Is anyone else overthinking life right now? I stayed home one day. Yes…just one day. I may have eaten enough for a village that day. It’s like I didn’t think about what was happening. Maybe my mind thought I needed to store away food like a squirrel or something. Then the freak out occurs because what if I run out of food and starve to death. Yes…that extreme in one sentence. 🤣 Lets not stop there though. What if we run out of food? Who will survive? Will it be the zombie apocalypse? I’m not ready for that? I’m fat and can’t run. Someone will feast on my body for days. I wonder if I can make zombie friends and they will spare me. 🤔 If they don’t, what kind of zombie will I be? Have you ever seen an overweight zombie? How does that work? How would I get food if I’m an out of shape zombie? Yes…my mind is out of control. The next day I HAD to get out of the house. The thought of being forced to stay home by someone made me have a little bit of anxiety. What do you mean I can’t leave when I want to? When did I become a prisoner? I know I said prison was my retirement plan but I’m not retiring yet. I must escape. Day 3 rolls around and I have to go to the store. What if there is something I need? States are shutting down. 😳 I go to the store and buy stuff I don’t need. It all makes total sense. That night I start to reflect on the day and the previous days. I ended up looking at diets and joined a damn virtual race. Day four has arrived…I wonder what will happen today. Will I eat all of the candy and cookies in the house to prepare for the diet? Will I be able to find the diet food in the store right now? How am I going to do the virtual race if I can’t leave my house? Sweet baby Jesus…get it together woman! Oh the drama! 🤪
You can probably tell by all my craziness that I’ve never been to therapy. It is something that I’m considering at this stage in my life. I think it may be the only way to heal what needs to be healed. I must admit I’m a little scared to do it. Someone mentioned that I would have to write a letter to my younger self. What would I say to that little girl? Is it before or after the first trauma? Do you prepare her for what’s to come? Do you try to protect her knowing you can’t? She is going to feel invisible at some point. How can you change that knowing the end result? No one is going to come to her rescue. She will be alone and hurt by the people that are closest to her. What’s the point of the letter? At this point it seems like it would be more of a warning letter. Don’t do that, avoid that person and find someone to help. You will feel numb. You won’t allow yourself to get attached to anything or anyone. You are going to feel worthless and there is nothing I can do to help you. You are going to beat yourself up all of the time. You won’t value yourself so you won’t take care of yourself. You won’t even make the list of people you need to take care of. You will work a lot and avoid anything self care related. You will convince yourself that no one wants to be around you so you will just work even more. Time will fly by and before you know it you will be alone. In those silent moments you will wonder if you deserved everything that happened to you. 😬 What do you say to someone knowing you can’t change anything? Hopefully this whole letter writing thing doesn’t happen until much later in the process or I may make a run for it. I can’t help that little girl. I can’t save her. The letter that I would write today won’t change that.
It’s been a while since my last confession/blog. I guess I have just been avoiding myself. Most people quit their job and move to a different state because they are running from something. I did it to attempt to run to something. There is so much trauma in my past and I’ve done an excellent job with packing each event in a box and sealing it up. Leakage has occurred thru the years. The past has influenced how I live my life. I told myself that thing was over and done with but it’s not. It was never dealt with. There was no forgiveness, healing, anger or any other emotion. I simply survived it and moved on. I knew I needed to make changes. I knew boxes needed to be unpacked or I would never be free. I thought that I would find people to open up to and work thru things with at church. It seems like I keep hitting walls instead. They have different groups you can join. I actually joined a few in an effort to find my tribe. Today I met with someone that leads the abortion group. I’m apparently the only person that joined the group which just feeds my insecurities. The leader jumped right in to ask me about my experience. Ma’am…do you want to know my name, how I’m doing today or any basic thing first? I told her I had an abortion when I was 15 and there wasn’t enough time to tell her about all the things that occurred to bring me to that point. My life has not been normal or at least I pray it isn’t the norm. This group just wants to talk about the abortion but nothing else. I get it but that’s not what I need. I was already emotionally dead before the abortion. I was completely numb and going thru the motions when it happened. I made an adult decision as a child. It seemed like the best decision at the time. Do I regret it? I honestly don’t know. I regret being in the position to have to make that decision. Would I do it again? I don’t know. You never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. It is heartbreaking to know that I killed someone. Not just someone…my child. The amount of shame and loneliness that you feel in that moment is indescribable. You may not process it right away. It may take years but it will catch up to you. What happens then? I can tell you every single person I start to have a conversation with refers me to counseling. I know they are right but this little voice just reminds me how I’m too much, too damaged, alone and not worthy. I also know those are lies but it is so hard to escape them. So…I’m going to throw some extra duct tape on that abortion box and put it back on the shelf. I need to start from the beginning and work my way thru the boxes. Maybe I will eventually look into counseling. Someone should say a prayer for that person. They have no idea what they are about to experience.
