New workout

While changing clothes for the water class I came to the conclusion it was time to add a new workout. It’s obviously one I dread. I had hoped I would lose tons of weight so there would be less ground to cover but I think I would hate it regardless. Shaving is a workout for real. Unfortunately now that I’m in the pool all of the time shaving to the knee isn’t going to cut it. šŸ˜Ÿ When does hair stop growing? Is that a thing? I guess I will google that later. Either way, I’m looking like Chewbacca right now. I guess I will have to reintroduce myself at the next class. šŸ˜

Too much time

I’ve been pretty consistent with going to the gym every morning except Sunday is a rest day. I work out on the treadmill and then go to my water aerobics class. There are four instructors and they are all very different. My favorite announced she is leaving the gym. šŸ˜Æ Girl…you know I just got here right? She actually teaches a majority of the classes. What in the actual f*** are we supposed to do? They more than likely will not find a replacement right away. The equipment will be locked up. It will be me and a bunch of old chicks staring at each other in the pool. Hell to the no. As soon as I was out of the pool I pulled up amazon. I purchased the equipment I needed to continue my pool workouts. Oh and I didn’t purchase the double dumbbells I had been using. Oh no…I’m a beast now. Triple is the way to go. I’m on my own and a super tough guy. (And this is when you know you have too much time on your hands.) Wait…the ladies need a leader. I tell myself I could totally be a water aerobics instructor. So what if I’ve only been attending classes for two weeks. You know I googled it. After visiting a couple of websites, I decide that I can’t be an instructor. There were a lot of words and something about CPR. I just wanted to lift dumbbells in the water. Why does everything have to be so complicated? My water aerobic instructor dreams have been murdered. Damn you google. That’s okay…I will have my stuff this weekend and next week…I’m taking over the pool. Someone should totally video that chaos. Don’t worry…I’m only joking. A little. šŸ¤£

The truth shall set you free

The keto struggle is real. I want all of the pasta, bread, chocolate, pecan pie, Starbucks and everything else I’m not allowed to have. No utensils needed. I can take care of it all with my hands. It’s totally not my fault. I blame Facebook. Post one more recipe of something I can’t eat and I’m going to block everyone. I’m totally going to be that person that gets arrested for sampling all of the ice cream in the store. There would be no mix up about what I had eaten because I would be surrounded by the containers. Okay none of that is true and maybe I’m being a little dramatic. I’ve earned the right to be dramatic. My body has been deprived of a lot of yummy stuff. I keep trying to tell myself that it’s only temporary. I will lose some weight and change this diet thing up. I want to continue to eat healthy but I’m not trying to be this strict forever. Someone told me I would stop craving all of these bad things. Ummm they were wrong. I should seek and destroy. I’m sure the temporary insanity defense would apply. šŸ¤” Now I’m going to sleep and will have broccoli and cauliflower in my dreams. šŸ¤„

Struggle bus

It has officially been 2 weeks since I’ve started the keto diet. I weighed myself this morning and I’ve now lost a total of 13.2 pounds. My logical brain knows that is a lot and I should be happy. I am happy I guess. I need to understand where I lost it though. My double chin is still on full display. My clothes still fit the same. My feet haven’t shrunk. I honestly don’t feel any different. Okay that may not be totally true. I have some moments on the treadmill where I notice a difference. As far as how I feel though, I’m pretty much in the same spot I think. Then I start to tell myself I should have lost more. Is that really enough weight loss for someone my size? Am I doing enough? Do I need to work out more than I am? Should I do something different with the diet? Maybe I’m just being crazy. I guess it’s just hard to know if I’m doing the right thing or seeing the results I should be. In the mean time…I guess I will keep pushing and hope I feel the difference soon. šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø

