Mental war

Sorry it has been so long since the last blog. I never seem to allow myself enough time to complete everything that I would like to. I changed my workouts a little bit but needed to adjust the start time. My sleep patterns are crazy. I will wake up at odd times and try to force myself to get more rest. Really I just read the news for an hour or so and pray I will go back to sleep. Eventually I do but it causes me to wake up later than I would like to or I wake up after a few minutes and start the cycle over again. Regardless it is my fault for not managing my time. Anyway…I had my follow up appointment yesterday to find out the results of the blood test. I was convinced there was something wrong with my thyroid because of my weight challenges. I feel like I try to workout at least 5 days a week and I’m not seeing as much progress as I thought I would. I will admit what I consume is not always the healthiest but I’m not eating a ton. As I stated before I don’t consume enough food each day. I’m close to 300 pounds and 5’7″. Weight should be falling off me but nope it is sticking to me like glue. Not the cheap glue…expensive super glue. I also assumed that something was out of whack with my hormones. I’m the sweaty bearded lady. I’m not sure how to feel about the results. The doctor said I’m super healthy. Yep…I’m shocked too. How is a sweaty, obese, bearded lady healthy? I went in hoping we could easily identify what was wrong and come up with a plan to attack it. Her guess is that I have policistic ovarian syndrome. I haven’t really researched all of the details but she prescribed a couple of meds for it and will do more tests in 90 days. I will do what I usually do. Drop the prescriptions off, pick them up and read the side effects. I hate taking pills especially for weight issues. I didn’t take a pill to get fat. So I then go thru the process of beating myself up. Am I not working hard enough? Maybe if I was stricter with my eating it would be different. I’m just lazy. Is this the easy way out? The list of questions and punches can go on forever. I’m not sure what the right decision is. She mentioned that I’m not diabetic but my body doesn’t break down sugar like it should. One of the meds will help with that and the other helps the bearded lady part. I made it clear I was not interested in an appetite suppressant. I don’t need that. So…do I avoid reading the side effects and take the stupid pills? I don’t want to take pills for the rest of my life but I feel like if I don’t get this weight off I will. My blood pressure issues won’t go away until my weight does. What is easier to justify taking? I don’t want to take any of it. I feel like I’m cheating if I do. Regardless I can’t give up. I just need to figure out the best path for me. Obviously what I’m doing now is not working. I need to figure out what does…quickly. 

 

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Breathe B****! 

Yes I was yelling this at myself this morning as I was going up the never ending stairwell. I suppose I should start at the beginning. My friend has purchased tickets for us to go to the crown of the Statue of Liberty on my birthday. We are both pretty excited about it but of course I had a minor freak out moment because well I’m fat. I’m pretty sure fat people do not go up 20 floors of stairs ever in life. I work in a building that has 3 floors and if I have to go to the 3rd I’m taking the elevator. I’m breathing a little heavy when I take the stairs to the 2nd floor. I’m clumsy and fat so I naturally avoid stairs. Needless to say I figured if I somehow trained then perhaps I would make it to the crown next month. Today was my first “training” day. I wanted to push myself as far as I could so I would know where I stood and could set goals. Honestly I thought I would make it to the 7th or 8th floor. As I’m walking up to the building I start going thru the list of reasons why I would only get to that floor. I’m fat. I can barely do 2 floors at work. I’ve been working out twice a day so maybe my body can’t handle it. The list of excuses just kept flowing. Never in a million years did I ever think there was a possibility that I would reach the 20th floor on my first time. It was not easy by any means. There were times when I thought about quitting. I was sweating like crazy and breathing so heavy that I could have awaken the dead. Regardless I kept pushing and reached the 20th. I’m not sure if I looked at my watch correctly but I think I did it in 8 minutes. I was completely shocked. I ignored my excuses and far exceeded my expectations. Instead of saying breathe maybe I should be telling myself to shut up. ☺️ 

 

