At this stage in the game everything wrong in my life is because I’m 40. I was going up and down stairs today and my knees were aching and cracking. It’s not because I’m obese…nope it’s because I’m 40. My shirts rolling up like a tube top…I’m 40. Bearded lady issues…yep 40. Don’t even get me started on my hair…definitely 40s fault. Big puffy eyes…you guessed it…40. It’s sad to say but I think I’ve let myself go and I don’t know that I have the energy to recover right now. I’m just tired. I look like a huge, super pale white woman with a beard, white hair and puffy eyes. It’s like something out of a horror movie. I didn’t even mention anything about my feet. I can’t remember the last pedicure. Any day now I think my heel may cut a hole in my shoe. Heck when was the last time I purchased a bra? Wow…throw nipples touching your toes into the bearded lady description. How do you let things get this far? It was so easy. I seriously believe it happened overnight. When you make everything else more important then you kind of just disappear. Blaming 40 sounds much better though so I think I will stick with that for a while.
Or at least I hope so! What a freakin shit day yesterday was. As we dropped my sons car off to be repaired I gave the man at the counter the “you better not screw me over” look. It included the two fingers pointing at my eyes and then at his. I see you guy. We both know this is covered under warranty and my week has been shit so don’t mess with me. That went over real well. We were there when the place opened and of course he calls right before closing to let me know the car would not be ready until Friday afternoon. Thanks guy. You = awesome. Another day I get to drive the fam around. Woohoo! That means I get to stay at work super late to try and make up for the time away. Work sucked big, sweaty, lint covered balls yesterday. When I finally made it to work the chaos started. Two out sick and one with tooth drama. We had three interviews scheduled and only one showed. Oh and my old landlord called to let me know I wasn’t getting a single penny of my deposit back. I’m pretty sure I would have gone completely insane if I wasn’t at work. How does that happen? Why does that happen? They are putting the place up for sale so new appliances need to be purchased and carpet replaced. So what if I lived there 7 years and it was normal wear and tear. If they were renting it they wouldn’t have to replace those items. So a big solid middle finger to that whole thing. I leave work to pick my son up from work. Drop him off and back to work I go. I thought it would be in my best interest to stop for food on the way back so that I can enjoy a lovely dinner at my desk. So what if the skies have opened up and I can barely see out the window. I drive thru the lovely Chick fil a. Since it’s been a shit day I decide I need a shake in my life. I mean why not? My Dietbet already sucks ass so why not add on a few more pounds? A co-worker asked me to grab her a sandwich as well. Just the sandwich…why not a meal? So now I get to look like the fat ass that orders a meal and an extra sandwich. Thanks for that. No I’m not consuming all of this food. I’m sure that’s what the people at the window are thinking. Oh well…I drive back to work. Once there I swear God was dumping buckets on my car. Now I have to figure out how to hold the bag of food, my shake, an umbrella, keys and my phone. In case you are wondering it didn’t work out. Rain is coming in 20 different directions and I’m not sure why the hell I’m even trying to use an umbrella. Paper bags of food and rain don’t mix well. The bag got wet and the food was dropped. Now I’m the fat ass in the parking lot picking food up off the ground. To top it all off my boob is dipped in my shake while trying to do everything. So…I finally make it in the building with wet food, soaking wet clothes, wet shoes and cookies and cream shake on my boob. Yes…everything is awesome. I worked in the wetness until my daughter in-law got off work a few hours later. I pick her up and go home. After a few hours of sleep Friday is here and the day has started. For the love of God and all that is holy please let today be better than yesterday.
Plan K was successful on Monday. Well at least for the workout side of things. Unfortunately Tuesday and Wednesday was a complete fail. Thursday isn’t looking too positive either. The short version is my sons car started to overheat about an hour before I was suppose to meet my friend at the gym. I had to follow him to a car place and leave his car there so that they could work on it the next morning. Since I now have the only car I got to play chauffeur. After talking to some people we decided to pick his car up Wednesday morning and take it to a dealership. It’s too new to be overheating. Surely it is covered by warranty. My luck it will be that one thing that isn’t. Anyway….we didn’t make it to the dealership because his boss called him into work. That’s right…I’m still the lucky chauffeur and no gym time is happening. We will try again tomorrow. Chances are I will have to drop the car off and I will continue to be the driver. Work is chaotic and so is life right now. Hopefully next week will be my week.
