It’s been a while since my last post. I wish I could say I’ve gone thru some great transformation but that is not true. In fact, I actually have gotten worse. I’m guessing I weigh more at this moment than I have in my entire life. I stopped exercising completely. Walking to my car, getting dressed and other basic things are now difficult. I breathe heavy even with the slightest movements. There is no doubt that I’m a complete broken mess. I keep asking myself how did I get here? When did I stop caring? When did I decide I wasn’t worth it? Am I too tired to fight now? Have I completely given up? When will I die? Yes I realize that is a scary question but it is one that I’m forced to ask myself. I’m not healthy. Will that be the cause of my death? I’ve often wondered what was the moment that made someone change their life. What was the thing that pushed them over the edge? What was their breaking point? Is this my rock bottom? I don’t want to die but I definitely don’t want to live like this. I have to change….now.
It sounds great to say it. Heck it even feels good reading it. I am where I am, I look how I look and I feel how I feel because I choose to. Yes bad things happen. People get sick and tragedies occur. We are still in control of how we respond to these things. I’m sure it sounds super cheesy but for the last week I have really tried to choose my mood. Negativity is a breeding ground for more negativity. It doesn’t feel good to be negative. I’ve worked too much and let my job control my life. Twice last week I left work early to join friends for a drink. I stayed late one night and actually felt great doing it because I chose to do it. I didn’t feel all of the heaviness and stress of completing a task. I stayed because I really wanted to. I know this may sound crazy or not make sense to most people. I felt free this past week. I wasn’t stressed and snapping at people. Anytime I started to have a negative thought I would correct myself. I have a million things to be thankful for so I choose to focus on that and where I want to go instead of all of the darkness that has been surrounding me. I won’t lie and say it has been easy. It’s actually kind of scary when you start to pay attention to your negative moments and how often they occur. Little things like judging someone’s shoes. Why is that even important? It’s such a small thing but that one small negative thing turns into hatred and depression. First it’s the shoes and then you start picking everything and everyone apart including yourself. When you can recognize that then you can start to change. I knew I couldn’t do it completely on my own so I started to feed my mind positive messages. I started to read a book and have been listening to T.D. Jakes. Below are a few of my takeaways. Hopefully they will help someone like they have me.
- You will never get anyone to believe in you until you believe in yourself
- When you start running from one thing you are going to keep running from everything
- Whatever you are saying about they may be about you. Your they may be you in disguise
- If you don’t have confidence in private you won’t have power in public
- It isn’t about what you say. It is what you believe. You know all the right things to say but do you actually believe what you are saying about yourself
- These things that you believe become your vision statement
- Your unbelief is a result of something you heard. You didn’t believe you were dumb until someone told you that you were. Until you change the words in your head, your opportunities will continue to hemorrhage
- You are planted not buried. When you bury something you intend it to stay in the ground. When something is planted you intend to grow it.
- Everything is a choice
- You choose the food you eat, the clothes you wear, and the thoughts you think. You choose to be calm or restless, you choose to feel appreciative or ungrateful
- Love is a choice. Anger is a choice. Fear is a choice. Courage is a choice.
- You choose
No time. No money. Those are my go to excuses for almost everything. I don’t have money to join the gym. I don’t have extra cash to spend on the 21 day fix. Shakeology is too expensive. I don’t have time to exercise. I don’t have time to do those video workouts. I’m just too busy right now. It is hard to break the excuse habit. I’m still dealing with it now. This was supposed to be my first week of my second round of the 21 day fix and I haven’t done a single workout video. I have walked every day but Monday but I had told myself I was going to do the videos and walking. Of course the I don’t have time excuse has been used multiple times this week. If you want to change you have to make time for it. Trust me…I know what it’s like to be a single mother. I know what’s it like to be homeless, have no electricity or running water. Heck I even know what it’s like to be starving and trapped in a foreign country. Everyone has a past and their own story. Needless to say deciding to spend money on me was one of the most difficult decisions. I want to be healthier and lose weight. In order to do that I need to change my lifestyle. I was going to Starbucks or getting fast food every day for breakfast. Once I did the math it was easy to see I would actually save money by purchasing the 21 day fix and Shakeology. I’m not saying skip paying your mortgage so you can purchase these things. Financially it may not work for you. It wouldn’t have worked for me at a different time in my life. You still have to eat so just eat healthy. Walking is free. Get outside and get moving. It’s easy to throw out our favorite excuses. We keep wanting things to change but don’t put forth the effort to make it happen. I’m sure there is a rebuttal for every excuse I can come up with. I argue with myself all of the time. The truth is if it is important to you then you will find a way. I guess I should break out one of the workout videos tonight. 😬
Speaking of change…it looks like someone changed my octopus friend to be a turtle with a sidekick. Enjoy! 😊