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Overthinking

There are way too many thoughts racing thru my mind right now. As crazy as it sounds I think I create more thoughts to avoid the ones I don’t want to deal with. I tried burying everything by binge watching a tv show. I must admit it somewhat worked but I feel gross. Like I just wasted hours of my life on the couch doing nothing productive because I can’t calm my mind. It had to end at some point so this is me trying to deal with it now so that perhaps I can get some rest tonight. I wonder if anyone else tries to sabotage themselves like I do. I’ve stayed consistent with my workouts but recently my eating has taken a wrong turn. At lunch today I ate way more than I should have. It was to the point that I felt like crap with stomach pains. It was just uncomfortable and I know better. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I let myself win this battle? Is it because I don’t feel like I deserve it? The last two days of workouts I had even started looking at myself in the mirror. Just a few glances here and there but to me it was progress. I don’t know. Maybe this is all just my moment of crazy because I know that I am weighing in again in the morning. Perhaps it is the fear of not losing any weight. I can justify it if I know I ate more than I should or unhealthy things. How do I calm all of these thoughts and just take this moment by moment? Breathe. It’s only temporary. If I lost weight then I lost it. If I gained then I gained. Neither result changes the battle that I will continue to fight. I knew when I started this would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The mental weight loss battle is much more difficult than the physical one could ever be. I pray at some point I find peace and learn to love myself regardless of my size. Hopefully then my mind will relax and overthinking will be a thing of the past. 

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