Another Reboot

Well….it’s been a while since my last confession. There are actually a couple reasons why I’ve avoided blogging. I try to avoid myself when I get in the funk. My thoughts tend to spiral out of control and the self hate is on full blast. One thought leads to another and another and another until you start to wonder why you are on the planet. I left a job I had been at for a long time in hopes of discovering myself somehow. I was going to learn so much, lose tons of weight, travel, get an awesome job and gain so many great friends. That’s the lie I told myself anyway. It seemed like one thing after another got in the way. I lost about 30 pounds but ended up finding 10 of it again. I saw a few places but didn’t knock off hardly anything that was on my list. I struggled to find a job and when I did I was laid off due to the COVID-19 drama. I’ve applied for anything you can imagine. There were very few calls for interviews. When there were interviews…let’s just say that isn’t my strong suit. Apparently years of working does nothing for me. Most places require a degree. Rejection after rejection has done a number on my already wounded self esteem. I finally started to get some traction but background checks were necessary. A friend suggested I delete this blog. I couldn’t bring myself to do that. God knows I’ve thought about it several times but always talk myself out of it. I decided I would make it private and just put it on hold. I don’t know how the background checks work but I figured if it was private and I wasn’t posting anything then I would be okay. I was finally offered a couple of jobs. 🙌 I picked the one that made the most sense financially and for work/life balance. I start tomorrow! I’m trying to view this as a total reboot. I need to get healthy and exercise more as well. Why not start everything at the same time? New job, healthy meal prep and a workout schedule should do the trick or at least I hope so. I desperately need to develop a routine for everything before I go completely nuts. I feel like I’ve wasted so much time already. The past is the past and tomorrow is a new day! Say a little prayer for me. 🤗

Stalking Amazon

What else do you expect me to do during this quarantined time? You know we have reached another level when I’m excited about getting a treadmill. I’ve been stalking Amazon to see if it has been shipped yet. Today is the 12th and I’m supposed to get it on the 17th. Why hasn’t it been shipped? They are going to move the delivery date. 😬 Have you seen my big ass? This is essential. This quarantined diet life is no joke. Okay…it’s really the same as my regular life but this is an opportunity to have another excuse. Don’t look so shocked. You know you are doing it to. 🤣 Just in case you are wondering…I’ve decided I’m going to be so awesome when this thing arrives. Well…maybe not when it arrives. Apparently I have to put it together and that could take months. I totally would have paid someone to do it for me but damn Coronavirus is in the way. I’m thinking we could have totally negotiated that though. You put it together downstairs and I will stay upstairs. Problem solved. Too bad that wasn’t an option. I’m regretting the realness of my online dating profile right now. I should have totally used old pics to trap an internet boyfriend. Our first time meeting could have been a team building experience putting the treadmill together. I could have lied and said I gained 100 pounds while quarantined. Those were my pre-quarantined pics. 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure that would have worked out. 😂 Oh the drama! Maybe some wise man will look past my white hair, saggy boobs, and the fact that I hadn’t showered or shaved before taking those pics. Hmmm or I could just create another profile. Insert evil laugh here 😈

I almost died

Yes that may be a little dramatic. I went on my first hike in a hundred years yesterday. I thought I was being really smart about it. I downloaded an app, filtered for easy hikes and figured the 2.2 miles would be okay. Never in a million years did I think the easy hike would be not so easy. I probably should have thought it out a little more. It’s easy to someone that it is used to hiking and isn’t knocking on 300 pounds. First of all…I’m clumsy. I will fall walking on a flat surface. This was dirt, rocks and not level. What in the actual fuck was I thinking? I know exactly what I was thinking. It is only 2.2 miles and I want to see a waterfall. There was definitely sketchy parts along the trail. We saw the leg of a poor deer and what appeared to be a creepy cave. Whatever it was didn’t like deer leg. It was like it was broke off and left as an example. 😳 You win cave dweller. Keep it moving people. It felt like the longest hike ever. We eventually made it to the waterfall. It was tiny but still a beautiful waterfall. I think I was more thankful for the bench so a big girl could sit and catch her breath. My heart was beating out of my head. It was time to head back and I was so worried. There were steep areas with loose sand and crazy looking steps. I thought going back was going to be dangerous and take a long time with my baby steps. It actually went a lot quicker. I’m sure part of that was because we stopped several times on the way up to take pictures. On the way down you are just trying to leave. I’m not exactly sure how it happened but boom…big girl down. I have a scratch on my leg and tiny scratch on my palm but other than that I’m okay. At least I didn’t roll down the mountain or get taken by the cave dweller. I got up and kept moving. I really thought we were close to the end. I would get so excited when we got to each curve thinking the car would be there. The picture shows the moment I was seriously considering rolling down the hill. It felt like someone kept moving the car further away. I had it in sight and could totally roll to it. The momentum from rolling downhill will carry me up the other hill. 🤷‍♀️ I’m sure whatever was down there would have hurt worse than the fall so I decided against the roll action. We eventually made it out and to Dairy Queen for some yummy ice cream. What? I totally earned that. It was the first time in years I did over 10,000 steps in a day, I fell down and got back up. I’m not sure when my next hike will be. I’m thinking further research is needed and perhaps losing lots of weight. 😬

