You usually regret these once you are sober. You say things that perhaps you wish you had not. Some believe the truth comes out when you are drunk but sometimes it is just pure crazy that happens. I say all of that to say that my last blog was my drunk text. No I wasn’t drunk. The truth is I didn’t have a single drink. It was late at night and I was lost in my brain. It’s a battle that I keep losing but at least I’m still fighting the fight. I regretted the post shortly after it was published. I tried to hide it but when someone contacted me this morning I realized it didn’t exactly work. 🤦🏼♀️ Then I decided to open it back up since the damage was already done. Maybe it can help someone in some way. Depression is real and you are not alone. Maybe it generates conversations about my crazy. Hopefully that opens someone’s eyes to see that person next to them that may not be okay. Life is tough and it doesn’t always go how we want it to. I have to believe there is a reason for everything and God will carry me thru this like he has everything else in my life.
Obviously I’ve been avoiding this whole blog thing. It’s my space to vent or just express my thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to do that when you know some of the people that may be reading it. I never want to be that person that is a burden to others. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or think less of me because of something I’ve written. It is literally how I feel at that moment and I could feel totally different five minutes later. I had a vision of how I wanted things to be and it hasn’t turned out that way. Sometimes you just want people to see or hear about the good things so they don’t worry or judge you. The ugly truth is that I’m not okay. I honestly haven’t been for a long time. I thought once I escaped my job that things would improve. I would finally take care of me and enjoy life. The truth is it just gave me more time to think and almost all of it is negative self talk. I left a job that I worked at for over 20 years and didn’t really develop relationships. I can count on one hand the people that have reached out. Clearly I didn’t have a positive impact on anyone. I went thru the motions and remained detached. Then it turns into thoughts of no one wanting to be around me. What do I bring to the table? I’m just this weird chick that worked way too much so I don’t have any hobbies or anything to talk about. I’m better off alone. I started applying for lots of different jobs. I’ve been trying to avoid doing what I did in my previous job. I’m striking out left and right. I get it…no college degree and trying to get a job in an area I have no experience. Needless to say it’s depressing and really does a number on your self esteem. I tried to volunteer at the church and a homeless shelter. Neither of them wanted me. I mean you must be a horrible person with the plague if the homeless shelter doesn’t want your help. They eventually called back but the damage was already done by the time that occurred. Most of my days are spent in my bed or on the couch watching Netflix, applying for jobs and moving the not qualified emails out of my inbox. My poor dog is rarely taken outside. Don’t worry…he is puppy pad trained. Yes I understand I’m a horrible person for that. I try to pretend it’s okay because he gets plenty of exercise the couple of days a week he goes to daycare. Yes I realize that is wrong too. I feel like I’m so far deep in this dark hole that it is impossible to pull myself out. I know that isn’t true but I think years of baggage is catching up to me. The self hate tornado is out of control. One small thing can bring up years of reminders of why I am not worthy of anything. The more that I write the less I think of myself. I’m sure you are thinking the same thing. It’s okay….remember it’s just this moment in time. I will be okay. I just need to figure out how to get there.
There were people that thought I was completely insane for leaving my job without having another job or even a destination. I’ve been asked if I won the lottery or if I’m dying. Just for the record people…we are all dying. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m not trying to plan it either. It may not make sense to the majority but this is how I’m choosing to live my life. I’ve spent the last 21 years working way too many hours. I had convinced myself that I was making a difference. I’ve come to realize that I was just another body in a seat. I was too overwhelmed to make connections with people or truly make a difference. I thought I would be missed but that isn’t the case. People and jobs move on. You are replaced with the next person and forgotten. I don’t want to say that I regretted my time there. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the things that we go thru in life shapes us into the people that we are. I would like to believe I’m not a horrible person. I’ve made poor choices along the way. It was definitely not the smartest decision to stay as long as I did. I pray that the next phase of my life is more fulfilling. I want to know what my purpose and passion is. I want to know that I’m making a difference even if it is only with one person. I don’t want to just exist any longer. I want to feel like I’m living. Life is too short to continue to settle for anything else. Sometimes you just have to step out on faith and let the pieces fall where they may.
Yes this is another self evaluation moment. As I was working out this morning I couldn’t help but wonder if I’m using my time wisely. What would you do if you had time to do it? I thought that going to the gym and working on myself physically was an obvious choice. I’m losing weight but still wonder if I’m really making progress. I know that may sound silly but I want to feel different and I really don’t at the moment. It makes me question if what I’m doing is working. Anyway, after I finish at the gym each day I head home to walk the dogs, shower, wash clothes if needed and then it’s a law and order marathon. That’s pretty much my day 6 days a week. Should I go back to the gym after walking the dogs? Maybe read a book? I thought about volunteering but not sure if that is the best idea since I will be leaving in a month or so. 😬 So…am I just wasting valuable time? I would say yes but not sure what to fill it with. This is so pathetic. Maybe I can find an afternoon yoga class. 🤷♀️ Maybe I should take the puppy out for a walk. I’m not sure but I really need to figure it out soon.
It’s been a while since my last blog. Life has been a little crazy and sometimes I run from myself. This has been my outlet for real, raw, unfiltered thoughts and emotions. It’s where I release things that maybe should sometimes stay in my head. This helps me and my hope is by sharing that it can help someone else as well. So…here goes. Have you ever felt backed in a corner where you feel you need to do something drastic to escape? I’ve been feeling like that for a while. Work and kids have been my only focus for a lot of years. You can tell by my previous blogs that I would go thru stages of trying to put myself first. I would fail every single time. I’m not good at choosing me. The kids and work were always first. The kids are grown now and hopefully living their best life. Work…I’m not sure how else to describe it but an abusive relationship. I have no clue what to do with my time if I’m not working. I had kids when I was a kid and worked my ass off trying to provide for them. I have become this lost individual that just wakes up, goes to work, goes home to bed and then repeats. Last year I was really frustrated at work and started thinking of quitting. Of course the responsible workaholic in me fed me tons of excuses why I shouldn’t. I turned 42 in January. I hit my 21 year work anniversary in February. I’m pretty sure I had a serious meltdown when I realized I had worked half of my life somewhere. What have I really done with my life? You can look at me and tell that I have not taken care of myself. I’m just existing in this life and not really living at all. I decided to submit my resignation in March. I moved out of my apartment and was living in a hotel when I did it. I didn’t want anyone changing my mind. There was no way out of this. Well…it turns out that they were a little shocked with my resignation and asked me to continue to work thru the summer. Obviously there was a financial component behind it which is why I agreed. It would give me more opportunity to try and save before I drove off into the sunset. At least that is what I told myself. I continued to work and since I was there they decided to wait until July to feel one of my positions. Come on…you know workaholics have like 4 jobs. It’s funny how they realize the need to split things after they have murdered you for years but whatever. I’m not bitter. 😉 Needless to say I finally reached my last day of work. Today is my first day of being unemployed. I’m not trying to find another job right now. I don’t want one. I want to focus on me. I want to work on my mental and physical health so that I don’t get lost when I do start to work again. There are so many things I’ve never done or places I have not been. My big plan is to not really have a plan. I packed the car and drove a little north to stay with a friend for a month or two. After that…we will see where the road takes me. This chapter will be about learning to love myself, getting healthier and trying new things. Wish me luck!