I’m in control

It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me. 

  • You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself 
  • When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
  • Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
  • If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public 
  • It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself 
  • These things that you believe become your vision statement
  • Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage 
  • You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it. 
  • Everything is a choice
  • You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful 
  • Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
  • You choose

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How bad do you want it? 

As I lay in my bed on a rainy Sunday that is the question I kept asking myself. My workout partner was sick yesterday so she ended up cancelling at the last minute. I was already awake and it felt great outside so I decided to go for a walk. As I was walking I decided I would try to get 10K steps before making it back home. I did it but it felt like it took forever. I hit 10K before 8am and then only got 4K steps for the rest of the day. That’s pretty sad especially when you consider how horrible my eating was also. My friend let me know last night that she wouldn’t make it to workout today. I woke up and checked the weather to see when the rain would stop so I could go walking again. Of course it is supposed to rain all morning. So…do I stay in my comfy bed or lay on the couch and binge watch some show? That’s what I wanted to do if I’m being honest. It’s so easy to be lazy. I could come up with a thousand reasons to stay home and really only one pesky reason to get up. I want to be out of the 300 pound club before 40. My eating has not been the greatest but I’ve attempted to exercise each day. I’m worried it is not enough though. I haven’t weighed myself since last Wednesday and don’t intend to until this coming Wednesday. I don’t want to know if I’m falling short to the goal because then I think I would really become more lazy. I wouldn’t necessarily give up on losing weight but I would not work as hard to do it. I know that sounds crazy but that’s just how my mind works. So…how bad do I want it? I got my big ass out of bed and went to the gym. I want to lose weight but I know I’m not doing all that I can to do it. Somehow I need to combine wanting it with discipline to eat right and workout twice a day. Baby steps. First you have to get up! 

What motivates you? 

Nothing about my lazy, fat self wants to get out of a comfy bed and workout. I would much rather leave the bed and head straight for the couch to have a Netflix marathon. It’s ugly but honest. You know what you should do but do you let what you want to do get in the way? Just because I started trying to be a healthier me doesn’t mean I stop having lazy moments. I debated my next move while laying bed. There was no way I was going to miss a workout. I’m going to see this 21 days thru until the end. It was just a matter of whether I roll out of bed and do the workout or keep being lazy and put it off until later. Working out isn’t my favorite thing to do right now. I’m sure at some point 100 pounds lighter I may think differently. Right now I don’t look forward to it at all. So what makes you want to get out of your comfy bed to do something that you dislike? My answer is me. I’m getting up and doing the workout because in the end I win. The dislike is only temporary. It only exist because it’s hard and uncomfortable right now. I know that will pass. You don’t get what you want in life by giving up when things are tough. There are still exercises that I can’t do. I can’t even do the modified version. In those times I keep moving and do what I can do. You have to be your own motivator. You have to hold yourself accountable. You have to know that you are worth it. Don’t let the overwhelming depressing moments hold you captive for too long. Get up and get moving! The day is what you make it.