What is your relationship with food? I met with a trainer today to discuss nutrition and that’s the question he asked me. Ummm…I don’t know. Bare with me as I write my way thru this one. Most people assume that obese people eat way too much. I will agree my portion sizes may not be the correct measurement but I truly don’t eat enough food per day. I had that same argument with my doctor who wanted to prescribe me appetite suppressants. My food choices may not be the healthiest but eating one to two times a day is not healthy either. Maybe I trained myself at some point to not eat a lot because I am so big. It’s a little crazy if I dig a little deeper. When I was a small child I remember my uncle saying we had to sit at the table until we ate all the food on our plate. Is that why I don’t stop eating when I’m full now? Most of the time I eat whatever is on my plate. I’m not a fan of leftovers so maybe that plays into it. My sister and I were on our own when we were really young. Our mother would leave us for days alone and with very little food to eat. The lack of food continued for years. There was even a challenge after I was married. My husband would disappear for days and there was very little food in the house. I was locked in and unable to leave to get anything. That’s a whole other story but maybe all of these things play into what is happening with me now. Maybe I eat my food now because I have a fear of being hungry later. Is it possible to change your relationship with food after so many years of craziness? The trainer says yes! He wants me to eat something every three hours. I need to redefine what a meal looks like. Nuts and an apple can be a meal. We went thru how many calories per day I should be eating. He then broke it down to grams and with crazy math got to the macros. Don’t worry…I’m plotting it out on an excel spreadsheet. It’s pretty overwhelming and I may not be awesome with it right now. I’m going to start by focusing on calories and the number of meals. Hopefully after I get used to that I can tie in the macros thing. 🤷♀️ Thats the current plan so we will see what happens. I’m not sure how I got here but I don’t want to stay here. 😊
It sounds scary doesn’t it? We had decided we were going to this class on our first day at the gym. In my mind I had determined it was a fighting class. We were going to punch and kick stuff. I was going to hug the bag when I needed to catch my breath. I had it all planned out. We were running a little late so when we got to the gym the class had already started. We were about to walk in anyway until they started to do some movements. I was like nope…I have to graduate to that. Also, there was no bags involved. They are kicking and punching at the air. What would I grab when I feel like I’m dying? Body Combat is off the list for now. I made my way to the treadmill. I walked for a little before the treadmill decided to stop. I may or may not have accidentally hit a button but then I couldn’t get it to restart. It’s a conspiracy. I decided to get on the rowing machine until my friend was finished walking. Just in case you were wondering…that was a bad idea too. My legs felt like jello so I’m sure I was about to eat carpet if I kept going. My knee started yelling at me toward the end too. Big 🖕🏻to the rowing machine. Tomorrow…tomorrow I will be awesome. 👍🏻
So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!
You usually regret these once you are sober. You say things that perhaps you wish you had not. Some believe the truth comes out when you are drunk but sometimes it is just pure crazy that happens. I say all of that to say that my last blog was my drunk text. No I wasn’t drunk. The truth is I didn’t have a single drink. It was late at night and I was lost in my brain. It’s a battle that I keep losing but at least I’m still fighting the fight. I regretted the post shortly after it was published. I tried to hide it but when someone contacted me this morning I realized it didn’t exactly work. 🤦🏼♀️ Then I decided to open it back up since the damage was already done. Maybe it can help someone in some way. Depression is real and you are not alone. Maybe it generates conversations about my crazy. Hopefully that opens someone’s eyes to see that person next to them that may not be okay. Life is tough and it doesn’t always go how we want it to. I have to believe there is a reason for everything and God will carry me thru this like he has everything else in my life.