How did that happen?

Today was the final weigh-in for one of my DietBets. I can honestly say I was dreading it. I had been walking and hitting the gym so much but not seeing any movement. I finally accepted the fact that the issue had to be with my eating. I did a little research on polycystic ovary syndrome and discovered there is a list of foods I should avoid. It also broke down what I should be eating and how often. I knew that PCOS made it difficult to lose weight but I never even thought there would be some sort of diet that needed to be followed with it to help lose weight. It totally makes sense and I feel a little silly for not thinking of it sooner. Oh well…you live and you learn. After learning this lesson I decided it was probably best that I do the one thing I’ve been avoiding…meal prepping. I finally went shopping and prepped my meals for the week yesterday. Apparently with PCOS they suggest you eat 4-6 times a day. Needless to say I purchased my snacks too. I kept telling myself that I wasn’t going to reach my goal for this weigh-in but damn it I would be prepared for the next one. After staring at it for a long time I finally dragged the scale out and stepped on. I could not believe my eyes! I was out of the 300 pound club and met my DietBet goal!!! I don’t know how in the heck I lost 8 pounds since Wednesday but I will take it. So stinkin excited!! Now off to conquer this week with my new diet. 😁👍🏻

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Tried and failed

Today is my 40th birthday and also my weigh-in day for my DietBet. My goal was to leave behind the 300 pound club by today. Unfortunately I did not reach that goal. It sucks. It sucks a lot actually. I’ve already worked my way through the whole emotional cycle. Yes it is that quick for me. Well if you ask my sister she thinks I’m emotionless or emotionally dead. Someone else told me that I bottle emotions up and stuff them down deep. They are convinced everything will come rushing back one day I will explode. Of course I disagree with all of it. I just have what I call flash emotions. I feel the different emotions…I just go thru them quickly. I choose not to dwell on the negative ones for very long. I was disappointment that I didn’t reach my goal. I had the slight pity party where I convince myself that I’ve done all of these things and I should be losing weight. Why even try? What’s the point? I should just give up. Blah blah blah. Then I go to the angry let me set this place on fire emotion because damn it I should be losing. And finally I get to the okay…it didn’t work out how I would like so what did I do or not do and how can I change this? After trying and failing to lose weight so many times I think I’m starting to finally learn a little more about it. I’m beginning to believe there are three things that you need to focus on to be successful. Yes this is coming from someone that has failed but it’s probably because I’ve missed one of the three things. 

  1. Deal with and defeat the mental monster that will constantly try to sabotage you and tell you what you can and cannot do
  2. Eat the right food and the right amount (yes this is where I’m failing)
  3. Exercise. Get your workout on! 

I’ve been great at fighting my mental demons and exercising. The food part is where I always fall short. Beginning tomorrow…yes tomorrow. It’s my birthday remember?!? 😊 I will attempt to fight that beast tomorrow. I think that will be the key to me finally dropping some weight. Wish me luck! As you can see me and my emotional rollercoaster will need it. 

Attack of the treadmill

Do you think treadmill makers take fat, clumsy people into account when they make the treadmills? My guess is no because the treadmill hates me. I’m pretty sure I hate it too. Once upon a time I fell on a treadmill. What can I say? I’m not the most graceful person. I fall down all of the time. It’s awesome. There is nothing like a giant person falling down for no apparent reason. All of this meat and potatoes moving around cannot be a pleasant sight. Anyway…since that one time years ago that I fell on the treadmill I now hold on with both hands. Well up until recently I held on with two hands. You see I decided I was venturing out. I’m working out in a gym. I can do this. I can totally walk on the treadmill swinging both arms like a normal person. I decide I’m going to ease into it since I’m a giant punk. One arm free at a time. After all I need to swing at least one arm to get my Fitbit steps. I had a death grip on the treadmill with one hand and started to swing the other arm. There are cameras at the gym so I may show up on America’s funniest videos. The treadmill is not wide enough for my big ass. If I don’t position myself just right on the treadmill then I beat up my swinging arm on the side of the treadmill. There is no way in hell im swinging both arms. I will definitely face plant once both arms hit the side of the machine. So…excuse my one bruised arm and crazy video. I need my Fitbit steps damn it. Eventually I will defeat the treadmill monster. 😊 

How bad do you want it? 

