Today is that day

You know the one where you are probably at your lowest point. I tried for a moment to think of something positive about myself and totally failed. I literally hate everything about myself at this moment. Don’t worry…my crazy ass will snap out of it and will attempt to be awesome tomorrow. Today is just tough. One of my friends informed me this weekend that I needed to purchase a swimsuit. The thought of it made me ill. I haven’t owned a swimsuit in years…like 20 or so. We went to three different stores and I was just dripping with sweat. Thank God none of them had any for me to try on. I would have passed the hell out. I started heading home and of course I’m telling myself I’m a grown ass woman and I should just buy a swimsuit. It’s not that big of deal. My body is my body and I should just get over myself. I bought an Apple Watch and pie instead because that made more sense. ๐Ÿ˜ณ After I beat myself up last night I decided I would go again today to a different store. I grabbed a couple of different short sizes and they only had one top that was maybe my size. OMG! I’m so fat…there are no words to describe what I saw in that mirror. My knees look like they are sunk in. They actually look like the back of my leg if I’m being honest. It’s really, really bad. I have the largest size shorts that they have and if I gain a pound I may bust out like the Incredible Hulk. The only thing I can say about the top is I thought it was a smaller size than what it actually is because I was going based on the size on the hanger. Yeah that was an awesome discovery too. I bought it though. Now I own a swimsuit that I don’t want to wear but I will eventually. I know what you are thinking. Fat girl get off your ass and do something about it. Yeah I know…I don’t need the lecture or judgement. Tonight I will eat Oreos and work because that is the only thing I’m good at. Tomorrow is a new day…

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C210K – Week 2 โœ…

Holy hell! I just finished at the gym and wow. The amount of sweat dripping off my ass is ridiculous. ๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธThis week didn’t go as I had planned. I’m not sure how I convinced myself that it would. I had hoped to cover two weeks of workouts in one week but I had a few challenges. One day all of the equipment at the gym wasn’t working. I’m guessing it was an electrical issue but who does that happen to? Then there was the bean delay. Yeah you don’t want those details. ๐Ÿ˜ฌ Oh and apparently I can’t count because I thought I could take a day off not realizing that had already happened on the equipment issue day. So…I’m hoping to complete week 3 on Sunday. As long as I go Friday-Sunday it can totally happen. The workouts are getting more interesting with longer “run” times. I like it though. I also like the fact that I’m the only person in the gym so if I happen to fall then it’s between the cameras and I. ๐Ÿ˜Š Here is the badge for this week. Clearly they know the athlete in me is buried deep right now. ๐Ÿ˜‚

Couch to maybe 10K

Last week I decided enough was enough (again) and I decided to do the couch to 10K (again). Yes I completed it the first time and injured my foot which led me down this rabbit hole of crazy. Anyway…I needed to do something and at least this will provide me with some sort of plan. I’m not going to run this time. It is walking and then walking faster in the parts where I’m supposed to run. I’m sticking with the treadmill. I don’t want to think about my foot while I’m walking and I’m hoping this will help it in some way. I don’t think it is possible to get to the 10K distance in the allotted time with my current walking speed. I’m totally fine with that. My goal really isn’t to make it to the 10K right now. My goal is to simply exercise on a consistent basis with this app helping me to push myself to walk faster then I normally would. Baby steps…that’s what I’m focusing on. I don’t want to get overwhelmed with the details. I believe everything will eventually come together and I will reach the 10K distance. I just may have to repeat the app a few times. ๐Ÿ˜Š My first week hasn’t been the greatest. It actually took me a week and a day to complete the first week of workouts. There are only 3 so that should tell you how pathetic it was. Too much work, bubble guts and tire drama were the excuses I used. It’s only 30 minutes three times a week right now so seriously…there really isn’t a good excuse. I just suck at focusing on me and taking care of myself. That has to change or I will just keep repeating the same things as you can clearly see in all of the blogs. At some point I have to slay the dragon. Let the games begin! After a pathetic week 1 I received the determination badge. Clearly I wasn’t determined but now I am. I’m going to attempt to double up and do two weeks of workouts in one week since it is only 3 days a week on the app. I’m not sure how that will work out but that’s the plan for now. Tomorrow will be day one of week 2. Wish me luck!

