It’s been a while since my last confession/blog. I guess I have just been avoiding myself. Most people quit their job and move to a different state because they are running from something. I did it to attempt to run to something. There is so much trauma in my past and I’ve done an excellent job with packing each event in a box and sealing it up. Leakage has occurred thru the years. The past has influenced how I live my life. I told myself that thing was over and done with but it’s not. It was never dealt with. There was no forgiveness, healing, anger or any other emotion. I simply survived it and moved on. I knew I needed to make changes. I knew boxes needed to be unpacked or I would never be free. I thought that I would find people to open up to and work thru things with at church. It seems like I keep hitting walls instead. They have different groups you can join. I actually joined a few in an effort to find my tribe. Today I met with someone that leads the abortion group. I’m apparently the only person that joined the group which just feeds my insecurities. The leader jumped right in to ask me about my experience. Ma’am…do you want to know my name, how I’m doing today or any basic thing first? I told her I had an abortion when I was 15 and there wasn’t enough time to tell her about all the things that occurred to bring me to that point. My life has not been normal or at least I pray it isn’t the norm. This group just wants to talk about the abortion but nothing else. I get it but that’s not what I need. I was already emotionally dead before the abortion. I was completely numb and going thru the motions when it happened. I made an adult decision as a child. It seemed like the best decision at the time. Do I regret it? I honestly don’t know. I regret being in the position to have to make that decision. Would I do it again? I don’t know. You never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. It is heartbreaking to know that I killed someone. Not just someone…my child. The amount of shame and loneliness that you feel in that moment is indescribable. You may not process it right away. It may take years but it will catch up to you. What happens then? I can tell you every single person I start to have a conversation with refers me to counseling. I know they are right but this little voice just reminds me how I’m too much, too damaged, alone and not worthy. I also know those are lies but it is so hard to escape them. So…I’m going to throw some extra duct tape on that abortion box and put it back on the shelf. I need to start from the beginning and work my way thru the boxes. Maybe I will eventually look into counseling. Someone should say a prayer for that person. They have no idea what they are about to experience.
So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!
You usually regret these once you are sober. You say things that perhaps you wish you had not. Some believe the truth comes out when you are drunk but sometimes it is just pure crazy that happens. I say all of that to say that my last blog was my drunk text. No I wasn’t drunk. The truth is I didn’t have a single drink. It was late at night and I was lost in my brain. It’s a battle that I keep losing but at least I’m still fighting the fight. I regretted the post shortly after it was published. I tried to hide it but when someone contacted me this morning I realized it didn’t exactly work. 🤦🏼♀️ Then I decided to open it back up since the damage was already done. Maybe it can help someone in some way. Depression is real and you are not alone. Maybe it generates conversations about my crazy. Hopefully that opens someone’s eyes to see that person next to them that may not be okay. Life is tough and it doesn’t always go how we want it to. I have to believe there is a reason for everything and God will carry me thru this like he has everything else in my life.
Obviously I’ve been avoiding this whole blog thing. It’s my space to vent or just express my thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to do that when you know some of the people that may be reading it. I never want to be that person that is a burden to others. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or think less of me because of something I’ve written. It is literally how I feel at that moment and I could feel totally different five minutes later. I had a vision of how I wanted things to be and it hasn’t turned out that way. Sometimes you just want people to see or hear about the good things so they don’t worry or judge you. The ugly truth is that I’m not okay. I honestly haven’t been for a long time. I thought once I escaped my job that things would improve. I would finally take care of me and enjoy life. The truth is it just gave me more time to think and almost all of it is negative self talk. I left a job that I worked at for over 20 years and didn’t really develop relationships. I can count on one hand the people that have reached out. Clearly I didn’t have a positive impact on anyone. I went thru the motions and remained detached. Then it turns into thoughts of no one wanting to be around me. What do I bring to the table? I’m just this weird chick that worked way too much so I don’t have any hobbies or anything to talk about. I’m better off alone. I started applying for lots of different jobs. I’ve been trying to avoid doing what I did in my previous job. I’m striking out left and right. I get it…no college degree and trying to get a job in an area I have no experience. Needless to say it’s depressing and really does a number on your self esteem. I tried to volunteer at the church and a homeless shelter. Neither of them wanted me. I mean you must be a horrible person with the plague if the homeless shelter doesn’t want your help. They eventually called back but the damage was already done by the time that occurred. Most of my days are spent in my bed or on the couch watching Netflix, applying for jobs and moving the not qualified emails out of my inbox. My poor dog is rarely taken outside. Don’t worry…he is puppy pad trained. Yes I understand I’m a horrible person for that. I try to pretend it’s okay because he gets plenty of exercise the couple of days a week he goes to daycare. Yes I realize that is wrong too. I feel like I’m so far deep in this dark hole that it is impossible to pull myself out. I know that isn’t true but I think years of baggage is catching up to me. The self hate tornado is out of control. One small thing can bring up years of reminders of why I am not worthy of anything. The more that I write the less I think of myself. I’m sure you are thinking the same thing. It’s okay….remember it’s just this moment in time. I will be okay. I just need to figure out how to get there.
