Not even on the list

As crazy as this may sound I’m constantly trying to figure me out. As I’m getting ready for work I think about what occurred the previous day or week. I beat myself up about things that I wanted to do but didn’t. Of course I remind myself where I fell short. I attempt to come up with a plan to conquer those things this week. I’m not going to lie…it’s a vicious cycle especially when it comes to exercising. Today I realized I’m really not important to me. Like…not even a little bit. I’m quick to take care of everyone else and don’t even think twice about myself. In my mind I have to make sure everyone is okay…kids, work, friends and even complete strangers. The lie is I don’t have time for me. Everyone else needs me. I can’t let them down. I stopped walking in the mornings because it’s getting busy at work and the sooner I can get there the more I can help the team. On Friday I worked at least 15 hours. Once I got home I ate a horrible, quick dinner and then crawled into bed. I just needed a few hours of sleep before I went to the Relay for Life event. My job had a tent and needed people to walk. With little sleep and puffy eyes I headed to out to do my part for the team. Unfortunately the event was closed down early so I was unable to participate. I was prepared to walk for two hours for the cause and my job but I can’t carve 30 minutes out of my day for me. Seriously? Apparently I’m not capable of doing anything for just me. If someone else needs anything I will do whatever it takes no matter the cost. Where would I be if I cared that much about myself? In my head I know that by putting me first I’m a better person for those around me. Maybe I can’t do it because I’m benefitting from it. I don’t know. It sounds completely insane. My entire life has been about my kids and my job. I’m knocking on 40 now. How can I change my way of thinking and somehow add my name to my list of priorities? 

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I’ve been neglected, molested, beaten, starved, left homeless and raped. All of this before the age of 18. I am obese, have low self esteem and self worth. I’m not afraid to strip myself down to try to become a better person. My scars, stretch marks, imperfections and challenges have all shaped me into the person that I am today. Everyone has a story and a past. Life will punch you in the face multiple times. I know my weaknesses but I also know my strengths. Things will happen. It’s all about how you react after getting punched. Two things have gotten me thru my craziness…hope and I’m a hell of a fighter. I decided a long time ago that I would not be a victim. I may not be able to control what happens in my life but I can control how I react to it. I have my pity party moments. I get tired and at times stop fighting. I try not to stay down in the funk long though. It’s a giant trap that you can lose yourself to if you don’t pull it together. I have been in the funk for longer than I would like here lately. My feet hurt, my body aches and after staring in a mirror for quite some time I realized I now have the hotdog bun neck. When did I stop fighting for me? What have I been fighting for all of these years? Perhaps I’ve been fighting this crazy mental battle but the physical has been lost. My body is proof of that. I’ve tried a thousand things. Some have worked but it didn’t matter because I didn’t have the discipline to stick with it. I’m not sure what my next steps will be but I know it won’t be quitting. It will be tough but I will fight and win this battle.