Obviously I’ve been avoiding this whole blog thing. It’s my space to vent or just express my thoughts. Sometimes it is hard to do that when you know some of the people that may be reading it. I never want to be that person that is a burden to others. I don’t want anyone to worry about me or think less of me because of something I’ve written. It is literally how I feel at that moment and I could feel totally different five minutes later. I had a vision of how I wanted things to be and it hasn’t turned out that way. Sometimes you just want people to see or hear about the good things so they don’t worry or judge you. The ugly truth is that I’m not okay. I honestly haven’t been for a long time. I thought once I escaped my job that things would improve. I would finally take care of me and enjoy life. The truth is it just gave me more time to think and almost all of it is negative self talk. I left a job that I worked at for over 20 years and didn’t really develop relationships. I can count on one hand the people that have reached out. Clearly I didn’t have a positive impact on anyone. I went thru the motions and remained detached. Then it turns into thoughts of no one wanting to be around me. What do I bring to the table? I’m just this weird chick that worked way too much so I don’t have any hobbies or anything to talk about. I’m better off alone. I started applying for lots of different jobs. I’ve been trying to avoid doing what I did in my previous job. I’m striking out left and right. I get it…no college degree and trying to get a job in an area I have no experience. Needless to say it’s depressing and really does a number on your self esteem. I tried to volunteer at the church and a homeless shelter. Neither of them wanted me. I mean you must be a horrible person with the plague if the homeless shelter doesn’t want your help. They eventually called back but the damage was already done by the time that occurred. Most of my days are spent in my bed or on the couch watching Netflix, applying for jobs and moving the not qualified emails out of my inbox. My poor dog is rarely taken outside. Don’t worry…he is puppy pad trained. Yes I understand I’m a horrible person for that. I try to pretend it’s okay because he gets plenty of exercise the couple of days a week he goes to daycare. Yes I realize that is wrong too. I feel like I’m so far deep in this dark hole that it is impossible to pull myself out. I know that isn’t true but I think years of baggage is catching up to me. The self hate tornado is out of control. One small thing can bring up years of reminders of why I am not worthy of anything. The more that I write the less I think of myself. I’m sure you are thinking the same thing. It’s okay….remember it’s just this moment in time. I will be okay. I just need to figure out how to get there.