Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong? Those are the days I laugh the hardest. I laugh at how I thought it couldn’t get any worse and then it does. Perhaps I laugh to keep from crying. Needless to say the last couple of days have been tough. Work sucks…a lot. I thought it would be better by now but it’s gotten worse. I’ve decided that I will not work more than 70 hours a week. It’s still a lot but it’s a step in the right direction. Honestly after the last couple of days I will probably shorten it even more. We have experienced some turnover and unfortunately more pressure is being applied to me. With me trying to work less now, I can’t cover everything. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t be able to cover everything if I worked more. It’s just not humanly possible for one person to cover that many jobs. At this point I’m extremely frustrated with my boss, his boss and HR because no one seems to hear me when I say this is too much. I’m seriously about to snap. I curse people out on a daily basis. I look like shit. I feel like shit and it’s just getting worse. Apparently there will be changes to our insurance cost in 2018. My job required the employees to have a medical screening in order to receive savings on our insurance next year. This lovely screening occurred yesterday. They checked weight, height, blood sugar, cholesterol, BMI and blood pressure. I tried to tell the guy my arms were large and he needed a bigger blood pressure cuff but of course he didn’t listen. I busted out of that thing like the Incredible Hulk. He got a larger one and then checked my blood pressure. He asked me what it normally was and I told him normal because I take medication. Apparently it wasn’t normal at that moment. I was 144/101. I said of course because I have a stressful as job and you just tried to amputate my arm. My height…yeah I’m shrinking or I seriously need to start working on my posture. Weight…big girl has hit a new high at 314 lbs. No wonder I breathe heavy getting dressed. He almost whispered that I was obese like it was some secret. I was like dude…do you see me? That shit is no secret. Blood sugar and cholesterol was great. So here is the conclusion I came to…my job is literally killing me. I’m stressed the fuck out which is causing my blood pressure issues. I’m fat as hell because I can’t do anything but work. After this realization I share it with my boss’s boss. I actually thought we were friends on some level until this clown tells me that my workload is normal for this industry. I said no the hell it isn’t. He basically gave the HR appropriate answer like I was going to sue or something. Why couldn’t he man up and say I understand and we are trying to fix it? Thank you for all that you do. Maybe you need to take some time off. He could have said a million things that would have made me feel better but instead he said the one thing that told me he didn’t care about me. Thanks…glad I know where we stand now. I was a little bummed after that last night. Not only did I hit a new weight high but people that I thought cared about me personally really do not. Fast forward to today. For some unknown damn reason I signed up for a boot camp a couple of weeks ago. Today was the meeting and day to get measurements. Awesome…I get to find out how fat I am again. Two days in a row just makes me so happy. Anyway…I had to leave work earlier than I normally would to make it to the gym for the meeting. Don’t you worry…I still worked close to 11 hours. 😉 I’m walking out to my car with another girl from work. I get into my car to leave and realize I split my pants. I hop out to try and catch my friend but she didn’t see me waving at her. At this point I’m pretty sure my ass is exposed but I’m not 100% sure. There is no time for me to go home and change because of course I left work later than I should. I pull my shirt down and carry on. Okay I’m fat so pulling my shirt down only last for so long. The damn thing is going to roll back up. I get to the place and go straight to the restroom. Yes ladies and gentlemen we have a confirmed tear. Damn the luck. I laughed so freakin hard. Like you can’t make that up. Who splits their freakin pants right before getting measured for boot camp? Definitely one of those “here’s your sign” situations. I’m not sure who saw my ass but I’m sure if we are in boot camp together they will witness more horrifying things than that. Shit gets real beginning Monday. Let’s hope I don’t die. 🙏🏻
It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now.
I’ve tried and failed a million times. Losing weight can be challenging. My biggest obstacle is me. I seem to lack discipline and of course the mental side of things is not easy. This time around I thought I would try to deal with my crazy. If I could strip away the work excuses and stress and focus on being positive then perhaps I would start to see changes. It’s difficult to make changes if you are constantly beating yourself up or not putting yourself first. I’m trying to ease into it. Monday I started tracking my calories and started taking walks again. The doctor would love for me to eat 1200 calories but I think I should take baby steps. Going from eating God only knows how many calories to eating just 1200 is too extreme. I’m pretty sure I would convince myself I was dying and/or starving to death. Extreme changes do not work for me. I get frustrated and quit. I’m hoping tracking the calories will make me more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I may not eat a lot of food but the foods that I was choosing were high in calories. On Sunday we had our last “free meal”. I was shocked when I added up the calories. Just lunch was 2600 calories. Complete insanity. This is a meal that I’ve ordered several times before and did not even realize exactly what I was doing. I think being more aware and learning what the different calorie counts are for the foods that I eat will help me come up with a better plan. The walking is difficult to say the least. I’m glad I’m getting back to it but I’m super slow. I can feel the additional weight that I’ve added to my body. I keep telling myself that it will all improve soon enough. So…I’m listening to positive messages, tracking my calories and easing back into walking again. One message, step and calorie at a time.
