What is normal?Β 

Who determines what normal is when it comes to emotions? I tend to process things pretty quickly but here lately I’ve been in a funk. Depression scares me. It’s like a dark hole that can trap you before you realize it. You just fall deeper and deeper with each day. I try to work thru emotions quickly so I’m not hanging on to negative feelings. By quickly I’m not saying five minutes but I try not to waste days on something I can’t do anything about. Unfortunately for longer than I care to admit I’ve been having some challenges. I work way too much. I know that. I’ve worked at the same place almost 20 years so It’s just part of me. I ask myself often who am I? What do I like? I think those things were lost at a young age. I became a mother and wife at 17. By the time I was 19 I was a single mother of two. That became my identity. I started working at this place when I was 21. As kids aged and no longer needed me, my job became my identity. If I had a day off I would stay on the couch. Why get up if I wasn’t going to work? What else is there to do? It sounds a little crazy to be lost at my age but I am. My work life is not okay right now. Simply put…I’m not happy. In fact I’m convinced I will die at my desk if I don’t change something. Yes that’s a bit dramatic but probably accurate. I have high blood pressure and I’m fat as hell in a stressful job. I need to change something. Part of me just wants to run away. Then my logical self says that’s not fun. I’m fat…being hungry doesn’t sound like a good time. Where the hell would I run to? Who is going to pay for my car? Yeah…I don’t think running away is the answer. It makes more sense to establish some boundaries at work. Work less and figure out what I want to do in the future. Life should be about love and laughter. It shouldn’t be filled with depression, self hate and constant work. There has to be a way out of this hole. I can’t stand the darkness anymore. I’m done with depression, moved on to anger and now see the light coming thru. Who needs normal? It sounds a little boring. I want to live an extraordinary life. 😊

So today sucked…a lot

When I first wake up I start to think about the day ahead. I try to motivate myself and just prepare to tackle the day. I knew this morning wasn’t going to be a fun time because I had been fasting before my doctor appointment at 8:30am. Yes indeed…that means no breakfast. Apparently I like to deprive myself of water too since that may have an impact on the test. I know it doesn’t but that’s my justification damn it. The only impact it had was the nurse couldn’t find my vein to get the blood. Dehydration and blood work makes a perfect combo. Anyway…it’s one of “those” appointments I shave for the poor doctor. I mean why not? I’m thinking all of that hair had to weigh some pounds. I can’t wait to see the scale. Yeah I’m never going to say that but moving on. I make it to the doctor and climb my big ass on the scale. Awesome! I gained weight. Hello 300 pound club….again. That tends to happen when you make excuses and work too much. Next it’s time to pee in a cup. I do not have that special skill. I swear I think my pee starts going different directions when I try to catch it in the cup. Every single time the nurse only gets a couple of drops for her test. I still haven’t figured out why I have to take a pregnancy test every time I go to get my birth control shot. Clearly they think I’m a hooker or something. I’m like look at me girl. Do you really think I’m sexually active? I just shaved to come here. I’m only getting the shot because I don’t want a period every month. Anyway…then we go in the dreaded room. Blood work and the lovely Pap smear is next. πŸ–•πŸ»to both of those things. The nurse said oh you are 40 now so we add another test. WTF? She giggles and leaves the room. The doctor comes in and tells me oh you’re 40 so you get the rectal examine. WTF? I said I think my ass just tightened up. Can I get a rain check on that? Nope…okay. This is going to be great. She proceeds to tell me to scoot down until my ass is off the table. Why? Why do I have to scoot that far down? All I hear is keep scooting. Eventually she starts. Without warning of course. She decides to warn me before she does the rectal thing though. That was a bad idea. A violation occurred. That was not okay. πŸ–•πŸ»that rectal examine. Oh wait…that’s pretty literal. Never mind…after I feel completely violated she tells me oh yeah since you are 40 it’s time for a mammogram. Like hell!?!?! First a rectal examine and now I have to get my boobs flattened. I love 40. It’s my favorite. I finally escape the doctor and head to work. I run to the restroom and of course the toilet paper holder thing just happens to pop open and an entire roll of toilet paper falls into the toilet. I did what any other lazy person would do. I left it there and went to the next stall. Today is shitty enough. I don’t need to go diving for toilet paper in a public restroom. πŸ–•πŸ»that too! Work wasn’t fun either. I found out some asshole is trying to recruit someone else to do my job. Really guy? πŸ–•πŸ»you too! So as you can see, my whole improve your mental health and all will be right with the world didn’t make it to day 3. Thank God tomorrow is a new beginning. I’m done with today. 

