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Punching bag

Most people take their anger and frustrations out on others. I apparently just continue to beat up myself. The hole just gets deeper and deeper the more I think about my failures. Never in a million years would I have guessed that I would be where I am with my weight. I also assumed that it would be fairly easy to drop weight in the beginning because I am so large. Maybe it would have been if I would have done things differently. I’m losing the battle and it’s totally my fault. It’s so easy to get off course, give up or come up with excuses. I start a lot of things but never seem to complete them. I’ve got a lot of dreams but never do anything to make them become reality. All of these negative thoughts just lead to bigger questions. Why am I here and what is my purpose? It’s a difficult thing to truly look at yourself. I can easily point out all of my faults and shortcomings. The list of positive things doesn’t exist. I constantly remind myself where I fall short and then set these huge goals to change things. In doing that I just further set myself up for failure because I never reach those goals. Let’s just look at my weight challenges. I was 293.6 pounds the last time I weighed. Instead of setting short term goals I went for the big one and said I wanted to be 135 pounds. Do you know how long it will take for me to reach that goal? I will give up long before it happens because it’s too far off. I do this with everything in my life. I want the prize at the end but it’s never an easy one to get to. I end up going thru the vicious cycle of beating myself up for being where I am and giving up because the goal doesn’t seem attainable. It’s hard to change how your mind works but that is exactly what I need to do. I know I can win the battle but I need much smaller goals. Goals that are attainable so that I am winning instead of beating myself up for being so far off. So…yes I would love to be 135 but that’s isn’t realistic right now. My new goal is to be 275. That is a much smaller bite so hopefully I will stick with it. Once that goal is met then I will continue to adjust it to a new goal. Hopefully this will work for me. Quitting isn’t an option.  


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