I almost died

Yes that may be a little dramatic. I went on my first hike in a hundred years yesterday. I thought I was being really smart about it. I downloaded an app, filtered for easy hikes and figured the 2.2 miles would be okay. Never in a million years did I think the easy hike would be not so easy. I probably should have thought it out a little more. It’s easy to someone that it is used to hiking and isn’t knocking on 300 pounds. First of all…I’m clumsy. I will fall walking on a flat surface. This was dirt, rocks and not level. What in the actual fuck was I thinking? I know exactly what I was thinking. It is only 2.2 miles and I want to see a waterfall. There was definitely sketchy parts along the trail. We saw the leg of a poor deer and what appeared to be a creepy cave. Whatever it was didn’t like deer leg. It was like it was broke off and left as an example. 😳 You win cave dweller. Keep it moving people. It felt like the longest hike ever. We eventually made it to the waterfall. It was tiny but still a beautiful waterfall. I think I was more thankful for the bench so a big girl could sit and catch her breath. My heart was beating out of my head. It was time to head back and I was so worried. There were steep areas with loose sand and crazy looking steps. I thought going back was going to be dangerous and take a long time with my baby steps. It actually went a lot quicker. I’m sure part of that was because we stopped several times on the way up to take pictures. On the way down you are just trying to leave. I’m not exactly sure how it happened but boom…big girl down. I have a scratch on my leg and tiny scratch on my palm but other than that I’m okay. At least I didn’t roll down the mountain or get taken by the cave dweller. I got up and kept moving. I really thought we were close to the end. I would get so excited when we got to each curve thinking the car would be there. The picture shows the moment I was seriously considering rolling down the hill. It felt like someone kept moving the car further away. I had it in sight and could totally roll to it. The momentum from rolling downhill will carry me up the other hill. 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure whatever was down there would have hurt worse than the fall so I decided against the roll action. We eventually made it out and to Dairy Queen for some yummy ice cream. What? I totally earned that. It was the first time in years I did over 10,000 steps in a day, I fell down and got back up. I’m not sure when my next hike will be. I’m thinking further research is needed and perhaps losing lots of weight. 😬

So…I did a thing

Perhaps I should start with the church group. I survived! They changed the topic so we won’t be discussing the family stuff for two more weeks. 🙌 That gives me plenty of time to come up with an excuse not to attend. 😂 Just kidding…it will be fine. In other news, I did some online shopping. 😳 I mean…what else is there to do when you are quarantined? I’m obese, quarantined, furloughed and adding on more pounds daily. It makes perfect sense to make a large purchase. 🤷‍♀️ So…I bought a treadmill. My luck…it won’t be delivered until the stay at home order has been lifted which just makes it a super smart purchase. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Let’s pretend it gets here sooner. That allows me more time to get faster than my neighbor before the zombie apocalypse. #goals I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking when I bought it. I can’t say it was a spontaneous buy because I researched for like two days. 😬 Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that if I see this expensive thing every single day then it will force me to use it. Besides, at this rate I need to get cute for my future stripper job so that I can pay for all this 💩. Are strip clubs essential? Asking for a friend. 🤷‍♀️

Dirty ass

I have no idea what a dirty ass tastes like but I imagine it is similar to this. I was furloughed yesterday so I decided I would try to walk more and eat healthier while I’m out of work. Let’s not get carried away though. I have a 5000 step goal instead of 10000 like most people. Considering I was probably averaging 2000 to 3000 daily then 5000 is a win for me. 😁 We are going to say I’m graduating to eating healthier. I had one hot pocket instead of two for breakfast. Winning. What you see in the pic is what I had for lunch. It’s almost healthy. I mean it’s kale and spinach. Yes it is creamed kale and spinach but who would eat it without the cream part? 😳 It isn’t 1000 calories but I probably should have had a cheeseburger instead. After the first bite I realize I had chosen poorly. Dirty ass all in my mouth. My breath has to be on another level right now. I had already committed though. This is lunch, there is a food shortage in the world, starving children in Africa and whatever else I could come up with to see this dirty ass to the finish line. 🤢 I survived! 🙌 Now I need to get this taste out of my mouth and reward myself for eating “healthy”. Yes jellybeans…I see you. Thank you for saving lives and ridding the world of my dirty ass breath. 😂

