Another beginning…

Wow….so much has happened or not happened since the last time I blogged. I’m not even sure where to begin. As crazy as it may sound, I believe that things happen for a reason. There could be simple things like reading a book that you had for years but maybe you needed the message now. Maybe it is sitting by a complete stranger on a plane and you needing to hear their story. Life has a funny way of showing you things as long as you are open to seeing them. I just want to say I get it…I need to make changes. I’m currently at the highest weight I have ever been in my life. I used to think 300 lbs was the highest I would go. God knows I swore to myself a million times that I was going to change. I know all of the right words to say but it’s the action part that I would get hung up on. The last time I went to the doctor I weighed 326 lbs and even though I’m on blood pressure medicine, my blood pressure was still high. I talked to the doctor about my knees and the swelling that I was experiencing. I guess bootcamp was a little too much for this big body. I hate to admit defeat but it was too difficult. My doctor told me that I should have never done it. The jumping, burpees and craziness is too much for me right now. She told me she wanted to me to get an X-ray on one of my knees and to do at least 30 minutes of cardio a day. She changed my blood pressure medicine to include a water pill to help with the swelling. I’m almost 100% sure that my job is playing into my blood pressure issues. For years I have worked way more than I should and have neglected myself. Sometimes it takes tragic situations for you to wake up and realize that life is too short. Over the course of the last couple weeks my eyes and ears have been wide open. I’ve attended work conferences but personally needed the message from the speakers. I was surrounded by some amazing people on the flights and heard their stories. A friend was rushed to the hospital which shook me to my core. You start to question yourself and how you are living your life. Will anyone at my job miss me if I die tomorrow? Am I living an infinite or finite life? Do I put myself and my family first? Am I living my best life? I could go on and on with the million questions that I asked myself. At the end of the day I want to be a better person that has a positive impact on those around me. I want to be healthy and happy. So…tomorrow is a new beginning. I can’t change all of the poor decisions that got me to this point but I can try to make better decisions going forward. No more excuses!

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Just laugh 😂

Have you ever had one of those days where everything goes wrong? Those are the days I laugh the hardest. I laugh at how I thought it couldn’t get any worse and then it does. Perhaps I laugh to keep from crying. Needless to say the last couple of days have been tough. Work sucks…a lot. I thought it would be better by now but it’s gotten worse. I’ve decided that I will not work more than 70 hours a week. It’s still a lot but it’s a step in the right direction. Honestly after the last couple of days I will probably shorten it even more. We have experienced some turnover and unfortunately more pressure is being applied to me. With me trying to work less now, I can’t cover everything. If I’m being honest I wouldn’t be able to cover everything if I worked more. It’s just not humanly possible for one person to cover that many jobs. At this point I’m extremely frustrated with my boss, his boss and HR because no one seems to hear me when I say this is too much. I’m seriously about to snap. I curse people out on a daily basis. I look like shit. I feel like shit and it’s just getting worse. Apparently there will be changes to our insurance cost in 2018. My job required the employees to have a medical screening in order to receive savings on our insurance next year. This lovely screening occurred yesterday. They checked weight, height, blood sugar, cholesterol, BMI and blood pressure. I tried to tell the guy my arms were large and he needed a bigger blood pressure cuff but of course he didn’t listen. I busted out of that thing like the Incredible Hulk. He got a larger one and then checked my blood pressure. He asked me what it normally was and I told him normal because I take medication. Apparently it wasn’t normal at that moment. I was 144/101. I said of course because I have a stressful as job and you just tried to amputate my arm. My height…yeah I’m shrinking or I seriously need to start working on my posture. Weight…big girl has hit a new high at 314 lbs. No wonder I breathe heavy getting dressed. He almost whispered that I was obese like it was some secret. I was like dude…do you see me? That shit is no secret. Blood sugar and cholesterol was great. So here is the conclusion I came to…my job is literally killing me. I’m stressed the fuck out which is causing my blood pressure issues. I’m fat as hell because I can’t do anything but work. After this realization I share it with my boss’s boss. I actually thought we were friends on some level until this clown tells me that my workload is normal for this industry. I said no the hell it isn’t. He basically gave the HR appropriate answer like I was going to sue or something. Why couldn’t he man up and say I understand and we are trying to fix it? Thank you for all that you do. Maybe you need to take some time off. He could have said a million things that would have made me feel better but instead he said the one thing that told me he didn’t care about me. Thanks…glad I know where we stand now. I was a little bummed after that last night. Not only did I hit a new weight high but people that I thought cared about me personally really do not. Fast forward to today. For some unknown damn reason I signed up for a boot camp a couple of weeks ago. Today was the meeting and day to get measurements. Awesome…I get to find out how fat I am again. Two days in a row just makes me so happy. Anyway…I had to leave work earlier than I normally would to make it to the gym for the meeting. Don’t you worry…I still worked close to 11 hours. 😉 I’m walking out to my car with another girl from work. I get into my car to leave and realize I split my pants. I hop out to try and catch my friend but she didn’t see me waving at her. At this point I’m pretty sure my ass is exposed but I’m not 100% sure. There is no time for me to go home and change because of course I left work later than I should. I pull my shirt down and carry on. Okay I’m fat so pulling my shirt down only last for so long. The damn thing is going to roll back up. I get to the place and go straight to the restroom. Yes ladies and gentlemen we have a confirmed tear. Damn the luck. I laughed so freakin hard. Like you can’t make that up. Who splits their freakin pants right before getting measured for boot camp? Definitely one of those “here’s your sign” situations. I’m not sure who saw my ass but I’m sure if we are in boot camp together they will witness more horrifying things than that. Shit gets real beginning Monday. Let’s hope I don’t die. 🙏🏻