As I lay in my bed on a rainy Sunday that is the question I kept asking myself. My workout partner was sick yesterday so she ended up cancelling at the last minute. I was already awake and it felt great outside so I decided to go for a walk. As I was walking I decided I would try to get 10K steps before making it back home. I did it but it felt like it took forever. I hit 10K before 8am and then only got 4K steps for the rest of the day. That’s pretty sad especially when you consider how horrible my eating was also. My friend let me know last night that she wouldn’t make it to workout today. I woke up and checked the weather to see when the rain would stop so I could go walking again. Of course it is supposed to rain all morning. So…do I stay in my comfy bed or lay on the couch and binge watch some show? That’s what I wanted to do if I’m being honest. It’s so easy to be lazy. I could come up with a thousand reasons to stay home and really only one pesky reason to get up. I want to be out of the 300 pound club before 40. My eating has not been the greatest but I’ve attempted to exercise each day. I’m worried it is not enough though. I haven’t weighed myself since last Wednesday and don’t intend to until this coming Wednesday. I don’t want to know if I’m falling short to the goal because then I think I would really become more lazy. I wouldn’t necessarily give up on losing weight but I would not work as hard to do it. I know that sounds crazy but that’s just how my mind works. So…how bad do I want it? I got my big ass out of bed and went to the gym. I want to lose weight but I know I’m not doing all that I can to do it. Somehow I need to combine wanting it with discipline to eat right and workout twice a day. Baby steps. First you have to get up! 

Seesaw, yo-yo torture

The up and down of trying to live a healthier life is going to drive me insane. On Monday I was super excited. After torturing myself with the racing mind the night before, I weighed in and had lost 8.7 pounds. Yay! I had my last session with the trainer yesterday and completed another workout last night. I was nervous but felt I had lost at least another pound. I’m trying desperately to get out of the 300 pound club before I turn the big 40 next week. Feeling somewhat confident I stepped on the scale this morning. Instead of losing weight I actually gained 1.7 pounds. In order not to completely lose my mind and throw things, I’m going to pretend it is because I’m gaining muscle. I have been lifting weights every time we go to the gym. One of the DietBets that I joined ends on 1/28. I have to reach 297.5 pounds by that date in order to split the pot. Losing money is not an option! So…here is the plan. My vacation is 1/20-1/29. I will work out twice a day except for on my birthday until I get under that weight. It’s probably wise for me to focus on cardio instead of weights. Watch out Fitbit friends! If anyone is reading, let me know if that is a horrible plan or what you think I should do. Oh and thanks for reading and attempting to follow my crazy on my weightloss journey. 😊

Overthinking

There are way too many thoughts racing thru my mind right now. As crazy as it sounds I think I create more thoughts to avoid the ones I don’t want to deal with. I tried burying everything by binge watching a tv show. I must admit it somewhat worked but I feel gross. Like I just wasted hours of my life on the couch doing nothing productive because I can’t calm my mind. It had to end at some point so this is me trying to deal with it now so that perhaps I can get some rest tonight. I wonder if anyone else tries to sabotage themselves like I do. I’ve stayed consistent with my workouts but recently my eating has taken a wrong turn. At lunch today I ate way more than I should have. It was to the point that I felt like crap with stomach pains. It was just uncomfortable and I know better. Why am I doing this? Why can’t I let myself win this battle? Is it because I don’t feel like I deserve it? The last two days of workouts I had even started looking at myself in the mirror. Just a few glances here and there but to me it was progress. I don’t know. Maybe this is all just my moment of crazy because I know that I am weighing in again in the morning. Perhaps it is the fear of not losing any weight. I can justify it if I know I ate more than I should or unhealthy things. How do I calm all of these thoughts and just take this moment by moment? Breathe. It’s only temporary. If I lost weight then I lost it. If I gained then I gained. Neither result changes the battle that I will continue to fight. I knew when I started this would be one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. The mental weight loss battle is much more difficult than the physical one could ever be. I pray at some point I find peace and learn to love myself regardless of my size. Hopefully then my mind will relax and overthinking will be a thing of the past. 

But did you die?

All I could think about on the way to the gym was this meme. It hasn’t been a week of working out yet but my body was sore. I told the trainer this morning that parts of my body that I never thought could hurt were hurting. She was smiling at me as I tried to point at different parts of my body asking what was there. I’m not sure why I was asking. It’s not like I have some mysterious muscle that no one else on the planet has. I don’t even remember what she said it was. I was too busy focusing on the soreness. She of course then introduced me to the rolling stick. This little magical thing was a slice of heaven. Apparently it helps with cellulite too so it’s good to do it even when you are not sore. Who knew? That thing should be my bff. I need to roll everyday all day. They see me rollin. Sorry I couldn’t resist. 😂 Anyway….I continue to learn so much from the training. I’m so glad I did it. I would have never had the confidence to do some of these things on my own. The gym was just a scary place before where I would get on the treadmill and then leave. There are so many other things to do that I know will help me in my weighloss journey. I actually punched a bag today. Never in a million years did I see myself doing that and I especially didn’t think I would like it. It was totally fun! I’m convinced the kettle bells are the devil though. Oh and they may be buried deep but I have abs. They were screaming today. I could go on and on but the short version is I’m so happy that I overcame my fear and signed up for the gym. Now if I can just overcome the mirror fear then my gym life will be awesome. Baby steps…I’m still alive to figure it out. 😊