Not even on the list

As crazy as this may sound I’m constantly trying to figure me out. As I’m getting ready for work I think about what occurred the previous day or week. I beat myself up about things that I wanted to do but didn’t. Of course I remind myself where I fell short. I attempt to come up with a plan to conquer those things this week. I’m not going to lie…it’s a vicious cycle especially when it comes to exercising. Today I realized I’m really not important to me. Like…not even a little bit. I’m quick to take care of everyone else and don’t even think twice about myself. In my mind I have to make sure everyone is okay…kids, work, friends and even complete strangers. The lie is I don’t have time for me. Everyone else needs me. I can’t let them down. I stopped walking in the mornings because it’s getting busy at work and the sooner I can get there the more I can help the team. On Friday I worked at least 15 hours. Once I got home I ate a horrible, quick dinner and then crawled into bed. I just needed a few hours of sleep before I went to the Relay for Life event. My job had a tent and needed people to walk. With little sleep and puffy eyes I headed to out to do my part for the team. Unfortunately the event was closed down early so I was unable to participate. I was prepared to walk for two hours for the cause and my job but I can’t carve 30 minutes out of my day for me. Seriously? Apparently I’m not capable of doing anything for just me. If someone else needs anything I will do whatever it takes no matter the cost. Where would I be if I cared that much about myself? In my head I know that by putting me first I’m a better person for those around me. Maybe I can’t do it because I’m benefitting from it. I don’t know. It sounds completely insane. My entire life has been about my kids and my job. I’m knocking on 40 now. How can I change my way of thinking and somehow add my name to my list of priorities? 


I’ve been neglected, molested, beaten, starved, left homeless and raped. All of this before the age of 18. I am obese, have low self esteem and self worth. I’m not afraid to strip myself down to try to become a better person. My scars, stretch marks, imperfections and challenges have all shaped me into the person that I am today. Everyone has a story and a past. Life will punch you in the face multiple times. I know my weaknesses but I also know my strengths. Things will happen. It’s all about how you react after getting punched. Two things have gotten me thru my craziness…hope and I’m a hell of a fighter. I decided a long time ago that I would not be a victim. I may not be able to control what happens in my life but I can control how I react to it. I have my pity party moments. I get tired and at times stop fighting. I try not to stay down in the funk long though. It’s a giant trap that you can lose yourself to if you don’t pull it together. I have been in the funk for longer than I would like here lately. My feet hurt, my body aches and after staring in a mirror for quite some time I realized I now have the hotdog bun neck. When did I stop fighting for me? What have I been fighting for all of these years? Perhaps I’ve been fighting this crazy mental battle but the physical has been lost. My body is proof of that. I’ve tried a thousand things. Some have worked but it didn’t matter because I didn’t have the discipline to stick with it. I’m not sure what my next steps will be but I know it won’t be quitting. It will be tough but I will fight and win this battle.