But did you die?

All I could think about on the way to the gym was this meme. It hasn’t been a week of working out yet but my body was sore. I told the trainer this morning that parts of my body that I never thought could hurt were hurting. She was smiling at me as I tried to point at different parts of my body asking what was there. I’m not sure why I was asking. It’s not like I have some mysterious muscle that no one else on the planet has. I don’t even remember what she said it was. I was too busy focusing on the soreness. She of course then introduced me to the rolling stick. This little magical thing was a slice of heaven. Apparently it helps with cellulite too so it’s good to do it even when you are not sore. Who knew? That thing should be my bff. I need to roll everyday all day. They see me rollin. Sorry I couldn’t resist. 😂 Anyway….I continue to learn so much from the training. I’m so glad I did it. I would have never had the confidence to do some of these things on my own. The gym was just a scary place before where I would get on the treadmill and then leave. There are so many other things to do that I know will help me in my weighloss journey. I actually punched a bag today. Never in a million years did I see myself doing that and I especially didn’t think I would like it. It was totally fun! I’m convinced the kettle bells are the devil though. Oh and they may be buried deep but I have abs. They were screaming today. I could go on and on but the short version is I’m so happy that I overcame my fear and signed up for the gym. Now if I can just overcome the mirror fear then my gym life will be awesome. Baby steps…I’m still alive to figure it out. 😊

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I’ve been neglected, molested, beaten, starved, left homeless and raped. All of this before the age of 18. I am obese, have low self esteem and self worth. I’m not afraid to strip myself down to try to become a better person. My scars, stretch marks, imperfections and challenges have all shaped me into the person that I am today. Everyone has a story and a past. Life will punch you in the face multiple times. I know my weaknesses but I also know my strengths. Things will happen. It’s all about how you react after getting punched. Two things have gotten me thru my craziness…hope and I’m a hell of a fighter. I decided a long time ago that I would not be a victim. I may not be able to control what happens in my life but I can control how I react to it. I have my pity party moments. I get tired and at times stop fighting. I try not to stay down in the funk long though. It’s a giant trap that you can lose yourself to if you don’t pull it together. I have been in the funk for longer than I would like here lately. My feet hurt, my body aches and after staring in a mirror for quite some time I realized I now have the hotdog bun neck. When did I stop fighting for me? What have I been fighting for all of these years? Perhaps I’ve been fighting this crazy mental battle but the physical has been lost. My body is proof of that. I’ve tried a thousand things. Some have worked but it didn’t matter because I didn’t have the discipline to stick with it. I’m not sure what my next steps will be but I know it won’t be quitting. It will be tough but I will fight and win this battle. 

Something different

I spend a lot of time talking about things that I dislike about myself. The list is long so it is easy for me to get stuck in the chaos. The negativity can be overwhelming and just leads to a deeper pit of depression. So…tonight I want to try something different. How many positive things can I come up with? 😬 This is tough for me but I want to try. 

  1. Hard working 
  2. Honest
  3. Loyal
  4. Best mom ever! Okay maybe not the best but pretty darn good. 

Okay maybe I should attempt something physical. 😳

  1. Eyes…I like my eye color. 
  2. Dimples…need to smile more so they can be seen 😉

Sorry…I think that’s the end of the list. It’s taking way too long and I’m falling asleep trying to think of more. One day I hope to see myself in a better light. 

How low can you go? 

