Depression

I can honestly say I run from this word and everything about it. As a small child I watched my mother battle depression and mental illness. She took what felt like a thousand mood altering pills. It seemed like they could never level her out so there were numerous visits to hospitals. As crazy as it may sound, I have a hard time taking medication because of that experience. I read the side effects on everything and 9 times out of 10 will not take the medicine. Who wants a swollen tongue, constipation, suicidal thoughts and all of the other crazy stuff? That’s a hard pass for me. Perhaps I’m scared of losing control. How can you be scared to lose control of something that you don’t really have control over? What causes depression? Can you prevent it? Is it a choice? It can’t be right? Who would choose to be depressed? Am I depressed? I came across this quote that made me really question it. My sister tells me I’m emotionless or dead inside. I feel like every single day is Groundhog Day. I wake up, go to work and then come home. It feels like I’m not living my life. I don’t know how else to describe it. If I am depressed, how did I get to this place? Could it be a temporary thing because of all of the chaos that is happening with my life right now? Is depression like mental illness and it is with me forever? Does it require medication? Clearly I need to Doctor Google some things. I’m hoping that once things start to settle in my life I can start to focus on my mental health. I would like to believe I can overcome these challenges without medication. If not, I guess I will cross that bridge when I come to it. 😬

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Alone

Have you ever felt completely alone? There are so many thoughts racing thru your mind. You recall a thousand conversations that make you feel more alone. Does anyone really care or are you surrounded by people that ask how you are but don’t wait for the answer? There are people that fake like they care. You know the ones that say call me if you need to talk but they really didn’t mean that for real. They claim to be Christian women that want to help others but really I think they just like saying it. Maybe they just want to help others like them. I don’t know. Maybe all of this is just some crazy funk I’m feeling at the moment. My life is a little upside down right now. I’m making big decisions that will totally change my life. There is no way to know what the right decision is or what the outcome will be. It’s scary. I keep telling myself to have faith and it will all work out. I believe in my heart that is true. My head though…that’s a different story. I guess it’s just making me question everything. There are people that have been in my life for over 20 years and I thought they actually cared about me. Perhaps they really were just work associates and not friends. Hell I’ve never been to their house, we don’t hang out so why would I think we were friends? Which then makes me question how many friends I really have. I’ve lived a life full of work and caring for kids. Perhaps I’ve separated myself from everyone that tries to be a friend. I don’t know. It’s late and my brain is in overload right now. Tomorrow I will be awesome. Oh and to the friend that may read this. I love you and don’t worry…I’m okay. 🤗

C210K – Week 3 😩

Da damn today was rough. Week 3 is complete and boy did it end with a kick in the ass. Okay so maybe I’m being slightly dramatic. They increased the run portion to 3 minutes. 😳 Sure I know that is nothing for some people but for me…it was the longest 3 minutes of my life. Yeah that’s probably a lie too. I’ve given birth, I’ve waited for my son to get out of surgery and am guilty of staring at the clock at work. Three minutes was definitely longer in those situations. Plus if I’m being really honest…I’m not running no damn where. I’m walking at a speed of 3 on the treadmill and my run parts are at 3.5. That is probably slow motion to some people. My big ass is dripping with sweat and wondering when this will be easier. Baby steps…I know. Well and I didn’t die so there’s that. I can tell you that I’m not looking forward to tomorrow’s workout. They bump it up to 4 minutes of running. 😯 I should not have looked ahead. I know I’m making progress with the app but it doesn’t feel like anything is changing with my body. I still feel and probably weigh the same. 😔 Maybe it will change soon but right now I feel like I’m just going thru the motions. I suppose that is better than doing nothing though. If nothing else…I will do it for the badges. Watch out for the rising star 💫😉

Day 5, 6, 7? 👎🏻

Yes it’s sad but true. I’ve lost track of the number of days and it’s only been a week….I think. There was no workout on day 5 or 6. Unfortunately I allowed work to take over my life. I had good intentions. I packed my bag but just didn’t see it thru. I was determined to finish the first round of the 2019 budget and I’m happy to report that I did. Now I just have to brace for the changes. Those will need to be completed this week. Day 7…I’m guessing that was today. I didn’t work out but I also decided to take the day off from work too. I haven’t had a day off since my son left so I need this one. I needed to do laundry and go shopping. The plan is to take my lunch at least a couple of days and to attempt to avoid Starbucks. We will see how that works out. I also finally got a haircut. I’m ashamed to say it has been a year since the last one. It is funny how much you ignore when you don’t look in the mirror. I was totally okay with ignoring the full beard, unibrow, mustache and bad hair until I saw it. It was a serious situation. I’m pretty sure I had a handlebar mustache. I can’t wait to see if the laser hair removal thing works. I need it to work because clearly I’m okay with looking crazy. This week didn’t go as I had planned or hoped but I did manage to learn and accomplish some things. Next week I will attempt to be awesome again. 💪🏻🏃🏼‍♀️