Plan K was not a complete success. I had planned to go shopping yesterday after work but of course I worked too long. By the time we finished with dinner it was close to 9pm. Needless to say my eating was crap today but I did manage to leave work at 5pm to go to the gym. Of course I went back to work nice and ripe after the gym. I’m sure I was loved by many. I think my nastiness will help me leave at a decent time. 😊 Tonight I decided it was better to go to the store before dinner or else I may not go. I didn’t get everything I need but at least I have a few healthy snacks. My friend and I have decided to order meals from this clean eating place. We are going to try and eat them for lunch during the week. Unfortunately that won’t start until maybe next week. Until then I will try to punt my way thru this week. Eating healthy is probably my biggest hurdle. If I can conquer that beast then maybe I will finally see a difference in my weight loss journey. Fingers and toes crossed that I will work this out. I may have a thousand plans and be on an emotional roller coaster but at least I’m not giving up. 😁
I’ve made so many plans to become healthier and work less but nothing has worked out yet. If it did work out, I didn’t stick with it. It’s super hard to win when you are fighting against your own stubborn self. So…I’ve come up with a new plan. Work sucks right now and that isn’t going to change anytime soon. I’m going to have to work a lot of hours but perhaps I can take better control of my day. I’m still going to get to work early in hopes that I will be able to leave before dark. Breakfast will be oatmeal or a shake at my desk. I will try to meal prep today so that I can bring a healthy lunch to eat at my desk. I will leave at 5pm to go to the gym. After the gym I will return to work and have a shake for dinner. So basically I’m leaving work before dark but coming back. 😊 It may not be the healthiest plan but it has to be healthier than what I’m doing now. Tomorrow the fun begins. Wish me luck!
I’ve been working a lot and things seem to keep getting worse. This week I tried to limit myself to 12 hours a day. I failed. I didn’t make it to the gym any day, I ate every meal at my desk and I may snap if one more person tells me how tired I look. I’m taking one day off a week and on that day I just want to breathe. I don’t want to see anyone, talk or do anything. It sounds depressing but it’s the only escape I have from the rest of the chaos. I’m so tired. I feel like each day is a fight and I’m just trying to survive. This can’t be how I’m supposed to live for the next five months. Let’s not even talk about my health. I’ve avoided the scale but I have to weigh in soon for my Dietbet. I already know it’s not going to be pretty. You can’t eat fast food, not go to the gym and expect to lose weight. So…what do I do? I finally went to the gym today and I started to swell up. I’m not talking a little bit of swelling either. My hands looked like the Nutty Professor. Who does that? Of course the fat girl would be allergic to the gym. It makes total sense. I’m supposed to meet my friend again tomorrow so we shall see what happens.
Have you ever questioned everything? Are your friends your friends? Are you consumed with what people think? Do you feel like you’re constantly failing? I know all of this sounds crazy and I’m sure I’m just feeling this way because of how chaotic my work life is right now. It’s difficult to know who to trust and if you are making the right decisions. A very large part of me just wants to walk away. I’m just tired. There is so much work and no matter how many hours I work I still feel like I will never get ahead. I’m doing too many jobs and doing them all poorly. There isn’t a light at the end of this tunnel. If there is it is months away. I’m trying really hard to mentally prepare myself for what is to come but it seems to be a daily struggle to keep focused. I find myself playing the if they do this then I quit game. That’s not who I am. I am not a quitter nor do I give ultimatums. I feel the bags growing under my eyes. My neck has been tightening up a lot here lately. I keep rolling it around looking for relief. Then I start to go crazy thinking I’m about to stroke out. How can I get back into the routine of walking and exercising when I feel like every moment I’m awake I should be at work? Then I wonder what the hell am I doing it all for? If I was to die tomorrow what would I be remembered for? My guess would be that I worked a lot. Somehow I need to snap out of this funk. I need to figure out my priorities and what’s important. This lost feeling isn’t working for me.