Today is that day

You know the one where you are probably at your lowest point. I tried for a moment to think of something positive about myself and totally failed. I literally hate everything about myself at this moment. Don’t worry…my crazy ass will snap out of it and will attempt to be awesome tomorrow. Today is just tough. One of my friends informed me this weekend that I needed to purchase a swimsuit. The thought of it made me ill. I haven’t owned a swimsuit in years…like 20 or so. We went to three different stores and I was just dripping with sweat. Thank God none of them had any for me to try on. I would have passed the hell out. I started heading home and of course I’m telling myself I’m a grown ass woman and I should just buy a swimsuit. It’s not that big of deal. My body is my body and I should just get over myself. I bought an Apple Watch and pie instead because that made more sense. 😳 After I beat myself up last night I decided I would go again today to a different store. I grabbed a couple of different short sizes and they only had one top that was maybe my size. OMG! I’m so fat…there are no words to describe what I saw in that mirror. My knees look like they are sunk in. They actually look like the back of my leg if I’m being honest. It’s really, really bad. I have the largest size shorts that they have and if I gain a pound I may bust out like the Incredible Hulk. The only thing I can say about the top is I thought it was a smaller size than what it actually is because I was going based on the size on the hanger. Yeah that was an awesome discovery too. I bought it though. Now I own a swimsuit that I don’t want to wear but I will eventually. I know what you are thinking. Fat girl get off your ass and do something about it. Yeah I know…I don’t need the lecture or judgement. Tonight I will eat Oreos and work because that is the only thing I’m good at. Tomorrow is a new day…

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Perception versus reality

I was legit freaking out over the increase to a 4 minute run with the C210K app. It wasn’t super easy but I did the darn thing. Of course I looked ahead and the workout this morning increased to 5 minute runs. What? You gave me one day with 4 minutes and then increased me to 5?!?! I think I scared myself so much that I didn’t wake up early enough to go to the gym this morning. I never set an alarm because I don’t sleep if I do. I’m always freaking out about not hearing it so I don’t rest well. Yes I realize that might be a little crazy. Anyway…I didn’t make it to the gym this morning. I tried to tell myself I needed the extra sleep even though I know it was because I was being a little punk. I was determined to hit the gym after work to beat that 5 minute monster. I walk in and I’m surrounded by fit, skinny people. Holy 💩there is a lot of people at the gym at night. I’m giving them all the stink eye. I’m pretty sure they thought it was because I was hating on the fact that they all look amazing and I’m this fat chick. Nope…that wasn’t it at all. I’m actually okay with not being skinny. I just want to feel better and be healthier. I was giving them the stink eye because it was hot as hell in the gym. Which one of you assholes messed with the air conditioner? They are all young so they were getting the momma stare down. No one confessed their sins so I carried on to the dreaded treadmill. There are a couple of people running on the other treadmills and these guys lifting weights behind me. You can see your reflection everywhere so you know when someone is looking at you. Of course they are looking at the fat chick sweating her face off walking slow motion on the treadmill. I carry on because I’m telling myself I don’t care. They don’t know me and they can think what they want. At least I’m there and putting forth the effort. I finish the killer 5 minute runs and take my sweaty ass home. I make my way to the restroom and that is when I realize why they were staring at me. I don’t normally look in the mirror but sometimes I catch a glimpse. You can see thru my damn shirt!! The sweat just made it that much better. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m thinking I need to go back and collect some cash from those people for the show I just put on. Damn the luck. I guess I need to slow down and look at myself more often. I shouldn’t assume things are one way when clearly it can be something totally different. 🤪

Superpowers

Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps I’m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally don’t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.

Random thoughts

It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.

Almost a complete waste

A week ago today I joined a gym. I had convinced myself I was ready and nothing was going to get in my way. I woke up early and made it to the gym for the first two days. By the third day I started putting work before myself. I told myself it was okay to take a rest day. The next day I told myself I would go after work since I needed to be at work early. The boys said they wanted to go with me so it would be fine. I waited for one of them to get off work only to be told they were hungry and didn’t want to go. The next day was my work Christmas party so I needed to get to work early because I volunteered to work at the party. Again, no workout before or after work. Saturday was going to be the day. No work so no excuses. I woke up and waited for the boys. I just knew they would go with me. They had more excuses and said they would go later. Later came and left and still no gym time. I had finally reached my limit and said forget it. Sunday I’m going by myself and not waiting on anyone. I needed to go to work first. The excuse is too long to explain. After working several hours I came home to change clothes. I asked the boys if they wanted to come with me. One said he did but he had to go to work first. He would be off early so we would get to go when he got home. I waited and waited. Of course he got off 2.5 hours later than he thought. It’s too late to go now and I’m in bed already. I would be lying if I said I wasn’t disappointed. I let the excuses, work and others get in the way. It wasn’t a complete waste of a week though. I learned a few things along the way. You have to be motivated to go to a gym alone where you know no one. There is no one depending on you to show up but you. I felt out of place and uncomfortable but I did show up at least a couple of days. I need to stop waiting on others. Their path is not my path. They will go to the gym when they are ready to go. I will continue to ask but I will not wait or not go because of them. Work is work. It is a job that provides me with money to pay bills and attempt to enjoy life. It is not my entire life. I don’t want to live to work. I want to work to live. Tomorrow is a new day and full of possibilities. Hopefully week two will be better than the first week. 😳

I’m in control

It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me. 

  • You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself 
  • When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
  • Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
  • If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public 
  • It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself 
  • These things that you believe become your vision statement
  • Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage 
  • You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it. 
  • Everything is a choice
  • You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful 
  • Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
  • You choose

How low can you go? 

Apparently I’m determined to find out the answer to that question. One of my friends asked me to go to Universal Studios with her. Initially I thought this will be a perfect time to just be alone in the hotel while her and her child plays at the park. Nothing in me wanted to go to the park. I’m obese and the idea of spending 13 hours walking around did not sound appealing to me. Of course the other negative thought was about the rides. Would I be able to ride anything? It didn’t take me long to determine staying at the hotel was my best bet. That of course was before I gave myself a pep talk about getting out of my funk and how I needed to socialize. Plus I was feeling guilty about ruining my friends trip. So I decided to suck it up and buy tickets. I was going to smile and have a great time. We had a blast on the first ride. I may have made the right decision. Well that was what I was thinking until the 2nd ride. After making our way thru the longest line known to man I was stopped right before getting on the 2nd ride. The person working asked me if I had tried the seat tester. I asked him if he was serious. He said yes I needed to do it to make sure I could fit. I was devastated. It was so embarrassing. I decided against testing the seat and simply removed myself from the line. At that moment I became the bag and sweater holder. I would not attempt another ride. All I can think about now is flying in a plane. I’m going to be that person that they make buy two seats. How much more will I torture myself before I change? I’m not going to say that I’ve given up but I’m definitely tired of fighting. There isn’t anything that anyone can tell me that I haven’t told myself. I know the positive quotes….the words of wisdom. I know I’m in control of my thoughts. I know all of this is my fault. I know I’m the only person that can change it. The truth is I just don’t have the energy at the moment. Until the glorious day that I do, I will just stay in this depressing, insecure funk. I don’t want to talk to anyone and if I’m being honest I just want to be left alone. I know I can and will work thru this. It’s just taking me longer this time. Ultimately I won’t let this defeat me. This won’t be that thing. I will eventually rise again but today I surrender.