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How low can you go? 

Apparently I’m determined to find out the answer to that question. One of my friends asked me to go to Universal Studios with her. Initially I thought this will be a perfect time to just be alone in the hotel while her and her child plays at the park. Nothing in me wanted to go to the park. I’m obese and the idea of spending 13 hours walking around did not sound appealing to me. Of course the other negative thought was about the rides. Would I be able to ride anything? It didn’t take me long to determine staying at the hotel was my best bet. That of course was before I gave myself a pep talk about getting out of my funk and how I needed to socialize. Plus I was feeling guilty about ruining my friends trip. So I decided to suck it up and buy tickets. I was going to smile and have a great time. We had a blast on the first ride. I may have made the right decision. Well that was what I was thinking until the 2nd ride. After making our way thru the longest line known to man I was stopped right before getting on the 2nd ride. The person working asked me if I had tried the seat tester. I asked him if he was serious. He said yes I needed to do it to make sure I could fit. I was devastated. It was so embarrassing. I decided against testing the seat and simply removed myself from the line. At that moment I became the bag and sweater holder. I would not attempt another ride. All I can think about now is flying in a plane. I’m going to be that person that they make buy two seats. How much more will I torture myself before I change? I’m not going to say that I’ve given up but I’m definitely tired of fighting. There isn’t anything that anyone can tell me that I haven’t told myself. I know the positive quotes….the words of wisdom. I know I’m in control of my thoughts. I know all of this is my fault. I know I’m the only person that can change it. The truth is I just don’t have the energy at the moment. Until the glorious day that I do, I will just stay in this depressing, insecure funk. I don’t want to talk to anyone and if I’m being honest I just want to be left alone. I know I can and will work thru this. It’s just taking me longer this time. Ultimately I won’t let this defeat me. This won’t be that thing. I will eventually rise again but today I surrender. 

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