Battle of the mind

So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!

Faith

There were people that thought I was completely insane for leaving my job without having another job or even a destination. I’ve been asked if I won the lottery or if I’m dying. Just for the record people…we are all dying. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m not trying to plan it either. It may not make sense to the majority but this is how I’m choosing to live my life. I’ve spent the last 21 years working way too many hours. I had convinced myself that I was making a difference. I’ve come to realize that I was just another body in a seat. I was too overwhelmed to make connections with people or truly make a difference. I thought I would be missed but that isn’t the case. People and jobs move on. You are replaced with the next person and forgotten. I don’t want to say that I regretted my time there. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the things that we go thru in life shapes us into the people that we are. I would like to believe I’m not a horrible person. I’ve made poor choices along the way. It was definitely not the smartest decision to stay as long as I did. I pray that the next phase of my life is more fulfilling. I want to know what my purpose and passion is. I want to know that I’m making a difference even if it is only with one person. I don’t want to just exist any longer. I want to feel like I’m living. Life is too short to continue to settle for anything else. Sometimes you just have to step out on faith and let the pieces fall where they may.

Numb

Do you ever wonder how you got to a certain point? I’m not sure what’s going on with me if I’m being honest. I’m not sad or happy. I’m just here. I woke up this morning with zero desire to go to the gym. I went anyway and once there didn’t really want to get out of the car. I forced myself to get out and go inside. I guess I was hoping once I got going everything would be okay. After 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the bike, I left. I literally have no desire to do anything. It’s not that I’m depressed and want to curl up in bed. I’m just existing if that makes any sense. I’m hoping once I relocate everything will fall into place. Maybe I’m just feeling this way because I’m not working. It’s sad but maybe without work I have no purpose. There has to be more to life but I’m not sure how to figure that out. Perhaps I will explore a little more once we get settled. Either way something has to happen because this numbness is not okay.

Gym time

I didn’t go to the gym for close to a week and I didn’t miss it. 😬 Is that wrong? I’ve been going 6 days a week for a month. I thought I would develop a habit and crave it at some point. Nope…not there yet. Will it ever happen? I’m not sure. Right now I view it as a necessary evil to get me where I want to be. That kind of makes me nervous if I’m being honest. Will I quit going at some point and fall back into old habits? I guess I shouldn’t waste energy playing the what if game and just focus on right now. I legit dreaded the 28 minute run/walk fast today. I know it is only 3 more minutes than yesterday but apparently I like being super dramatic and fighting myself. 🤷‍♀️ The treadmills I like we’re taken so I had to choose one I have never used before. I am convinced it is faster than the other ones. I thought I was going to fall off. Well that was before I got distracted by my shoes. It felt like my toenails were trying to claw their way out. Seriously…it hasn’t been that long since my last pedicure. How did I suddenly have talons? Focusing on my toes helped because the time started to fly by. Thank God! Don’t worry I cut the talons when I got home. Nails are so disgusting and so are those nasty people that don’t clean the machines at the gym after using them. 🤢 Clearly I need to work on my stink eye. Sir/ma’am I see you! You just sweated all over that machine. I bet you didn’t wash your hands in the bathroom either. You are so nasty. I guess it would be wrong if I sprayed you down with the cleaner. Get it together people! Anyway…it was off to the pool after my treadmill time. I will admit I dreaded it too. Once I was in the pool though…it felt great. I may have even missed my old lady gang a little. I wonder if I can talk them into matching tattoos. 🤔 It’s never too late to get that tramp stamp right? Just kidding 🤣