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
Who determines what normal is when it comes to emotions? I tend to process things pretty quickly but here lately I’ve been in a funk. Depression scares me. It’s like a dark hole that can trap you before you realize it. You just fall deeper and deeper with each day. I try to work thru emotions quickly so I’m not hanging on to negative feelings. By quickly I’m not saying five minutes but I try not to waste days on something I can’t do anything about. Unfortunately for longer than I care to admit I’ve been having some challenges. I work way too much. I know that. I’ve worked at the same place almost 20 years so It’s just part of me. I ask myself often who am I? What do I like? I think those things were lost at a young age. I became a mother and wife at 17. By the time I was 19 I was a single mother of two. That became my identity. I started working at this place when I was 21. As kids aged and no longer needed me, my job became my identity. If I had a day off I would stay on the couch. Why get up if I wasn’t going to work? What else is there to do? It sounds a little crazy to be lost at my age but I am. My work life is not okay right now. Simply put…I’m not happy. In fact I’m convinced I will die at my desk if I don’t change something. Yes that’s a bit dramatic but probably accurate. I have high blood pressure and I’m fat as hell in a stressful job. I need to change something. Part of me just wants to run away. Then my logical self says that’s not fun. I’m fat…being hungry doesn’t sound like a good time. Where the hell would I run to? Who is going to pay for my car? Yeah…I don’t think running away is the answer. It makes more sense to establish some boundaries at work. Work less and figure out what I want to do in the future. Life should be about love and laughter. It shouldn’t be filled with depression, self hate and constant work. There has to be a way out of this hole. I can’t stand the darkness anymore. I’m done with depression, moved on to anger and now see the light coming thru. Who needs normal? It sounds a little boring. I want to live an extraordinary life. 😊
At this stage in the game everything wrong in my life is because I’m 40. I was going up and down stairs today and my knees were aching and cracking. It’s not because I’m obese…nope it’s because I’m 40. My shirts rolling up like a tube top…I’m 40. Bearded lady issues…yep 40. Don’t even get me started on my hair…definitely 40s fault. Big puffy eyes…you guessed it…40. It’s sad to say but I think I’ve let myself go and I don’t know that I have the energy to recover right now. I’m just tired. I look like a huge, super pale white woman with a beard, white hair and puffy eyes. It’s like something out of a horror movie. I didn’t even mention anything about my feet. I can’t remember the last pedicure. Any day now I think my heel may cut a hole in my shoe. Heck when was the last time I purchased a bra? Wow…throw nipples touching your toes into the bearded lady description. How do you let things get this far? It was so easy. I seriously believe it happened overnight. When you make everything else more important then you kind of just disappear. Blaming 40 sounds much better though so I think I will stick with that for a while.
Or at least I hope so! What a freakin shit day yesterday was. As we dropped my sons car off to be repaired I gave the man at the counter the “you better not screw me over” look. It included the two fingers pointing at my eyes and then at his. I see you guy. We both know this is covered under warranty and my week has been shit so don’t mess with me. That went over real well. We were there when the place opened and of course he calls right before closing to let me know the car would not be ready until Friday afternoon. Thanks guy. You = awesome. Another day I get to drive the fam around. Woohoo! That means I get to stay at work super late to try and make up for the time away. Work sucked big, sweaty, lint covered balls yesterday. When I finally made it to work the chaos started. Two out sick and one with tooth drama. We had three interviews scheduled and only one showed. Oh and my old landlord called to let me know I wasn’t getting a single penny of my deposit back. I’m pretty sure I would have gone completely insane if I wasn’t at work. How does that happen? Why does that happen? They are putting the place up for sale so new appliances need to be purchased and carpet replaced. So what if I lived there 7 years and it was normal wear and tear. If they were renting it they wouldn’t have to replace those items. So a big solid middle finger to that whole thing. I leave work to pick my son up from work. Drop him off and back to work I go. I thought it would be in my best interest to stop for food on the way back so that I can enjoy a lovely dinner at my desk. So what if the skies have opened up and I can barely see out the window. I drive thru the lovely Chick fil a. Since it’s been a shit day I decide I need a shake in my life. I mean why not? My Dietbet already sucks ass so why not add on a few more pounds? A co-worker asked me to grab her a sandwich as well. Just the sandwich…why not a meal? So now I get to look like the fat ass that orders a meal and an extra sandwich. Thanks for that. No I’m not consuming all of this food. I’m sure that’s what the people at the window are thinking. Oh well…I drive back to work. Once there I swear God was dumping buckets on my car. Now I have to figure out how to hold the bag of food, my shake, an umbrella, keys and my phone. In case you are wondering it didn’t work out. Rain is coming in 20 different directions and I’m not sure why the hell I’m even trying to use an umbrella. Paper bags of food and rain don’t mix well. The bag got wet and the food was dropped. Now I’m the fat ass in the parking lot picking food up off the ground. To top it all off my boob is dipped in my shake while trying to do everything. So…I finally make it in the building with wet food, soaking wet clothes, wet shoes and cookies and cream shake on my boob. Yes…everything is awesome. I worked in the wetness until my daughter in-law got off work a few hours later. I pick her up and go home. After a few hours of sleep Friday is here and the day has started. For the love of God and all that is holy please let today be better than yesterday.