Yes it’s sad but true. I’ve lost track of the number of days and it’s only been a week….I think. There was no workout on day 5 or 6. Unfortunately I allowed work to take over my life. I had good intentions. I packed my bag but just didn’t see it thru. I was determined to finish the first round of the 2019 budget and I’m happy to report that I did. Now I just have to brace for the changes. Those will need to be completed this week. Day 7…I’m guessing that was today. I didn’t work out but I also decided to take the day off from work too. I haven’t had a day off since my son left so I need this one. I needed to do laundry and go shopping. The plan is to take my lunch at least a couple of days and to attempt to avoid Starbucks. We will see how that works out. I also finally got a haircut. I’m ashamed to say it has been a year since the last one. It is funny how much you ignore when you don’t look in the mirror. I was totally okay with ignoring the full beard, unibrow, mustache and bad hair until I saw it. It was a serious situation. I’m pretty sure I had a handlebar mustache. I can’t wait to see if the laser hair removal thing works. I need it to work because clearly I’m okay with looking crazy. This week didn’t go as I had planned or hoped but I did manage to learn and accomplish some things. Next week I will attempt to be awesome again. 💪🏻🏃🏼♀️
How is it possible to feel so many different emotions within minutes? I realize that may sound a little crazy. When I started my walk I was proud that I was actually doing it. Another day without excuses. There was a sense of freedom too. I’m not currently wearing a Fitbit so I’m not tracking my steps and neither is anyone else that I’m connected to. I haven’t even weighed myself. Part of me didn’t want to get caught up in how many pounds I lost. I just want to feel better. Then fear starts to set in. I keep thinking about each step and whether or not I will fall down. I start to watch my feet as I walk. My previously injured foot started to hurt because I’m walking in an awkward way. I keep obsessing on which way my foot is rolling and if I’m messing my foot up. As I’m looking down I notice my large stomach. Disgust sinks in and then I start to beat myself up about the way I look. What am I doing? Is this walk really going to make a difference? The crazy just keeps going for almost the entire time. I then start thinking about the weather and how extremely hot it is outside. I’m determined to finish what I started. Then I breathe in a big sign of relief when I see my car. Yes! Celebration occurs because I’ve made it to the finish line. Does anyone else do this? It’s like a crazy rollercoaster that I can’t escape. Hopefully as I continue to walk I will start to feel better. I would assume if you feel better then you are more likely to have positive thoughts. 🤷♀️
Today is day 1 for the million time. I guess that’s what happens when you quit and have to start again. Life has not been fun. I’m currently working 4 jobs and being paid for 2. I’m not sure what the right words are to describe how I’ve been feeling. Suffocation. Anxiety attack. Your neck hurts from looking down all of the time because the man is oppressing you. It’s like 5000 bricks are being placed on your shoulders. They hurt and it’s heavy. Claustrophobic. There is no escape. Failure. There is no way to accomplish everything or even anything at this point. I’ve got over 200 emails in my inbox and deadlines that will never be met. I go to work knowing I will lose, failure will happen and I will let people down. Today though..today is day 1. Last week was processing week for my son at bootcamp. This week the fun really begins for him. He asked what we were going to change while he is away. After all he is going thru a pretty intense time right now. I said I was going to lose weight and save money. I’ve learned that I need to set simple, very short term goals for myself. I haven’t been walking or to the gym in a very long time. I just wanted to do one of those things today. I woke up late so I packed a bag to go walking after work. For a moment I attempted to make excuses. I have an impossible deadline that I know I’m not going to meet. I was like that’s right…I’m not going to meet it. It doesn’t matter if I work several more hours or quit now. I’m not going to meet the deadline. Go walking! That’s exactly what I did. I pray that I’m strong enough to do the same tomorrow.
Okay I will be the first to admit that I can be super dramatic at times. I mean I did google life alert after I fell down. What? I was curious if there was some sort of age requirement. I’m only 41 but clearly have a falling issue. What if I’m slower and slower to get up with each fall? I’m just saying that fashionable life alert necklace may come in handy one day. Anyway…I like to read the news before I fall asleep. That may not make a lot of sense considering it is scary as 💩. There are a 1000 articles about what will happen if you eat or don’t eat this or that. As I’m skimming thru I see one that says my pillow can affect my health. My pillow? Really? That’s where we are? The only way I can see it affecting my health is if I was being smothered by it. I thought I was being “healthy” by not drinking regular soda. I had heard that diet soda causes cancer. Well apparently so does Coke Zero. They just change the formula people. Haven’t you seen the commercial? I’m pretty sure cancer causing stuff was taken out of the new version. Lettuce is making people sick now. Is anything safe? Baby powder causes cancer. Isn’t that nuts? Don’t sleep on your side, back or stomach. I bet there is something about each position that will cause hives. Do you have a microwave? Yeah you are going to hell. 😂 I’m just kidding. It’s insane the amount of stuff we are warned about now. I want to be a kid again where I can run around barefoot, eat mud pies and drink water from the water hose. I did all of that and was rarely sick. In fact I never stayed a night in the hospital until I was pregnant. That’s right…I’m a healthy fat chick. Well except for that weight and blood pressure thing but whatever. 🤦🏼♀️ I can’t handle the crazy. I’m going to bed before the world ends.
Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps I’m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally don’t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.
It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.
I must admit I stayed in bed an extra hour this morning arguing with myself. I’m 40, obese and just had a pretty nasty fall yesterday. I stayed up later than I should have. I have a lot I need to get done today. What if I can’t walk because I’m sore from the fall? It’s cold out side. Someone needs to feed the cat. For real…how many excuses can you make up to not go to the gym? That’s right I’m 40 and obese. Sounds like more of a reason to go than not go. Yes I stayed up late but guess what I’m awake so there’s that. It’s 30 minutes…you have plenty of hours in the day to accomplish other things. Hello big girl you got up multiple times to pee already so you can walk. Oh and you were not dragging a leg so you are not that sore. You like the cold so find another excuse. He’s a cat…he has food and it’s not like it takes 5 hours to give him more. Get your big ass up and go to the gym! I did just that and it feels great! I’m bruised but not broken. No more excuses!