Battle of the mind

So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!

Faith

There were people that thought I was completely insane for leaving my job without having another job or even a destination. I’ve been asked if I won the lottery or if I’m dying. Just for the record people…we are all dying. I don’t know what the future holds for me. I’m not trying to plan it either. It may not make sense to the majority but this is how I’m choosing to live my life. I’ve spent the last 21 years working way too many hours. I had convinced myself that I was making a difference. I’ve come to realize that I was just another body in a seat. I was too overwhelmed to make connections with people or truly make a difference. I thought I would be missed but that isn’t the case. People and jobs move on. You are replaced with the next person and forgotten. I don’t want to say that I regretted my time there. I believe that everything happens for a reason and the things that we go thru in life shapes us into the people that we are. I would like to believe I’m not a horrible person. I’ve made poor choices along the way. It was definitely not the smartest decision to stay as long as I did. I pray that the next phase of my life is more fulfilling. I want to know what my purpose and passion is. I want to know that I’m making a difference even if it is only with one person. I don’t want to just exist any longer. I want to feel like I’m living. Life is too short to continue to settle for anything else. Sometimes you just have to step out on faith and let the pieces fall where they may.

Is this impossible?

I’m ashamed of how many times I have asked myself that question. I’ve been using this couch to 10K app to help get me moving. I’m not actually running while doing it so I’m not sure if I will reach the 10K distance by the time I finish the app or not. I’ve been walking and then walking a little faster on the run parts. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have cursed the creators of the app and their moms. The idea is to walk for so many minutes and then run for so many minutes. Each day the run minutes increase. By week 5 they start skipping numbers. You go from running 6 minutes to running 8. Week 6 you jump to running 10 minutes. Today was day 3 of week 6 and can you believe they jumped to 15 minutes of running? Ma’am/Sir…what the hell happened to 7, 9, and the very important 11, 12, 13, and 14? Is this a torture technique? I looked ahead last night so I knew today would include the 15 minute run. That was my first mistake. The really sad part is this isn’t my first time using this app. Clearly this crazy had slipped my mind. Anyway, I didn’t sleep well so I was prepared to sleep in and perhaps not do the couch to 10K today. I’m pretty sure God was pointing at me and laughing when I woke up early. What other excuse can I come up with? My knees have been killing me. Maybe I should take another rest day or just go to the swim class. The 15 minutes just seems impossible for me. Then I was reminded of what a dear friend has been telling me. Celebrate every victory. You may not be where you think you should be but you are making progress. It’s better than where you were a month ago. I rolled out of bed and headed to the gym. I will admit I was still worried about the 15 minutes. I told myself I would do what I can do. I’m in control of the treadmill so if I need to lower the speed before the 15 then I can do that. The goal was to go for as long as I could at the higher speed. I tried really hard to not watch the minutes on the app. That didn’t really work out. I looked down several times but instead of dreading how many minutes I had left, I cheered myself on for how many had already passed. If I’m being honest, I could have gone longer than the 15 minutes at the higher speed. I’m not sure how much longer but I’m excited to find out. It’s only impossible if I don’t try. šŸ¤—

Struggle bus

It has officially been 2 weeks since I’ve started the keto diet. I weighed myself this morning and I’ve now lost a total of 13.2 pounds. My logical brain knows that is a lot and I should be happy. I am happy I guess. I need to understand where I lost it though. My double chin is still on full display. My clothes still fit the same. My feet haven’t shrunk. I honestly don’t feel any different. Okay that may not be totally true. I have some moments on the treadmill where I notice a difference. As far as how I feel though, I’m pretty much in the same spot I think. Then I start to tell myself I should have lost more. Is that really enough weight loss for someone my size? Am I doing enough? Do I need to work out more than I am? Should I do something different with the diet? Maybe I’m just being crazy. I guess it’s just hard to know if I’m doing the right thing or seeing the results I should be. In the mean time…I guess I will keep pushing and hope I feel the difference soon. šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø

