Breaking point

It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now. 

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Fat Girl Fears

So my birthday is a month away. I decided to visit my friend and explore New York. I’m not sure what I envisioned would take place on the trip. I just thought about being in New York with my best friend. I really didn’t think of the million miles we would be walking. That didn’t really sink in until she asked me if I wanted to go to the Statue of Liberty. She said we could go all the way to the crown. I may have gone into shock. The first thing that came to my mind was this lighthouse I had visited and the thousand stairs to the top of it. The Statue of Liberty makes that lighthouse look like a small toy. My next thought was how on her birthday I was too fat to go in the helicopter with her. Will I ruin this for her too? Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. After falling into the fear pit I realize I have time to lose a few pounds and attempt to become a stair master. I may be 294 pounds right now but that doesn’t mean I will be that same weight on my birthday. I could be down 20 pounds by then if not more. I hate stairs and usually breathe heavy just thinking about going up them. If the Internet is correct we will have to do 20 stories to get to the crown. I have plenty of time to practice. So…I finally listened to my kids and joined them at the gym last night. I have avoided the gym because well I’m huge and it’s just awkward being surrounded by tons of tiny people that can last a lifetime on the machines and I’m breathing heavy after 2 minutes. It’s just uncomfortable. Either way I sucked it up and went with them. They left me to the machines while they hit the weights. It was painful and embarrassing. I was determined to try several machines and wanted to stay on them at least 10 minutes each regardless of how slow I had to move. I did a total of 3 machines. Not a lot but enough to let me know which one to avoid. 😊 There was a stair machine there but I didn’t make it to that one. I may just find a building that is over 20 stories and just go up as far as I can. I will repeat it as often as I need to until I get to the top. I can do this! I can conquer this fear as long as I focus and work hard. The gym was an excellent idea too. The lesson that I learned is that I should probably go there more often. I’m going to get more out of the gym then I will on my casual, slow pace walk each morning. The gym will challenge me more even if I just stay on the treadmill. I will be walking a steady pace instead of my stop and take a pic pace. I look forward to developing a new schedule of stairs and gym time. Fingers crossed that I will stay consistent and will be ready for the crown next month.