I can honestly say I run from this word and everything about it. As a small child I watched my mother battle depression and mental illness. She took what felt like a thousand mood altering pills. It seemed like they could never level her out so there were numerous visits to hospitals. As crazy as it may sound, I have a hard time taking medication because of that experience. I read the side effects on everything and 9 times out of 10 will not take the medicine. Who wants a swollen tongue, constipation, suicidal thoughts and all of the other crazy stuff? That’s a hard pass for me. Perhaps I’m scared of losing control. How can you be scared to lose control of something that you don’t really have control over? What causes depression? Can you prevent it? Is it a choice? It can’t be right? Who would choose to be depressed? Am I depressed? I came across this quote that made me really question it. My sister tells me I’m emotionless or dead inside. I feel like every single day is Groundhog Day. I wake up, go to work and then come home. It feels like I’m not living my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. If I am depressed, how did I get to this place? Could it be a temporary thing because of all of the chaos that is happening with my life right now? Is depression like mental illness and it is with me forever? Does it require medication? Clearly I need to Doctor Google some things. I’m hoping that once things start to settle in my life I can start to focus on my mental health. I would like to believe I can overcome these challenges without medication. If not, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 😬
It may sound ridiculous but I can assure you it is a real thing today. I normally fear falling down, getting in an accident on the way to work and the 1000 other things that run thru my crazy ass mind. Today I am walking with confidence and daring someone to hit me because I’m ready…I shaved! I bet this is how people feel when they have a bulletproof vest on. Go ahead shoot. I’m good…I shaved. 😂 Really? I apparently am losing it. I barely shaved to the knee so it’s not like I covered everything. With these large legs I probably left several landing strips of hair on my legs. So much for being invincible. I’m glad I talked myself thru this. It was a nice invincible moment while it lasted. I will make plans to be a total badass tomorrow. Shave my head, get some tattoos…yeah probably not. I haven’t reached that stage in my life just yet. 😉
Okay I will be the first to admit that I can be super dramatic at times. I mean I did google life alert after I fell down. What? I was curious if there was some sort of age requirement. I’m only 41 but clearly have a falling issue. What if I’m slower and slower to get up with each fall? I’m just saying that fashionable life alert necklace may come in handy one day. Anyway…I like to read the news before I fall asleep. That may not make a lot of sense considering it is scary as 💩. There are a 1000 articles about what will happen if you eat or don’t eat this or that. As I’m skimming thru I see one that says my pillow can affect my health. My pillow? Really? That’s where we are? The only way I can see it affecting my health is if I was being smothered by it. I thought I was being “healthy” by not drinking regular soda. I had heard that diet soda causes cancer. Well apparently so does Coke Zero. They just change the formula people. Haven’t you seen the commercial? I’m pretty sure cancer causing stuff was taken out of the new version. Lettuce is making people sick now. Is anything safe? Baby powder causes cancer. Isn’t that nuts? Don’t sleep on your side, back or stomach. I bet there is something about each position that will cause hives. Do you have a microwave? Yeah you are going to hell. 😂 I’m just kidding. It’s insane the amount of stuff we are warned about now. I want to be a kid again where I can run around barefoot, eat mud pies and drink water from the water hose. I did all of that and was rarely sick. In fact I never stayed a night in the hospital until I was pregnant. That’s right…I’m a healthy fat chick. Well except for that weight and blood pressure thing but whatever. 🤦🏼♀️ I can’t handle the crazy. I’m going to bed before the world ends.
It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now.
So my birthday is a month away. I decided to visit my friend and explore New York. I’m not sure what I envisioned would take place on the trip. I just thought about being in New York with my best friend. I really didn’t think of the million miles we would be walking. That didn’t really sink in until she asked me if I wanted to go to the Statue of Liberty. She said we could go all the way to the crown. I may have gone into shock. The first thing that came to my mind was this lighthouse I had visited and the thousand stairs to the top of it. The Statue of Liberty makes that lighthouse look like a small toy. My next thought was how on her birthday I was too fat to go in the helicopter with her. Will I ruin this for her too? Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. After falling into the fear pit I realize I have time to lose a few pounds and attempt to become a stair master. I may be 294 pounds right now but that doesn’t mean I will be that same weight on my birthday. I could be down 20 pounds by then if not more. I hate stairs and usually breathe heavy just thinking about going up them. If the Internet is correct we will have to do 20 stories to get to the crown. I have plenty of time to practice. So…I finally listened to my kids and joined them at the gym last night. I have avoided the gym because well I’m huge and it’s just awkward being surrounded by tons of tiny people that can last a lifetime on the machines and I’m breathing heavy after 2 minutes. It’s just uncomfortable. Either way I sucked it up and went with them. They left me to the machines while they hit the weights. It was painful and embarrassing. I was determined to try several machines and wanted to stay on them at least 10 minutes each regardless of how slow I had to move. I did a total of 3 machines. Not a lot but enough to let me know which one to avoid. 😊 There was a stair machine there but I didn’t make it to that one. I may just find a building that is over 20 stories and just go up as far as I can. I will repeat it as often as I need to until I get to the top. I can do this! I can conquer this fear as long as I focus and work hard. The gym was an excellent idea too. The lesson that I learned is that I should probably go there more often. I’m going to get more out of the gym then I will on my casual, slow pace walk each morning. The gym will challenge me more even if I just stay on the treadmill. I will be walking a steady pace instead of my stop and take a pic pace. I look forward to developing a new schedule of stairs and gym time. Fingers crossed that I will stay consistent and will be ready for the crown next month.