What is normal?Β 

Who determines what normal is when it comes to emotions? I tend to process things pretty quickly but here lately I’ve been in a funk. Depression scares me. It’s like a dark hole that can trap you before you realize it. You just fall deeper and deeper with each day. I try to work thru emotions quickly so I’m not hanging on to negative feelings. By quickly I’m not saying five minutes but I try not to waste days on something I can’t do anything about. Unfortunately for longer than I care to admit I’ve been having some challenges. I work way too much. I know that. I’ve worked at the same place almost 20 years so It’s just part of me. I ask myself often who am I? What do I like? I think those things were lost at a young age. I became a mother and wife at 17. By the time I was 19 I was a single mother of two. That became my identity. I started working at this place when I was 21. As kids aged and no longer needed me, my job became my identity. If I had a day off I would stay on the couch. Why get up if I wasn’t going to work? What else is there to do? It sounds a little crazy to be lost at my age but I am. My work life is not okay right now. Simply put…I’m not happy. In fact I’m convinced I will die at my desk if I don’t change something. Yes that’s a bit dramatic but probably accurate. I have high blood pressure and I’m fat as hell in a stressful job. I need to change something. Part of me just wants to run away. Then my logical self says that’s not fun. I’m fat…being hungry doesn’t sound like a good time. Where the hell would I run to? Who is going to pay for my car? Yeah…I don’t think running away is the answer. It makes more sense to establish some boundaries at work. Work less and figure out what I want to do in the future. Life should be about love and laughter. It shouldn’t be filled with depression, self hate and constant work. There has to be a way out of this hole. I can’t stand the darkness anymore. I’m done with depression, moved on to anger and now see the light coming thru. Who needs normal? It sounds a little boring. I want to live an extraordinary life. 😊

So today sucked…a lot

When I first wake up I start to think about the day ahead. I try to motivate myself and just prepare to tackle the day. I knew this morning wasn’t going to be a fun time because I had been fasting before my doctor appointment at 8:30am. Yes indeed…that means no breakfast. Apparently I like to deprive myself of water too since that may have an impact on the test. I know it doesn’t but that’s my justification damn it. The only impact it had was the nurse couldn’t find my vein to get the blood. Dehydration and blood work makes a perfect combo. Anyway…it’s one of “those” appointments I shave for the poor doctor. I mean why not? I’m thinking all of that hair had to weigh some pounds. I can’t wait to see the scale. Yeah I’m never going to say that but moving on. I make it to the doctor and climb my big ass on the scale. Awesome! I gained weight. Hello 300 pound club….again. That tends to happen when you make excuses and work too much. Next it’s time to pee in a cup. I do not have that special skill. I swear I think my pee starts going different directions when I try to catch it in the cup. Every single time the nurse only gets a couple of drops for her test. I still haven’t figured out why I have to take a pregnancy test every time I go to get my birth control shot. Clearly they think I’m a hooker or something. I’m like look at me girl. Do you really think I’m sexually active? I just shaved to come here. I’m only getting the shot because I don’t want a period every month. Anyway…then we go in the dreaded room. Blood work and the lovely Pap smear is next. πŸ–•πŸ»to both of those things. The nurse said oh you are 40 now so we add another test. WTF? She giggles and leaves the room. The doctor comes in and tells me oh you’re 40 so you get the rectal examine. WTF? I said I think my ass just tightened up. Can I get a rain check on that? Nope…okay. This is going to be great. She proceeds to tell me to scoot down until my ass is off the table. Why? Why do I have to scoot that far down? All I hear is keep scooting. Eventually she starts. Without warning of course. She decides to warn me before she does the rectal thing though. That was a bad idea. A violation occurred. That was not okay. πŸ–•πŸ»that rectal examine. Oh wait…that’s pretty literal. Never mind…after I feel completely violated she tells me oh yeah since you are 40 it’s time for a mammogram. Like hell!?!?! First a rectal examine and now I have to get my boobs flattened. I love 40. It’s my favorite. I finally escape the doctor and head to work. I run to the restroom and of course the toilet paper holder thing just happens to pop open and an entire roll of toilet paper falls into the toilet. I did what any other lazy person would do. I left it there and went to the next stall. Today is shitty enough. I don’t need to go diving for toilet paper in a public restroom. πŸ–•πŸ»that too! Work wasn’t fun either. I found out some asshole is trying to recruit someone else to do my job. Really guy? πŸ–•πŸ»you too! So as you can see, my whole improve your mental health and all will be right with the world didn’t make it to day 3. Thank God tomorrow is a new beginning. I’m done with today. 

A new plan

I’ve worked way too many hours for as long as I can remember. Yes…I am a workaholic. For years I did it to support my kids. It became my identity. At this stage in my life it is the only thing getting me out of bed or off the couch. I can’t remember the last time I went walking. Thank you Timehop for reminding me that three years ago I saw the sunrise and sunset often. If I’m being honest a big reason for it was because I led a walking group for my job. Either way I was active and enjoying my time taking pictures. I wasn’t rushing to work before sunrise to get a jump on the day. Work hasn’t been fun in a long time. I’ve got way too much on my plate and instead of being the loving, caring person that I am, everyone believes I’m a giant asshole. I’ve neglected myself and became a miserable person. I don’t like me at all. So my new plan is to try to take care of myself mentally. I need to discover what makes me happy and not pour so much of myself into my job. It’s literally sucking the life out me. I spent the last two days on the couch binge watching Netflix and eating…a lot. Tomorrow is my new beginning. I made a list of 10 things I want to accomplish before January 1st. A couple of the items may be a little silly but it’s things I’ve said I wanted to do but just keep putting off. Don’t worry…one of the items on the list is to blog at least once a week. If I’m doing other things on the list it will be more than that. I actually enjoy blogging quite a bit. Call me crazy but it’s therapeutic. 😊 Wish me luck…I think we both know I will need it.