I can honestly say I run from this word and everything about it. As a small child I watched my mother battle depression and mental illness. She took what felt like a thousand mood altering pills. It seemed like they could never level her out so there were numerous visits to hospitals. As crazy as it may sound, I have a hard time taking medication because of that experience. I read the side effects on everything and 9 times out of 10 will not take the medicine. Who wants a swollen tongue, constipation, suicidal thoughts and all of the other crazy stuff? That’s a hard pass for me. Perhaps I’m scared of losing control. How can you be scared to lose control of something that you don’t really have control over? What causes depression? Can you prevent it? Is it a choice? It can’t be right? Who would choose to be depressed? Am I depressed? I came across this quote that made me really question it. My sister tells me I’m emotionless or dead inside. I feel like every single day is Groundhog Day. I wake up, go to work and then come home. It feels like I’m not living my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. If I am depressed, how did I get to this place? Could it be a temporary thing because of all of the chaos that is happening with my life right now? Is depression like mental illness and it is with me forever? Does it require medication? Clearly I need to Doctor Google some things. I’m hoping that once things start to settle in my life I can start to focus on my mental health. I would like to believe I can overcome these challenges without medication. If not, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 😬
Have you ever felt completely alone? There are so many thoughts racing thru your mind. You recall a thousand conversations that make you feel more alone. Does anyone really care or are you surrounded by people that ask how you are but don’t wait for the answer? There are people that fake like they care. You know the ones that say call me if you need to talk but they really didn’t mean that for real. They claim to be Christian women that want to help others but really I think they just like saying it. Maybe they just want to help others like them. I don’t know. Maybe all of this is just some crazy funk I’m feeling at the moment. My life is a little upside down right now. I’m making big decisions that will totally change my life. There is no way to know what the right decision is or what the outcome will be. It’s scary. I keep telling myself to have faith and it will all work out. I believe in my heart that is true. My head though…that’s a different story. I guess it’s just making me question everything. There are people that have been in my life for over 20 years and I thought they actually cared about me. Perhaps they really were just work associates and not friends. Hell I’ve never been to their house, we don’t hang out so why would I think we were friends? Which then makes me question how many friends I really have. I’ve lived a life full of work and caring for kids. Perhaps I’ve separated myself from everyone that tries to be a friend. I don’t know. It’s late and my brain is in overload right now. Tomorrow I will be awesome. Oh and to the friend that may read this. I love you and don’t worry…I’m okay. 🤗
You know the one where you are probably at your lowest point. I tried for a moment to think of something positive about myself and totally failed. I literally hate everything about myself at this moment. Don’t worry…my crazy ass will snap out of it and will attempt to be awesome tomorrow. Today is just tough. One of my friends informed me this weekend that I needed to purchase a swimsuit. The thought of it made me ill. I haven’t owned a swimsuit in years…like 20 or so. We went to three different stores and I was just dripping with sweat. Thank God none of them had any for me to try on. I would have passed the hell out. I started heading home and of course I’m telling myself I’m a grown ass woman and I should just buy a swimsuit. It’s not that big of deal. My body is my body and I should just get over myself. I bought an Apple Watch and pie instead because that made more sense. 😳 After I beat myself up last night I decided I would go again today to a different store. I grabbed a couple of different short sizes and they only had one top that was maybe my size. OMG! I’m so fat…there are no words to describe what I saw in that mirror. My knees look like they are sunk in. They actually look like the back of my leg if I’m being honest. It’s really, really bad. I have the largest size shorts that they have and if I gain a pound I may bust out like the Incredible Hulk. The only thing I can say about the top is I thought it was a smaller size than what it actually is because I was going based on the size on the hanger. Yeah that was an awesome discovery too. I bought it though. Now I own a swimsuit that I don’t want to wear but I will eventually. I know what you are thinking. Fat girl get off your ass and do something about it. Yeah I know…I don’t need the lecture or judgement. Tonight I will eat Oreos and work because that is the only thing I’m good at. Tomorrow is a new day…
Do you ever feel invisible? Most days I feel like no one can see or hear me. Perhaps I’m just in the funk right now and am over analyzing my life as usual. I can honestly say I have no desire to speak right now. Is that odd? I literally don’t want to talk to or even text anyone. Everyone has their own life and drama going on. This right here is a pity party of one. I finally peeled myself off the couch around 4pm to pick up food. As luck would have it my order was wrong. Naturally I didn’t find out until I was back home on the couch. Oh well…just another day in the life. I’ve literally watched Netflix, Vudu and Amazon today. I’m tired of watching tv but don’t want to do anything else. I’m just existing. Alive on the couch wondering what everyone is doing but have no desire to ask them. What kind of superpower is this shit? What am I even doing? Is this depression or just pure crazy? Maybe just laziness and lack of motivation. Maybe a touch of loneliness. Pretty sure it is probably all of the above. Regardless…I need to get the fuck over it. Tomorrow is a new day…or at least that’s what I’m supposed to say.
