Apparently I’m determined to find out the answer to that question. One of my friends asked me to go to Universal Studios with her. Initially I thought this will be a perfect time to just be alone in the hotel while her and her child plays at the park. Nothing in me wanted to go to the park. I’m obese and the idea of spending 13 hours walking around did not sound appealing to me. Of course the other negative thought was about the rides. Would I be able to ride anything? It didn’t take me long to determine staying at the hotel was my best bet. That of course was before I gave myself a pep talk about getting out of my funk and how I needed to socialize. Plus I was feeling guilty about ruining my friends trip. So I decided to suck it up and buy tickets. I was going to smile and have a great time. We had a blast on the first ride. I may have made the right decision. Well that was what I was thinking until the 2nd ride. After making our way thru the longest line known to man I was stopped right before getting on the 2nd ride. The person working asked me if I had tried the seat tester. I asked him if he was serious. He said yes I needed to do it to make sure I could fit. I was devastated. It was so embarrassing. I decided against testing the seat and simply removed myself from the line. At that moment I became the bag and sweater holder. I would not attempt another ride. All I can think about now is flying in a plane. I’m going to be that person that they make buy two seats. How much more will I torture myself before I change? I’m not going to say that I’ve given up but I’m definitely tired of fighting. There isn’t anything that anyone can tell me that I haven’t told myself. I know the positive quotes….the words of wisdom. I know I’m in control of my thoughts. I know all of this is my fault. I know I’m the only person that can change it. The truth is I just don’t have the energy at the moment. Until the glorious day that I do, I will just stay in this depressing, insecure funk. I don’t want to talk to anyone and if I’m being honest I just want to be left alone. I know I can and will work thru this. It’s just taking me longer this time. Ultimately I won’t let this defeat me. This won’t be that thing. I will eventually rise again but today I surrender.
I’ve never claimed to be innocent or perfect in any way. In fact if you have read any other blogs or know me you know that I’m brutally honest. So since it has been one of those days you now get to read my gripes for the day.
- I woke up early…really early. I intended to get to work early to take over the world but when I checked my email from home like a true workaholic I discovered that our system would be down for quite some time.
- I could not go back to sleep so I went to work early and complained about the system not being up.
- Eventually we ventured out to lunch. While eating I noticed a guy sitting across from us had his legs spread open and one of his balls was escaping. Did he not feel the breeze? Thank you for bouncing your leg. I’m sure your free ball enjoyed it.
- After consuming all of that sweet tea at lunch I had to pee. Tell me why the stalls are so tiny. Trying to maneuver around in that tiny thing is like fighting my way in and out of spandex. That shit doesn’t work for fat people.
- Would you purchase used workout clothes? The answer is no people. I don’t care how many times you wash it. It will never be clean enough. That’s a whole lot of sweat and juices you can never get out.
- Hot yogurt will kill you. There is nothing left to say here.
- I’m lazy as hell.
- My body shape is a recycled can. Everything touches everything. Chin touches boobs, boobs touch belly, belly touches legs. The end.
- Thigh gap? Really people?!? My calf gap is almost gone.
- Do I look like I need pizza for dinner? Nope but that’s what my big ass is eating tonight.
- My hair feels like pine straw right now. Yes I need a cut and color badly but considering I go to work with a beard do you think pine straw hair will bother me?
- Someone needs to stop eating something. Every single freakin day they blow up the bathroom at work. For the love of God and all that is holy please stop.
- Nasty peeps….wash your hands after you go to the bathroom. Maybe you will learn your lesson when you infect your eye with your shitty fingers. Yes you can hold the door for me because I damn sure don’t want to touch it after you. Gross.
- On a positive note…I survived today.
Tomorrow will be awesome!
My 21 day challenge ended yesterday. Just in case you were wondering, I failed in a big way. Below was the list of things I had hope to accomplish. I only conquered one. Yep…pathetic. I’m beginning to think trying to lose weight is like trying to get pregnant. You think and stress about it so much it doesn’t happen. The minute you relax and go with the flow a miracle occurs. Okay maybe that’s wishful thinking. Losing weight for me will be really hard until I commit to it. There is no point in me trying until I can be fully committed. I’m only driving myself insane with my failures. I know I have a huge problem and I know how to solve it so why can’t I commit already?
