Reboot

The long vacations and holidays are over so it is time to refocus and begin again. This time around I’m hoping that I will be stronger, dedicated and more focused. Somewhere along the way I’ve convinced myself that I’m not important. Everyone else comes first and well it’s just me so I will be okay. Learning to change my way of thinking will be really tough for me. I know who I want to be but getting there won’t be easy. Until I am a better person inside I will never be the person I want to be on the outside. I’m not saying losing weight won’t happen but until I get my thoughts in order it will always be a battle. I will start, cheat, stop and then restart. It will be a vicious  cycle of me losing and then gaining. Even if I lose a lot it will never be enough if I don’t work on the inside. Learning to love yourself at my age is difficult. Putting myself first will be a challenge but is necessary. There is no doubt in my mind that if I’m completely healthy that others around me will benefit. I’m not sure where to start but I have to do something. So…baby steps. I came up with a 21 day challenge for myself. I attempted to list 21 things I wanted to complete or habits I wanted to develop over the 21 days. It started to get overwhelming and I felt something would get lost or forgotten. The last thing I want to do is set myself up for failure. I decided to limit the list to 10 things…well sort of. I know that I have to develop a daily routine if I want to make changes. I will have to create a strict schedule for myself to make sure that I stay focused and develop healthy habits. Below is my list of 10. My thought process is that if I work less and spend less time on things that don’t matter that I will have more time to focus on what does. Early to rise with positive words and a workout. Hopefully if I begin my day right it will stay that way. I don’t have all of the right answers and I may be way off base with my thoughts but anything has to be better than what I’m currently doing. The reboot begins tomorrow! 

  1. Drink Shakeology daily
  2. Read a book 
  3. Exercise at least 30 minutes per day
  4. Create a budget and stick with it
  5. Drink at least 100 ounces of water daily
  6. Blog at least twice a week
  7. Work less than 60 hours a week
  8. No fast food
  9. Give up Facebook 
  10. Lose 10 pounds
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Blah blah blah

There are a thousand things running thru my head right now. I leave in a few days for my birthday trip. My plan was to lose 15 pounds before this weekend and be a stair master so I wouldn’t get kicked out of the Statue of Liberty. I really had the best intentions but as usual my commitment to working out and eating right wasn’t there. Oh I have a laundry list of excuses. Work has been crazy since the last vacation, my sleep routine has been off, there isn’t enough time, the funds have been limited, I don’t have energy, it’s too late now so why bother and the list just keeps going. I’ve lost 2 pounds since January 1st. There are some that will say that I should be happy with that. At least I didn’t gain weight. I think that is ridiculous. I’m damn near 300 pounds. I can lose 2 pounds in a day just walking to pee. There is no need to sugar coat or lie to myself. I didn’t do the work so I didn’t reach my goal. Yeah it sucks but it was expected. I walked and did the stairs a couple of times but that is it. So….I’m sorry to my friend if this trip doesn’t turn out like we had hoped. It is totally my fault. Clearly my priorites are not and have not been in order. There is no sense pretending that I’m going to get it together before the end of January. I do promise to try harder in February. I know what needs to be done I just need to actually do it. Words are just blah blah blah if there is no action. Time to come up with a plan and put it into action. 

Big Fat Liar

I hate liars. Yes I know hate is a strong word but I’ve never understood why people lie just to lie. It’s not my best trait but I’m pretty brutally honest. Most of the times it is way too brutal. The older I get the more my filter fades. The truth is we all lie. Some lies are bigger than others. Some may even be deemed necessary. Some are just pure lies for no reason. Those are the ones I don’t get and strongly dislike. As I’m walking this morning it hits me like a surprise brick to the face. I constantly lie every single day to myself. I may try to avoid lying to others but the way I lie to myself is beyond comprehension. I tell myself I’m going to exercise, stick with a diet, start the new year off right, eat healthier, work less, workout, take time for me, save money and the list goes on and on. I make excuses when it doesn’t happen and then lie to myself by saying it is okay that I will do it later. Later never arrives and the cycle is just repeated daily. I’ve dealt with plenty of liars and people that have let me down. It gets to a point where you tell them that actions speak louder than words. Obviously it’s time to tell myself the same thing. Nobody likes to be mistreated by others but the damage that we do to ourselves is far worse than what anyone could ever possibly do to us. No one can change me but me. I treat myself as if I have no value and I know that is a lie. Until I change my thoughts I will never change my physical appearance. I’m not sure how or where to start but I know it must be done in order for me to lead the life I want to lead. I have existed for a long time. It’s time to live now. 

The Funk

I’m not sure what is happening with me. I had it all planned out in my mind. Beginning January 1st I was going to hit the ground running. New Year…New You. I had myself all pumped up and then nothing. I don’t know if I was exhausted from my trip, dreading going back to work, reading way too much about side effects and PCOS or just being lazy. All I’ve done since I’ve been home is unpack, do laundry and have a serious Netflix marathon. I would like to say it was only one day but the truth is it has been a few. If we are being completely honest I’m sure I hit a new low today. I walked straight from my bed to the couch. I’m pretty sure I didn’t even brush my teeth and I definitely never put a bra on or got dressed. Pretty depressing. Tomorrow is my first day back at work. I’m already thinking about how tough the week will be and it hasn’t even started. Perhaps getting back in the swing of things at work will provide me with a schedule again and I will start working out. I’m not sure what is happening with me but I need to fix it. I think part of the problem is I stopped drinking my shakes while I was on vacation. I just started back yesterday so hopefully after this week I will feel a little more entergized. I still hate taking all of the pills that I’m taking. That in itself is depressing. I just wish I could be normal and not have to take meds. I’m taking 3 prescriptions and a multivitamin right now. Needless to say I would love to do away with the prescriptions but feel pretty stuck right now. Oh hell…enough of the pity party craziness. I said I would take the meds for 3 months and that’s what I’m doing. I need to stop trying to sabatoge myself and get after it with the exercise side of things too. I said I wanted to lose 20 pounds in January. I can’t do that on the couch. Time to start moving. I want to lose 20 pounds in January and a total of 40 pounds by the end of March. Anything is possible right? 

I’m alive! 

Sorry it’s been a while since my last post. There was all the craziness with the doctor and then we went on vacation. I decided against taking the meds while on vacation. Look I was super freaked out about the side effects. Who wants to have weird things happen with their body while they are on vacation? Nope…not me. So yesterday should have been the day I started. Of course I was a giant punk and decided it would be okay to push it off one more day. Why not? Today is the first day of the year. A perfect day to weigh, start new medicine and whatever else. That’s what I kept telling myself as I stared at the medicine. I figured it would be wise to avoid reading the side effects again. I would only keep talking myself out of taking the pills. Eventually I finally took them and I’m happy to report nothing tragic happened. I so could have died. Have you read the side effects on metformin? Scary stuff. It legit says it could be fatal not to mention the laundry list of other things that could go wrong. The only difference I felt today was I’m just drained. It could be from all of the traveling or it could be because I haven’t had my Shakeology in a long time. I definitely need to get back on it tomorrow. For now I will curl up in my bed and be grateful I survived my first day on these meds. 👍🏻😊