Corona crazy

Is anyone else overthinking life right now? I stayed home one day. Yes…just one day. I may have eaten enough for a village that day. It’s like I didn’t think about what was happening. Maybe my mind thought I needed to store away food like a squirrel or something. Then the freak out occurs because what if I run out of food and starve to death. Yes…that extreme in one sentence. 🤣 Lets not stop there though. What if we run out of food? Who will survive? Will it be the zombie apocalypse? I’m not ready for that? I’m fat and can’t run. Someone will feast on my body for days. I wonder if I can make zombie friends and they will spare me. 🤔 If they don’t, what kind of zombie will I be? Have you ever seen an overweight zombie? How does that work? How would I get food if I’m an out of shape zombie? Yes…my mind is out of control. The next day I HAD to get out of the house. The thought of being forced to stay home by someone made me have a little bit of anxiety. What do you mean I can’t leave when I want to? When did I become a prisoner? I know I said prison was my retirement plan but I’m not retiring yet. I must escape. Day 3 rolls around and I have to go to the store. What if there is something I need? States are shutting down. 😳 I go to the store and buy stuff I don’t need. It all makes total sense. That night I start to reflect on the day and the previous days. I ended up looking at diets and joined a damn virtual race. Day four has arrived…I wonder what will happen today. Will I eat all of the candy and cookies in the house to prepare for the diet? Will I be able to find the diet food in the store right now? How am I going to do the virtual race if I can’t leave my house? Sweet baby Jesus…get it together woman! Oh the drama! 🤪

Gym confession

Where is Usher when you need him? This is my confession…okay maybe a totally different thing than what he was talking about but it’s still a confession. 🤷‍♀️ I quit the gym. There…it’s out in the open now. The truth will set you free or whatever helps you sleep at night. I was that guy the beginning of January that signed up with the best of intentions. I even bought lessons with a trainer and met with the nutrition guy. I tracked my calories, macros, exercise and everything else using MyFitnessPal. If I’m being honest with myself, I made it a couple of weeks before I knew I was cancelling my membership. By the end of January I gave my 30 day notice. It was pointless and I knew I was going to do exactly what I did. I mean…I’ve only started and stopped a million times. I’m a pro at quitting when it comes to doing something for me. I can tell you that I did it for financial reasons and that would be true too. Why pay for an expensive gym when you clearly are not going to go? It was a total waste of everyone’s time and energy. The poor little trainer tried so hard. She was so sweet but had no idea what she was up against. I’m just a lost cause right now. The harsh reality is that I will never commit to taking care of me until I believe I’m worth it. No one can get me there but me. I’m not sure how or when that will happen either. So I guess that whole gym bod thing is on hold. 😉 On a positive note…I won’t catch the coronavirus from the gym. 😂 People…wash your hands and clean the machines after using them. For the love of God and all that is holy, you should have been doing it before this virus thing anyway!

Letter

You can probably tell by all my craziness that I’ve never been to therapy. It is something that I’m considering at this stage in my life. I think it may be the only way to heal what needs to be healed. I must admit I’m a little scared to do it. Someone mentioned that I would have to write a letter to my younger self. What would I say to that little girl? Is it before or after the first trauma? Do you prepare her for what’s to come? Do you try to protect her knowing you can’t? She is going to feel invisible at some point. How can you change that knowing the end result? No one is going to come to her rescue. She will be alone and hurt by the people that are closest to her. What’s the point of the letter? At this point it seems like it would be more of a warning letter. Don’t do that, avoid that person and find someone to help. You will feel numb. You won’t allow yourself to get attached to anything or anyone. You are going to feel worthless and there is nothing I can do to help you. You are going to beat yourself up all of the time. You won’t value yourself so you won’t take care of yourself. You won’t even make the list of people you need to take care of. You will work a lot and avoid anything self care related. You will convince yourself that no one wants to be around you so you will just work even more. Time will fly by and before you know it you will be alone. In those silent moments you will wonder if you deserved everything that happened to you. 😬 What do you say to someone knowing you can’t change anything? Hopefully this whole letter writing thing doesn’t happen until much later in the process or I may make a run for it. I can’t help that little girl. I can’t save her. The letter that I would write today won’t change that.

