It’s been a while since my last confession/blog. I guess I have just been avoiding myself. Most people quit their job and move to a different state because they are running from something. I did it to attempt to run to something. There is so much trauma in my past and I’ve done an excellent job with packing each event in a box and sealing it up. Leakage has occurred thru the years. The past has influenced how I live my life. I told myself that thing was over and done with but it’s not. It was never dealt with. There was no forgiveness, healing, anger or any other emotion. I simply survived it and moved on. I knew I needed to make changes. I knew boxes needed to be unpacked or I would never be free. I thought that I would find people to open up to and work thru things with at church. It seems like I keep hitting walls instead. They have different groups you can join. I actually joined a few in an effort to find my tribe. Today I met with someone that leads the abortion group. I’m apparently the only person that joined the group which just feeds my insecurities. The leader jumped right in to ask me about my experience. Ma’am…do you want to know my name, how I’m doing today or any basic thing first? I told her I had an abortion when I was 15 and there wasn’t enough time to tell her about all the things that occurred to bring me to that point. My life has not been normal or at least I pray it isn’t the norm. This group just wants to talk about the abortion but nothing else. I get it but that’s not what I need. I was already emotionally dead before the abortion. I was completely numb and going thru the motions when it happened. I made an adult decision as a child. It seemed like the best decision at the time. Do I regret it? I honestly don’t know. I regret being in the position to have to make that decision. Would I do it again? I don’t know. You never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. It is heartbreaking to know that I killed someone. Not just someone…my child. The amount of shame and loneliness that you feel in that moment is indescribable. You may not process it right away. It may take years but it will catch up to you. What happens then? I can tell you every single person I start to have a conversation with refers me to counseling. I know they are right but this little voice just reminds me how I’m too much, too damaged, alone and not worthy. I also know those are lies but it is so hard to escape them. So…I’m going to throw some extra duct tape on that abortion box and put it back on the shelf. I need to start from the beginning and work my way thru the boxes. Maybe I will eventually look into counseling. Someone should say a prayer for that person. They have no idea what they are about to experience.
So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!
Isn’t it crazy how the closer it gets to the end of the year, we can’t wait for it to be over? We are convinced it was the worst year ever and are super dramatic about it. We may even throw ourselves on the floor. We instantly forget all of the good things that happened throughout the whole year. I’m totally guilty of doing all of that. Saying goodbye to 2019 is a little different than previous years. I feel like this time I’m actually closing out the last chapter of my first book. I’m hoping that all the pain and craziness in the first book was all build up for an extremely happy ending in the second book. What? A girl can dream. 🤷♀️ I’m excited about 2020! At this moment it feels like anything is possible and big changes will occur. It almost feels like you just bought a lottery ticket and are convinced you are going to win. You even start planning out what you will do with the money. That’s how I’m looking at 2020. I may dye my hair a crazy color, create a dating profile, run with the bulls, zip line, find baby Yoda, start a doggie daycare, get a tattoo, write a book or skydive. There are endless possibilities. The question is will I allow myself to do anything? Will I get out of my own way and really live my best life? God I hope so! Happy New Year everyone!
You usually regret these once you are sober. You say things that perhaps you wish you had not. Some believe the truth comes out when you are drunk but sometimes it is just pure crazy that happens. I say all of that to say that my last blog was my drunk text. No I wasn’t drunk. The truth is I didn’t have a single drink. It was late at night and I was lost in my brain. It’s a battle that I keep losing but at least I’m still fighting the fight. I regretted the post shortly after it was published. I tried to hide it but when someone contacted me this morning I realized it didn’t exactly work. 🤦🏼♀️ Then I decided to open it back up since the damage was already done. Maybe it can help someone in some way. Depression is real and you are not alone. Maybe it generates conversations about my crazy. Hopefully that opens someone’s eyes to see that person next to them that may not be okay. Life is tough and it doesn’t always go how we want it to. I have to believe there is a reason for everything and God will carry me thru this like he has everything else in my life.
