Most people take their anger and frustrations out on others. I apparently just continue to beat up myself. The hole just gets deeper and deeper the more I think about my failures. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be where I am with my weight. I also assumed that it would be fairly easy to drop weight in the beginning because I am so large. Maybe it would have been if I would have done things differently. I’m losing the battle and it’s totally my fault. It’s so easy to get off course, give up or come up with excuses. I start a lot of things but never seem to complete them. I’ve got a lot of dreams but never do anything to make them become reality. All of these negative thoughts just lead to bigger questions. Why am I here and what is my purpose? It’s a difficult thing to truly look at yourself. I can easily point out all of my faults and shortcomings. The list of positive things doesn’t exist. I constantly remind myself where I fall short and then set these huge goals to change things. In doing that I just further set myself up for failure because I never reach those goals. Let’s just look at my weight challenges. I was 293.6 pounds the last time I weighed. Instead of setting short term goals I went for the big one and said I wanted to be 135 pounds. Do you know how long it will take for me to reach that goal? I will give up long before it happens because it’s too far off. I do this with everything in my life. I want the prize at the end but it’s never an easy one to get to. I end up going thru the vicious cycle of beating myself up for being where I am and giving up because the goal doesn’t seem attainable. It’s hard to change how your mind works but that is exactly what I need to do. I know I can win the battle but I need much smaller goals. Goals that are attainable so that I am winning instead of beating myself up for being so far off. So…yes I would love to be 135 but that’s isn’t realistic right now. My new goal is to be 275. That is a much smaller bite so hopefully I will stick with it. Once that goal is met then I will continue to adjust it to a new goal. Hopefully this will work for me. Quitting isn’t an option.
It’s been a really tough week. I attempted to do both the videos and walking each day beginning on Sunday. That worked out until Friday. Due to technical issues I could not get the video to start. To make matters worse I ran out of my Shakeology the previous week. I rely on the Shakeology to be my breakfast each morning. Without it I fell into my old habit of picking something up at the drive thru. A majority of my other meals were not the best either. I thought perhaps if I put in the work with the videos and walking I would still come out on top. Obviously that is not true because I gained yet again. It boggles my mind how quickly I gain weight and how it feels like it I’m so slow to lose it. Today I feel defeated for sure. Don’t worry it will only last a short amount of time. I know if I allow it to take over then I will give up. Quitting is not an option for me. I guess I never thought the battle for a healthier me would be so tough. I assumed since I’m so large that the weight would just fall off if I exercised. I didn’t think it would be easy but I didn’t think the fight would be so hard. I guess I just need to reevaluate everything. Perhaps instead of focusing on the long term goal so much I need to set shorter goals. I should really stop trying to have the best of both worlds with my meals. I can’t drink queso and eat pies and expect to lose weight. I’m disappointed in myself for even thinking that was an option. That door needs to be closed and cemented shut. I can do this. I know it. I’m not meant to be obese and unhealthy. I have the tools to win this battle it’s just up to me to use them.
I finally started another round of the 21 day fix on Sunday. As you can see my shameful week of horrible eating caused a weight gain since the last weigh-in. I’m not sure why I continue to torture myself like that. I think part of it is me trying to figure out what works and how far I can push the boundaries. Yes I realize that’s a little crazy but that’s me. Needless to say I decided to attempt to finally do both the videos and walking each morning. I have to wake up super early but that doesn’t really bother me. I would rather rise early and go to bed early. Maybe it’s just me getting older. Sunday’s video was the full body cardio fix. I would never say the workout was easy but on week 3 of my first round I could feel myself improving. Because I haven’t done the videos in so long it was like I was back at the first day again. It was super tough for me. Suck it up buttercup. This is the bed I made for myself so I might as well deal with it. After the painful workout I went for a long walk. I won’t say that my body felt great but I felt great. I had accomplished something that I wasn’t sure I could. Today was the upper body fix. My lower body was aching from the previous day. I wasn’t sure how today would turn out but I was determined to stick with the plan. My upper body was like jello and my lower body was stiff. I was a complete hot mess. That didn’t stop me from pushing thru and going on another walk today. Please understand when I say walk I mean really slow motion walk. I’m by no means a power walker. I’m more of an ADD walker. I can be easily distracted by anything. Oh those leaves are so pretty and big. Wow look at that reflection in the lake. Where are clouds? Why am I walking so slow? It just keeps going. My mind and eyes are constantly entertained by my surroundings and thoughts. Once I get to the beach or a peaceful place I just stand there and take it all in. My body may ache but I’m in heaven. I’m not sure if I will be able to stay consistent with the walking and workouts but I would like to for at least a week to see if there are any differences with the scale. Fingers crossed a miracle happens. Wish me luck!
