It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now.
I’ve tried and failed a million times. Losing weight can be challenging. My biggest obstacle is me. I seem to lack discipline and of course the mental side of things is not easy. This time around I thought I would try to deal with my crazy. If I could strip away the work excuses and stress and focus on being positive then perhaps I would start to see changes. It’s difficult to make changes if you are constantly beating yourself up or not putting yourself first. I’m trying to ease into it. Monday I started tracking my calories and started taking walks again. The doctor would love for me to eat 1200 calories but I think I should take baby steps. Going from eating God only knows how many calories to eating just 1200 is too extreme. I’m pretty sure I would convince myself I was dying and/or starving to death. Extreme changes do not work for me. I get frustrated and quit. I’m hoping tracking the calories will make me more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I may not eat a lot of food but the foods that I was choosing were high in calories. On Sunday we had our last “free meal”. I was shocked when I added up the calories. Just lunch was 2600 calories. Complete insanity. This is a meal that I’ve ordered several times before and did not even realize exactly what I was doing. I think being more aware and learning what the different calorie counts are for the foods that I eat will help me come up with a better plan. The walking is difficult to say the least. I’m glad I’m getting back to it but I’m super slow. I can feel the additional weight that I’ve added to my body. I keep telling myself that it will all improve soon enough. So…I’m listening to positive messages, tracking my calories and easing back into walking again. One message, step and calorie at a time.
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
When I first wake up I start to think about the day ahead. I try to motivate myself and just prepare to tackle the day. I knew this morning wasn’t going to be a fun time because I had been fasting before my doctor appointment at 8:30am. Yes indeed…that means no breakfast. Apparently I like to deprive myself of water too since that may have an impact on the test. I know it doesn’t but that’s my justification damn it. The only impact it had was the nurse couldn’t find my vein to get the blood. Dehydration and blood work makes a perfect combo. Anyway…it’s one of “those” appointments I shave for the poor doctor. I mean why not? I’m thinking all of that hair had to weigh some pounds. I can’t wait to see the scale. Yeah I’m never going to say that but moving on. I make it to the doctor and climb my big ass on the scale. Awesome! I gained weight. Hello 300 pound club….again. That tends to happen when you make excuses and work too much. Next it’s time to pee in a cup. I do not have that special skill. I swear I think my pee starts going different directions when I try to catch it in the cup. Every single time the nurse only gets a couple of drops for her test. I still haven’t figured out why I have to take a pregnancy test every time I go to get my birth control shot. Clearly they think I’m a hooker or something. I’m like look at me girl. Do you really think I’m sexually active? I just shaved to come here. I’m only getting the shot because I don’t want a period every month. Anyway…then we go in the dreaded room. Blood work and the lovely Pap smear is next. 🖕🏻to both of those things. The nurse said oh you are 40 now so we add another test. WTF? She giggles and leaves the room. The doctor comes in and tells me oh you’re 40 so you get the rectal examine. WTF? I said I think my ass just tightened up. Can I get a rain check on that? Nope…okay. This is going to be great. She proceeds to tell me to scoot down until my ass is off the table. Why? Why do I have to scoot that far down? All I hear is keep scooting. Eventually she starts. Without warning of course. She decides to warn me before she does the rectal thing though. That was a bad idea. A violation occurred. That was not okay. 🖕🏻that rectal examine. Oh wait…that’s pretty literal. Never mind…after I feel completely violated she tells me oh yeah since you are 40 it’s time for a mammogram. Like hell!?!?! First a rectal examine and now I have to get my boobs flattened. I love 40. It’s my favorite. I finally escape the doctor and head to work. I run to the restroom and of course the toilet paper holder thing just happens to pop open and an entire roll of toilet paper falls into the toilet. I did what any other lazy person would do. I left it there and went to the next stall. Today is shitty enough. I don’t need to go diving for toilet paper in a public restroom. 🖕🏻that too! Work wasn’t fun either. I found out some asshole is trying to recruit someone else to do my job. Really guy? 🖕🏻you too! So as you can see, my whole improve your mental health and all will be right with the world didn’t make it to day 3. Thank God tomorrow is a new beginning. I’m done with today.
I’ve worked way too many hours for as long as I can remember. Yes…I am a workaholic. For years I did it to support my kids. It became my identity. At this stage in my life it is the only thing getting me out of bed or off the couch. I can’t remember the last time I went walking. Thank you Timehop for reminding me that three years ago I saw the sunrise and sunset often. If I’m being honest a big reason for it was because I led a walking group for my job. Either way I was active and enjoying my time taking pictures. I wasn’t rushing to work before sunrise to get a jump on the day. Work hasn’t been fun in a long time. I’ve got way too much on my plate and instead of being the loving, caring person that I am, everyone believes I’m a giant asshole. I’ve neglected myself and became a miserable person. I don’t like me at all. So my new plan is to try to take care of myself mentally. I need to discover what makes me happy and not pour so much of myself into my job. It’s literally sucking the life out me. I spent the last two days on the couch binge watching Netflix and eating…a lot. Tomorrow is my new beginning. I made a list of 10 things I want to accomplish before January 1st. A couple of the items may be a little silly but it’s things I’ve said I wanted to do but just keep putting off. Don’t worry…one of the items on the list is to blog at least once a week. If I’m doing other things on the list it will be more than that. I actually enjoy blogging quite a bit. Call me crazy but it’s therapeutic. 😊 Wish me luck…I think we both know I will need it.