It’s day whatever of being quarantined. Wait…let’s talk about that for a minute. Are you really quarantined? Places are open and you can leave your house. Yes I know it is just the essential business but I’m pretty sure that is every place. What has closed? You can’t eat inside the restaurant but you can still go inside to pick up your order. Home improvement and craft stores are open. You can buy a car right now if you wanted to. Regardless I’m blaming the quarantined situation for my weight gain. The thought of being controlled made me emotionally eat. So…what else do you do when you are stuck at home, your hair looks cray cray, your mind is all over the board, you need to shave and you have packed on the pounds? You think…I should totally create an online dating profile. What? That’s totally normal. 🤣 The way I see it…this may be my worst so if you like me now, boy will you love me later. It may be the craziest dating profile ever but at least it will be truthful. Don’t worry…the public is safe. It was just a thought 😉
I know it’s wrong but I’ve lost count of the quarantine days. Perhaps it’s because I haven’t really stayed home the whole time. 😬 What? I feel the need to restock the kitchen just in case the stores close. I don’t think I would be a very nice person if I was starving. It’s like I’m doing a public service. 🤷♀️ Anyway…we have reached a new level of crazy today. The internet stopped working. You read that correctly. No internet. It’s not working. How many times can you restart something? Wait…I’ve started and stopped dieting and exercising like a million times. 😳 This isn’t about me though. It’s about the internet that isn’t working while I’m quarantined and trying to work from home. Insert the desk flipping gif here. What in the world am I supposed to do now? The master of the internet universe isn’t coming for hours. That’s like a lifetime sir, ma’am, they. Yes this is a cry for help. So maybe that’s a little dramatic. I guess I will add to the quarantine weight gain and eat my feelings. Maybe I can entice the internet magician with my muffins. 🤣
Is anyone else overthinking life right now? I stayed home one day. Yes…just one day. I may have eaten enough for a village that day. It’s like I didn’t think about what was happening. Maybe my mind thought I needed to store away food like a squirrel or something. Then the freak out occurs because what if I run out of food and starve to death. Yes…that extreme in one sentence. 🤣 Lets not stop there though. What if we run out of food? Who will survive? Will it be the zombie apocalypse? I’m not ready for that? I’m fat and can’t run. Someone will feast on my body for days. I wonder if I can make zombie friends and they will spare me. 🤔 If they don’t, what kind of zombie will I be? Have you ever seen an overweight zombie? How does that work? How would I get food if I’m an out of shape zombie? Yes…my mind is out of control. The next day I HAD to get out of the house. The thought of being forced to stay home by someone made me have a little bit of anxiety. What do you mean I can’t leave when I want to? When did I become a prisoner? I know I said prison was my retirement plan but I’m not retiring yet. I must escape. Day 3 rolls around and I have to go to the store. What if there is something I need? States are shutting down. 😳 I go to the store and buy stuff I don’t need. It all makes total sense. That night I start to reflect on the day and the previous days. I ended up looking at diets and joined a damn virtual race. Day four has arrived…I wonder what will happen today. Will I eat all of the candy and cookies in the house to prepare for the diet? Will I be able to find the diet food in the store right now? How am I going to do the virtual race if I can’t leave my house? Sweet baby Jesus…get it together woman! Oh the drama! 🤪
Where is Usher when you need him? This is my confession…okay maybe a totally different thing than what he was talking about but it’s still a confession. 🤷♀️ I quit the gym. There…it’s out in the open now. The truth will set you free or whatever helps you sleep at night. I was that guy the beginning of January that signed up with the best of intentions. I even bought lessons with a trainer and met with the nutrition guy. I tracked my calories, macros, exercise and everything else using MyFitnessPal. If I’m being honest with myself, I made it a couple of weeks before I knew I was cancelling my membership. By the end of January I gave my 30 day notice. It was pointless and I knew I was going to do exactly what I did. I mean…I’ve only started and stopped a million times. I’m a pro at quitting when it comes to doing something for me. I can tell you that I did it for financial reasons and that would be true too. Why pay for an expensive gym when you clearly are not going to go? It was a total waste of everyone’s time and energy. The poor little trainer tried so hard. She was so sweet but had no idea what she was up against. I’m just a lost cause right now. The harsh reality is that I will never commit to taking care of me until I believe I’m worth it. No one can get me there but me. I’m not sure how or when that will happen either. So I guess that whole gym bod thing is on hold. 😉 On a positive note…I won’t catch the coronavirus from the gym. 😂 People…wash your hands and clean the machines after using them. For the love of God and all that is holy, you should have been doing it before this virus thing anyway!
What is your relationship with food? I met with a trainer today to discuss nutrition and that’s the question he asked me. Ummm…I don’t know. Bare with me as I write my way thru this one. Most people assume that obese people eat way too much. I will agree my portion sizes may not be the correct measurement but I truly don’t eat enough food per day. I had that same argument with my doctor who wanted to prescribe me appetite suppressants. My food choices may not be the healthiest but eating one to two times a day is not healthy either. Maybe I trained myself at some point to not eat a lot because I am so big. It’s a little crazy if I dig a little deeper. When I was a small child I remember my uncle saying we had to sit at the table until we ate all the food on our plate. Is that why I don’t stop eating when I’m full now? Most of the time I eat whatever is on my plate. I’m not a fan of leftovers so maybe that plays into it. My sister and I were on our own when we were really young. Our mother would leave us for days alone and with very little food to eat. The lack of food continued for years. There was even a challenge after I was married. My husband would disappear for days and there was very little food in the house. I was locked in and unable to leave to get anything. That’s a whole other story but maybe all of these things play into what is happening with me now. Maybe I eat my food now because I have a fear of being hungry later. Is it possible to change your relationship with food after so many years of craziness? The trainer says yes! He wants me to eat something every three hours. I need to redefine what a meal looks like. Nuts and an apple can be a meal. We went thru how many calories per day I should be eating. He then broke it down to grams and with crazy math got to the macros. Don’t worry…I’m plotting it out on an excel spreadsheet. It’s pretty overwhelming and I may not be awesome with it right now. I’m going to start by focusing on calories and the number of meals. Hopefully after I get used to that I can tie in the macros thing. 🤷♀️ Thats the current plan so we will see what happens. I’m not sure how I got here but I don’t want to stay here. 😊
It sounds scary doesn’t it? We had decided we were going to this class on our first day at the gym. In my mind I had determined it was a fighting class. We were going to punch and kick stuff. I was going to hug the bag when I needed to catch my breath. I had it all planned out. We were running a little late so when we got to the gym the class had already started. We were about to walk in anyway until they started to do some movements. I was like nope…I have to graduate to that. Also, there was no bags involved. They are kicking and punching at the air. What would I grab when I feel like I’m dying? Body Combat is off the list for now. I made my way to the treadmill. I walked for a little before the treadmill decided to stop. I may or may not have accidentally hit a button but then I couldn’t get it to restart. It’s a conspiracy. I decided to get on the rowing machine until my friend was finished walking. Just in case you were wondering…that was a bad idea too. My legs felt like jello so I’m sure I was about to eat carpet if I kept going. My knee started yelling at me toward the end too. Big 🖕🏻to the rowing machine. Tomorrow…tomorrow I will be awesome. 👍🏻
So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!