Apparently I’m determined to find out the answer to that question. One of my friends asked me to go to Universal Studios with her. Initially I thought this will be a perfect time to just be alone in the hotel while her and her child plays at the park. Nothing in me wanted to go to the park. I’m obese and the idea of spending 13 hours walking around did not sound appealing to me. Of course the other negative thought was about the rides. Would I be able to ride anything? It didn’t take me long to determine staying at the hotel was my best bet. That of course was before I gave myself a pep talk about getting out of my funk and how I needed to socialize. Plus I was feeling guilty about ruining my friends trip. So I decided to suck it up and buy tickets. I was going to smile and have a great time. We had a blast on the first ride. I may have made the right decision. Well that was what I was thinking until the 2nd ride. After making our way thru the longest line known to man I was stopped right before getting on the 2nd ride. The person working asked me if I had tried the seat tester. I asked him if he was serious. He said yes I needed to do it to make sure I could fit. I was devastated. It was so embarrassing. I decided against testing the seat and simply removed myself from the line. At that moment I became the bag and sweater holder. I would not attempt another ride. All I can think about now is flying in a plane. I’m going to be that person that they make buy two seats. How much more will I torture myself before I change? I’m not going to say that I’ve given up but I’m definitely tired of fighting. There isn’t anything that anyone can tell me that I haven’t told myself. I know the positive quotes….the words of wisdom. I know I’m in control of my thoughts. I know all of this is my fault. I know I’m the only person that can change it. The truth is I just don’t have the energy at the moment. Until the glorious day that I do, I will just stay in this depressing, insecure funk. I don’t want to talk to anyone and if I’m being honest I just want to be left alone. I know I can and will work thru this. It’s just taking me longer this time. Ultimately I won’t let this defeat me. This won’t be that thing. I will eventually rise again but today I surrender. 

Judgements

As I started to go thru the routine of getting for work I couldn’t get this one thought out of my head. Please understand that I call myself fat because I know that I am. By no means do I think it is acceptable for people to insult other people. My story is not your story and your story is not mine. Everyone faces their own challenges in life. Please understand that words hurt. There are kids harming themselves and committing suicide every single day because of being bullied or teased by others. You have no idea why someone is overweight. They could have been starved as a child, imprisoned by an abusive spouse, have an illness or have been raped which let to pregnancy. There could be countless reasons why someone appears the way that they do. Don’t automatically assume that people that are overweight are lazy and don’t care about themselves. Don’t assume that wealthy people have no problems. They are not immune to illness, death or violence. Don’t assume a skinny person has an eating disorder. You have no idea what life they have led. I don’t know why we have decided that it is okay to body shame or pass judgement on people. No one is perfect. Your words and actions can end another’s life. Think before you speak. 

Big Ball of Whiteness

Talk about putting yourself out there. I was a little hesitant about doing this because come on…do you see all of that sexiness? I’m not sure if the world can handle it. Unfortunately I can’t worry about the world. I have to take care of me. Hopefully by posting these pics, weight and measurements it will help keep me motivated and perhaps motivate others. There is no reason to use a filter, app or whatever else to alter my pics. I see me in the mirror and the majority of people that may read this blog know exactly what I look like. Why hide? This is me…all of me hanging out everywhere. No I’m not happy with it but it is up to me to change it. It may be harsh but I really don’t care about any negative comments that can be said about my appearance. I can change my appearance and I will pray that those negative people can change their heart. The world doesn’t have to be ugly and consumed with people tearing each other down. Imagine where we would be if we lifted everyone up with words and acts of kindness. Sorry…slight rambling moment. Pics and info are below. Wish me luck tomorrow. 😳

307 pounds, 47.7% body fat, 5’7″

Right arm 17.5 inches, left arm 16 inches, chest 54.5 inches, waist 53.5 inches, hips 60 inches, right thigh 32 inches, left thigh 31 inches

   
    
 

Vagina Confusion

Don’t worry…you can keep ready. 🙂 This isn’t that kind of blog people. Anyway…of course I’m continuing to freak out over this whole diet/lifestyle change. My mind tends to make things far more complicated then they really are. So..naturally like most sane individuals I have a conversation with myself this morning. Just like I talk myself into the crazy, negative crap…I have to talk myself out. I’m like come on Susan…you are not a giant vagina. Hmmm let’s ponder that thought for a minute. Have you read the book If You Give a Mouse a Cookie? Yes I’m going to reference a children’s book and the word vagina in the same sentence because well…I can. It’s not that serious people. Anyway you will find that is how my mind works. Start one place and totally end up at another. See…I’m doing it now. Anyway…who decided that being called a vagina was a negative thing? Do you know the things that a vagina has to go through? I’m just saying I find it difficult to believe that something that produces life could be considered weak. So to all of those people that I have called a giant walking vagina…you are welcome. I gave you a compliment. See…I am a good person. 🙂