Today is that day

You know the one where you are probably at your lowest point. I tried for a moment to think of something positive about myself and totally failed. I literally hate everything about myself at this moment. Don’t worry…my crazy ass will snap out of it and will attempt to be awesome tomorrow. Today is just tough. One of my friends informed me this weekend that I needed to purchase a swimsuit. The thought of it made me ill. I haven’t owned a swimsuit in years…like 20 or so. We went to three different stores and I was just dripping with sweat. Thank God none of them had any for me to try on. I would have passed the hell out. I started heading home and of course I’m telling myself I’m a grown ass woman and I should just buy a swimsuit. It’s not that big of deal. My body is my body and I should just get over myself. I bought an Apple Watch and pie instead because that made more sense. ๐Ÿ˜ณ After I beat myself up last night I decided I would go again today to a different store. I grabbed a couple of different short sizes and they only had one top that was maybe my size. OMG! I’m so fat…there are no words to describe what I saw in that mirror. My knees look like they are sunk in. They actually look like the back of my leg if I’m being honest. It’s really, really bad. I have the largest size shorts that they have and if I gain a pound I may bust out like the Incredible Hulk. The only thing I can say about the top is I thought it was a smaller size than what it actually is because I was going based on the size on the hanger. Yeah that was an awesome discovery too. I bought it though. Now I own a swimsuit that I don’t want to wear but I will eventually. I know what you are thinking. Fat girl get off your ass and do something about it. Yeah I know…I don’t need the lecture or judgement. Tonight I will eat Oreos and work because that is the only thing I’m good at. Tomorrow is a new day…

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Perception versus reality

I was legit freaking out over the increase to a 4 minute run with the C210K app. It wasn’t super easy but I did the darn thing. Of course I looked ahead and the workout this morning increased to 5 minute runs. What? You gave me one day with 4 minutes and then increased me to 5?!?! I think I scared myself so much that I didn’t wake up early enough to go to the gym this morning. I never set an alarm because I don’t sleep if I do. I’m always freaking out about not hearing it so I don’t rest well. Yes I realize that might be a little crazy. Anyway…I didn’t make it to the gym this morning. I tried to tell myself I needed the extra sleep even though I know it was because I was being a little punk. I was determined to hit the gym after work to beat that 5 minute monster. I walk in and I’m surrounded by fit, skinny people. Holy ๐Ÿ’ฉthere is a lot of people at the gym at night. I’m giving them all the stink eye. I’m pretty sure they thought it was because I was hating on the fact that they all look amazing and I’m this fat chick. Nope…that wasn’t it at all. I’m actually okay with not being skinny. I just want to feel better and be healthier. I was giving them the stink eye because it was hot as hell in the gym. Which one of you assholes messed with the air conditioner? They are all young so they were getting the momma stare down. No one confessed their sins so I carried on to the dreaded treadmill. There are a couple of people running on the other treadmills and these guys lifting weights behind me. You can see your reflection everywhere so you know when someone is looking at you. Of course they are looking at the fat chick sweating her face off walking slow motion on the treadmill. I carry on because I’m telling myself I don’t care. They don’t know me and they can think what they want. At least I’m there and putting forth the effort. I finish the killer 5 minute runs and take my sweaty ass home. I make my way to the restroom and that is when I realize why they were staring at me. I don’t normally look in the mirror but sometimes I catch a glimpse. You can see thru my damn shirt!! The sweat just made it that much better. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ I’m thinking I need to go back and collect some cash from those people for the show I just put on. Damn the luck. I guess I need to slow down and look at myself more often. I shouldn’t assume things are one way when clearly it can be something totally different. ๐Ÿคช

Day 5, 6, 7? ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿป

Yes it’s sad but true. I’ve lost track of the number of days and it’s only been a week….I think. There was no workout on day 5 or 6. Unfortunately I allowed work to take over my life. I had good intentions. I packed my bag but just didn’t see it thru. I was determined to finish the first round of the 2019 budget and I’m happy to report that I did. Now I just have to brace for the changes. Those will need to be completed this week. Day 7…I’m guessing that was today. I didn’t work out but I also decided to take the day off from work too. I haven’t had a day off since my son left so I need this one. I needed to do laundry and go shopping. The plan is to take my lunch at least a couple of days and to attempt to avoid Starbucks. We will see how that works out. I also finally got a haircut. I’m ashamed to say it has been a year since the last one. It is funny how much you ignore when you don’t look in the mirror. I was totally okay with ignoring the full beard, unibrow, mustache and bad hair until I saw it. It was a serious situation. I’m pretty sure I had a handlebar mustache. I can’t wait to see if the laser hair removal thing works. I need it to work because clearly I’m okay with looking crazy. This week didn’t go as I had planned or hoped but I did manage to learn and accomplish some things. Next week I will attempt to be awesome again. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

Day 2 rollercoaster

How is it possible to feel so many different emotions within minutes? I realize that may sound a little crazy. When I started my walk I was proud that I was actually doing it. Another day without excuses. There was a sense of freedom too. I’m not currently wearing a Fitbit so I’m not tracking my steps and neither is anyone else that I’m connected to. I haven’t even weighed myself. Part of me didn’t want to get caught up in how many pounds I lost. I just want to feel better. Then fear starts to set in. I keep thinking about each step and whether or not I will fall down. I start to watch my feet as I walk. My previously injured foot started to hurt because I’m walking in an awkward way. I keep obsessing on which way my foot is rolling and if I’m messing my foot up. As I’m looking down I notice my large stomach. Disgust sinks in and then I start to beat myself up about the way I look. What am I doing? Is this walk really going to make a difference? The crazy just keeps going for almost the entire time. I then start thinking about the weather and how extremely hot it is outside. I’m determined to finish what I started. Then I breathe in a big sign of relief when I see my car. Yes! Celebration occurs because I’ve made it to the finish line. Does anyone else do this? It’s like a crazy rollercoaster that I can’t escape. Hopefully as I continue to walk I will start to feel better. I would assume if you feel better then you are more likely to have positive thoughts. ๐Ÿคทโ€โ™€๏ธ

Superpowers

Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps Iโ€™m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally donโ€™t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.

Random thoughts

It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.

Progress!

Yesterday I had my follow up appointment with my doctor. Guess who lost 6 pounds since their last appointment?!? That’s right…this chick. It looks like my little bit of gym time is paying off. I started Weight Watchers a few days ago as well. I suck at eating the right thing but hopefully this points thing will help me. So far I’m obsessed with not exceeding my points. It’s a struggle but if I can keep up with it then I know I will see positive results. Next on the list is the yoga class. I’m hoping that with my gym time, Weight Watchers, yoga and DietBets I can finally win this weight battle. Either way, I’m enjoying the process this time.