Abortion

It’s been a while since my last confession/blog. I guess I have just been avoiding myself. Most people quit their job and move to a different state because they are running from something. I did it to attempt to run to something. There is so much trauma in my past and I’ve done an excellent job with packing each event in a box and sealing it up. Leakage has occurred thru the years. The past has influenced how I live my life. I told myself that thing was over and done with but it’s not. It was never dealt with. There was no forgiveness, healing, anger or any other emotion. I simply survived it and moved on. I knew I needed to make changes. I knew boxes needed to be unpacked or I would never be free. I thought that I would find people to open up to and work thru things with at church. It seems like I keep hitting walls instead. They have different groups you can join. I actually joined a few in an effort to find my tribe. Today I met with someone that leads the abortion group. I’m apparently the only person that joined the group which just feeds my insecurities. The leader jumped right in to ask me about my experience. Ma’am…do you want to know my name, how I’m doing today or any basic thing first? I told her I had an abortion when I was 15 and there wasn’t enough time to tell her about all the things that occurred to bring me to that point. My life has not been normal or at least I pray it isn’t the norm. This group just wants to talk about the abortion but nothing else. I get it but that’s not what I need. I was already emotionally dead before the abortion. I was completely numb and going thru the motions when it happened. I made an adult decision as a child. It seemed like the best decision at the time. Do I regret it? I honestly don’t know. I regret being in the position to have to make that decision. Would I do it again? I don’t know. You never know what you will do in a situation until you are in it. It is heartbreaking to know that I killed someone. Not just someone…my child. The amount of shame and loneliness that you feel in that moment is indescribable. You may not process it right away. It may take years but it will catch up to you. What happens then? I can tell you every single person I start to have a conversation with refers me to counseling. I know they are right but this little voice just reminds me how I’m too much, too damaged, alone and not worthy. I also know those are lies but it is so hard to escape them. So…I’m going to throw some extra duct tape on that abortion box and put it back on the shelf. I need to start from the beginning and work my way thru the boxes. Maybe I will eventually look into counseling. Someone should say a prayer for that person. They have no idea what they are about to experience.

Battle of the mind

So….I finally joined a gym today. It was not an easy thing this time around. I will admit I wanted to join. It was my idea to go look at a few gyms to find out what the options were. It was all great until it got real and we actually talked about joining. What do you mean you want me to sign up right now? I have commitment issues. Pump the brakes. I need to think about this. It’s a lot of money and I don’t have a job. What if I suck and never go? My mood went from being super excited to see the options to complete sadness. It was legit a minor meltdown. It’s amazing how fast I can beat myself down. I can list a million reasons why this is a bad idea. I honestly don’t think I would have joined if my friend wasn’t with me. I agreed to sign up for the month to month plan. I’m giving it one month. If I don’t go then I’m not out a huge amount of money. If I do go then I win because I’m taking care of myself. It doesn’t seem like a hard choice but the mind is a difficult thing to conquer. Wish me luck!

Drunk text

You usually regret these once you are sober. You say things that perhaps you wish you had not. Some believe the truth comes out when you are drunk but sometimes it is just pure crazy that happens. I say all of that to say that my last blog was my drunk text. No I wasn’t drunk. The truth is I didn’t have a single drink. It was late at night and I was lost in my brain. It’s a battle that I keep losing but at least I’m still fighting the fight. I regretted the post shortly after it was published. I tried to hide it but when someone contacted me this morning I realized it didn’t exactly work. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Then I decided to open it back up since the damage was already done. Maybe it can help someone in some way. Depression is real and you are not alone. Maybe it generates conversations about my crazy. Hopefully that opens someone’s eyes to see that person next to them that may not be okay. Life is tough and it doesn’t always go how we want it to. I have to believe there is a reason for everything and God will carry me thru this like he has everything else in my life.

The Ugly Truth

Obviously I’ve been avoiding this whole blog thing. It’s my space to vent or just express my thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to do that when you know some of the people that may be reading it. I never want to be that person that is a burden to others. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or think less of me because of something I’ve written. It is literally how I feel at that moment and I could feel totally different five minutes later. I had a vision of how I wanted things to be and it hasn’t turned out that way. Sometimes you just want people to see or hear about the good things so they don’t worry or judge you. The ugly truth is that I’m not okay. I honestly haven’t been for a long time. I thought once I escaped my job that things would improve. I would finally take care of me and enjoy life. The truth is it just gave me more time to think and almost all of it is negative self talk. I left a job that I worked at for over 20 years and didn’t really develop relationships. I can count on one hand the people that have reached out. Clearly I didn’t have a positive impact on anyone. I went thru the motions and remained detached. Then it turns into thoughts of no one wanting to be around me. What do I bring to the table? I’m just this weird chick that worked way too much so I don’t have any hobbies or anything to talk about. I’m better off alone. I started applying for lots of different jobs. I’ve been trying to avoid doing what I did in my previous job. I’m striking out left and right. I get it…no college degree and trying to get a job in an area I have no experience. Needless to say it’s depressing and really does a number on your self esteem. I tried to volunteer at the church and a homeless shelter. Neither of them wanted me. I mean you must be a horrible person with the plague if the homeless shelter doesn’t want your help. They eventually called back but the damage was already done by the time that occurred. Most of my days are spent in my bed or on the couch watching Netflix, applying for jobs and moving the not qualified emails out of my inbox. My poor dog is rarely taken outside. Don’t worry…he is puppy pad trained. Yes I understand I’m a horrible person for that. I try to pretend it’s okay because he gets plenty of exercise the couple of days a week he goes to daycare. Yes I realize that is wrong too. I feel like I’m so far deep in this dark hole that it is impossible to pull myself out. I know that isn’t true but I think years of baggage is catching up to me. The self hate tornado is out of control. One small thing can bring up years of reminders of why I am not worthy of anything. The more that I write the less I think of myself. I’m sure you are thinking the same thing. It’s okay….remember it’s just this moment in time. I will be okay. I just need to figure out how to get there.