Fat Girl Fears

So my birthday is a month away. I decided to visit my friend and explore New York. I’m not sure what I envisioned would take place on the trip. I just thought about being in New York with my best friend. I really didn’t think of the million miles we would be walking. That didn’t really sink in until she asked me if I wanted to go to the Statue of Liberty. She said we could go all the way to the crown. I may have gone into shock. The first thing that came to my mind was this lighthouse I had visited and the thousand stairs to the top of it. The Statue of Liberty makes that lighthouse look like a small toy. My next thought was how on her birthday I was too fat to go in the helicopter with her. Will I ruin this for her too? Breathe. Inhale. Exhale. After falling into the fear pit I realize I have time to lose a few pounds and attempt to become a stair master. I may be 294 pounds right now but that doesn’t mean I will be that same weight on my birthday. I could be down 20 pounds by then if not more. I hate stairs and usually breathe heavy just thinking about going up them. If the Internet is correct we will have to do 20 stories to get to the crown. I have plenty of time to practice. So…I finally listened to my kids and joined them at the gym last night. I have avoided the gym because well I’m huge and it’s just awkward being surrounded by tons of tiny people that can last a lifetime on the machines and I’m breathing heavy after 2 minutes. It’s just uncomfortable. Either way I sucked it up and went with them. They left me to the machines while they hit the weights. It was painful and embarrassing. I was determined to try several machines and wanted to stay on them at least 10 minutes each regardless of how slow I had to move. I did a total of 3 machines. Not a lot but enough to let me know which one to avoid. 😊 There was a stair machine there but I didn’t make it to that one. I may just find a building that is over 20 stories and just go up as far as I can. I will repeat it as often as I need to until I get to the top. I can do this! I can conquer this fear as long as I focus and work hard. The gym was an excellent idea too. The lesson that I learned is that I should probably go there more often. I’m going to get more out of the gym then I will on my casual, slow pace walk each morning. The gym will challenge me more even if I just stay on the treadmill. I will be walking a steady pace instead of my stop and take a pic pace. I look forward to developing a new schedule of stairs and gym time. Fingers crossed that I will stay consistent and will be ready for the crown next month. 

Wrong direction

It’s been a really tough week. I attempted to do both the videos and walking each day beginning on Sunday. That worked out until Friday. Due to technical issues I could not get the video to start. To make matters worse I ran out of my Shakeology the previous week. I rely on the Shakeology to be my breakfast each morning. Without it I fell into my old habit of picking something up at the drive thru. A majority of my other meals were not the best either. I thought perhaps if I put in the work with the videos and walking I would still come out on top. Obviously that is not true because I gained yet again. It boggles my mind how quickly I gain weight and how it feels like it I’m so slow to lose it. Today I feel defeated for sure. Don’t worry it will only last a short amount of time. I know if I allow it to take over then I will give up. Quitting is not an option for me. I guess I never thought the battle for a healthier me would be so tough. I assumed since I’m so large that the weight would just fall off if I exercised. I didn’t think it would be easy but I didn’t think the fight would be so hard. I guess I just need to reevaluate everything. Perhaps instead of focusing on the long term goal so much I need to set shorter goals. I should really stop trying to have the best of both worlds with my meals. I can’t drink queso and eat pies and expect to lose weight. I’m disappointed in myself for even thinking that was an option. That door needs to be closed and cemented shut. I can do this. I know it. I’m not meant to be obese and unhealthy. I have the tools to win this battle it’s just up to me to use them.  

 

Angry funk

Do you ever wake up angry and full of negativity? That’s pretty much how my day started. It was pouring outside and I just wanted to stay home. With the amount of rain and flood warnings that we had I just knew the water would be knee deep by my car. It’s usually high when it sprinkles so I knew I was in trouble. No rain boots and the umbrella was at work. I had planned to go walking this morning but I couldn’t do that with the weather. Instead of getting up and doing a workout video I continued to stay in bed and be angry. Eventually I decided I needed to be a responsible adult and get to work on time. As I’m getting ready for work I start to think about why I started the 21 day fix. Aside from the obvious reasons of losing weight and becoming healthy, I started to make my angry list. 

1. I hate that I have to order men size jackets because my size is not available in the women’s version.

2. If you have to consume as much water as I do you tend to frequent the public restrooms. I hate that the stalls seem so small and that I have to walk in sideways. Or my favorite is having to step back by the toilet to open the door to get out.