Zombie training

Today I begin zombie training. I’ve decided I don’t want to be eaten by a zombie when the world goes to 💩. I’ve never watched The Walking Dead but I’m pretty sure the fat zombies starve to death. Throw in arthritis and that zombie is super screwed. So I bought another Fitbit and will try to get more than 3000 steps a day. I know…it’s a big goal. I’m not trying to be a super athlete but I am trying to beat out at least one person when I have to make a run for it. 🤣 Relax…I’m only joking. I did buy a Fitbit though. I like the Apple Watch but I miss the Fitbit community. I felt alone with the Apple Watch. I need the Fitbit challenges and people checking on me when I’m not moving. Today will be day one of wearing it so we will see how it goes. I’m not setting any huge goals. I just want to do more than I was doing. I’m hoping that will continue to evolve but for now…baby steps.

Battle of the mind

So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!

Bye 2019

Isn’t it crazy how the closer it gets to the end of the year, we can’t wait for it to be over? We are convinced it was the worst year ever and are super dramatic about it. We may even throw ourselves on the floor. We instantly forget all of the good things that happened throughout the whole year. I’m totally guilty of doing all of that. Saying goodbye to 2019 is a little different than previous years. I feel like this time I’m actually closing out the last chapter of my first book. I’m hoping that all the pain and craziness in the first book was all build up for an extremely happy ending in the second book. What? A girl can dream. 🤷‍♀️ I’m excited about 2020! At this moment it feels like anything is possible and big changes will occur. It almost feels like you just bought a lottery ticket and are convinced you are going to win. You even start planning out what you will do with the money. That’s how I’m looking at 2020. I may dye my hair a crazy color, create a dating profile, run with the bulls, zip line, find baby Yoda, start a doggie daycare, get a tattoo, write a book or skydive. There are endless possibilities. The question is will I allow myself to do anything? Will I get out of my own way and really live my best life? God I hope so! Happy New Year everyone!

Is this impossible?

I’m ashamed of how many times I have asked myself that question. I’ve been using this couch to 10K app to help get me moving. I’m not actually running while doing it so I’m not sure if I will reach the 10K distance by the time I finish the app or not. I’ve been walking and then walking a little faster on the run parts. I can’t tell you the amount of times I have cursed the creators of the app and their moms. The idea is to walk for so many minutes and then run for so many minutes. Each day the run minutes increase. By week 5 they start skipping numbers. You go from running 6 minutes to running 8. Week 6 you jump to running 10 minutes. Today was day 3 of week 6 and can you believe they jumped to 15 minutes of running? Ma’am/Sir…what the hell happened to 7, 9, and the very important 11, 12, 13, and 14? Is this a torture technique? I looked ahead last night so I knew today would include the 15 minute run. That was my first mistake. The really sad part is this isn’t my first time using this app. Clearly this crazy had slipped my mind. Anyway, I didn’t sleep well so I was prepared to sleep in and perhaps not do the couch to 10K today. I’m pretty sure God was pointing at me and laughing when I woke up early. What other excuse can I come up with? My knees have been killing me. Maybe I should take another rest day or just go to the swim class. The 15 minutes just seems impossible for me. Then I was reminded of what a dear friend has been telling me. Celebrate every victory. You may not be where you think you should be but you are making progress. It’s better than where you were a month ago. I rolled out of bed and headed to the gym. I will admit I was still worried about the 15 minutes. I told myself I would do what I can do. I’m in control of the treadmill so if I need to lower the speed before the 15 then I can do that. The goal was to go for as long as I could at the higher speed. I tried really hard to not watch the minutes on the app. That didn’t really work out. I looked down several times but instead of dreading how many minutes I had left, I cheered myself on for how many had already passed. If I’m being honest, I could have gone longer than the 15 minutes at the higher speed. I’m not sure how much longer but I’m excited to find out. It’s only impossible if I don’t try. 🤗