Day 5, 6, 7? ๐Ÿ‘Ž๐Ÿป

Yes it’s sad but true. I’ve lost track of the number of days and it’s only been a week….I think. There was no workout on day 5 or 6. Unfortunately I allowed work to take over my life. I had good intentions. I packed my bag but just didn’t see it thru. I was determined to finish the first round of the 2019 budget and I’m happy to report that I did. Now I just have to brace for the changes. Those will need to be completed this week. Day 7…I’m guessing that was today. I didn’t work out but I also decided to take the day off from work too. I haven’t had a day off since my son left so I need this one. I needed to do laundry and go shopping. The plan is to take my lunch at least a couple of days and to attempt to avoid Starbucks. We will see how that works out. I also finally got a haircut. I’m ashamed to say it has been a year since the last one. It is funny how much you ignore when you don’t look in the mirror. I was totally okay with ignoring the full beard, unibrow, mustache and bad hair until I saw it. It was a serious situation. I’m pretty sure I had a handlebar mustache. I can’t wait to see if the laser hair removal thing works. I need it to work because clearly I’m okay with looking crazy. This week didn’t go as I had planned or hoped but I did manage to learn and accomplish some things. Next week I will attempt to be awesome again. ๐Ÿ’ช๐Ÿป๐Ÿƒ๐Ÿผโ€โ™€๏ธ

Day 1 again, again, again

Today is day 1 for the million time. I guess that’s what happens when you quit and have to start again. Life has not been fun. I’m currently working 4 jobs and being paid for 2. I’m not sure what the right words are to describe how I’ve been feeling. Suffocation. Anxiety attack. Your neck hurts from looking down all of the time because the man is oppressing you. It’s like 5000 bricks are being placed on your shoulders. They hurt and it’s heavy. Claustrophobic. There is no escape. Failure. There is no way to accomplish everything or even anything at this point. I’ve got over 200 emails in my inbox and deadlines that will never be met. I go to work knowing I will lose, failure will happen and I will let people down. Today though..today is day 1. Last week was processing week for my son at bootcamp. This week the fun really begins for him. He asked what we were going to change while he is away. After all he is going thru a pretty intense time right now. I said I was going to lose weight and save money. I’ve learned that I need to set simple, very short term goals for myself. I haven’t been walking or to the gym in a very long time. I just wanted to do one of those things today. I woke up late so I packed a bag to go walking after work. For a moment I attempted to make excuses. I have an impossible deadline that I know I’m not going to meet. I was like that’s right…I’m not going to meet it. It doesn’t matter if I work several more hours or quit now. I’m not going to meet the deadline. Go walking! That’s exactly what I did. I pray that I’m strong enough to do the same tomorrow.

Superpowers

Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps Iโ€™m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally donโ€™t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.

Always waiting…

I’m pretty sure I’m one of the recent blogs if not the last one I said I was done waiting for people. Well…that was a lie. After the last post I went to the gym the next day and actually got my time down to a little over 30 minutes. The next day was going to be a rest day and then the excuses started to happen again. Someone was supposed to go with me and I just kept waiting for them to show so that we could go. I even moved the start time later and still nothing. I kept telling myself they needed my help and if I didn’t wait for them then they would never go. Well…the joke was on me because we never made it back to the gym. Last night I finally told them I was tired of waiting. I was leaving with or without them in the morning. It’s so hard to be selfish and put yourself first. You can’t save the world if you can’t save yourself. I guess I thought I could motivate someone but I really just ended up losing my tiny progress. So…time to reboot again. If they want to go they will go. I have to focus on me right now. I waited five extra minutes this morning and then decided to go to the gym without them. I’m so glad that I did. I’m walking very slow but at least I’m there. I’m not really focused on time or distance at this point. This morning I just walked until I wanted to stop. I signed up for a yoga class last night as well. The class starts in January. I’m super pumped about learning yoga. I’m hoping between the gym and yoga I will be less stressed, happier and healthier. A girl can dream ๐Ÿ˜Š