Day 5, 6, 7? ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿป

Yes it’s sad but true. I’ve lost track of the number of days and it’s only been a week….I think. There was no workout on day 5 or 6. Unfortunately I allowed work to take over my life. I had good intentions. I packed my bag but just didn’t see it thru. I was determined to finish the first round of the 2019 budget and I’m happy to report that I did. Now I just have to brace for the changes. Those will need to be completed this week. Day 7…I’m guessing that was today. I didn’t work out but I also decided to take the day off from work too. I haven’t had a day off since my son left so I need this one. I needed to do laundry and go shopping. The plan is to take my lunch at least a couple of days and to attempt to avoid Starbucks. We will see how that works out. I also finally got a haircut. I’m ashamed to say it has been a year since the last one. It is funny how much you ignore when you don’t look in the mirror. I was totally okay with ignoring the full beard, unibrow, mustache and bad hair until I saw it. It was a serious situation. I’m pretty sure I had a handlebar mustache. I can’t wait to see if the laser hair removal thing works. I need it to work because clearly I’m okay with looking crazy. This week didn’t go as I had planned or hoped but I did manage to learn and accomplish some things. Next week I will attempt to be awesome again. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

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Day 2 rollercoaster

How is it possible to feel so many different emotions within minutes? I realize that may sound a little crazy. When I started my walk I was proud that I was actually doing it. Another day without excuses. There was a sense of freedom too. I’m not currently wearing a Fitbit so I’m not tracking my steps and neither is anyone else that I’m connected to. I haven’t even weighed myself. Part of me didn’t want to get caught up in how many pounds I lost. I just want to feel better. Then fear starts to set in. I keep thinking about each step and whether or not I will fall down. I start to watch my feet as I walk. My previously injured foot started to hurt because I’m walking in an awkward way. I keep obsessing on which way my foot is rolling and if I’m messing my foot up. As I’m looking down I notice my large stomach. Disgust sinks in and then I start to beat myself up about the way I look. What am I doing? Is this walk really going to make a difference? The crazy just keeps going for almost the entire time. I then start thinking about the weather and how extremely hot it is outside. I’m determined to finish what I started. Then I breathe in a big sign of relief when I see my car. Yes! Celebration occurs because I’ve made it to the finish line. Does anyone else do this? It’s like a crazy rollercoaster that I can’t escape. Hopefully as I continue to walk I will start to feel better. I would assume if you feel better then you are more likely to have positive thoughts. ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

Day 1 again, again, again

Today is day 1 for the million time. I guess that’s what happens when you quit and have to start again. Life has not been fun. I’m currently working 4 jobs and being paid for 2. I’m not sure what the right words are to describe how I’ve been feeling. Suffocation. Anxiety attack. Your neck hurts from looking down all of the time because the man is oppressing you. It’s like 5000 bricks are being placed on your shoulders. They hurt and it’s heavy. Claustrophobic. There is no escape. Failure. There is no way to accomplish everything or even anything at this point. I’ve got over 200 emails in my inbox and deadlines that will never be met. I go to work knowing I will lose, failure will happen and I will let people down. Today though..today is day 1. Last week was processing week for my son at bootcamp. This week the fun really begins for him. He asked what we were going to change while he is away. After all he is going thru a pretty intense time right now. I said I was going to lose weight and save money. I’ve learned that I need to set simple, very short term goals for myself. I haven’t been walking or to the gym in a very long time. I just wanted to do one of those things today. I woke up late so I packed a bag to go walking after work. For a moment I attempted to make excuses. I have an impossible deadline that I know I’m not going to meet. I was like that’s right…I’m not going to meet it. It doesn’t matter if I work several more hours or quit now. I’m not going to meet the deadline. Go walking! That’s exactly what I did. I pray that I’m strong enough to do the same tomorrow.

Superpowers

Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps Iโ€™m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally donโ€™t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.

How did that happen?

Holy ๐Ÿ’ฉ!! Today was weigh-in day and I lost 8 pounds! Eight pounds in a week! Honestly I was dreading it. I’ve been better with working out and keeping up with my weight watchers points but I’ve also slipped a couple days. I don’t feel different and I’m still uncomfortable in my clothes. I don’t know. Maybe the scale felt sorry for me. I don’t care…I will take it! If nothing else it motivated me to go to the gym and make healthier choices at the store today. I’m hoping to buy a real yoga mat later today too. Mine was clearly made for a toddler because I’m like a giant on that thing. I’m hoping to continue yoga at least twice a week after the introductory classes end. It’s been a challenging workout but totally worth it. I’m pretty sure I just go to class to do the corpse pose at the end. Don’t judge. It’s the best. ๐Ÿ˜Š Anyway…the plan is to stick with it and continue with the gym. I know at some point I will plateau so I will have to mix it up again when that happens. I’m just happy to see progress on the scale. I’ve lost 12.6 pounds since I started Weight Watchers 19 days ago. It’s not overwhelming considering my size but it is still pretty awesome to me. Watch out 200 club…I’m coming for ya!

No excuses

I must admit I stayed in bed an extra hour this morning arguing with myself. I’m 40, obese and just had a pretty nasty fall yesterday. I stayed up later than I should have. I have a lot I need to get done today. What if I can’t walk because I’m sore from the fall? It’s cold out side. Someone needs to feed the cat. For real…how many excuses can you make up to not go to the gym? That’s right I’m 40 and obese. Sounds like more of a reason to go than not go. Yes I stayed up late but guess what I’m awake so there’s that. It’s 30 minutes…you have plenty of hours in the day to accomplish other things. Hello big girl you got up multiple times to pee already so you can walk. Oh and you were not dragging a leg so you are not that sore. You like the cold so find another excuse. He’s a cat…he has food and it’s not like it takes 5 hours to give him more. Get your big ass up and go to the gym! I did just that and it feels great! I’m bruised but not broken. No more excuses!

Always waiting…

I’m pretty sure I’m one of the recent blogs if not the last one I said I was done waiting for people. Well…that was a lie. After the last post I went to the gym the next day and actually got my time down to a little over 30 minutes. The next day was going to be a rest day and then the excuses started to happen again. Someone was supposed to go with me and I just kept waiting for them to show so that we could go. I even moved the start time later and still nothing. I kept telling myself they needed my help and if I didn’t wait for them then they would never go. Well…the joke was on me because we never made it back to the gym. Last night I finally told them I was tired of waiting. I was leaving with or without them in the morning. It’s so hard to be selfish and put yourself first. You can’t save the world if you can’t save yourself. I guess I thought I could motivate someone but I really just ended up losing my tiny progress. So…time to reboot again. If they want to go they will go. I have to focus on me right now. I waited five extra minutes this morning and then decided to go to the gym without them. I’m so glad that I did. I’m walking very slow but at least I’m there. I’m not really focused on time or distance at this point. This morning I just walked until I wanted to stop. I signed up for a yoga class last night as well. The class starts in January. I’m super pumped about learning yoga. I’m hoping between the gym and yoga I will be less stressed, happier and healthier. A girl can dream ๐Ÿ˜Š