Breaking point

It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now. 

Baby steps

I’ve tried and failed a million times. Losing weight can be challenging. My biggest obstacle is me. I seem to lack discipline and of course the mental side of things is not easy. This time around I thought I would try to deal with my crazy. If I could strip away the work excuses and stress and focus on being positive then perhaps I would start to see changes. It’s difficult to make changes if you are constantly beating yourself up or not putting yourself first. I’m trying to ease into it. Monday I started tracking my calories and started taking walks again. The doctor would love for me to eat 1200 calories but I think I should take baby steps. Going from eating God only knows how many calories to eating just 1200 is too extreme. I’m pretty sure I would convince myself I was dying and/or starving to death. Extreme changes do not work for me. I get frustrated and quit. I’m hoping tracking the calories will make me more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I may not eat a lot of food but the foods that I was choosing were high in calories. On Sunday we had our last “free meal”. I was shocked when I added up the calories. Just lunch was 2600 calories. Complete insanity. This is a meal that I’ve ordered several times before and did not even realize exactly what I was doing. I think being more aware and learning what the different calorie counts are for the foods that I eat will help me come up with a better plan. The walking is difficult to say the least. I’m glad I’m getting back to it but I’m super slow. I can feel the additional weight that I’ve added to my body. I keep telling myself that it will all improve soon enough. So…I’m listening to positive messages, tracking my calories and easing back into walking again. One message, step and calorie at a time. 

So today sucked…a lot

When I first wake up I start to think about the day ahead. I try to motivate myself and just prepare to tackle the day. I knew this morning wasn’t going to be a fun time because I had been fasting before my doctor appointment at 8:30am. Yes indeed…that means no breakfast. Apparently I like to deprive myself of water too since that may have an impact on the test. I know it doesn’t but that’s my justification damn it. The only impact it had was the nurse couldn’t find my vein to get the blood. Dehydration and blood work makes a perfect combo. Anyway…it’s one of “those” appointments I shave for the poor doctor. I mean why not? I’m thinking all of that hair had to weigh some pounds. I can’t wait to see the scale. Yeah I’m never going to say that but moving on. I make it to the doctor and climb my big ass on the scale. Awesome! I gained weight. Hello 300 pound club….again. That tends to happen when you make excuses and work too much. Next it’s time to pee in a cup. I do not have that special skill. I swear I think my pee starts going different directions when I try to catch it in the cup. Every single time the nurse only gets a couple of drops for her test. I still haven’t figured out why I have to take a pregnancy test every time I go to get my birth control shot. Clearly they think I’m a hooker or something. I’m like look at me girl. Do you really think I’m sexually active? I just shaved to come here. I’m only getting the shot because I don’t want a period every month. Anyway…then we go in the dreaded room. Blood work and the lovely Pap smear is next. 🖕🏻to both of those things. The nurse said oh you are 40 now so we add another test. WTF? She giggles and leaves the room. The doctor comes in and tells me oh you’re 40 so you get the rectal examine. WTF? I said I think my ass just tightened up. Can I get a rain check on that? Nope…okay. This is going to be great. She proceeds to tell me to scoot down until my ass is off the table. Why? Why do I have to scoot that far down? All I hear is keep scooting. Eventually she starts. Without warning of course. She decides to warn me before she does the rectal thing though. That was a bad idea. A violation occurred. That was not okay. 🖕🏻that rectal examine. Oh wait…that’s pretty literal. Never mind…after I feel completely violated she tells me oh yeah since you are 40 it’s time for a mammogram. Like hell!?!?! First a rectal examine and now I have to get my boobs flattened. I love 40. It’s my favorite. I finally escape the doctor and head to work. I run to the restroom and of course the toilet paper holder thing just happens to pop open and an entire roll of toilet paper falls into the toilet. I did what any other lazy person would do. I left it there and went to the next stall. Today is shitty enough. I don’t need to go diving for toilet paper in a public restroom. 🖕🏻that too! Work wasn’t fun either. I found out some asshole is trying to recruit someone else to do my job. Really guy? 🖕🏻you too! So as you can see, my whole improve your mental health and all will be right with the world didn’t make it to day 3. Thank God tomorrow is a new beginning. I’m done with today. 

