Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps I’m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally don’t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.
It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.
It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now.
I’ve tried and failed a million times. Losing weight can be challenging. My biggest obstacle is me. I seem to lack discipline and of course the mental side of things is not easy. This time around I thought I would try to deal with my crazy. If I could strip away the work excuses and stress and focus on being positive then perhaps I would start to see changes. It’s difficult to make changes if you are constantly beating yourself up or not putting yourself first. I’m trying to ease into it. Monday I started tracking my calories and started taking walks again. The doctor would love for me to eat 1200 calories but I think I should take baby steps. Going from eating God only knows how many calories to eating just 1200 is too extreme. I’m pretty sure I would convince myself I was dying and/or starving to death. Extreme changes do not work for me. I get frustrated and quit. I’m hoping tracking the calories will make me more aware of what I’m putting into my body. I may not eat a lot of food but the foods that I was choosing were high in calories. On Sunday we had our last “free meal”. I was shocked when I added up the calories. Just lunch was 2600 calories. Complete insanity. This is a meal that I’ve ordered several times before and did not even realize exactly what I was doing. I think being more aware and learning what the different calorie counts are for the foods that I eat will help me come up with a better plan. The walking is difficult to say the least. I’m glad I’m getting back to it but I’m super slow. I can feel the additional weight that I’ve added to my body. I keep telling myself that it will all improve soon enough. So…I’m listening to positive messages, tracking my calories and easing back into walking again. One message, step and calorie at a time.
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
Who determines what normal is when it comes to emotions? I tend to process things pretty quickly but here lately I’ve been in a funk. Depression scares me. It’s like a dark hole that can trap you before you realize it. You just fall deeper and deeper with each day. I try to work thru emotions quickly so I’m not hanging on to negative feelings. By quickly I’m not saying five minutes but I try not to waste days on something I can’t do anything about. Unfortunately for longer than I care to admit I’ve been having some challenges. I work way too much. I know that. I’ve worked at the same place almost 20 years so It’s just part of me. I ask myself often who am I? What do I like? I think those things were lost at a young age. I became a mother and wife at 17. By the time I was 19 I was a single mother of two. That became my identity. I started working at this place when I was 21. As kids aged and no longer needed me, my job became my identity. If I had a day off I would stay on the couch. Why get up if I wasn’t going to work? What else is there to do? It sounds a little crazy to be lost at my age but I am. My work life is not okay right now. Simply put…I’m not happy. In fact I’m convinced I will die at my desk if I don’t change something. Yes that’s a bit dramatic but probably accurate. I have high blood pressure and I’m fat as hell in a stressful job. I need to change something. Part of me just wants to run away. Then my logical self says that’s not fun. I’m fat…being hungry doesn’t sound like a good time. Where the hell would I run to? Who is going to pay for my car? Yeah…I don’t think running away is the answer. It makes more sense to establish some boundaries at work. Work less and figure out what I want to do in the future. Life should be about love and laughter. It shouldn’t be filled with depression, self hate and constant work. There has to be a way out of this hole. I can’t stand the darkness anymore. I’m done with depression, moved on to anger and now see the light coming thru. Who needs normal? It sounds a little boring. I want to live an extraordinary life. 😊
At this stage in the game everything wrong in my life is because I’m 40. I was going up and down stairs today and my knees were aching and cracking. It’s not because I’m obese…nope it’s because I’m 40. My shirts rolling up like a tube top…I’m 40. Bearded lady issues…yep 40. Don’t even get me started on my hair…definitely 40s fault. Big puffy eyes…you guessed it…40. It’s sad to say but I think I’ve let myself go and I don’t know that I have the energy to recover right now. I’m just tired. I look like a huge, super pale white woman with a beard, white hair and puffy eyes. It’s like something out of a horror movie. I didn’t even mention anything about my feet. I can’t remember the last pedicure. Any day now I think my heel may cut a hole in my shoe. Heck when was the last time I purchased a bra? Wow…throw nipples touching your toes into the bearded lady description. How do you let things get this far? It was so easy. I seriously believe it happened overnight. When you make everything else more important then you kind of just disappear. Blaming 40 sounds much better though so I think I will stick with that for a while.