Iā€™m fat because…

I should probably start by saying that I don’t listen to music in my car or while working out. It’s my thinking time. I do a lot of self evaluating so you have been warned. As I was walking on the treadmill I started thinking of all the reasons that people say they are fat. I like to eat. I had kids. I don’t have time. This or that hurts. I don’t believe in diets. The list is so long and overwhelming that I can’t even name them all. I’m fat because I chose to be. I honestly believe it was a choice. I made the decision to never choose me. My childhood was filled with mental, physical and sexual abuse. I was on my own early in life. It taught me to be tough and how to survive. All of the other stuff taught me that I was not important, loved or worthy. No one wanted or cared about me so why would I care about myself? I simply just tried to survive whatever life threw at me. That carried over into adulthood. Work, do the right thing, take care of the kids and get to the next day. I never even saw myself getting bigger. Part of that I’m sure is because I avoided mirrors. Once you gain a little weight you buy big clothes. You keep gaining and the clothes still fit. If you don’t pay attention to yourself then you never even notice what is happening. As my best friend Dr. Phil says…you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge. I’m not sure how to convince my 42 year old self that I’m worth it but I’m working on it. I’m attempting to put me first now. It’s not easy if I’m being honest. I’m trying my best not to sabotage myself but the mind is a tricky place. My self hate game is on another level than most. I may not have had the best childhood but at some point I have to take responsibility for my life. I chose to be fat and now I choose to become a healthier me both mentally and physically.

Another side

I made it to the gym without throwing a tantrum today. I count that as a total win! I hit the treadmill for another day of couch to 10K. It is supposed to be 3 days a week but I decided to do 6 days a week instead. Not a big deal until you lose track of days and end up doing tomorrow’s workout today. šŸ¤¦šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø How hard is it? It gives you the week and the day. How can you possibly screw that up? Well…I did it. So…I guess I will do tomorrow’s workout tomorrow again. šŸ¤·ā€ā™€ļø I suppose it doesn’t really matter as long as I’m doing something. One of my lady friends told me she works out before doing water aerobics. She said she thinks the water lowers the odds of her being sore. I’m going to consider her wise so I’ve been doing the same thing. Today was water therapy which is like yoga in the warm water. It’s slow moving but I like it. As I was changing to go to the pool I heard someone being negative in the locker room. Gym people are normally cheerful so I was shocked. I’ve trained my neck to view all details of an accident while driving by. It’s a skill that some crazy people don’t possess. You know I had to stretch my neck around the corner to see who the negative culprit was. I was all prepared to give them the stink eye. Not in here satan. Then I realized it was the instructor for the class. šŸ˜® My initial reaction was great…this is going to be a super class today. Insert all kind of sarcasm here. Her negativity continued on into the pool. There I was miss judgie (yes I get that isn’t a word and the spelling is way off if it is) knowing I’ve been in her shoes. It’s true people don’t want to be around negative people. Do you remove yourself from them? Doesn’t it make sense to learn more and see if you can be a light in their day. You could be that one person that turns it around for them and not even realize it. People are negative for a reason. In my case I felt as if I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. It was smothering me and I felt no one cared that I couldn’t breathe and was dying. It was like people just assumed that was who I was. Maybe they didn’t realize the amount of stress or how overwhelming it all was for me. Either way…I was curious why this woman was sinking in the negativity hole. What is she dealing with right now? My thoughts were interrupted by two other ladies in the class. They asked me to join them for lunch. Look at me making friends. šŸ˜‰ I changed and started driving to the restaurant. The whole way there I’m thinking about the instructor. Maybe I can bring her a gift to the next class or ask her to lunch to see if she opens up. Maybe she is lonely. Yes…a thousand more thoughts and questions. I walked inside the restaurant and the instructor joined us for lunch too! I had no idea but wow! Guess what…she isn’t a jerk. She has a 38 year old daughter with special needs. She has been having a really difficult time lately with moving and her daughters health. She shared quite a bit and I hope she found some relief with being able to vent. The ladies laughed and I’m pretty sure one thinks meth is the reason everything bad happens. It’s funny the things you hear when you stop to listen. I feel like I’ve had so many conversations that I really wasn’t present in. I’m sure that makes no sense. I was present today though. I may have been invited because they were curious about my current situation or maybe they love this big girl winning personality. I’m going with option two because one sounds negative. šŸ˜ Just be kind…you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.

Now Iā€™m naked

For a few years this has been my outlet. I would share my thoughts as if I was writing in a diary. It has been open to the public the whole time but only a couple people knew it belonged to me. I guess in my own strange way I thought maybe I could help someone that happened to come across it. We all ride our own emotional rollercoaster. We set goals and sometimes we reach them and other times we fail. We all have crazy thoughts and are curious about weird things. We all have a past that has led us to where we are now. Perhaps the majority don’t share and keep all their secrets hidden away. Maybe there is fear of judgment. Goodness knows that has been going thru my head all day. I’m human and my mind can lead me down some serious rabbit holes. What will they think? What will they say? I don’t even remember some of the things I blogged about. šŸ˜¬ I can tell you the Caitlyn Jenner one may be one of my favorite. I couldn’t help it…I was curious. Just in case you are wondering I never found out the answers so if you know, please share. šŸ™šŸ» Anyway…I suppose there is something freeing about being naked. You are exposed. There are no secrets. Anything negative someone may think of me, I can assure you I’ve already thought of it myself. I’ve probably tortured myself for years with it if I’m being honest. So…start in the beginning, the middle or the end. Enjoy, laugh, cry or call me crazy. I’m okay with nakedness. šŸ˜‰šŸ™ˆ