It’s because I’m 40

At this stage in the game everything wrong in my life is because I’m 40. I was going up and down stairs today and my knees were aching and cracking. It’s not because I’m obese…nope it’s because I’m 40. My shirts rolling up like a tube top…I’m 40. Bearded lady issues…yep 40. Don’t even get me started on my hair…definitely 40s fault. Big puffy eyes…you guessed it…40. It’s sad to say but I think I’ve let myself go and I don’t know that I have the energy to recover right now. I’m just tired. I look like a huge, super pale white woman with a beard, white hair and puffy eyes. It’s like something out of a horror movie. I didn’t even mention anything about my feet. I can’t remember the last pedicure. Any day now I think my heel may cut a hole in my shoe. Heck when was the last time I purchased a bra? Wow…throw nipples touching your toes into the bearded lady description. How do you let things get this far? It was so easy. I seriously believe it happened overnight. When you make everything else more important then you kind of just disappear. Blaming 40 sounds much better though so I think I will stick with that for a while. 

The end is near

Or at least I hope so! What a freakin shit day yesterday was. As we dropped my sons car off to be repaired I gave the man at the counter the “you better not screw me over” look. It included the two fingers pointing at my eyes and then at his. I see you guy. We both know this is covered under warranty and my week has been shit so don’t mess with me. That went over real well. We were there when the place opened and of course he calls right before closing to let me know the car would not be ready until Friday afternoon. Thanks guy. You = awesome. Another day I get to drive the fam around. Woohoo! That means I get to stay at work super late to try and make up for the time away. Work sucked big, sweaty, lint covered balls yesterday. When I finally made it to work the chaos started. Two out sick and one with tooth drama. We had three interviews scheduled and only one showed. Oh and my old landlord called to let me know I wasn’t getting a single penny of my deposit back. I’m pretty sure I would have gone completely insane if I wasn’t at work. How does that happen? Why does that happen? They are putting the place up for sale so new appliances need to be purchased and carpet replaced. So what if I lived there 7 years and it was normal wear and tear. If they were renting it they wouldn’t have to replace those items. So a big solid middle finger to that whole thing. I leave work to pick my son up from work. Drop him off and back to work I go. I thought it would be in my best interest to stop for food on the way back so that I can enjoy a lovely dinner at my desk. So what if the skies have opened up and I can barely see out the window. I drive thru the lovely Chick fil a. Since it’s been a shit day I decide I need a shake in my life. I mean why not? My Dietbet already sucks ass so why not add on a few more pounds? A co-worker asked me to grab her a sandwich as well. Just the sandwich…why not a meal? So now I get to look like the fat ass that orders a meal and an extra sandwich. Thanks for that. No I’m not consuming all of this food. I’m sure that’s what the people at the window are thinking. Oh well…I drive back to work. Once there I swear God was dumping buckets on my car. Now I have to figure out how to hold the bag of food, my shake, an umbrella, keys and my phone. In case you are wondering it didn’t work out. Rain is coming in 20 different directions and I’m not sure why the hell I’m even trying to use an umbrella. Paper bags of food and rain don’t mix well. The bag got wet and the food was dropped. Now I’m the fat ass in the parking lot picking food up off the ground. To top it all off my boob is dipped in my shake while trying to do everything. So…I finally make it in the building with wet food, soaking wet clothes, wet shoes and cookies and cream shake on my boob. Yes…everything is awesome. I worked in the wetness until my daughter in-law got off work a few hours later. I pick her up and go home. After a few hours of sleep Friday is here and the day has started. For the love of God and all that is holy please let today be better than yesterday.