So…I did a thing

Perhaps I should start with the church group. I survived! They changed the topic so we won’t be discussing the family stuff for two more weeks. 🙌 That gives me plenty of time to come up with an excuse not to attend. 😂 Just kidding…it will be fine. In other news, I did some online shopping. 😳 I mean…what else is there to do when you are quarantined? I’m obese, quarantined, furloughed and adding on more pounds daily. It makes perfect sense to make a large purchase. 🤷‍♀️ So…I bought a treadmill. My luck…it won’t be delivered until the stay at home order has been lifted which just makes it a super smart purchase. 🤦🏼‍♀️ Let’s pretend it gets here sooner. That allows me more time to get faster than my neighbor before the zombie apocalypse. #goals I’m not exactly sure what I was thinking when I bought it. I can’t say it was a spontaneous buy because I researched for like two days. 😬 Maybe I’m trying to convince myself that if I see this expensive thing every single day then it will force me to use it. Besides, at this rate I need to get cute for my future stripper job so that I can pay for all this 💩. Are strip clubs essential? Asking for a friend. 🤷‍♀️

Church group

Yes my last blog was about sex toys and this one is about church. Let the judgements begin. 🤣 I personally think it is completely normal. I’m thinking it makes me a pretty balanced individual. I can literally talk about anything, be curious, weird, inappropriate, funny, and still believe in God. So…with that said let the church group blog continue. My sisterhood group meets tomorrow. I’m not going lie..I don’t want to attend. I always feel like the weird, negative one. My childhood sucked and was not the norm that most people experienced. It feels like everyone has these great stories of the wonderful people that have impacted their lives and I’m over here like everything sucked wearing my gloom and doom crown. It’s just awkward. The questions we will be discussing are themes in your family history and what was modeled to you by your mother or women of influence in regards to sisterhood. Ummm…I don’t like my family and my mother may have been one of the worst parents on the planet. Next. I’m sure that isn’t the answer they want to hear nor does it really serve any purpose. I’ve been thinking about these questions all week, what I should say, not say, or if I should even attend. I know the Bible says honor your mother and father but does that really apply to everyone? Are there exceptions? I’m not rude to them. I view them as two old people on the planet but not really as my parents. They didn’t raise me. I raised myself. I’m perfectly okay with not having a relationship with them. I don’t want to be angry but I am. I try to think about their lives and events that occurred to make them into the people that they are. I don’t really know much about my father’s life. I’m not sure what he went thru or how he became who he is. I know my mother’s story. Her life was filled with abuse and neglect. She then married a man twice her age. Her life did indeed suck. One of the things that I struggle with is understanding why she ended up putting her own children thru similar situations. Why didn’t she choose a different life for us than what she experienced? How do I get passed that anger? I think she makes it more challenging at times by stating she is my mother and I should do this or that. There are moments when I feel like talking to her is the right thing to do. She then uses almost the entire conversation to complain about how I never talk to her. It’s like a torturous hamster wheel. I don’t know what the right thing to do is anymore. I don’t know if I’m running or if I’m simply better off without them. How do you know if you are protecting or avoiding yourself? How does this end? Is there ever peace? I could legit debate this all day and still be in the same place. So…back to the church group questions that need answers. I guess the theme in my family history is abuse, neglect and survival. As far as what my mother modeled in regards to sisterhood 😬🤷‍♀️. I remember the revolving door of her friends of the opposite sex. I don’t recall her having lady friends. The way she lived her life made me okay with being alone. It’s safer that way.