Pounds, bye

I know it is only day five of the keto diet and day three of workouts but I was curious and had to weigh myself. You are not going to believe this 💩! Okay let me give you the disclaimer first. It was a different scale than the one I originally weighed in on. With that in mind it may not be totally accurate but it has to be close right? Either way I’m taking the win! I’ve officially escaped the 300 pound club. I now weight 299.2 lbs. I lost 6.8 lbs! Holy cauliflower mash potatoes Batman!! So freakin exciting. I know I will hit a wall at some point and will adjust whatever necessary to continue on this path of weight loss. Wish me luck!

Perception versus reality

I was legit freaking out over the increase to a 4 minute run with the C210K app. It wasn’t super easy but I did the darn thing. Of course I looked ahead and the workout this morning increased to 5 minute runs. What? You gave me one day with 4 minutes and then increased me to 5?!?! I think I scared myself so much that I didn’t wake up early enough to go to the gym this morning. I never set an alarm because I don’t sleep if I do. I’m always freaking out about not hearing it so I don’t rest well. Yes I realize that might be a little crazy. Anyway…I didn’t make it to the gym this morning. I tried to tell myself I needed the extra sleep even though I know it was because I was being a little punk. I was determined to hit the gym after work to beat that 5 minute monster. I walk in and I’m surrounded by fit, skinny people. Holy 💩there is a lot of people at the gym at night. I’m giving them all the stink eye. I’m pretty sure they thought it was because I was hating on the fact that they all look amazing and I’m this fat chick. Nope…that wasn’t it at all. I’m actually okay with not being skinny. I just want to feel better and be healthier. I was giving them the stink eye because it was hot as hell in the gym. Which one of you assholes messed with the air conditioner? They are all young so they were getting the momma stare down. No one confessed their sins so I carried on to the dreaded treadmill. There are a couple of people running on the other treadmills and these guys lifting weights behind me. You can see your reflection everywhere so you know when someone is looking at you. Of course they are looking at the fat chick sweating her face off walking slow motion on the treadmill. I carry on because I’m telling myself I don’t care. They don’t know me and they can think what they want. At least I’m there and putting forth the effort. I finish the killer 5 minute runs and take my sweaty ass home. I make my way to the restroom and that is when I realize why they were staring at me. I don’t normally look in the mirror but sometimes I catch a glimpse. You can see thru my damn shirt!! The sweat just made it that much better. 🤦🏼‍♀️ I’m thinking I need to go back and collect some cash from those people for the show I just put on. Damn the luck. I guess I need to slow down and look at myself more often. I shouldn’t assume things are one way when clearly it can be something totally different. 🤪

C210K – Week 3 😩

Da damn today was rough. Week 3 is complete and boy did it end with a kick in the ass. Okay so maybe I’m being slightly dramatic. They increased the run portion to 3 minutes. 😳 Sure I know that is nothing for some people but for me…it was the longest 3 minutes of my life. Yeah that’s probably a lie too. I’ve given birth, I’ve waited for my son to get out of surgery and am guilty of staring at the clock at work. Three minutes was definitely longer in those situations. Plus if I’m being really honest…I’m not running no damn where. I’m walking at a speed of 3 on the treadmill and my run parts are at 3.5. That is probably slow motion to some people. My big ass is dripping with sweat and wondering when this will be easier. Baby steps…I know. Well and I didn’t die so there’s that. I can tell you that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow’s workout. They bump it up to 4 minutes of running. 😯 I should not have looked ahead. I know I’m making progress with the app but it doesn’t feel like anything is changing with my body. I still feel and probably weigh the same. 😔 Maybe it will change soon but right now I feel like I’m just going thru the motions. I suppose that is better than doing nothing though. If nothing else…I will do it for the badges. Watch out for the rising star 💫😉