There were people that thought I was completely insane for leaving my job without having another job or even a destination. I’ve been asked if I won the lottery or if I’m dying. Just for the record people…we are all dying. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m not trying to plan it either. It may not make sense to the majority but this is how I’m choosing to live my life. I’ve spent the last 21 years working way too many hours. I had convinced myself that I was making a difference. I’ve come to realize that I was just another body in a seat. I was too overwhelmed to make connections with people or truly make a difference. I thought I would be missed but that isn’t the case. People and jobs move on. You are replaced with the next person and forgotten. I don’t want to say that I regretted my time there. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the things that we go thru in life shapes us into the people that we are. I would like to believe I’m not a horrible person. I’ve made poor choices along the way. It was definitely not the smartest decision to stay as long as I did. I pray that the next phase of my life is more fulfilling. I want to know what my purpose and passion is. I want to know that I’m making a difference even if it is only with one person. I don’t want to just exist any longer. I want to feel like I’m living. Life is too short to continue to settle for anything else. Sometimes you just have to step out on faith and let the pieces fall where they may.
I made it to the gym without throwing a tantrum today. I count that as a total win! I hit the treadmill for another day of couch to 10K. It is supposed to be 3 days a week but I decided to do 6 days a week instead. Not a big deal until you lose track of days and end up doing tomorrow’s workout today. 🤦🏼♀️ How hard is it? It gives you the week and the day. How can you possibly screw that up? Well…I did it. So…I guess I will do tomorrow’s workout tomorrow again. 🤷♀️ I suppose it doesn’t really matter as long as I’m doing something. One of my lady friends told me she works out before doing water aerobics. She said she thinks the water lowers the odds of her being sore. I’m going to consider her wise so I’ve been doing the same thing. Today was water therapy which is like yoga in the warm water. It’s slow moving but I like it. As I was changing to go to the pool I heard someone being negative in the locker room. Gym people are normally cheerful so I was shocked. I’ve trained my neck to view all details of an accident while driving by. It’s a skill that some crazy people don’t possess. You know I had to stretch my neck around the corner to see who the negative culprit was. I was all prepared to give them the stink eye. Not in here satan. Then I realized it was the instructor for the class. 😮 My initial reaction was great…this is going to be a super class today. Insert all kind of sarcasm here. Her negativity continued on into the pool. There I was miss judgie (yes I get that isn’t a word and the spelling is way off if it is) knowing I’ve been in her shoes. It’s true people don’t want to be around negative people. Do you remove yourself from them? Doesn’t it make sense to learn more and see if you can be a light in their day. You could be that one person that turns it around for them and not even realize it. People are negative for a reason. In my case I felt as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. It was smothering me and I felt no one cared that I couldn’t breathe and was dying. It was like people just assumed that was who I was. Maybe they didn’t realize the amount of stress or how overwhelming it all was for me. Either way…I was curious why this woman was sinking in the negativity hole. What is she dealing with right now? My thoughts were interrupted by two other ladies in the class. They asked me to join them for lunch. Look at me making friends. 😉 I changed and started driving to the restaurant. The whole way there I’m thinking about the instructor. Maybe I can bring her a gift to the next class or ask her to lunch to see if she opens up. Maybe she is lonely. Yes…a thousand more thoughts and questions. I walked inside the restaurant and the instructor joined us for lunch too! I had no idea but wow! Guess what…she isn’t a jerk. She has a 38 year old daughter with special needs. She has been having a really difficult time lately with moving and her daughters health. She shared quite a bit and I hope she found some relief with being able to vent. The ladies laughed and I’m pretty sure one thinks meth is the reason everything bad happens. It’s funny the things you hear when you stop to listen. I feel like I’ve had so many conversations that I really wasn’t present in. I’m sure that makes no sense. I was present today though. I may have been invited because they were curious about my current situation or maybe they love this big girl winning personality. I’m going with option two because one sounds negative. 😁 Just be kind…you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
For a few years this has been my outlet. I would share my thoughts as if I was writing in a diary. It has been open to the public the whole time but only a couple people knew it belonged to me. I guess in my own strange way I thought maybe I could help someone that happened to come across it. We all ride our own emotional rollercoaster. We set goals and sometimes we reach them and other times we fail. We all have crazy thoughts and are curious about weird things. We all have a past that has led us to where we are now. Perhaps the majority don’t share and keep all their secrets hidden away. Maybe there is fear of judgment. Goodness knows that has been going thru my head all day. I’m human and my mind can lead me down some serious rabbit holes. What will they think? What will they say? I don’t even remember some of the things I blogged about. 😬 I can tell you the Caitlyn Jenner one may be one of my favorite. I couldn’t help it…I was curious. Just in case you are wondering I never found out the answers so if you know, please share. 🙏🏻 Anyway…I suppose there is something freeing about being naked. You are exposed. There are no secrets. Anything negative someone may think of me, I can assure you I’ve already thought of it myself. I’ve probably tortured myself for years with it if I’m being honest. So…start in the beginning, the middle or the end. Enjoy, laugh, cry or call me crazy. I’m okay with nakedness. 😉🙈