So last week my eating wasn’t completely horrible but this week I’ve lost my mind. I’m drinking queso and chasing it with ice cream. Okay that’s a bit extreme but it’s pretty darn close. There was a queso episode and I have 3 different types of ice cream in my freezer right now. Just for the record I did not purchase the ice cream nor have I eaten it yet. It just stares at me every time I open the freezer. We went from a clean eating household to junk overnight. I can definitely tell the difference this week. My Shakeology shakes are still super yummy but I feel like what I’m eating is working against the shakes. I don’t seem to have as much energy as I did before. Our biggest mistake this week was that we didn’t go grocery shopping so we have eaten out quite a bit. It was by no means healthy and the portion sizes have been out of control. Contrary to popular belief…eating healthy meals cooked at home is way cheaper than eating out. You save money and you feel so much better. Somehow I need to turn this around. I’m off the next few days so I’m going to get in as many steps in as I can and definitely will make my way to the store. Time to clean out the junk again and replace it with healthier choices.
Today was the dreaded weigh-in day. I think I would dread it regardless even if I knew I lost weight before getting on the scale. I know it doesn’t matter what number appears it will be a long time before I see a number that I want to see. So needless to say, I hate the scale. Regardless of those feelings I will say I smiled a little after stepping off the scale this morning. I lost another 5.3 pounds! Holy mash potatoes batman!! How in the heck did that happen? I continue to drink Shakeology daily. That’s the only thing I’ve stayed consistent with. I’ve walked at least 30 minutes 5 days a week. Other than that I’ve tried to continue eating healthy but have ventured off the 21 day fix plan with a few items. It hasn’t been horrible but I could eat better. I could also eat worse so I think I will celebrate this win. 👍🏻👊🏻🎉 The week ahead will be interesting. Hopefully I will find a way to get back on track with the videos and continue walking. Wish me luck!!
I know it’s super easy to look at others and pass judgement. Do you ever look at yourself and do the same? I do it all the time. I constantly reflect on things I’ve said and done. There is usually a great debate about the person I am and want to be. It’s a time when I recognize where I’ve fallen short and try to understand why. Then I decide how I will move forward. This past week was another week of not working out to the videos. I had the best intentions to do them and walk daily but I seem to run out of time. I did manage to walk every day but Monday. I did cheat a little bit with a couple of meals but I stuck with drinking my Shakeology shakes daily. Needless to say I’m a little scared of the scale tomorrow. Considering this is my second week of workout failure I know I need to change something. I wake up super early to go walking but I spend a little too much time at the beach. I can’t help it…sunrise is so beautiful and the beach is so peaceful. I get lost in my thoughts there for sure. By the time I make it home I’m rushing to get ready for work. The sad part is that I’m not rushing because I’m late. I’m rushing because I want to get to work as early as I can. Once at work I stay later than I should. By the time I get home I’m eating dinner late and I’m just blah. We watch one or two shows and then I’m off to bed. I repeat the same thing each day. After my lovely self evaluation I’ve determined that I’m a workaholic that allows work to rule my life. I’ve carved a very small piece of my day out for me and the rest is dedicated to work. My day at work dictates the person that I am at home. It’s impossible to separate the two. If you have a bad day at work then you are going to take it out on your loved ones at home. You may not yell at them but if you withdraw because you don’t want to be bothered then you are still impacting them. I work more hours than is required. I think my fear of letting others down drives that bus. The sad part is I don’t realize that I’m letting myself, my family and friends down. I will never be the healthiest version of me if I continue down my same workaholic road. I know that if I feel better I will be a happier person which everyone around me would benefit from. Nobody likes hanging around with the angry fat chick. Moral of the story…I need to make changes to my work schedule and start focusing on the things that are really important. It’s going to be super hard to break this habit but I have to change. Living a life ruled by work really isn’t much of a life.
Holy mash potatoes batman!! I dread getting on the scale. It’s like a weekly confirmation of how I have failed myself. I really dreaded it today because I haven’t done a single workout video this past week. I walked almost every single day except for rainy Monday and well Hallmark held me hostage yesterday. I love those Christmas movies. Anyway…I still faithfully drank Shakeology each day and continued to eat healthier. Well…except for that twizzler episode. Needless to say it was not a perfect week but there was an attempt at doing the right thing. I had convinced myself with all of the walking I had lost maybe a pound or just stayed at the same weight. Insert drumroll here…I lost 4.8 pounds! Hmmm I wonder if I would have lost more if I would have done the workout videos and walking. I guess there is still time to figure that out. 😊 Oh and in other exciting news…I finally hit 10k steps in a day. It only happened once in the past week but I will take it. I haven’t reached 10k in a very long time. I’m so happy to see progress happening and will try not to beat myself up too much playing the what if game. It will never be easy and I’m sure there will always be more that I can do. As long as I don’t quit, I will win this battle.