Determined to have a better day then the day before I decided to venture out. It was actually a decent day until last night. I haven’t been to the movies with the kiddos in forever. Like most normal people they like seats that are higher up in the theater. I like to stay super low to avoid the stairs. Last night we kind of met in the middle…a little high but not all the way to the top. The movie was okay but I’m pretty sure I provided the most memorable moment for everyone. As we are walking down the stairs I apparently thought it would be quicker to just fall down them. It was like my legs were cement and I couldn’t lift them properly. I guess that was one of my awesome superpowers kicking in. I wonder why my invisible power didn’t kick in too so no one would see all of my awesomeness. I used to bounce up quickly after falling but this was slow motion. I twisted my ankle and my legs went backwards. There I was a giant taco on the steps. I should have stood at the door to collect money from everyone for the show I put on. You are welcome people. Hopefully my big behind doesn’t show up on YouTube or as a meme. It’s amazing how many people just stared. Oh well…such is life. So today I have rug burns, a twisted left ankle and bum right knee. Life is too amazing for words. I suppose I should hold on the the fact that I can still walk regardless how odd I look doing it right now. 🖕🏻stairs. They are the devil. I guess I need to start looking into life alert.
Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps I’m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally don’t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.
Apparently being invisible is the superpower I have chosen for myself. I sometimes feel that I am so I guess the title is fitting. It has been a long time since my last confession on here. It’s funny how the last post was about me not putting myself on my list. I’m pretty sure I have brought a whole new meaning to falling off of the wagon. Hmmm…let’s play catch up for a moment shall we? It looks like my last post was from May. Definitely a busy time at work. I kept telling myself that after the summer I would start fresh and focus on me. I took a trip to see a friend in August and of course my clumsy butt falls down. Back in the boot I go for a couple of months. Out of the boot I am determined again to be awesome. Eat right, work out and do the right thing. I joined a DietBet and a StepBet. I won both and then did what I normally do. I became super lazy. Heck I even stopped wearing my Fitbit completely. It’s out of sight in a drawer so that I can keep using the excuse that I forgot to charge it. Clearly it takes more than 21 days for me to develop a habit. Apparently I like completing tasks and then quitting life. I’m honestly not sure what I weigh at this moment but I know it is over 300 pounds and almost positive it is a number I have never seen on the scale before. No I haven’t had to buy new clothes. I bought them big enough the first time so I have plenty of room to expand I guess. Well except now I’m not even close to comfortable. Small tasks like tying my shoes is annoying. It sometimes feels like a workout. I wish I was lying about that but unfortunately it is the honest truth. This feels horrible. I look like a pregnant woman and act like I’m about to go into labor any moment. This is not where I wanted to be. I’m turning 40 next month. I really wanted to be under 200 pounds by this point. I had big plans of spending my birthday in Europe. As usual I continue to sabotage myself. I decided that it didn’t make sense to take the trip like this. I don’t want to be embarrassed if I’m forced to buy two seats on the plane. I don’t want to get to Europe and not be in shape to explore and enjoy it. In an effort to get going again I joined another DietBet. It is scheduled to start on 1/1. I won’t be where I want to be before my birthday but maybe I will be at some point in my 40th year. No I don’t think I can lose over 100 pounds in a year but I can get closer to 200 than 300. I finally decided to step out of my comfort zone and attempt to hire a trainer. I booked a free consultation with someone and unfortunately they didn’t show. I must admit that this was a punch to the gut. I immediately felt rejected and like it wasn’t meant to be. I could sit here all night writing the thousand of negative thoughts about myself that crossed my mind. A huge part of me wanted to cry and give up. There was that small part of me that was still fighting. I began to tell myself that perhaps there was just a mix-up with the times. Hopefully she will call or email me back and we can meet again. If not…there are other trainers. It’s not the end of the world. Even if I can’t get another trainer I can still go to the gym. Either I’m going to do this or I’m not. My physical demons are big but my mental demons are enormous. One small obstacle cannot have that much power over my health. There are too many young people dying. I’ve spent 39 years fighting for survival. I want to spend my future living life to the fullest being the healthiest version of me. I want to be healthy outside but more importantly on the inside. I don’t want to feel invisible any longer. That superpower sucks anyway. 🙂