It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now.
I’ve tried and failed a million times. Losing weight can be challenging. My biggest obstacle is me. I seem to lack discipline and of course the mental side of things is not easy. This time around I thought I would try to deal with my crazy. If I could strip away the work excuses and stress and focus on being positive then perhaps I would start to see changes. It’s difficult to make changes if you are constantly beating yourself up or not putting yourself first. I’m trying to ease into it. Monday I started tracking my calories and started taking walks again. The doctor would love for me to eat 1200 calories but I think I should take baby steps. Going from eating God only knows how many calories to eating just 1200 is too extreme. I’m pretty sure I would convince myself I was dying and/or starving to death. Extreme changes do not work for me. I get frustrated and quit. I’m hoping tracking the calories will make me more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I may not eat a lot of food but the foods that I was choosing were high in calories. On Sunday we had our last “free meal”. I was shocked when I added up the calories. Just lunch was 2600 calories. Complete insanity. This is a meal that I’ve ordered several times before and did not even realize exactly what I was doing. I think being more aware and learning what the different calorie counts are for the foods that I eat will help me come up with a better plan. The walking is difficult to say the least. I’m glad I’m getting back to it but I’m super slow. I can feel the additional weight that I’ve added to my body. I keep telling myself that it will all improve soon enough. So…I’m listening to positive messages, tracking my calories and easing back into walking again. One message, step and calorie at a time.
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
I’ve avoided mirrors for years. Why stand and stare at myself if I’m not happy with what I see? The gym is surrounded with mirrors and that was a huge struggle for me when I first started going. The trainer wanted me to look at myself so I could see my form and movements. I would look at her instead. Once in a while I would look at myself. Conversations with myself slowly started to happen. This is all part of my journey. I may not be happy with what I see but I’m working on it. In the beginning I would pick myself apart. There was a list of flaws. Now it’s just me becoming a better version on myself. Let’s not get crazy. I’m not going to going to stare at myself for hours or stop every time I see my reflection. I’m just not running from it anymore. Learning to love myself is a process. At some point I had to realize I am who I am. My double chin isn’t going to disappear overnight. My eyes are my eyes. My nose is my nose. My body is my body. All of these things are just what people see and don’t determine who I am at my core. I happen to like myself. I’m honest, caring and pretty funny at times. That to me is more important than what I can see with my eyes. My physical appearance will change more and more thru the years. This winning personality though…it will be constant. 😉
All I could think about on the way to the gym was this meme. It hasn’t been a week of working out yet but my body was sore. I told the trainer this morning that parts of my body that I never thought could hurt were hurting. She was smiling at me as I tried to point at different parts of my body asking what was there. I’m not sure why I was asking. It’s not like I have some mysterious muscle that no one else on the planet has. I don’t even remember what she said it was. I was too busy focusing on the soreness. She of course then introduced me to the rolling stick. This little magical thing was a slice of heaven. Apparently it helps with cellulite too so it’s good to do it even when you are not sore. Who knew? That thing should be my bff. I need to roll everyday all day. They see me rollin. Sorry I couldn’t resist. 😂 Anyway….I continue to learn so much from the training. I’m so glad I did it. I would have never had the confidence to do some of these things on my own. The gym was just a scary place before where I would get on the treadmill and then leave. There are so many other things to do that I know will help me in my weighloss journey. I actually punched a bag today. Never in a million years did I see myself doing that and I especially didn’t think I would like it. It was totally fun! I’m convinced the kettle bells are the devil though. Oh and they may be buried deep but I have abs. They were screaming today. I could go on and on but the short version is I’m so happy that I overcame my fear and signed up for the gym. Now if I can just overcome the mirror fear then my gym life will be awesome. Baby steps…I’m still alive to figure it out. 😊
I’ve been neglected, molested, beaten, starved, left homeless and raped. All of this before the age of 18. I am obese, have low self esteem and self worth. I’m not afraid to strip myself down to try to become a better person. My scars, stretch marks, imperfections and challenges have all shaped me into the person that I am today. Everyone has a story and a past. Life will punch you in the face multiple times. I know my weaknesses but I also know my strengths. Things will happen. It’s all about how you react after getting punched. Two things have gotten me thru my craziness…hope and I’m a hell of a fighter. I decided a long time ago that I would not be a victim. I may not be able to control what happens in my life but I can control how I react to it. I have my pity party moments. I get tired and at times stop fighting. I try not to stay down in the funk long though. It’s a giant trap that you can lose yourself to if you don’t pull it together. I have been in the funk for longer than I would like here lately. My feet hurt, my body aches and after staring in a mirror for quite some time I realized I now have the hotdog bun neck. When did I stop fighting for me? What have I been fighting for all of these years? Perhaps I’ve been fighting this crazy mental battle but the physical has been lost. My body is proof of that. I’ve tried a thousand things. Some have worked but it didn’t matter because I didn’t have the discipline to stick with it. I’m not sure what my next steps will be but I know it won’t be quitting. It will be tough but I will fight and win this battle.
I spend a lot of time talking about things that I dislike about myself. The list is long so it is easy for me to get stuck in the chaos. The negativity can be overwhelming and just leads to a deeper pit of depression. So…tonight I want to try something different. How many positive things can I come up with? 😬 This is tough for me but I want to try.
- Hard working
- Best mom ever! Okay maybe not the best but pretty darn good.
Okay maybe I should attempt something physical. 😳
- Eyes…I like my eye color.
- Dimples…need to smile more so they can be seen 😉
Sorry…I think that’s the end of the list. It’s taking way too long and I’m falling asleep trying to think of more. One day I hope to see myself in a better light.