It’s been a while since my last post. Do you ever just feel completely lost? I often think if I can fix this one area of my life then everything else will fall into place. Work has ruled my life for years. I thought that if I could stop my workaholic ways and focus more on my health that life would be better. I’m going to the gym almost daily, tried and actually enjoy yoga, working less hours and have managed to lose a little weight. All of it sounds positive but I’m somewhat being tortured at work. I knew it would be challenging since people had gotten used to me working a million hours and covering everything. If I’m being truthful I was tortured then too. It’s a place where if you win there is no celebration. They just point out another area you could have done better in. Simply put…I hate my job. I thought if I could focus on me I would be happier and it would be easier to deal with things there. I’m all about the thought process that you choose how to respond to things. I can go to the gym, do yoga and read motivational quotes but all of that quickly fades within minutes of being at work. Is it because this focus on me thing is new? Maybe I will be walking positivity after a year if I stick with it? Right now I don’t even know if I can make it thru March at that place. God knows I need to. Financially I need to stay for at least another year. Of course I would need to be incredibly smart with my money during that time to be able to leave. It’s just sad because I have been there for half of my life. I also ask myself if I did leave would I be happy? Would I kick myself for leaving? Is it just me? If I can fix me would it all be okay? Wait…I sound like I did in my first marriage. My ex-husband would mentally and physically abuse me. I kept thinking if I could change then it would stop. I think I just became numb. No matter what I did the result was still the same. It’s like I hang on thinking if I do eventually I will win. What the hell is that? Why can’t I did say I deserve better than this? I’m worth it. Maybe it’s because obviously I don’t believe that. I want to but clearly I don’t. How do you change that in someone? Do people make you feel like you are not worth it and so you just believe all of those people? I mean…why would you think you are if no one else does? Okay so maybe you are surrounding yourself with the wrong people? Or…maybe you are just fucking crazy. I don’t know…I can keep going down this hole but I have shit to do today. Time to get out of my head and accomplish some things. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Until then I will just be stuck in the crazy.
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
Apparently I’m determined to find out the answer to that question. One of my friends asked me to go to Universal Studios with her. Initially I thought this will be a perfect time to just be alone in the hotel while her and her child plays at the park. Nothing in me wanted to go to the park. I’m obese and the idea of spending 13 hours walking around did not sound appealing to me. Of course the other negative thought was about the rides. Would I be able to ride anything? It didn’t take me long to determine staying at the hotel was my best bet. That of course was before I gave myself a pep talk about getting out of my funk and how I needed to socialize. Plus I was feeling guilty about ruining my friends trip. So I decided to suck it up and buy tickets. I was going to smile and have a great time. We had a blast on the first ride. I may have made the right decision. Well that was what I was thinking until the 2nd ride. After making our way thru the longest line known to man I was stopped right before getting on the 2nd ride. The person working asked me if I had tried the seat tester. I asked him if he was serious. He said yes I needed to do it to make sure I could fit. I was devastated. It was so embarrassing. I decided against testing the seat and simply removed myself from the line. At that moment I became the bag and sweater holder. I would not attempt another ride. All I can think about now is flying in a plane. I’m going to be that person that they make buy two seats. How much more will I torture myself before I change? I’m not going to say that I’ve given up but I’m definitely tired of fighting. There isn’t anything that anyone can tell me that I haven’t told myself. I know the positive quotes….the words of wisdom. I know I’m in control of my thoughts. I know all of this is my fault. I know I’m the only person that can change it. The truth is I just don’t have the energy at the moment. Until the glorious day that I do, I will just stay in this depressing, insecure funk. I don’t want to talk to anyone and if I’m being honest I just want to be left alone. I know I can and will work thru this. It’s just taking me longer this time. Ultimately I won’t let this defeat me. This won’t be that thing. I will eventually rise again but today I surrender.