Such a slacker

Sorry…it’s been a minute since I last posted. I feel like there is so much to catch up on. 😬 Obviously I survived the children of the corn hotel. That was so scary stuff. I will confess that I didn’t open my suitcase at all. No bugs, flies, spiders or whatever else was in that room was getting in my suitcase. Hell to the no. I slept with one eye open. 👁 You better believe I didn’t change clothes, shower or brush my teeth. My stinky, dragon breath behind ran out of there as fast as I could the next morning. The next hotel didn’t look the greatest on the outside but the inside had been remodeled. Don’t you worry your pretty little head. I showered and brushed my teeth as soon as I got in the room. Such a dirty girl. 😂 My friend arrived Saturday morning. After grabbing some lunch we headed to the boat for our whale watching adventure. Okay…I’m not one to get sea sick but after some seriously bumpy waters I was plotting out where I needed to go if I did get sick. 🤢 The struggle was real. I tried to remain positive as we were going further and further out. Can we see a dolphin, shark, Nemo or something? It was just choppy water for miles until all of a sudden whales started to appear. It was so amazing! I would highly recommend doing it at least once in your life. Oh and just a little tip…don’t be that guy that rushes on the boat so you can sit in the front. You will get soaked and sea sick. If you can survive all of that then I’m sure you will have a great view of the whales. The ride back was much smoother so no chunks were blown during this trip. Back on land we headed back to the hotel and then ate dinner. The next morning it was on to the next hotel and to catch up with another friend. I will say that Virginia is such a beautiful state to drive thru. You should totally do it if you haven’t already. Anyway…the last hotel was the best so I guess it was a good way to end the trip. Aside from a small slice of cheesecake, I stuck to keto. In fact, you can say I even fasted because I pretty much only had one meal a day for a couple of the days. I need to be better prepared for keto and road trips. I didn’t work out at all either. 😬 The last hotel was the only one with a gym and I wasn’t interested if I’m being honest. I just wanted to make it to the next destination. I had a yummy dinner last night and went to bed early because I knew I would be going to the gym this morning. It only made sense to get back in the routine again so that I can continue to lose this weight. I weighed in this morning and had lost one pound in the last week. 😔 I know…I didn’t work out and at least I didn’t gain. 🤷‍♀️ I kept trying to leave to go to the gym but bubble guts kept sending me to the restroom instead. After a couple of trips I made it out the door. I decided once I got to the gym I wasn’t going to do the pool today. My stomach was still rumbling so I would just do the treadmill and pray that I didn’t have to prairie dog it to the restroom. 🙏🏻 It was a little rough doing the couch to 10K but I pushed thru and got it done. We are up to 25 minutes of run/walking faster now. I’m scared to look at tomorrow. I guess not too scared because I just looked. It goes up to 28 minutes. The walk/run intervals are a thing of the past. What was I thinking? 🤦🏼‍♀️ I suppose you don’t know what you can do until you try. I’ve surprised myself so far so I have to keep going as long as I can. I met with a trainer before going on my trip. She showed me the weights and kind of gave me a guide on what to do each day. I’m thinking I will start that on Monday. I need to buy a notebook so I can keep track. I also need to figure out my yoga life. Lots to do and well I have nothing but time so I won’t complain. 😉

Is this impossible?

I’m ashamed of how many times I have asked myself that question. I’ve been using this couch to 10K app to help get me moving. I’m not actually running while doing it so I’m not sure if I will reach the 10K distance by the time I finish the app or not. I’ve been walking and then walking a little faster on the run parts. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have cursed the creators of the app and their moms. The idea is to walk for so many minutes and then run for so many minutes. Each day the run minutes increase. By week 5 they start skipping numbers. You go from running 6 minutes to running 8. Week 6 you jump to running 10 minutes. Today was day 3 of week 6 and can you believe they jumped to 15 minutes of running? Ma’am/Sir…what the hell happened to 7, 9, and the very important 11, 12, 13, and 14? Is this a torture technique? I looked ahead last night so I knew today would include the 15 minute run. That was my first mistake. The really sad part is this isn’t my first time using this app. Clearly this crazy had slipped my mind. Anyway, I didn’t sleep well so I was prepared to sleep in and perhaps not do the couch to 10K today. I’m pretty sure God was pointing at me and laughing when I woke up early. What other excuse can I come up with? My knees have been killing me. Maybe I should take another rest day or just go to the swim class. The 15 minutes just seems impossible for me. Then I was reminded of what a dear friend has been telling me. Celebrate every victory. You may not be where you think you should be but you are making progress. It’s better than where you were a month ago. I rolled out of bed and headed to the gym. I will admit I was still worried about the 15 minutes. I told myself I would do what I can do. I’m in control of the treadmill so if I need to lower the speed before the 15 then I can do that. The goal was to go for as long as I could at the higher speed. I tried really hard to not watch the minutes on the app. That didn’t really work out. I looked down several times but instead of dreading how many minutes I had left, I cheered myself on for how many had already passed. If I’m being honest, I could have gone longer than the 15 minutes at the higher speed. I’m not sure how much longer but I’m excited to find out. It’s only impossible if I don’t try. 🤗

Wasting time?

Yes this is another self evaluation moment. As I was working out this morning I couldn’t help but wonder if I’m using my time wisely. What would you do if you had time to do it? I thought that going to the gym and working on myself physically was an obvious choice. I’m losing weight but still wonder if I’m really making progress. I know that may sound silly but I want to feel different and I really don’t at the moment. It makes me question if what I’m doing is working. Anyway, after I finish at the gym each day I head home to walk the dogs, shower, wash clothes if needed and then it’s a law and order marathon. That’s pretty much my day 6 days a week. Should I go back to the gym after walking the dogs? Maybe read a book? I thought about volunteering but not sure if that is the best idea since I will be leaving in a month or so. 😬 So…am I just wasting valuable time? I would say yes but not sure what to fill it with. This is so pathetic. Maybe I can find an afternoon yoga class. 🤷‍♀️ Maybe I should take the puppy out for a walk. I’m not sure but I really need to figure it out soon.