Scale of doom

So…I finally got on the stupid scale. I’m sure it hates me as much as I hate it. After all it has to weigh my big ass. That’s a lot of pressure for something so tiny. Not that a big scale would like me any better. Finally an example where size doesn’t matter. 😂 Okay all jokes aside I have to lose a whopping 31 pounds in 6 months to reach my DietBet goal. That is totally doable! Perhaps instead of laying around eating all day I should have been coming up with a plan. I guess that is part of how I try to sabotage myself. I know what breakfast will be but everything else is a toss up right now including workouts. I better close this out and get to planning. My finger toes and I wish you a Happy New Year! Let the DietBet games begin. 

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Gorge

It’s New Year’s Eve and I’m sure the normal person has plans to spend time with family and friends celebrating the upcoming new year. My plans seem to be eat everything I can and have a stare off with the scale. I’m not sure what to compare the feeling to except maybe someone that knows they are going to a deserted island and is trying to pack food in their body to survive because they don’t know when they will eat again. Yes I know that is far from normal. I’ve never been one of those people that eats huge amounts of food. In fact I’ve probably been the opposite not eating enough. I just don’t eat the right things. Today…well that’s been different. Perhaps I’m scared. I’ve always dreaded the scale. I know that number isn’t going to be pretty and for some unknown reason I keep adding to it today. Tomorrow is a new beginning and I’m not sure how or where to start. I’m scared of failing. Am I strong enough this time or will I just fall back into old habits like usual? All I know at this point is gorging sucks. I feel like crap right now. I need to stop being a giant punk and get on the damn scale already. Wish me luck! Once I get over the embarrassment I will share the details. 

Stomach Shelf

Have you had that moment where you know things have gone too far? I’ve had several. Sometimes I feel like the hulk in my clothes like they are going to rip open any moment. Putting on socks and shoes is a heavy breathing workout. Sweating is happening and I’m sure calories are being burned. One of the most crappy moments is realizing you can use your stomach as a shelf. Yes I’ve added a pic for proof. Decades ago when I was pregnant I could do the same thing. I would shuffle cards, prop the pickle jar up and rest my hands on it all of the time. Today my shelf is much larger than when I was pregnant. My highest pregnancy weight was 190 pounds. Weigh-in for my DietBet challenge is in a couple of days. There is no doubt that it will be over 300. I’m praying that I will be able to change in 2017. I know everyone is saying new year new you. I need that to be true more than ever. Fingers crossed that I will do it this time. More action, less talking and no quitting. 💪🏻🏃

Invisible

Apparently being invisible is the superpower I have chosen for myself. I sometimes feel that I am so I guess the title is fitting. It has been a long time since my last confession on here. It’s funny how the last post was about me not putting myself on my list. I’m pretty sure I have brought a whole new meaning to falling off of the wagon. Hmmm…let’s play catch up for a moment shall we? It looks like my last post was from May. Definitely a busy time at work. I kept telling myself that after the summer I would start fresh and focus on me. I took a trip to see a friend in August and of course my clumsy butt falls down. Back in the boot I go for a couple of months. Out of the boot I am determined again to be awesome. Eat right, work out and do the right thing. I joined a DietBet and a StepBet. I won both and then did what I normally do. I became super lazy. Heck I even stopped wearing my Fitbit completely. It’s out of sight in a drawer so that I can keep using the excuse that I forgot to charge it. Clearly it takes more than 21 days for me to develop a habit. Apparently I like completing tasks and then quitting life. I’m honestly not sure what I weigh at this moment but I know it is over 300 pounds and almost positive it is a number I have never seen on the scale before. No I haven’t had to buy new clothes. I bought them big enough the first time so I have plenty of room to expand I guess. Well except now I’m not even close to comfortable. Small tasks like tying my shoes is annoying. It sometimes feels like a workout. I wish I was lying about that but unfortunately it is the honest truth. This feels horrible. I look like a pregnant woman and act like I’m about to go into labor any moment. This is not where I wanted to be. I’m turning 40 next month. I really wanted to be under 200 pounds by this point. I had big plans of spending my birthday in Europe. As usual I continue to sabotage myself. I decided that it didn’t make sense to take the trip like this. I don’t want to be embarrassed if I’m forced to buy two seats on the plane. I don’t want to get to Europe and not be in shape to explore and enjoy it. In an effort to get going again I joined another DietBet. It is scheduled to start on 1/1. I won’t be where I want to be before my birthday but maybe I will be at some point in my 40th year. No I don’t think I can lose over 100 pounds in a year but I can get closer to 200 than 300. I finally decided to step out of my comfort zone and attempt to hire a trainer. I booked a free consultation with someone and unfortunately they didn’t show. I must admit that this was a punch to the gut. I immediately felt rejected and like it wasn’t meant to be. I could sit here all night writing the thousand of negative thoughts about myself that crossed my mind. A huge part of me wanted to cry and give up. There was that small part of me that was still fighting. I began to tell myself that perhaps there was just a mix-up with the times. Hopefully she will call or email me back and we can meet again. If not…there are other trainers. It’s not the end of the world. Even if I can’t get another trainer I can still go to the gym. Either I’m going to do this or I’m not. My physical demons are big but my mental demons are enormous. One small obstacle cannot have that much power over my health. There are too many young people dying. I’ve spent 39 years fighting for survival. I want to spend my future living life to the fullest being the healthiest version of me. I want to be healthy outside but more importantly on the inside. I don’t want to feel invisible any longer. That superpower sucks anyway. 🙂