Sex toys

What do you expect? It’s day whatever of being quarantined and it’s snowing outside. Yesterday I was looking at shoes because I’m still trying to convince myself I’m going to walk marathons or something. It was a beautiful day too. Today…it’s the sex toy life. I’m not even sure how I ended up there. I can admit I’m a sex toy virgin. This website is overwhelming. Who knew there were so many options? I have so many questions. Do these things come with directions? I’m assuming there are no how to videos. Seriously…some of them look strange. There are rabbits, wands, dolphins, butterflies, jiggle balls and everything else. How are you suppose to know what to get?Can we talk about how expensive they are too? Sweet mother of Pearl! That is an investment. Some of these are more expensive than the shoes I was looking at. If you do want to commit then you will have to wait. They let you know there is a delay in shipping due to unusually high order volume. 🤣 Of course there is….people are on lockdown. They are eating, binge watching, and hopefully practicing safe sex. 🤞 I’m not purchasing the shoes or the toy. Further research must be done on both. Hmmm…I wonder if a sex toy store is considered essential 🤔 😂

Sleeping with a queen

Yesterday felt like the longest day ever. Quarantined life wasn’t so bad when I was working but now it is not okay. I’ve tried to avoid binge watching during the day. I started reading a book but if I’m being honest it was short lived because I fell asleep. 😬 In an effort to be productive I play games on my phone and check social media postings every other minute. 🤦🏼‍♀️ The struggle is real. I couldn’t think of anything better than crawling into bed with some queens. Let the binge watching of RuPaul’s Drag Race begin. These queens are beautiful! I need to know details. There is some serious make up skills happening. Who knew you could do so much with it? And can we talk about the tuck? Someone said they had duct tape. What?!? No sir, ma’am, they…don’t put that there. But if you do…can someone please show that? I need to know how this tuck thing happens. One guy apparently was packing too much downtown so the tuck was a struggle. Is it a one person thing or do you have to get help to tuck? I would imagine when you first start doing it that you would need help. Maybe after that it is more flexible? 🤷‍♀️ I don’t know but I couldn’t stop watching. I will admit I was staring at their area to try and see what was going on. It was a fail…I have no clue how they do it. I don’t see how they wear those heels either. They are freakin high. I would break my face. Their stories are interesting as well. I may or may not have cried like a big baby on one episode. Don’t judge. You know you need some RuPaul in your life. I’m going to crawl in bed with those queens again tonight. Yes Queen! Work!

Dirty ass

I have no idea what a dirty ass tastes like but I imagine it is similar to this. I was furloughed yesterday so I decided I would try to walk more and eat healthier while I’m out of work. Let’s not get carried away though. I have a 5000 step goal instead of 10000 like most people. Considering I was probably averaging 2000 to 3000 daily then 5000 is a win for me. 😁 We are going to say I’m graduating to eating healthier. I had one hot pocket instead of two for breakfast. Winning. What you see in the pic is what I had for lunch. It’s almost healthy. I mean it’s kale and spinach. Yes it is creamed kale and spinach but who would eat it without the cream part? 😳 It isn’t 1000 calories but I probably should have had a cheeseburger instead. After the first bite I realize I had chosen poorly. Dirty ass all in my mouth. My breath has to be on another level right now. I had already committed though. This is lunch, there is a food shortage in the world, starving children in Africa and whatever else I could come up with to see this dirty ass to the finish line. 🤢 I survived! 🙌 Now I need to get this taste out of my mouth and reward myself for eating “healthy”. Yes jellybeans…I see you. Thank you for saving lives and ridding the world of my dirty ass breath. 😂

Zombie training

Today I begin zombie training. I’ve decided I don’t want to be eaten by a zombie when the world goes to 💩. I’ve never watched The Walking Dead but I’m pretty sure the fat zombies starve to death. Throw in arthritis and that zombie is super screwed. So I bought another Fitbit and will try to get more than 3000 steps a day. I know…it’s a big goal. I’m not trying to be a super athlete but I am trying to beat out at least one person when I have to make a run for it. 🤣 Relax…I’m only joking. I did buy a Fitbit though. I like the Apple Watch but I miss the Fitbit community. I felt alone with the Apple Watch. I need the Fitbit challenges and people checking on me when I’m not moving. Today will be day one of wearing it so we will see how it goes. I’m not setting any huge goals. I just want to do more than I was doing. I’m hoping that will continue to evolve but for now…baby steps.

Just a thought

It’s day whatever of being quarantined. Wait…let’s talk about that for a minute. Are you really quarantined? Places are open and you can leave your house. Yes I know it is just the essential business but I’m pretty sure that is every place. What has closed? You can’t eat inside the restaurant but you can still go inside to pick up your order. Home improvement and craft stores are open. You can buy a car right now if you wanted to. Regardless I’m blaming the quarantined situation for my weight gain. The thought of being controlled made me emotionally eat. So…what else do you do when you are stuck at home, your hair looks cray cray, your mind is all over the board, you need to shave and you have packed on the pounds? You think…I should totally create an online dating profile. What? That’s totally normal. 🤣 The way I see it…this may be my worst so if you like me now, boy will you love me later. It may be the craziest dating profile ever but at least it will be truthful. Don’t worry…the public is safe. It was just a thought 😉