Scale of doom

So…I finally got on the stupid scale. I’m sure it hates me as much as I hate it. After all it has to weigh my big ass. That’s a lot of pressure for something so tiny. Not that a big scale would like me any better. Finally an example where size doesn’t matter. 😂 Okay all jokes aside I have to lose a whopping 31 pounds in 6 months to reach my DietBet goal. That is totally doable! Perhaps instead of laying around eating all day I should have been coming up with a plan. I guess that is part of how I try to sabotage myself. I know what breakfast will be but everything else is a toss up right now including workouts. I better close this out and get to planning. My finger toes and I wish you a Happy New Year! Let the DietBet games begin. 

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Gorge

It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m sure the normal person has plans to spend time with family and friends celebrating the upcoming new year. My plans seem to be eat everything I can and have a stare off with the scale. I’m not sure what to compare the feeling to except maybe someone that knows they are going to a deserted island and is trying to pack food in their body to survive because they don’t know when they will eat again. Yes I know that is far from normal. I’ve never been one of those people that eats huge amounts of food. In fact I’ve probably been the opposite not eating enough. I just don’t eat the right things. Today…well that’s been different. Perhaps I’m scared. I’ve always dreaded the scale. I know that number isn’t going to be pretty and for some unknown reason I keep adding to it today. Tomorrow is a new beginning and I’m not sure how or where to start. I’m scared of failing. Am I strong enough this time or will I just fall back into old habits like usual? All I know at this point is gorging sucks. I feel like crap right now. I need to stop being a giant punk and get on the damn scale already. Wish me luck! Once I get over the embarrassment I will share the details. 

Stomach Shelf

Have you had that moment where you know things have gone too far? I’ve had several. Sometimes I feel like the hulk in my clothes like they are going to rip open any moment. Putting on socks and shoes is a heavy breathing workout. Sweating is happening and I’m sure calories are being burned. One of the most crappy moments is realizing you can use your stomach as a shelf. Yes I’ve added a pic for proof. Decades ago when I was pregnant I could do the same thing. I would shuffle cards, prop the pickle jar up and rest my hands on it all of the time. Today my shelf is much larger than when I was pregnant. My highest pregnancy weight was 190 pounds. Weigh-in for my DietBet challenge is in a couple of days. There is no doubt that it will be over 300. I’m praying that I will be able to change in 2017. I know everyone is saying new year new you. I need that to be true more than ever. Fingers crossed that I will do it this time. More action, less talking and no quitting. 💪🏻🏃

Invisible

Apparently being invisible is the superpower I have chosen for myself. I sometimes feel that I am so I guess the title is fitting. It has been a long time since my last confession on here. It’s funny how the last post was about me not putting myself on my list. I’m pretty sure I have brought a whole new meaning to falling off of the wagon. Hmmm…let’s play catch up for a moment shall we? It looks like my last post was from May. Definitely a busy time at work. I kept telling myself that after the summer I would start fresh and focus on me. I took a trip to see a friend in August and of course my clumsy butt falls down. Back in the boot I go for a couple of months. Out of the boot I am determined again to be awesome. Eat right, work out and do the right thing. I joined a DietBet and a StepBet. I won both and then did what I normally do. I became super lazy. Heck I even stopped wearing my Fitbit completely. It’s out of sight in a drawer so that I can keep using the excuse that I forgot to charge it. Clearly it takes more than 21 days for me to develop a habit. Apparently I like completing tasks and then quitting life. I’m honestly not sure what I weigh at this moment but I know it is over 300 pounds and almost positive it is a number I have never seen on the scale before. No I haven’t had to buy new clothes. I bought them big enough the first time so I have plenty of room to expand I guess. Well except now I’m not even close to comfortable. Small tasks like tying my shoes is annoying. It sometimes feels like a workout. I wish I was lying about that but unfortunately it is the honest truth. This feels horrible. I look like a pregnant woman and act like I’m about to go into labor any moment. This is not where I wanted to be. I’m turning 40 next month. I really wanted to be under 200 pounds by this point. I had big plans of spending my birthday in Europe. As usual I continue to sabotage myself. I decided that it didn’t make sense to take the trip like this. I don’t want to be embarrassed if I’m forced to buy two seats on the plane. I don’t want to get to Europe and not be in shape to explore and enjoy it. In an effort to get going again I joined another DietBet. It is scheduled to start on 1/1. I won’t be where I want to be before my birthday but maybe I will be at some point in my 40th year. No I don’t think I can lose over 100 pounds in a year but I can get closer to 200 than 300. I finally decided to step out of my comfort zone and attempt to hire a trainer. I booked a free consultation with someone and unfortunately they didn’t show. I must admit that this was a punch to the gut. I immediately felt rejected and like it wasn’t meant to be. I could sit here all night writing the thousand of negative thoughts about myself that crossed my mind. A huge part of me wanted to cry and give up. There was that small part of me that was still fighting. I began to tell myself that perhaps there was just a mix-up with the times. Hopefully she will call or email me back and we can meet again. If not…there are other trainers. It’s not the end of the world. Even if I can’t get another trainer I can still go to the gym. Either I’m going to do this or I’m not. My physical demons are big but my mental demons are enormous. One small obstacle cannot have that much power over my health. There are too many young people dying. I’ve spent 39 years fighting for survival. I want to spend my future living life to the fullest being the healthiest version of me. I want to be healthy outside but more importantly on the inside. I don’t want to feel invisible any longer. That superpower sucks anyway. 🙂