Not even on the list

As crazy as this may sound I’m constantly trying to figure me out. As I’m getting ready for work I think about what occurred the previous day or week. I beat myself up about things that I wanted to do but didn’t. Of course I remind myself where I fell short. I attempt to come up with a plan to conquer those things this week. I’m not going to lie…it’s a vicious cycle especially when it comes to exercising. Today I realized I’m really not important to me. Like…not even a little bit. I’m quick to take care of everyone else and don’t even think twice about myself. In my mind I have to make sure everyone is okay…kids, work, friends and even complete strangers. The lie is I don’t have time for me. Everyone else needs me. I can’t let them down. I stopped walking in the mornings because it’s getting busy at work and the sooner I can get there the more I can help the team. On Friday I worked at least 15 hours. Once I got home I ate a horrible, quick dinner and then crawled into bed. I just needed a few hours of sleep before I went to the Relay for Life event. My job had a tent and needed people to walk. With little sleep and puffy eyes I headed to out to do my part for the team. Unfortunately the event was closed down early so I was unable to participate. I was prepared to walk for two hours for the cause and my job but I can’t carve 30 minutes out of my day for me. Seriously? Apparently I’m not capable of doing anything for just me. If someone else needs anything I will do whatever it takes no matter the cost. Where would I be if I cared that much about myself? In my head I know that by putting me first I’m a better person for those around me. Maybe I can’t do it because I’m benefitting from it. I don’t know. It sounds completely insane. My entire life has been about my kids and my job. I’m knocking on 40 now. How can I change my way of thinking and somehow add my name to my list of priorities? 

Reactions

I’ve been neglected, molested, beaten, starved, left homeless and raped. All of this before the age of 18. I am obese, have low self esteem and self worth. I’m not afraid to strip myself down to try to become a better person. My scars, stretch marks, imperfections and challenges have all shaped me into the person that I am today. Everyone has a story and a past. Life will punch you in the face multiple times. I know my weaknesses but I also know my strengths. Things will happen. It’s all about how you react after getting punched. Two things have gotten me thru my craziness…hope and I’m a hell of a fighter. I decided a long time ago that I would not be a victim. I may not be able to control what happens in my life but I can control how I react to it. I have my pity party moments. I get tired and at times stop fighting. I try not to stay down in the funk long though. It’s a giant trap that you can lose yourself to if you don’t pull it together. I have been in the funk for longer than I would like here lately. My feet hurt, my body aches and after staring in a mirror for quite some time I realized I now have the hotdog bun neck. When did I stop fighting for me? What have I been fighting for all of these years? Perhaps I’ve been fighting this crazy mental battle but the physical has been lost. My body is proof of that. I’ve tried a thousand things. Some have worked but it didn’t matter because I didn’t have the discipline to stick with it. I’m not sure what my next steps will be but I know it won’t be quitting. It will be tough but I will fight and win this battle. 

Catfish prisoner

There are only a few things I want to do when I get home from work…strip, eat and watch pointless tv. The stripping part makes perfect sense because I feel like a giant sausage stuffed in clothes all day. The laying on the couch part makes zero sense. We have the most uncomfortable couch on the planet. My body aches just sitting on that thing. I hate it…a lot. That doesn’t stop me though. I sat on that stupid thing for hours and I blame Catfish. Why do they have to put on back to back episodes? It’s a trap. Once you get sucked in you can’t turn the channel or get up. My body was already sore from the workouts and then I was held hostage and tortured by the stupid couch. There was legit 100 other things I could have been doing but I seriously lacked motivation or drive. I eventually rolled my big ass off the couch to go to bed. It was way late compared to when I usually go to bed. I’m all about early to bed and early to rise. I never set an alarm clock. My body wakes up about the same time each day even if I’m a fat, lazy chick laying on the couch way too late at night watching pointless tv. I woke up early and hated life. I was so tired but I did it to myself. Did I get up and do the workout video? Nope….my thighs were still sore and it was the lower body workout day. That pretty much equals death. I walked oh so slowly to the bathroom and nearly broke the toilet. My thighs did not want to move. I think I need to install bars by the toilet if I’m going to continue working out. Squatting to pee sucks! I survived the day though and invited a friend over so that I would not be trapped by the crappy couch again tonight. With her help I was able to cross a few things off my list. Even though I’m still sore I will break out the lower body video tomorrow. Time to suck it up buttercup and drop some pounds.