There were people that thought I was completely insane for leaving my job without having another job or even a destination. I’ve been asked if I won the lottery or if I’m dying. Just for the record people…we are all dying. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m not trying to plan it either. It may not make sense to the majority but this is how I’m choosing to live my life. I’ve spent the last 21 years working way too many hours. I had convinced myself that I was making a difference. I’ve come to realize that I was just another body in a seat. I was too overwhelmed to make connections with people or truly make a difference. I thought I would be missed but that isn’t the case. People and jobs move on. You are replaced with the next person and forgotten. I don’t want to say that I regretted my time there. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the things that we go thru in life shapes us into the people that we are. I would like to believe I’m not a horrible person. I’ve made poor choices along the way. It was definitely not the smartest decision to stay as long as I did. I pray that the next phase of my life is more fulfilling. I want to know what my purpose and passion is. I want to know that I’m making a difference even if it is only with one person. I don’t want to just exist any longer. I want to feel like I’m living. Life is too short to continue to settle for anything else. Sometimes you just have to step out on faith and let the pieces fall where they may.
Do you ever wonder how you got to a certain point? I’m not sure what’s going on with me if I’m being honest. I’m not sad or happy. I’m just here. I woke up this morning with zero desire to go to the gym. I went anyway and once there didn’t really want to get out of the car. I forced myself to get out and go inside. I guess I was hoping once I got going everything would be okay. After 30 minutes on the treadmill and 30 minutes on the bike, I left. I literally have no desire to do anything. It’s not that I’m depressed and want to curl up in bed. I’m just existing if that makes any sense. I’m hoping once I relocate everything will fall into place. Maybe I’m just feeling this way because I’m not working. It’s sad but maybe without work I have no purpose. There has to be more to life but I’m not sure how to figure that out. Perhaps I will explore a little more once we get settled. Either way something has to happen because this numbness is not okay.
I guess I should start from the beginning. I weighed myself this morning and I’m officially down 19 pounds after 4 weeks of being on keto and going to the gym. I was feeling all confident and positive when I got to the gym this morning. I lost more weight and I was awesome with that whole 15 minute drama yesterday. I stopped at the front desk so I could schedule time with someone to show me the ropes with the weights. I throw my stuff in the locker and head for the treadmill. My favorite treadmill is open. Best day ever! I open the couch to 10K app and may have gasped out loud, shed a tear or something else super dramatic. What in the entire hell is going on? They jumped to 20 minutes of walking faster/running. 😳 What happened to 16, 17, 18, and 19 minutes? You are just going to skip them like the don’t exist? They have feelings too. 🤷♀️ There is only a 5 minute warmup and 5 minute cool down with the 20 minute run in the middle. Seriously?!? I may have had a moment on the treadmill. Suck it up buttercup and get moving so you can get to the pool. I’m not going to lie…it was the longest 20 minutes of my life. I was okay I guess until the 17 minute mark. I was ready to wave the white flag at that point. I had to keep telling myself there was only 3 minutes left. You can totally do this. I’m pretty sure time stood still or moved a lot slower than it needed to. After what felt like an eternity, I finished the workout. 🙌 Next I was off to change for water aerobics. Class was interesting today. There was no instructor so there was a lot of people trying to lead. 🤦🏼♀️ Ladies…just stop or I will be forced to ignore your crazy. I tried to be nice but my face was doing something else. They are sweet, old ladies but grabbing my ankle and stretching is not the workout I was looking for. After class I noticed I missed a call. Apparently the weights appointment I just scheduled needs to be rescheduled. I stop by the desk on the way out and take care of it. I asked the lady if I needed to bring anything with me. She hands me a piece of paper with the details. I glance at it when I get in the car. Ummm….tell me why the show me how to do these weights thing turned into a damn fitness test. That’s right…a fitness test. I just escaped 300 pounds. I can assure you the last thing I want to do is a fitness test. You have now forced me to eat my feelings. I shared a yummy but sinful dessert after dinner. 😬 I’ve been so good with the 20 net carbs but today I ended with 100. 😢 I can pretend I earned it but that isn’t what I should be doing. I’m worried what this means for the keto life. Am I no longer in ketosis? Is my tummy going to hate me? Oh that will just be perfect to have bubble guts while trying to do that lovely fitness test. 😤 Today isn’t my friend so I’m going to bed. I guess I will deal with the consequences tomorrow.