It’s because I’m 40

At this stage in the game everything wrong in my life is because I’m 40. I was going up and down stairs today and my knees were aching and cracking. It’s not because I’m obese…nope it’s because I’m 40. My shirts rolling up like a tube top…I’m 40. Bearded lady issues…yep 40. Don’t even get me started on my hair…definitely 40s fault. Big puffy eyes…you guessed it…40. It’s sad to say but I think I’ve let myself go and I don’t know that I have the energy to recover right now. I’m just tired. I look like a huge, super pale white woman with a beard, white hair and puffy eyes. It’s like something out of a horror movie. I didn’t even mention anything about my feet. I can’t remember the last pedicure. Any day now I think my heel may cut a hole in my shoe. Heck when was the last time I purchased a bra? Wow…throw nipples touching your toes into the bearded lady description. How do you let things get this far? It was so easy. I seriously believe it happened overnight. When you make everything else more important then you kind of just disappear. Blaming 40 sounds much better though so I think I will stick with that for a while. 

Scale Challenges

Month two of my DietBet challenge has come to an end which means I must weigh in. With all of the craziness of moving, working a million hours, not eating right and not making it to the gym like I should I have been avoiding the scale. I knew I was falling into old habits but I really didn’t need the scale to confirm that. So I did what any normal person would do…I talked to the scale. For the love of God and all that is holy please don’t show a number over 300 pounds again. Just in case you are wondering…that didn’t work out in my favor. So then I went to plan B…move the scale around my bathroom until I see the number I want to see. Boom! That worked! I may not know my true weight but I got the number I needed for the DietBet challenge. I’m pretty sure that won’t work next time so I need to get my crap together. Hopefully things will balance out soon at work and I will finish moving this weekend. A girl can dream…

Excuses or horrible priorities?

Sorry…it’s been a while since my last confession. I’m not sure if I like making excuses, have crappy luck or am just not disciplined enough. Life knows how to throw me some curveballs and then I just strike out. I seriously fail every time there is a choice between me and something else. The first excuse on the list is after a very long time in one house we decided to relocate to another house. This moving process has been going on for about two weeks. There is just too much junk and not enough time. Why is there no time? Well my work life sucks…a lot. We are down at least seven people. I had this glorious plan that in March I would be focusing on one job, leave work at a decent time and get healthy. Then everything was turned upside down. Now I’m working at least 12 hour days and am unable to keep a consistent gym schedule. Tomorrow is my monthly weigh in and I’m pretty sure I didn’t meet the goal. It all just sucks. I want to be awesome for my team but I’m worried about my health. How can I make this work? I feel like I have to cover as much as I can at work so more people don’t leave. I know that’s crazy but I’m not sure what else to do. So…I’m further down the priority list again. Same problem but just a different year. I just need to come up with a plan of attack. Until then I will squeeze in gym time whenever I can and try to make it all work. 😬

Mirror, mirror on the wall

I’ve avoided mirrors for years. Why stand and stare at myself if I’m not happy with what I see? The gym is surrounded with mirrors and that was a huge struggle for me when I first started going. The trainer wanted me to look at myself so I could see my form and movements. I would look at her instead. Once in a while I would look at myself. Conversations with myself slowly started to happen. This is all part of my journey. I may not be happy with what I see but I’m working on it. In the beginning I would pick myself apart. There was a list of flaws. Now it’s just me becoming a better version on myself. Let’s not get crazy. I’m not going to going to stare at myself for hours or stop every time I see my reflection. I’m just not running from it anymore. Learning to love myself is a process. At some point I had to realize I am who I am. My double chin isn’t going to disappear overnight. My eyes are my eyes. My nose is my nose. My body is my body. All of these things are just what people see and don’t determine who I am at my core. I happen to like myself. I’m honest, caring and pretty funny at times. That to me is more important than what I can see with my eyes. My physical appearance will change more and more thru the years. This winning personality though…it will be constant. πŸ˜‰