Day 2 rollercoaster

How is it possible to feel so many different emotions within minutes? I realize that may sound a little crazy. When I started my walk I was proud that I was actually doing it. Another day without excuses. There was a sense of freedom too. I’m not currently wearing a Fitbit so I’m not tracking my steps and neither is anyone else that I’m connected to. I haven’t even weighed myself. Part of me didn’t want to get caught up in how many pounds I lost. I just want to feel better. Then fear starts to set in. I keep thinking about each step and whether or not I will fall down. I start to watch my feet as I walk. My previously injured foot started to hurt because I’m walking in an awkward way. I keep obsessing on which way my foot is rolling and if I’m messing my foot up. As I’m looking down I notice my large stomach. Disgust sinks in and then I start to beat myself up about the way I look. What am I doing? Is this walk really going to make a difference? The crazy just keeps going for almost the entire time. I then start thinking about the weather and how extremely hot it is outside. I’m determined to finish what I started. Then I breathe in a big sign of relief when I see my car. Yes! Celebration occurs because I’ve made it to the finish line. Does anyone else do this? It’s like a crazy rollercoaster that I can’t escape. Hopefully as I continue to walk I will start to feel better. I would assume if you feel better then you are more likely to have positive thoughts. 🤷‍♀️

Day 1 again, again, again

Today is day 1 for the million time. I guess that’s what happens when you quit and have to start again. Life has not been fun. I’m currently working 4 jobs and being paid for 2. I’m not sure what the right words are to describe how I’ve been feeling. Suffocation. Anxiety attack. Your neck hurts from looking down all of the time because the man is oppressing you. It’s like 5000 bricks are being placed on your shoulders. They hurt and it’s heavy. Claustrophobic. There is no escape. Failure. There is no way to accomplish everything or even anything at this point. I’ve got over 200 emails in my inbox and deadlines that will never be met. I go to work knowing I will lose, failure will happen and I will let people down. Today though..today is day 1. Last week was processing week for my son at bootcamp. This week the fun really begins for him. He asked what we were going to change while he is away. After all he is going thru a pretty intense time right now. I said I was going to lose weight and save money. I’ve learned that I need to set simple, very short term goals for myself. I haven’t been walking or to the gym in a very long time. I just wanted to do one of those things today. I woke up late so I packed a bag to go walking after work. For a moment I attempted to make excuses. I have an impossible deadline that I know I’m not going to meet. I was like that’s right…I’m not going to meet it. It doesn’t matter if I work several more hours or quit now. I’m not going to meet the deadline. Go walking! That’s exactly what I did. I pray that I’m strong enough to do the same tomorrow.

How did that happen?

Holy 💩!! Today was weigh-in day and I lost 8 pounds! Eight pounds in a week! Honestly I was dreading it. I’ve been better with working out and keeping up with my weight watchers points but I’ve also slipped a couple days. I don’t feel different and I’m still uncomfortable in my clothes. I don’t know. Maybe the scale felt sorry for me. I don’t care…I will take it! If nothing else it motivated me to go to the gym and make healthier choices at the store today. I’m hoping to buy a real yoga mat later today too. Mine was clearly made for a toddler because I’m like a giant on that thing. I’m hoping to continue yoga at least twice a week after the introductory classes end. It’s been a challenging workout but totally worth it. I’m pretty sure I just go to class to do the corpse pose at the end. Don’t judge. It’s the best. 😊 Anyway…the plan is to stick with it and continue with the gym. I know at some point I will plateau so I will have to mix it up again when that happens. I’m just happy to see progress on the scale. I’ve lost 12.6 pounds since I started Weight Watchers 19 days ago. It’s not overwhelming considering my size but it is still pretty awesome to me. Watch out 200 club…I’m coming for ya!