It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.
Holy 💩!! Today was weigh-in day and I lost 8 pounds! Eight pounds in a week! Honestly I was dreading it. I’ve been better with working out and keeping up with my weight watchers points but I’ve also slipped a couple days. I don’t feel different and I’m still uncomfortable in my clothes. I don’t know. Maybe the scale felt sorry for me. I don’t care…I will take it! If nothing else it motivated me to go to the gym and make healthier choices at the store today. I’m hoping to buy a real yoga mat later today too. Mine was clearly made for a toddler because I’m like a giant on that thing. I’m hoping to continue yoga at least twice a week after the introductory classes end. It’s been a challenging workout but totally worth it. I’m pretty sure I just go to class to do the corpse pose at the end. Don’t judge. It’s the best. 😊 Anyway…the plan is to stick with it and continue with the gym. I know at some point I will plateau so I will have to mix it up again when that happens. I’m just happy to see progress on the scale. I’ve lost 12.6 pounds since I started Weight Watchers 19 days ago. It’s not overwhelming considering my size but it is still pretty awesome to me. Watch out 200 club…I’m coming for ya!
Yesterday I had my follow up appointment with my doctor. Guess who lost 6 pounds since their last appointment?!? That’s right…this chick. It looks like my little bit of gym time is paying off. I started Weight Watchers a few days ago as well. I suck at eating the right thing but hopefully this points thing will help me. So far I’m obsessed with not exceeding my points. It’s a struggle but if I can keep up with it then I know I will see positive results. Next on the list is the yoga class. I’m hoping that with my gym time, Weight Watchers, yoga and DietBets I can finally win this weight battle. Either way, I’m enjoying the process this time.
The up and down of trying to live a healthier life is going to drive me insane. On Monday I was super excited. After torturing myself with the racing mind the night before, I weighed in and had lost 8.7 pounds. Yay! I had my last session with the trainer yesterday and completed another workout last night. I was nervous but felt I had lost at least another pound. I’m trying desperately to get out of the 300 pound club before I turn the big 40 next week. Feeling somewhat confident I stepped on the scale this morning. Instead of losing weight I actually gained 1.7 pounds. In order not to completely lose my mind and throw things, I’m going to pretend it is because I’m gaining muscle. I have been lifting weights every time we go to the gym. One of the DietBets that I joined ends on 1/28. I have to reach 297.5 pounds by that date in order to split the pot. Losing money is not an option! So…here is the plan. My vacation is 1/20-1/29. I will work out twice a day except for on my birthday until I get under that weight. It’s probably wise for me to focus on cardio instead of weights. Watch out Fitbit friends! If anyone is reading, let me know if that is a horrible plan or what you think I should do. Oh and thanks for reading and attempting to follow my crazy on my weightloss journey. 😊