A sea of chocolate

I woke up this morning and did not want to get out of bed. My dreams were full of chocolate, Oreos, pie, cake and everything else I can’t have. It was so real I legit thought I cheated on the diet. I lay there attempting to feel sorry for myself while I made a list of excuses why I should just stay in bed. I’ve been trying really hard with the exercise and diet. Yes it has only been a little over a week but today the struggle was real. I decided to weigh myself hoping that weight loss would motivate me to get going. I lost another 3.2 pounds putting my total loss at 10 pounds now. Yes!! At least that’s what I should be screaming but chocolate was still consuming my thoughts. I got dressed and walked my cute puppy. Of course we were drenched by rain on the walk back. It’s raining…another excuse I can use not to go to the gym. I actually thought about that one for a minute. Then…I told myself that I lost 10 freaking pounds in a very short amount of time. Why quit now? Get your dramatic ass up and go to the gym. The old ladies will miss you if you don’t show. šŸ˜‰ I’m not going to lie…I sat in my car for several minutes when I got to the gym. šŸ˜¬ Finally I dragged myself in kicking and screaming. Pretty sure I had a toddler tantrum on the inside. I decided the pool would be a sea of chocolate. Now that I’m thinking of it again…that could be a total brown alert situation instead of chocolate. šŸ’©šŸ¤¢ I don’t think I want chocolate anymore.

Pounds, bye

I know it is only day five of the keto diet and day three of workouts but I was curious and had to weigh myself. You are not going to believe this šŸ’©! Okay let me give you the disclaimer first. It was a different scale than the one I originally weighed in on. With that in mind it may not be totally accurate but it has to be close right? Either way I’m taking the win! I’ve officially escaped the 300 pound club. I now weight 299.2 lbs. I lost 6.8 lbs! Holy cauliflower mash potatoes Batman!! So freakin exciting. I know I will hit a wall at some point and will adjust whatever necessary to continue on this path of weight loss. Wish me luck!

Insignificant

Today was pretty awesome! I had a Aqua Intervals class that was actually pretty intense. Water Therapy was about balance and Aqua Intervals was about dumbbells and moving. These ladies may be silly but they are no joke when it comes to the workouts. I’ve officially been invited to 1000 lunches with my new friends. I guess you can say they are exactly what I need right now. After the water class I decided to get my 30 minutes in on the treadmill. The struggle šŸšŒ was real. I didn’t eat breakfast and I just felt weak. I didn’t go as fast as I wanted but I completed the 30 minutes. I grabbed some lunch and then headed to everybody’s favorite store Target. I’m not sure if I blogged about buying my first swimsuit 10000000 years before the cruise last October. It was a traumatic time. I’m fat and try to avoid the mirror at all cost. Picking out a swimsuit, putting it on and then looking in the mirror to make sure it fits okay was pure torture. It was the worst day ever. I’m pretty sure I wore a dress to cover the swimsuit on the cruise. šŸ˜³ I say all of that to say I haven’t once had a second thought about how I looked in that swimsuit when I walked my chunky ass out to do these water classes. In fact, I went to Target to get more swimsuits. After all you can’t wear the same suit to class every single day. The selection is always tiny for big people. I’m pretty sure the obesity rate is rising but let’s make it difficult for them to find clothes. šŸ¤¦šŸ¼ā€ā™€ļø Whatever…I grabbed one and then headed to the active wear section. I need some clothes for all this working out. I looked around and saw nothing in my size. I asked one of the associates if they have plus size active wear. She tried to refer me to the maternity section. No girl…I’m fat not pregnant. She asked me what size and then said no they don’t have it. I told her that fat people need clothes to work out in too. She giggled and said I could order it online. Yeah I know but I would like to try it own first. Thanks for nothing girl. Thanks. If you hear about some crazy female writing a letter to Target about discrimination then you know it was totally me. Anyway…Target can’t take away my win though. Wear that swimsuit girl! šŸŠšŸ»ā€ā™€ļø