Have you ever felt completely alone? There are so many thoughts racing thru your mind. You recall a thousand conversations that make you feel more alone. Does anyone really care or are you surrounded by people that ask how you are but don’t wait for the answer? There are people that fake like they care. You know the ones that say call me if you need to talk but they really didn’t mean that for real. They claim to be Christian women that want to help others but really I think they just like saying it. Maybe they just want to help others like them. I don’t know. Maybe all of this is just some crazy funk I’m feeling at the moment. My life is a little upside down right now. I’m making big decisions that will totally change my life. There is no way to know what the right decision is or what the outcome will be. It’s scary. I keep telling myself to have faith and it will all work out. I believe in my heart that is true. My head though…that’s a different story. I guess it’s just making me question everything. There are people that have been in my life for over 20 years and I thought they actually cared about me. Perhaps they really were just work associates and not friends. Hell I’ve never been to their house, we don’t hang out so why would I think we were friends? Which then makes me question how many friends I really have. I’ve lived a life full of work and caring for kids. Perhaps I’ve separated myself from everyone that tries to be a friend. I don’t know. It’s late and my brain is in overload right now. Tomorrow I will be awesome. Oh and to the friend that may read this. I love you and don’t worry…I’m okay. 🤗


Shaving makes me invincible

It may sound ridiculous but I can assure you it is a real thing today. I normally fear falling down, getting in an accident on the way to work and the 1000 other things that run thru my crazy ass mind. Today I am walking with confidence and daring someone to hit me because I’m ready…I shaved! I bet this is how people feel when they have a bulletproof vest on. Go ahead shoot. I’m good…I shaved. 😂 Really? I apparently am losing it. I barely shaved to the knee so it’s not like I covered everything. With these large legs I probably left several landing strips of hair on my legs. So much for being invincible. I’m glad I talked myself thru this. It was a nice invincible moment while it lasted. I will make plans to be a total badass tomorrow. Shave my head, get some tattoos…yeah probably not. I haven’t reached that stage in my life just yet. 😉

Day 3 & 4 😮

We are going to say that day 3 was a rest day since I worked too long and didn’t squeeze the walk in. Today is day 4 and I decided to go to the gym this morning. After work I have dinner plans so if I was going to get a walk in it had to be this morning. Let’s just say wow! I forgot how different walking on a treadmill is then walking outside. First let me say I was surprised I was less scared of falling on the treadmill than I am walking outside. Maybe it’s because I’m holding on for dear life. I’m not worried about falling so I’m not worried about how I’m walking on my foot. Since I’m not worried about my foot I’m not overcompensating or trying to correct something which leads to pain. I know it all sounds crazy. I appreciate my strolls outside. My mine is clear and I can pause and take pictures. It just feels good. In the gym you are moving at the same speed and there is no pause. I wasn’t wearing anything to measure the distance but I’m going to guess that what I walked in an hour yesterday only took me 40 minutes today. Insanity. I’m not sure what I’m going to do but part of me feels like I should build up my foot and confidence in my foot on the treadmill and then venture outside. I actually miss working out in the mornings too. I don’t know…we will see how it unfolds. What I do know is I can check another day of workout off the list. 😊

I’m in control

It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me. 

  • You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself 
  • When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
  • Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
  • If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public 
  • It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself 
  • These things that you believe become your vision statement
  • Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage 
  • You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it. 
  • Everything is a choice
  • You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful 
  • Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
  • You choose

Allowing Fear to Rule

It’s crazy how quickly we let fear captain our ship. I was beyond scared to even start working out. A million thoughts and questions went thru my mind. Of course they were all negative. Would the workouts be too much? I’m so fat there is no way I will be able to do them. What’s the point? Am I going to push myself to hard and die? Yeah that was legit one. I made sure I shaved my legs just in case. 😉 When you haven’t done something in so long or have never done it, I think the first reaction is fear. Fear of failure. Fear of what other people will think. Fear of letting others down. That’s a huge one for me. I even missed someone’s wedding because of my fears. Talk about being selfish. Why do I let fear rule my life? I don’t go places and do things because of fear. Fear I will look like a giant sweaty ball of crazy. Fear my feet will hurt if I walk too far. Fear that I will slow others down. I mean the list could go on and on. I think at some point I would even fear fear. Your mind, your thoughts and lack of actions can definitely put you in a place that is hard to overcome. I try to work thru my fears but I don’t always win. Fear is all in your mind. I know this but I still let it rule at times. Ultimately I’m only cheating myself if I give in to fear. I’m a work in progress to say the least. Doing these workouts and actually committing to something was huge for me. You can talk yourself out of everything but it’s indescribable the feeling you have when you are able to do something that you feared you could not. We are ending week 2 of the 21 day fix and I can feel the difference. It’s not all physical. The mental wins are just as awesome. 😊