21 day challenge
1. Drink Shakeology daily – fail
2. Drink at least 100 ounces of water daily – fail
3. Exercise at least 30 minutes per day – fail
4. Give up Facebook for 21 days – success
5. Blog at least twice a week – fail
6. Lose 10 pounds – I gained 3…big fail
7. No fast food – fail
8. Work less than 60 hours a week – fail
9. Create a budget and stick with it – fail
10. Read a book – fail
I wish I had some fabulous story to tell or something funny to make you smile but tonight I don’t. Tonight I’m just some lonely fat chick in bed way too early for her age wondering what the heck I’m doing with my life. Hey I wouldn’t be the honest fat chick if I didn’t keep it real. Today has been somewhat depressing. You know those days when you question yourself and decide you are your own worst enemy. I guess I figured if I got in bed early the day would end already. Boy was I wrong. There is so much I could write here but as a wise man once said I need to understand my audience. With that in mind I’ve probably said too much already. Today may have been a struggle but I survived. Tomorrow will be better. 😊
Last week we had a work Fitbit challenge. We broke off into teams and talked some serious smack about who would get the most steps. I must say the personality test that I took got that part wrong. Being competitive is not a weakness for me. My big ass didn’t come in last place. In fact I believe I was in 2nd place for my team and 4th place overall. Not too shabby for someone that hasn’t been moving a whole lot. Oh and I would highly recommend you take the personality test. It takes a little bit but it is totally worth it. Yes it is almost 100% accurate and will provide you with so much info. The website is http://16personalities.com. Here is what they said about my competitive issues. The nerve 😡
Overly Competitive – ISFPs can escalate small things into intense competitions, turning down long-term success in their search for glory in the moment, and are unhappy when they lose.
I’m glad no one had to experience that unhappiness because we won! 😉 Needless to say with all of that crazy I was convinced that I had lost weight. I mean damn…I’ve failed at almost everything else on my 21 day challenge list. I didn’t drink my shakes this weekend, exercise for at least 30 minutes each day, drink 100 ounces of water daily, I only blogged once and I ate fast food. I haven’t even started to make the budget or read a book. The only thing that I’ve actually stuck with is staying off of Facebook. Oh and instead of losing weight toward that 10 pound loss goal I gained a pound. Nope it wasn’t muscle that I gained from walking. My top roll just keeps expanding. No matter how much I walk I keep growing. I felt like a complete failure so naturally I refused to get up. Don’t worry that only lasted a few minutes. I try not to dwell in my crazy. Eventually I get up and start trying to turn my mood around. Giving myself the it’s a new day speech and giving up isn’t an option. Blah blah blah. I get dressed and head to the kitchen to make my shake. There is no peanut butter. This is tragic. A chocolate Shakelogy shake is so much better with peanut butter. Again I try to turn the other cheek and think that it isn’t a big deal if you look at the big picture. It’s only peanut butter. Then I start to fill up my massive mug with ice and water. Of course tons of ice shoots out all over the floor. I mean why not? It’s Monday. I think to myself okay it’s easy to clean up. Maybe that spot on the floor needed to be cleaned. No biggie. It’s ice…it will melt and then dry up. I keep going trying to be positive and then the button incident occurred. You see I decided since obviously I’m having a fat day I would wear comfy pants. Well these comfy pants needed to be retired. They are supposed to have 3 buttons and they were down to one. Please tell me why it decided to pop off and disappear. That was the breaking point. I said screw it…I’m wearing these buttonless pants. If my zipper comes undone and I flash everyone so be it. Today wanted to suck so I let it. On a positive note I didn’t flash anyone. Boy are they lucky. Tomorrow is a new day and I can’t wait!
So today I decided to tackle my bearded lady problems. I’ve been plucking here and there and well sometimes just ignoring it completely. Perhaps if I avoid the mirror I could just pretend all of those long hairs and cat whiskers didn’t exist. Forget about the eyebrows that are trying to link up with my eyelashes now. Maybe I should have said I was the honest hairy fat chick. What the heck? Does this chaos ever stop? Bring on menopause if that will help. Just in case you didn’t know, looking at yourself in the car mirror is hazardous regardless if you are driving or not. The amount of hairs that you can see on your face multiplies by like a million. I looked like a full bearded caveman. Yeah I ran inside my house and busted out the hair removal cream. I’m not sure what happened. I think my hairs are immune to the cream now. Maybe the cream was seriously old. Either way I still have long whiskers and a beard. I’ve now added some redness and that nasty cream smell to my face. So…next stop is the spa to ask if I can just dip my face in wax. This may not be the best idea since my face is still tingling from the cream but surely wax redness and little bubbles are better than the freakin bearded lady. Okay maybe not but it’s the look I’m going for today. I hope all of the craziness is cleared up before Monday. Hell by then I may have another beard. So much for that magic pill helping with that. Damn the luck. Maybe I should just embrace it and start doing beard designs. Hmmmm 🤔 yeah I’m thinking that’s a bad idea too. One day…one day I will defeat the beard.