Just me, myself and I

Warning this may be an asshole moment. I think today it finally hit me. The light came on or whatever the heck you want to call it. My kids are older and doing there own thing now. My friends have younger kids, financial challenges or I just suck. Either way I find myself alone a lot. During this alone time I’m practically begging friends and family to eat, watch tv, go somewhere or whatever else. A majority of the time I strike out. If they say yes it really is a temporary yes. I wait, wait and wait some more only to be told I can go ahead without them. Thanks…the day is almost over so now I’m just staying home. It sucks a lot. You start questioning yourself. Why am I alone? Why doesn’t anyone want to hang out? As I’m sitting at the beach eating breakfast alone I realize that I’m totally okay being alone. I’m funny and just all around freakin amazing so I can entertain my damn self. I will go to the movies, take a trip, eat wherever I want and enjoy life solo. I’m done asking and waiting. Life is too short and me, myself and I have lots we want to do. See ya when I see ya ✌️

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Dramatic much?

Okay I will be the first to admit that I can be super dramatic at times. I mean I did google life alert after I fell down. What? I was curious if there was some sort of age requirement. I’m only 41 but clearly have a falling issue. What if I’m slower and slower to get up with each fall? I’m just saying that fashionable life alert necklace may come in handy one day. Anyway…I like to read the news before I fall asleep. That may not make a lot of sense considering it is scary as 💩. There are a 1000 articles about what will happen if you eat or don’t eat this or that. As I’m skimming thru I see one that says my pillow can affect my health. My pillow? Really? That’s where we are? The only way I can see it affecting my health is if I was being smothered by it. I thought I was being “healthy” by not drinking regular soda. I had heard that diet soda causes cancer. Well apparently so does Coke Zero. They just change the formula people. Haven’t you seen the commercial? I’m pretty sure cancer causing stuff was taken out of the new version. Lettuce is making people sick now. Is anything safe? Baby powder causes cancer. Isn’t that nuts? Don’t sleep on your side, back or stomach. I bet there is something about each position that will cause hives. Do you have a microwave? Yeah you are going to hell. 😂 I’m just kidding. It’s insane the amount of stuff we are warned about now. I want to be a kid again where I can run around barefoot, eat mud pies and drink water from the water hose. I did all of that and was rarely sick. In fact I never stayed a night in the hospital until I was pregnant. That’s right…I’m a healthy fat chick. Well except for that weight and blood pressure thing but whatever. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I can’t handle the crazy. I’m going to bed before the world ends.

Shopping while fat

I hate shopping! Stores are set up like there are very few fat people in the world. The clothing section is always extremely small. The XS sizes are on the top and the XXXL sizes are on the bottom. Do they assume that skinny people are tall and fat people are short? I promise you don’t want to see me bending over digging thru everything on the bottom shelf. I tried finding the workout shirts with funny sayings but nope only inspirational messages could be found. What? I have abs…they are just hidden right now. I could probably find them in the men’s section but why do I have to do that? I have the same challenges when I shop for shoes. Apparently the world is made up skinny people with tiny feet. The smallest shoe sizes are on the top and the largest are on the bottom. I honestly have no idea what the average shoe size is for a woman. Clearly my feet are huge. I guess they grew longer as my body went wider. 🤷‍♀️ I challenge you to find decent looking size 11 women’s shoes in a store. That section is almost nonexistent. Again I’m forced to the men’s section. I’m not a dude! I don’t want to shop online for clothes and shoes either. Where is the fun in that? I would rather torture myself with trying on a ton of clothes and buying nothing because I’m depressed about my weight. 😂 Oh the drama of shopping while fat

Cement legs

Determined to have a better day then the day before I decided to venture out. It was actually a decent day until last night. I haven’t been to the movies with the kiddos in forever. Like most normal people they like seats that are higher up in the theater. I like to stay super low to avoid the stairs. Last night we kind of met in the middle…a little high but not all the way to the top. The movie was okay but I’m pretty sure I provided the most memorable moment for everyone. As we are walking down the stairs I apparently thought it would be quicker to just fall down them. It was like my legs were cement and I couldn’t lift them properly. I guess that was one of my awesome superpowers kicking in. I wonder why my invisible power didn’t kick in too so no one would see all of my awesomeness. I used to bounce up quickly after falling but this was slow motion. I twisted my ankle and my legs went backwards. There I was a giant taco on the steps. I should have stood at the door to collect money from everyone for the show I put on. You are welcome people. Hopefully my big behind doesn’t show up on YouTube or as a meme. It’s amazing how many people just stared. Oh well…such is life. So today I have rug burns, a twisted left ankle and bum right knee. Life is too amazing for words. I suppose I should hold on the the fact that I can still walk regardless how odd I look doing it right now. 🖕🏻stairs. They are the devil. I guess I need to start looking into life alert.

Superpowers

Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps I’m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally don’t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.

Random thoughts

It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.

Emotionless?

I’ve been called emotionless, emotionally dead, cold and mean. I’m not sure how someone that cries watching the hallmark channel can be emotionless but we will go with it. I’m kind hearted but I’m also direct. I’m lovable but I’m also honest. Relationships are not something I’m good at. I watched my parents struggle and ultimately end with divorce. Then of course I watched my mother and her million failed relationships after that. I was never that girl that dreamed of a husband, kids and a white picket fence. I wanted to be free and travel the world. God had other plans though. I married, had a couple of kids and then divorced. There is nothing in me that says I want to be in a relationship again in life. I would simply like a friend that I can have amazing sex with on occasion. Apparently that doesn’t exist. I’m trying to keep things simple and then someone wants a relationship. Why? Why do you think every female wants that? Does that make me emotionally dead? Maybe. Maybe I am. For the first time in my life I’m thinking I should invest in a vibrator. No feelings or drama involved. I’m sure it would serve the purpose and no one is left disappointed. Maybe I will change my opinion when the right person comes along. I feel sorry for him when he does. 😂