Iā€™m fat because…

I should probably start by saying that I don’t listen to music in my car or while working out. It’s my thinking time. I do a lot of self evaluating so you have been warned. As I was walking on the treadmill I started thinking of all the reasons that people say they are fat. I like to eat. I had kids. I don’t have time. This or that hurts. I don’t believe in diets. The list is so long and overwhelming that I can’t even name them all. I’m fat because I chose to be. I honestly believe it was a choice. I made the decision to never choose me. My childhood was filled with mental, physical and sexual abuse. I was on my own early in life. It taught me to be tough and how to survive. All of the other stuff taught me that I was not important, loved or worthy. No one wanted or cared about me so why would I care about myself? I simply just tried to survive whatever life threw at me. That carried over into adulthood. Work, do the right thing, take care of the kids and get to the next day. I never even saw myself getting bigger. Part of that I’m sure is because I avoided mirrors. Once you gain a little weight you buy big clothes. You keep gaining and the clothes still fit. If you don’t pay attention to yourself then you never even notice what is happening. As my best friend Dr. Phil says…you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. I’m not sure how to convince my 42 year old self that I’m worth it but I’m working on it. I’m attempting to put me first now. It’s not easy if I’m being honest. I’m trying my best not to sabotage myself but the mind is a tricky place. My self hate game is on another level than most. I may not have had the best childhood but at some point I have to take responsibility for my life. I chose to be fat and now I choose to become a healthier me both mentally and physically.

Now Iā€™m naked

For a few years this has been my outlet. I would share my thoughts as if I was writing in a diary. It has been open to the public the whole time but only a couple people knew it belonged to me. I guess in my own strange way I thought maybe I could help someone that happened to come across it. We all ride our own emotional rollercoaster. We set goals and sometimes we reach them and other times we fail. We all have crazy thoughts and are curious about weird things. We all have a past that has led us to where we are now. Perhaps the majority don’t share and keep all their secrets hidden away. Maybe there is fear of judgment. Goodness knows that has been going thru my head all day. I’m human and my mind can lead me down some serious rabbit holes. What will they think? What will they say? I don’t even remember some of the things I blogged about. šŸ˜¬ I can tell you the Caitlyn Jenner one may be one of my favorite. I couldn’t help it…I was curious. Just in case you are wondering I never found out the answers so if you know, please share. šŸ™šŸ» Anyway…I suppose there is something freeing about being naked. You are exposed. There are no secrets. Anything negative someone may think of me, I can assure you I’ve already thought of it myself. I’ve probably tortured myself for years with it if I’m being honest. So…start in the beginning, the middle or the end. Enjoy, laugh, cry or call me crazy. I’m okay with nakedness. šŸ˜‰šŸ™ˆ

Excuse or fate?

Yesterday was my first Monday in 21 years of being unemployed. I tried to be strategic and keep myself occupied. I unpacked and straightened up my temporary room. Next I knew in order to work on myself physical, I needed to find a gym. I wanted one with a pool so I could try water aerobics since my knees hate me. That requirement narrowed my choices down to two. The first one was old, smelly and expensive. It also had 5000 stairs going different directions. I would get lost in that gym. šŸ˜¬ The second gym was newer, didn’t smell funny and cost way less than the first one. It’s layout was all one level which means no stairs for these bad knees. šŸ™šŸ» They also had this really cool machine that scans your body. It list your weight, fat percentages and different measurements. Just for the record, I weigh 306 pounds. šŸ˜® Yeah I’m not shocked. I’m determined to escape the 300 club in two weeks. šŸ¤žI left there determined to be awesome today. I got a list of the different classes and tried to map out my week. I was super excited about attending my first group class today. It was an Aqua Intervals class where you are in the pool and you use dumbbells. I’m not sure what else is involved because I missed the class. šŸ˜” Believe it or not my friends apartment flooded. Yep…what are the odds? Needless to say she called out of work and I stayed home to help her. I was also worried about leaving my puppy with all of the workers coming in and out constantly. She was frustrated and had every right to be. I didn’t want to add something else to her plate. I was really trying to be a good friend and mom to my puppy. So…am I that person that made up excuses not to go or was it fate keeping me from the gym? Either way I plan to be awesome tomorrow. There is a body attack class in the morning that I’m scared shitless to take. After that they have a water therapy class. I’m hoping I will be okay to do both classes. There is a third class I would like to take that afternoon but I’m not sure if I will make it or not. Regardless, I’ve joined a gym and started a “diet”. I’m trying to follow Keto to a certain degree. I’ve been keeping track of my food intake and I’m definitely not eating enough. I think we are going to shop again this weekend and do some meal prepping to make things easier. I’ve also ordered protein powder so I can start making my breakfast smoothies. Hopefully all of these pieces of the puzzle come together and I start to see a difference soon. A girl can dream. šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø The alarm is set and we will see what tomorrow brings.