3. I hate going out to eat. I know that’s hard to believe considering I used to do it so often but it’s just uncomfortable. There is nothing like people looking at you while you struggle to get up out of a booth. 

4. Shaving should be considered a workout for me. 

5. Speaking of showers I’m usually dripping with sweat when I get out regardless of the water temperature. That’s just awesome. Butt naked in front of a fan praying you cool off before the sweat attack hits.

6. My hormones are out of control. I have random white hairs that grow out of my freakin forehead and let’s not even bring up my bearded lady issue. 

7. Why are people obsessed with a thigh gap? I look like a penguin with my calf gap. This shape is horrible. 

8. Do you know what’s it’s like to go up one flight of stairs and be out of breath? I’m pretty sure someone is waiting for me to open the stairwell door just so they can hear me breathe heavy and try to answer their question at the same time. It’s so embarrassing.

9. I should video me putting my socks and shoes on. It would be a YouTube hit for sure. It should be classified as a workout too since there is sweat and heavy breathing involved. 

10. Normal size bath towels barely cover the front of my body. It’s sad when you feel like you should invest in beach towels just so you feel somewhat normal. 

This is just the short list of angry reasons I want to change. I actually started to get angry because I was angry. All of this is my fault and I know it. I’m usually okay with taking the punches and talking myself out of my negative thoughts but today I just couldn’t. Today I’m tired. I will retreat to my comfy bed, put a Disney movie on and know that God willing tomorrow will be another opportunity for me to take over the world. 😉 

Fell off the wagon

Apparently as soon as day 21 ended I lost my mind. I wish I could say I was this strong person that immediately carried on and started another round of the 21 day fix but I didn’t. Just in case you were wondering I fell short with walking too. I haven’t done a workout video or walked since Sunday. Yep…I flat out suck. I don’t have to worry about anyone else sabatoging me because I can lose my mind all by myself. I’m guessing for me developing a habit takes longer than 21 days. Maybe I’m like an addict of some sort. Perhaps I just need to fully commit and not attempt to cheat. Once you cheat it’s easier to keep cheating. Then before you know it you have lost everything you worked for. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just completely insane. Either way I will attempt to be better the rest of week and then start another round of the 21 day fix on November 1st. 

Say it one more time…I dare you! 

You can do anything for 60 seconds. I secretly want to fall on a sharp object every single time my video friend says that. In the beginning I swear that 60 seconds felt like days. Now it’s not days but definitely hours depending on the exercise. Planking….that 60 seconds feels like a lifetime. I’m counting in my head wondering why her seconds are so much slower than mine. I’m working on my poor attitude and in my head I know that she is right. It even makes it easier when I actually think about it like that. It’s only 60 seconds. I keep reminding myself this is a process. It can be discouraging at times and I often beat myself up but I think that is part of the process too. I was wide awake in my bed for about an hour and a half this morning before I decided to get up. It was like I was refusing to get up and do the workout. I wanted to just lay there and read. As I’m laying there fighting the man I realize that I’m completely insane. I’m going to do the workout because I decided to be committed to this. I’m only hurting myself if I don’t do it. So I get up like that kid that doesn’t want to go to school and I do the stinkin workout. I always feel better afterward so I’m not sure why I fight it. I tend to get lost in my own brain sometimes. There is no one on the planet that can beat me up like I can. I know it is crazy but it is true. I am my own worst enemy and I alone stand in my way when trying to achieve things I desire. If you can overcome the mental side of the weightloss process then the physical part is easy. I found myself walking into my office today continuing to beat myself up and find excuses why I shouldn’t continue down this healthy path. I’m arriving later to work now then I want to. That’s tough for a workaholic. It was like a moment of me telling myself this wasn’t going to work and I should just stop trying. Work will be a challenge, I will lose my job and then it just keep going. All of a sudden it was like someone slapped me in the back of the head and said hey big dummy…remember that hour and a half you laid in the bed? Now what? So…I’m thinking maybe I should try this 60 second thing for the bed too. I will give myself 60 seconds to get up after waking up. The longer I stay the more excuses I will have. Why deal with that roller coaster ride of crazy when I don’t have to? 😊